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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD(11) go to this party?

108 replies

upsideup · 20/10/2018 16:07

DD is 11 and in Y7, the only people she knew when starting secondary were 3 Y8 girls who she does dance with. Lunch time and out of school she's been hanging out with them and their friends which I don't mind, there is only a few months between them and I understand how they can get on but she hasn't made any attempt to make any friends with anyone in her own year.

She's gone to two of these Y8's birthday party's which were both during the day and has gone shopping with them at the weekends and to sleepovers a few times which have been all been fine, they are all lovely.

There's a Halloween party next weekend at a Y9's house which is 7-12, mostly year 9 going but some Y8's and some Y10's as well. DD has been invited with her Y8 friends who I think are all being allowed to go, we've told dd we don't think she's going to be allowed. Y8's have said they'll stay with her the whole night, my friends Y10 son has said maybe he'll go and that he will look after her too, he is also lovely and I trust that he actually would look after her and make sure she's okay but I know what kind of parties he goes to.

9 year old ds is having a party at our house the same night and she isn't happy about going to this instead when all her friends are going, there has been a lot of tears which is definitely not like her. She is sensible and she's never given me any reason to not trust her to make the right decisions but I still feel uncomfortable letting her go with kids so much older.

AIBU to not let her go?

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 20/10/2018 18:12

You sound as if you are trying too hard to convince yourself OP never mind the other posters on this thread.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 20/10/2018 18:27

It would be a no from me. DD is 10 & in year 6. I cannot imagine her going to a “proper” teenage party in 12 months time.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2018 18:44

dd is tall and grown up looking for an 11 year old.

That, in my mind, could make it worse. Because if the older kids there think she is older they will expect her to have had experiences and a maturity level that she does NOT have. This may lead to them expecting her to do things she isn't ready for, such as drink or play 'party games' more suitable for older teens.

TBH, if I was 13-15, I'd have been horrified to find an 11 yr old at a party!

youarenotkiddingme · 20/10/2018 18:48

My ds is a swimmer so he also hangs out with kids of all ages as his squad is mainly year 7-10 kids.

He's year 10 (14 but autistic) and his friend from swimming (yr 7) hangs out with him at lunch and they are really good friends.

The younger lad also gets on with ds friends really well as he's more mature than kids his age and his mum has allowed him to attend events with them. (Not parties mind as that's my ds idea of hell!) but local trampoline place for disco night etc.

She was cautious too but we just pointed out if he had anything in common with his same aged peers he'd be wanting to hang out with them.

I like the idea of letting her go but being collected earlier and just explaining to her she can have later nights as she gets older.

gingergiraffe · 20/10/2018 18:48

Years ago when my dd was in year 7 she was invited, on a school weeknight to a girl’s party, sleeping in a tent in the garden which backed onto open fields. I did not know the girl or her parents as this was secondary school, however the girl did seem to be one for getting the rest of the class into trouble.

I questioned why her party was not at the weekend, but dd said her parents were busy then. Obviously dd not a priority. Reluctantly, I said dd could go to the party but I was not happy about the camping in the garden. I was happy to pick her up at 10.30.

In the end the few people that went slept in the house and my daughter got me to pick her up much earlier. Also in the papers the following week was a horrible story about children sleeping in the garden and one being abducted. This confirmed that I had made the right decision.

In your situation, no way would I allow my dd to go. It’s nothing to do with you not trusting her but about you not putting her in a potentially harmful situation. No parental supervision in the house!

clary · 20/10/2018 18:52

I can't believe parents are not at a yr 9 party! Dd had a 17th party at home and we were here (upstairs, but here).

No op I wouldn't let her go and I too would be trying to do something about the fact that she has no friends in her own year.

StoorieHoose · 20/10/2018 18:55

Im betting that the parents of the kid having the party don’t actually know anything about it (I had loads of parties when my parents left me to babysit my younger brother)

clary · 20/10/2018 19:02

BTW those who are saying there won't he drink - I bet there will. When's was in yr 9, there was a girl had to go to hospital to have her stomach pumped from too much alcohol at a party. Dd hadn't been at the party BTW, but a friend who was confirmed it.

parkermoppy · 20/10/2018 19:06

I would be more worried about your DD feeling out of her depth more than anything. Although she may be friends with older people i can imagine she would feel very uncomfortable at a party with 15 year olds!

SpikyHair · 20/10/2018 19:10

No supervision? Who allows a bunch of 13 year olds to have a party in their house with no adult present? What if they all get smashed (which some of them obviously will) and someone falls down the stairs or accidentally leans on the oven gas switch and sets the place on fire? The list is endless. I'm pretty chilled but that sounds pretty irresponsible and I don't even have kids 😳

HettyB · 20/10/2018 19:13

There is absolutely no way on earth I would be letting my eleven year old dd go to a party until midnight with 15 year olds present. Hell, no.
I’m surprised so many other posters are saying they’d be cool with it. I remember vividly what 15 year olds can be like...
Just...no.

Bacciferous · 20/10/2018 19:15

I wouldn't let her go. I might trust my 11 year old daughter but not to be with unsupervised 14 and 15 year olds that I don't know.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/10/2018 19:17

Not all 14/15 yo are getting kissed and having sex etc.
If you've no reason to believe this group do then there's no issue.

My friend allowed her dd to have alcohol at parties in yr 8. I disagreed with it but her choice. I also though she was wrong not to tell the other parents she'd have alcohol.

But I also know lots of parties of teens in yr10 where there isn't alcohol and when I was that age we didn't either.

6th form is an entirely different story 😂

youarenotkiddingme · 20/10/2018 19:18

Pissed. Although kissed may also be relevant!

Lovemusic33 · 20/10/2018 19:20

I would let her go as long as parents are there.

I’m hosting a party for dd1 and her friends, they are year 10’s and are very sensible. I think sometimes we worry because when we were that age parties were often very different (I know I was drinking at parties when I was 14) but most kids are pretty sensible. My dd’s party will involve cake and apple bobbing and I will be here supervising, I wouldn’t have any concerns about younger kids attending.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/10/2018 19:23

I'd be making other plans for her that evening (so she can say she can't go as she has plans). Can your dh manage the 9yo's party and you take her for dinner and a film?

Y7 to Y9 is a huge gap, not in terms of pure years but in terms of stages. An 11yo Y7 at a party yith Y10s, no. (And it's not good for the Y8s to feel they have to look after her. That makes the friendship unequal and unsustainable).

SoftSheen · 20/10/2018 19:34

11 is too young for an unsupervised teenage party, for reasons that should be obvious to anyone that can remember being a teenager!

SummerStrong · 20/10/2018 19:35

I think Y7 is too young to be attending parties without parents.

I'd be encouraging her to forge more friendships with her own age group more too.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 20/10/2018 20:01

Not a chance, would be a complete no from me. She’s 11! 😳

toomanycuddlytoys · 20/10/2018 20:36

For me that would be a definite no

FrustratedBeyond · 20/10/2018 20:44

My DS is in Y8... Id probably say no!

anniehm · 20/10/2018 20:47

Do you know the parents of the host, will they be there?

If it's a yes to both then alert them that you are concerned because she is younger and hopefully they will reassure you that they will be keeping an eye on things.

Only other point is, does the host have an older sibling sharing the party, this would concern me more - first time I got drunk was when I went to my 15 year old friends party which (I knew but didn't share with my mum) was really her big sisters party which she was told she could invite us to (to keep her away from her sisters friends).

MarcieBluebell · 20/10/2018 20:58

In year 7 I was happy having girly sleepovers and playfighting with the boys. Mabey a kiss.

In year 9 I was getting drunk and getting with guys.

The difference is huge.

She needs friends in her own year.

BertBox · 20/10/2018 21:25

Nope. Not a hope in hell of me letting a child that age go to an unsupervised party with alcohol. I was barely ready for that at 17.

NC4Now · 21/10/2018 10:24

It’s the chances of her being exposed to things she isn’t ready for that would worry me. Not just alcohol, but porn, horror movies, who knows?