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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD(11) go to this party?

108 replies

upsideup · 20/10/2018 16:07

DD is 11 and in Y7, the only people she knew when starting secondary were 3 Y8 girls who she does dance with. Lunch time and out of school she's been hanging out with them and their friends which I don't mind, there is only a few months between them and I understand how they can get on but she hasn't made any attempt to make any friends with anyone in her own year.

She's gone to two of these Y8's birthday party's which were both during the day and has gone shopping with them at the weekends and to sleepovers a few times which have been all been fine, they are all lovely.

There's a Halloween party next weekend at a Y9's house which is 7-12, mostly year 9 going but some Y8's and some Y10's as well. DD has been invited with her Y8 friends who I think are all being allowed to go, we've told dd we don't think she's going to be allowed. Y8's have said they'll stay with her the whole night, my friends Y10 son has said maybe he'll go and that he will look after her too, he is also lovely and I trust that he actually would look after her and make sure she's okay but I know what kind of parties he goes to.

9 year old ds is having a party at our house the same night and she isn't happy about going to this instead when all her friends are going, there has been a lot of tears which is definitely not like her. She is sensible and she's never given me any reason to not trust her to make the right decisions but I still feel uncomfortable letting her go with kids so much older.

AIBU to not let her go?

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 20/10/2018 17:28

P.S. In case I wasn't clear. It's super important to stress to your dd that this isn't about not trusting her, it's about not trusting all the other kids.

AmateurSwami · 20/10/2018 17:29

It would be a no from me. At the y10 parties I went to, a year 7 would have been in over their head.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2018 17:30

The issue to me isn't whether or not OP's DD is trustworthy. I'm sure she is. It's the trustworthiness of the others at the party, teens that OP apparently does NOT know. OP's DDs could be placed in a situation she is not ready for, with someone who will either take advantage of her naiveté in some way to embarrass her or worse yet, sexually assault her. We only need the recent example of Kavanaugh and Dr Blasey Ford to show us that a naive female can unwittingly end up in a very bad situation.

BruegelTheElder · 20/10/2018 17:32

I dont think picking her up early is the answer, I either need to trust and let her go or not.

I agree. And my answer, if it was my child, would be no.

Dhapeer · 20/10/2018 17:33

It's unfortunate her friends are older, but I guess as you said, there's only a few months in the difference. If it was me, I'd probably let her go but on the proviso that she texts/rings me every hour.

Angelil · 20/10/2018 17:33

I'm a secondary teacher; it would definitely be a no from me.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2018 17:33

I completely disagree about not picking her up early. Of course it's worse later on if people are drinking!

I wouldn't let her go at all - she's 11, ffs!

Dhapeer · 20/10/2018 17:34

I can't imagine a 15 year old would want an 11 year old there though.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2018 17:34

And in fact, she's only been at secondary school for about 7 weeks! She is a really young girl.

The parents who are leaving them to it must be insane, too.

Rixera · 20/10/2018 17:36

@Dhapeer
Oh, some would. Which is honestly a lot worse.

Westwing1 · 20/10/2018 17:39

It would be a no from me. My DD is almost 12 and a very sensible girl but she would be completely out of her depth at an unsupervised party with older children. Also I would expect her to join in and take a role with younger siblings party, show family loyalty and possibly discuss a reward for her, have a friend for a sleepover or whatever.

MadMum101 · 20/10/2018 17:40

Well you've let her have sleepovers with these girls who will be with her so I'd let her go.

What do you really think will happen? She even knows an older lad who you know too and has said he'll watch out for her. Teens have such a bad rep Hmm.

I'd let her go and pick her up at 10. It's not humiliating. She's too young to be out later.

covetingthepreciousthings · 20/10/2018 17:45

Do the Y9 kids parents know about the party? I'm surprised they're happy to have an unsupervised party at those ages

Jux · 20/10/2018 17:45

There were plenty of kids at dd's school who had parties, no parents but plenty of alcohol and some sex going on, at Y10. Y9 now I come to think of it. I also know that some of those little shits were perfectly capable of spiking people's drinks, smoking dope, bringing Es in, as well as encouraging more timid girls to drink alcohol and at least 'dry hump'. The taking of horrid pix was rife, as was blackmailing girls with said pix for months after.

I would not let her go.

brizzledrizzle · 20/10/2018 17:46

I'd have said yes until I heard that there were no adults going to be there. I wouldn't be letting a year 9 child do that let alone a year 7 or 8 child.

I asked my 14 year old and was told no way because there could be drugs, there will be alcohol and there are no adults there (and has given me my answer for if he asks me to go to a similar party in a few weeks!)

Boomchicawowow · 20/10/2018 17:47

High school teacher here...absolutely over my dead body would my daughter go to a party at that age with children who are that much older. They are just not equipped to deal with situations that might arise, especially with peer pressure. They may not be extreme situations but I can tell you the difference between my year 7s and year 10s is phenomenal. Especially if there are no parents, which in itself is irresponsible. No parents but checking in every hour? Maybe. Parents AWOL until midnight? No. I don’t care how uncool this makes me as a parent. I know what I deal with 5 days a week!

southnownorth · 20/10/2018 17:49

No mine wouldn't be going. I have an 11 year old and a 16 year old.

My Y7 girl would be completely out of depth and is still very much a child.

Isleepinahedgefund · 20/10/2018 17:50

For me it would be the lack of parental supervision that would make me say no. You wouldn’t let a load of yr 7s have a party unsupervised would you, so I wouldn’t want mine going to an unsupervised party.

Boomchicawowow · 20/10/2018 17:51

Oh and in terms of teens having a bad rep, I agree. I love the kids I teach. They are funny, stroppy, caring, moody and polite. Honestly they are fab! However, this does not mean they won’t be rebellious. Of course they will be!

Nissemand · 20/10/2018 17:52

I wouldn't let her go.

Does she understand that it isn't going to be like the Halloween parties in American tween movies, all wholesome, with games and fun?

There'll be much older, possibly intoxicated teenagers there wondering why on earth a much younger child is in the house.

She's unlikely to have much fun.

Littlechocola · 20/10/2018 17:54

Why don’t you talk to the hosts parents?

nomilknosugarplease · 20/10/2018 17:57

I wouldn’t let her go. The sort of parties I went to in year 10, we would very loudly have made it known we thought it was very weird to have a year seven there. I know that sounds unkind and not everybody is like that but I can imagine it’d be upsetting for her to have a 15 year old turn around and say something like ‘what the fuck is a year seven doing here?’

MadMum101 · 20/10/2018 18:01

It's a Halloween party not a rave. Probably lots of silliness, scaring each other and disgusting concoctions to eat and drink (DD has had these kind of parties). No one actually knows if there'll be orgies, downing shots and taking drugs!

OP has said the parents of the party organiser will be down the street so not like they'll have buggered off totally.

OP could always ask the parents if they're checking there's no booze and will be keeping an eye out.

SlowlyShrinking · 20/10/2018 18:03

No way! I’m surprised she wants to. It’d certainly be an eye opener for an 11 year old, I would think 😬

Original poster
upsideup · 20/10/2018 18:03

I don't really think people will be shocked or rude about a Y7 being there. Its a year 9 party, a younger year 9 who has invited her friends from Y8 as well and managed to get some Y10's to agree to come if they don't have a better offer. I think most of the Y9's probably think dd is Y8 as thats who she sits with at lunch and dd is tall and grown up looking for an 11 year old.

OP posts: