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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD(11) go to this party?

108 replies

upsideup · 20/10/2018 16:07

DD is 11 and in Y7, the only people she knew when starting secondary were 3 Y8 girls who she does dance with. Lunch time and out of school she's been hanging out with them and their friends which I don't mind, there is only a few months between them and I understand how they can get on but she hasn't made any attempt to make any friends with anyone in her own year.

She's gone to two of these Y8's birthday party's which were both during the day and has gone shopping with them at the weekends and to sleepovers a few times which have been all been fine, they are all lovely.

There's a Halloween party next weekend at a Y9's house which is 7-12, mostly year 9 going but some Y8's and some Y10's as well. DD has been invited with her Y8 friends who I think are all being allowed to go, we've told dd we don't think she's going to be allowed. Y8's have said they'll stay with her the whole night, my friends Y10 son has said maybe he'll go and that he will look after her too, he is also lovely and I trust that he actually would look after her and make sure she's okay but I know what kind of parties he goes to.

9 year old ds is having a party at our house the same night and she isn't happy about going to this instead when all her friends are going, there has been a lot of tears which is definitely not like her. She is sensible and she's never given me any reason to not trust her to make the right decisions but I still feel uncomfortable letting her go with kids so much older.

AIBU to not let her go?

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 20/10/2018 16:57

In that case it'd be a no for me as well. If there was a parent, even upstairs, maybe. I remember year 9 and 10 parties with year 11/6th formers turning up and way too many bottles of neon-coloured booze.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 16:59

On reading the update. No.

PiggeryPorcombe · 20/10/2018 17:01

I wouldn’t let my 11yr old go. No way.

I also think her not having made any friends in her own year group needs addressing.

AliciaMayEmory · 20/10/2018 17:01

I have a sensible 11 year old in year 7 who mixes with year 8 girls out of school and girls of up to 14-15 years of age at dance classes, but there is no way that I'd be letting her go to a party with year 9 kids which is unsupervised.

MrsChollySawcutt · 20/10/2018 17:04

It would be a no from me too, sensible or not there's just too big a gap between maturity levels at fY7 and Y9.

I agree with others that she needs to be focussing on making her own friends within her year group PDQ. My DS11 started Y7 this year knowing no-one at all in his year group. Making friends in his classes and after school clubs has been a real priority for him and has contributed massively to his settling in well.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 20/10/2018 17:04

No way, 11 is too young.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/10/2018 17:04

I'm actually shocked at some of the responses saying to let her go and not to pick her up early as that would be humiliating. There's no way on Earth I would let my y7 go to a party with y9 and y10 kids. My son is in y9 and some of the stories I hear are shocking. Drink, drugs, sex etc. I don't want my 13 year old involved/witnessing that let alone my 11 year old. WTF is wrong with people????

VioletCharlotte · 20/10/2018 17:06

If unsupervised then it's a no from me (and I'm pretty laid back). Actually, I'm not sure how I'd feel about a year 9 going to a year 9 party with no parents there. 11's too young to be at a party where there's likely to be drink. She'll be upset, but she'll get over it!

cheesefield · 20/10/2018 17:07

Remembering parties I went to in year 9 I wouldn't want my year 7 to go.

Oopsy41 · 20/10/2018 17:07

No way would I let my 11 year go to an unsupervised party especially when it's older kids there. I have a year 7 and a year 9 child and developmentally there is a huge difference between them

lalalalyra · 20/10/2018 17:11

You need to work out a long term strategy if she's going to be the type to have older friends. I wouldn't be keen on one of mine going if I didn't know the kids hosting the party.

Also at the parent whose house often has the parties I don't think I'd be too keen on an 11yo. There's quite a difference in the supervising needed by 14yos and 11yos.

Annebronte · 20/10/2018 17:11

I absolutely would not let her go and would be encouraging friendships within her own year group. Year 9 parties are where lots of kids start experimenting with alcohol.

ShadowHuntress · 20/10/2018 17:11

Nope 11 is too young for that kind of party. She may be sensible, but she doesn’t need to be exposed to the kind of things that may go on at that party. I’m amazed it’s unsupervised actually. Even 13-15 seem too you d to be left without supervision. Anything can happen

Original poster
upsideup · 20/10/2018 17:13

Seems the answers have completely switched now, I was beginning to consider IWBU and letting her go.
She told me what I was concerned about before I had to tell her, said its unlikely to be like that as its a Y9 party but if there is anything she will keep away. Y10 friends said his mates will behave if theres a bunch of Y8's and a Y7 there.`
I dont think picking her up early is the answer, I either need to trust and let her go or not.

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 20/10/2018 17:15

No definitely not. Not without any adult supervising.

xMALICEx · 20/10/2018 17:16

I was all for suggesting a curfew or you picking her up around 11pm, but reading that there isn't going to be a responsible adult around has spun me right round to a clear NO!

Gabilan · 20/10/2018 17:18

Y10 friends said his mates will behave if theres a bunch of Y8's and a Y7 there

Is there a chance of older kids bullying her or being spiteful if they think her presence is holding their mates back?

Rixera · 20/10/2018 17:19

It's not about trusting your daughter, but about trusting the other, older children, and your daughter already knows your concerns (which is a good thing) so perhaps you can make that clear to her.

I personally wouldn't trust a bunch of potentially drunk older teenagers around a smaller, more vulnerable child, and if it were me, I'd make it quite clear to my daughter I would feel like a bad parent to put her in harm's way like that.

toomanyeastereggsurghh · 20/10/2018 17:20

No way would I let my just out of primary school, 11 year old go to an unsupervised party with mainly 13-15 year olds. Even if there is no sex and drugs happening there will be lots of talk of it and there is bound to be alcohol. She is 11 for goodness sake, she doesn’t need to grow up so quickly. Be a responsible parent and say no even if you get tears and dramatics she is too young for these kind of parties.
I would also be trying to encourage more friendships within her own age range.

spacefighter · 20/10/2018 17:21

I would let her go if you trust her but pick her up at 10-10.30.

Original poster
upsideup · 20/10/2018 17:23

With her making friends in her own year, I don't really know what I can do about that. Her school arent concerned, all her teachers said she's very sociable and gets along with everyone. Has 'friends' she talks to in each of her lessons and is confident to work in pairs or groups so
it's not like she's on her own all the time or anyone's excluding her, she just hasnt found anyone in her year group she gets along with as well as her friends in Y8.
Hopefully she will find someone she likes and wants to do stuff with outside of school but she's too old for me to be arranging playdates for her and forcing friendships.

OP posts:
montenuit · 20/10/2018 17:23

No
And she should be making more effort with dcs in her own year group too.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2018 17:25

I can't believe there will be no parents there.

What if a crowd of uninvited teens turn up?

She's too young just now. I'd not be keen on a 12/13 year-old going either.

SofiaAmes · 20/10/2018 17:26

I have let my dd go to parties with older kids, BUT NEVER if there wasn't a parent present. It's a recipe for disaster. Even if your dd is sensible and not planning to drink or have sex. Do you really want her to be in a position where she might be the only sober or sensible child in a house with no adults and what happens if someone drinks too much and starts vomiting, or falls down the stairs, or a bunch of unknown kids crash the party, or someone takes drugs and od's or passes out? I explained this very carefully to my dd...my worry isn't that she will do something dangerous, but rather that she will end up in a position over her head having to care for someone else who did something dangerous and that's too much responsibility for an 11 year old.

If you didn't have the party happening for your ds, one compromise that I did reach with my dd was when she first started attending parties with older kids (she skipped a few grades so was generally socializing with older children), I agreed to let her go to the party 1) if there were adults present AND 2) I sat in my car in front of the house reading my Kindle (I am a night owl, so was happy to do this until midnight or 1). I didn't bug her inside (but did make her aware that I was aware that there was weed and alcohol happening inside) and although she was hesitant the first time, she did realize that it offered her a safety net (she suffers from anxiety) and in the end her friends thought it was quite cool and few of them asked if I could "watch out" for them too. Perhaps if you can suggest this as a possibility in the future for your dd, it might soften the disappointment of not being able to go to this party.

lalalalyra · 20/10/2018 17:28

I dont think picking her up early is the answer, I either need to trust and let her go or not.

This is very true. Anything that could happen between 10.30 and midnight could happen between 7 and 10.30pm.

Key questions for me would be - how many kids are going? What is the kid like who is havig te party? What are the parents like? How often are partiest held there? How sensible is your friend's Y10 really? (only because you are putting a lot of weight behind his words even though he isn't going - why not?)