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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lazy? Ungrateful? I don't understand!

126 replies

worriedandanxious · 20/10/2018 14:26

Long story short, I basically offered a friend (who is a single parent on benefits - child is older primary age) a very decently paid job with flexible hours and not much of a commute. Much more than she'd ever get from claiming anything, but it seemed like the realisation that she'd have to start paying her rent herself and loose CTC wasn't worth it, and she flat out refused. I really don't know why, when even after paying the bills she'd have more than she does now. Feeling pretty peed off at how dismissive she was about the job, even though it's the type of work she's done in the past and is more than capable of. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
TheyBuiltThePyramids · 20/10/2018 18:50

So do I - the fecking cheek of it!

Nomad13 · 20/10/2018 18:55

If she is your friend can't you offer her a bit of cash in hand work to help her out a bit for Xmas?

Yeah, let's just suggest people evade tax. 

TokyoKyoto · 20/10/2018 18:57

The sad thing about this situation is that there are thousands of people out there who think this should be the "answer" to being on benefits and can see none of the intricacies.
And they get a vote.

Bluelady · 20/10/2018 19:00

I'm beating mine on the table.

Echobelly · 20/10/2018 19:18

I would be rubbish at cleaning, so honestly I wouldn't accept taking on a job doing it even if I needed the money! Especially for a friend who then would be put in the awkward position of having to critique my cleaning.

TeachesOfPeaches · 20/10/2018 19:25

Get over yourself OP

thisneverendingsummer · 20/10/2018 19:29

@worriedandanxious

Worra - yes I've come into money. And? I'm trying to help my friend out as she won't accept handouts.

Are you for real?! 🙄😠🤯

You get worse with everything you post!

What a dreadful, patronising, condescending attitude you have.

Poloshot · 20/10/2018 19:33

She sounds bone idle, you're better off without her as an employee, lucky escape.

Lizzie48 · 20/10/2018 19:39

It sounds like you want a housemaid, not a friend. And even with a big house, surely you don't need a cleaner to come 4 days a week. Is there a reason why you can't do any cleaning yourself?

If your feeling wanted to do cleaning work, she could register with an agency and get clients that way. Much better than working for a friend who bitches about her on MN.

yesyesyess · 20/10/2018 19:49

Fuck her. Some people are beyond help. They just want to be given everything in their begging bowls.

ThePinkOcelot · 20/10/2018 19:57

I certainly wouldn’t want to work for my friend, cleaning her bog either OP. Totally degrading tbh!

Juells · 20/10/2018 19:59

Fuck her. Some people are beyond help. They just want to be given everything in their begging bowls.

Well, as I said towards the start of the thread...I don't know anything about the benefits system, but even I can see that she'd be really foolish to jeopardise her current just-managing situation for such a perilous depending-on-friendship non-job. Nobody could afford to take a risk like that when they have a child's security to think about. She could lose her home. YABU to criticise her for thinking things through and being sensible.

Bluelady · 20/10/2018 20:31

Totally agree. Begging bowls indeed.

corythatwas · 20/10/2018 20:45

If you are her only customer, you are her employer and it is not self employment. Perhaps she didn't want to risk getting into trouble for your tax dodge.

This, for a start. Before we start thinking about what NI contributions, full council tax, the whole business of getting registered is going to cost her.

I don't see anything degrading about cleaning a friend's toilet. But I would not risk my child's security for something that is as badly thought out as this.

Brainfogmcfogface · 20/10/2018 20:55

I’m in the same position as your friend and no way would I take it. Absolutely no security and still relying on benefits.

So what happens if you and friend have a falling out and you stop using her? She’s screwed! It’s nowhere near as straightforward as you made out in your OP. And the fact you consider it laziness or her to be ungrateful says a lot about you. No wonder she doesn’t want to work for you!

Wonkypalmtree · 20/10/2018 21:06

Maybe she values school holidays including the long summer break with child? Unless your offer was term time only?

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2018 21:24

OP - £50 per clean (I have a big house) and I assume she would then get working tax credits and help with rent etc in top.

Also OP - Much more than she'd ever get from claiming anything, but it seemed like the realisation that she'd have to start paying her rent herself and loose CTC wasn't worth it, and she flat out refused.

You really haven't thought this through have you?

Sparklesocks · 20/10/2018 21:26

Aside for the fact she might not want to register as self employed and deal with all the finance and tax stuff you need to learn (which can be tricky when you’re brand new to it) - she might not want to work for a friend. You would effectively be her boss and this would most likely impact on your friendship dynamic. She might not want that. She also might not be confident enough in her cleaning capabilities to clean to a professional standard, especially for a friend when it’s personal.

It’s not really your place to get arsey because she didn’t take you up on your offer, and write her off as lazy as a result. Not everyone wants to clean their mate’s house.

LavendarGreen · 20/10/2018 22:11

Agree with @sparklesocks it's not the OP's place to get arsey because her mate didn't want to work for her. I would not have said yes either, for many reasons (that some people are listing.)

Reminds me of someone I know who tried to give me a bunch of clothes of hers that she didn't want anymore, and I didn't want them as her style was not the same as mine, (and quite honestly, I would never wear what she wore!) and she looked quite Hmm when I said 'no thanks...'

I heard some weeks later that she had been slagging me off to at LEAST 3 or 4 people about me not accepting her 'kind offer' Hmm Basically saying that I was ungrateful, and that I was very rude for saying no.

FFS, I am entitled to say no to her second hand crap! If I HAD taken them (coz I was too scared to say no,) I would have just passed them on to someone else anyway!

bowdownbeforelokitty · 21/10/2018 05:00

Maybe she would prefer to remain simply your friend and not blur the lines by becoming an employee. You already have an imbalance in financial terms so it's not unreasonable that she thinks your friendship may suffer if you add a employer/employee aspect into the mix.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2018 05:36

Astonishing.

penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 06:07

LMAO

Shows how much you understand how things work.

It's not just about money. When you are in the bracket where you can claim such things, there are other benefits that aren't monetary that she would likely lose. Cleaning jobs don't pay much, self employed or otherwise, so I don't know where you get decently paid from. You have to work stupid hours to get a decent wage. If she gets CTC and her rent paid, she likely also gets council tax benefit, as well as a CTC exemption certificate for prescription and dental treatment for herself.

Working for friends is almost always a bad idea. If it goes wrong, she will be dropped right in it. Your attitude towards this is very telling. It's not that black and white, and by saying she's lazy and ungrateful, you're being a really shit friend.

If she has a child in primary school, then she will also have to consider child care for after school if she's working. That costs money. It's also not cheap. Free school dinners only happen for parents on an certain benefits. The cost of paying for those adds up. There's more.

Of course you could just be a horrible troll who loathes people on benefits, so... ¯\(ツ)/¯

WhoWants2Know · 21/10/2018 06:50

IME self employment is a real PITA in terms of claiming benefits. I ended up much worse off.

Also the admin side and completing a tax return is quite daunting for people who haven't had that kind of experience.

SillyMoomin · 21/10/2018 07:04
Grin

Op, you’re not a friend to this woman.

HTH

LeftRightCentre · 21/10/2018 13:19

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