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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you get married in church if you're not religious?

120 replies

Dogmum94 · 20/10/2018 09:58

Basically what it says really. Currently planning our wedding and need to decide. Our local church has a lot of meaning to DP and his family due to tradition more than religion. His family are Christian but not practicing, I was christened as a baby but wouldn't class myself as Christian, perhaps atheist maybe.
5 generations of his family have been married there, he was christened there and his DGM's funeral was held there and it's also where she is buried.
To me it just doesn't feel right getting married there when I'm not religious, and I'm worried other people/guests will think the same too but it means so much to his family

OP posts:

Grimbles · 20/10/2018 12:38

Gogogadetmumoftwo it's been that way since at least 2012 when funding was increased by £30 million

On 17 May 2012 the Church of England welcomed an agreement with the government over the future funding of alterations and repairs to its 12,500 listed buildings, providing an extra £30 million a year on top of the £12 million already granted by the government to the Church of England in the Listed Places of Worship Grant Scheme (LPWGS).[2]

This increase was to offset the removal of tax breaks enjoyed by the CofE

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Properties_and_finances_of_the_Church_of_England

Friolero · 20/10/2018 12:38

As an atheist, I would not get married in a church as the vows would be meaningless to me and I wouldn't feel like I was properly married.

thisneverendingsummer · 20/10/2018 12:40

@Alwayscoldhands

Personally, it makes me extremely cross when people who I know not to be practicing/ believing individuals get married or christen their children do so in church. In my view and experience, they’re doing it for the advantages it brings and not reciprocating this back to the community/ congregation.

I am of no faith, but will respectfully attend a service for family/ friends. The last christening I went to, I was very disappointed to see the mother retreat to the back and gossip with friends whilst the service with the regular congregation was going on.

This in spades! These people who just use the Church for their convenience and the nice photos, really grind my gears. They are always, without fail, rude and ignorant towards the Church, before AND after their wedding.

Regarding what a pp said earlier, I know not ALL atheists are rude and judgemental individuals, but SOME are. And as a number of posters have said, it's hugely hypocritical to get married in Church when you are an atheist.

@grimbles

And it's every kind of weird to get married in a CHRISTIAN CHURCH, even if it IS partly funded by 'taxpayers...' 🙄

What number on the list of excuses for atheists to get married in a Christian Church is THAT?

All this said, the OP is quite entitled to get married in Church, as her partner is a believer and she is agnostic.

She isn't atheist, she said she wrote that in error.

Cherries101 · 20/10/2018 12:41

@Gogogadetmumoftwo - probably but this is how small village churches tend to work. I don’t think it’s a racist thing because my white friends have also complained about the same thing.

QueenDoris · 20/10/2018 12:43

I know not ALL atheists are rude and judgemental individuals, but SOME are

I know not ALL Christians are sanctimonious prigs, but SOME are

clownstotheleft · 20/10/2018 12:45

Hi OP, I'm agnostic too (can't rule out the idea of the big G on a scientific basis, but don't believe we should follow some book (s) to be better people). I have never been christened/baptised to a faith, and while DH was christened he too is not religious so to speak. Saying that his family are religious and he has at least two vicars in the family! I vetoed a church wedding as I would personally feel a fraud (I don't even like attending church weddings of others much because of all the praying - which I don't subscribe to personally).

When DH family came to our big day I had a couple of lovely comments from in laws, saying how they had never been to a secular ceremony and they thought the words and sentiments were great (not sure what they were expecting... although we put off the ritual slaughter until later in the day .. )

Do what you want and feel happy with for both of you. Your family and friends will be there and make your day special even if the ceremony is performed in a cow shed!

Fatasfook · 20/10/2018 12:46

Yes, I shop in the polish section at Tesco and I’m not polish!

CherryPavlova · 20/10/2018 12:47

The Church of England is slightly different as the state sponsored religion. Churches are the centre of many local communities and more than a religious building. I think as long as the rector is understanding, then it’s fine.

Grimbles · 20/10/2018 12:49

@thisneverendingsummer

Its up to the couple really. I didn't get married in church, but if an atheist wants to marry in a church for whatever reason then that's their business.

Atheists are exposed to religion and religious rituals in many ways and metaphorically cross their fingers at the bits they don't believe in, or they may like the tradition and ceremony without necessary believing in it. The CofE don't have an issue with it so I don't see why it's anyone else's business.

If a couple choose to marry in a particular church because it's a beautiful building and are OK with God being referred to in their marriage ceremony then what's the problem?

CalmConfident · 20/10/2018 12:51

Sadly there are rude, ignorant and judgmental people from all walks of life and faith position (having it or not).

However, thankfully they are the minority and there are awesome people at different belief levels, worship attendance and religions

CalmConfident · 20/10/2018 12:52

It is about what is right for you and your partner - does not matter what other people think

twiglet · 20/10/2018 12:53

We got married in a church which had a connection to my family and my DH's.
My mum did our ceremony (it wasn't actually her church though) I'm more religious than my DH.

Like you my DH was initially sceptical as he's not really religious (although christened) and said it would be hypercritical. However once we met the stewards and the vicar and he attended a service he felt a lot happier with it. Partly as the money paid went all to the church so we got the usual church flower lady to do the flowers, paid the organist and bells again all going back to the community and gave an additional donation to their roof fund.

He was far more comfortable with this than paying for the alternative which was basically straight into the pocket of a hotel as we wouldn't have fitted into the registry office and the other registered buildings wanted to charge several thousand again not going to the local community etc.

It also meant that my mum could do our service which was really special for us.

LittleBookofCalm · 20/10/2018 13:34

If people are going to sneer at your choice op don't invite them

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 13:55

Cherries101 - I’m sorry to hear that. They could actually challenge this practice and would easily have it sorted.

Grimbles- I can only comment on the churches I have been part of.

PicaK · 20/10/2018 13:57

Surely it's all down to the vows? Are you happy to say them? If so go ahead - the venue means a lot to your fiance and his family and it looks pretty and they are welcoming of you.
If you find you can't say those vows then look for a different venue for the legal wedding and then think if you could have a blessing in the church.
But don't say words you're not happy with to keep your dh happy - not a good basis for marriage.

Grimbles · 20/10/2018 16:42

Gogogadetmumoftwo just to be clear I'm not criticising the church or clergy. It's good they recognise their position of privrlige and don't exclude non worshippers.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 20/10/2018 17:55

All this said, the OP is quite entitled to get married in Church, as her partner is a believer and she is agnostic.

There are some churches she'd be entitled to get married in even if they both gave Richard Dawkins a run for his money.

Ffiffime · 20/10/2018 23:14

We got married in church.
My husband is an absolute atheist. I was brought up as a Christian but now agnostic.

It meant so much to me getting married in church as it was where I went to Sunday school, it was where I was christened, where my parents got married and where we said goodbye to my grandfather.

My husband was fine with it as it was important to me. I wanted to get married in a place I had a connection to.

agnurse · 20/10/2018 23:44

I can only speak as a Catholic, but in Catholicism there is an expectation that the couple be practicing their faith in order to be married in the Church. If they're not practicing it may be recommended that they consider a church wedding at a more appropriate time in their faith journey. Normally a baptized Catholic must be married in a Catholic church or receive permission to be married elsewhere. The permission is only given if there is a good reason (e.g. the other person isn't Catholic and isn't comfortable with a church wedding).

If you don't believe I don't think it's appropriate to have your wedding in a church.

redexpat · 20/10/2018 23:50

DH is Christian and I am not. We had a civil marriage and a blessing in the church. Would you be ok with that? I felt it was a good comprimise as both of our feelings and needs were met.

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