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Original poster

Would you get married in church if you're not religious?

120 replies

Dogmum94 · 20/10/2018 09:58

Basically what it says really. Currently planning our wedding and need to decide. Our local church has a lot of meaning to DP and his family due to tradition more than religion. His family are Christian but not practicing, I was christened as a baby but wouldn't class myself as Christian, perhaps atheist maybe.
5 generations of his family have been married there, he was christened there and his DGM's funeral was held there and it's also where she is buried.
To me it just doesn't feel right getting married there when I'm not religious, and I'm worried other people/guests will think the same too but it means so much to his family

OP posts:
flowery · 20/10/2018 11:42

It depends if you believe in what you’re saying in the vows. If you don’t, then of course it’s hypocritical and disrespectful.

Topseyt · 20/10/2018 11:45

We did it 25 years ago. We are not churchgoers beyond Christmas, funerals and occasional weddings. I'd say that we are a pair of agnostics, although about half of each of our families are quite religious.

Back then if I remember correctly the main choice of venue was either a church or registry office, and where we lived the registry office was not particularly nice at the time. We chose the church instead.

If we were doing it today I am pretty sure we would make good use of the greater choice of venues.

I intend to have a humanist funeral when the time comes, though don't want to think too closely about that just yet. My MIL had a humanist funeral despite a Catholic upbringing. It seemed ideal to me.

I think humanist type weddings are available too.

ShadyLady53 · 20/10/2018 11:46

@nothingonthetelly

Hmm

I was referring to a specific number of atheists on this thread who had explicitly said that they felt it was disrespectful to essentially lie and pay lip service when they had family members for whom the words of the vows were significant and meaningful.

I don’t believe people of faith deserve a special level of respect. I think we should all be respectful towards one another regardless of belief or lack of belief.

I do think however that when entering a religious building and attending a service people should be mindful of the customs, just as I would be if I was visiting a country with different customs to the UK for example. I’ve had to sit and watch a man fingering his girlfriend during a wedding ceremony, a dozen guys randomly walk out of a baptism “We’re off to the pub!”, people having their phones out, texting, on Facebook, making calls, eating etc. People, as you say, rolling their eyes at the religious aspects, talking over the religious leader’s sermon, laughing loudly at inappropriate times, turning up drunk etc. It’s offensive behaviour any way, wether it’s at a registry office or a temple. Many people who are religious would also see it as a slight to God and that can be shocking and dare I say, hurtful to some.

Nenic · 20/10/2018 11:53

No, I’m not a hypocrite

VickieCherry · 20/10/2018 11:55

Nope, no way. You'd have to say the religious version of the vows, which would be meaningless for me.

exexpat · 20/10/2018 11:59

shadylady - nothing to do with respecting religious family members in my case, more to do with respecting myself and not making vows I did not believe in. Family (on both sides) would have been very happy for me to get married in church even though they knew I did not believe.

ImogenTubbs · 20/10/2018 12:00

Definitely not. I didn't want half my vows to be meaningless lies. How was DH supposed to believe I meant other half?

ShadyLady53 · 20/10/2018 12:06

For goodness sake, I was just thanking the people on this thread that stated that they considered family members religious beliefs when making their decision. I thought that was a nice thing to do.
Fine if your reasons were different, I don’t care, good on you. I was referring to specific posters on this thread, as I’ve already said.

FoofOfTheWalkingDead · 20/10/2018 12:11

I am fully atheist but DH believes although he's not a church goer. He wanted to be married in the chapel at his school which had special meaning. I asked the reverend if she minded that I wasn't a believer and it was fine with her. I'm not an atheist who bad mouths Christians like one poster says upthread. Whatever floats your boat I say. I don't think it was disrespectful of me to get married in a Christian ceremony because it meant something to dh. I would have gone for a humanist or registry ceremony otherwise.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 12:13

LittleBookofCalm - they are part of the role but a small part in my church since we don’t have a pretty building. Other clergy do loads. It varies really. In C of E clergy don’t keep any wedding fees so no financial incentive. We are all paid exactly same amount. Is that what you meant? Sorry if I misunderstood.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 12:16

As the Church of England is established it’s all a little different in that the church has historically had the view that everyone (regardless of faith) has a parish and that they can get married in that parish. They is now a ‘connection’ rule that means you can get married in a C of E church that you have a connection to. For that reason you always can get married in church even if you are a staunch atheist but I think if you have very strong views like that it would feel very strange for you and he vicar. That’s only my personal view and I wouldn’t refuse to marry someone. I would just want them to understand what the service is like so they can (both) make an informed decision.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 12:17

By both I mean both halves of the couple.

Grimbles · 20/10/2018 12:19

I used to think it hypocritical until I found out that the CofE receives gornment funding to maintain their buildings I now think why shouldn't atheists benefit from using a venue their tax is helping to maintain?

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 12:20

Grimbles - you are mistaken

Johnnyfinland · 20/10/2018 12:23

No! I wouldn’t get married in a mosque/synagogue/gurdwara etc either because it’s not my faith and a church is no different. I can understand if one person in the couple is religious and attends that church, but if neither are and just do it for the aesthetics I think that’s incredibly tacky

poshme · 20/10/2018 12:23

Well the church I was treasurer for never received a penny of government funding for its building.
I've never heard of any church that does- it's why cathedrals usually charge entry fees

Cherries101 · 20/10/2018 12:24

There’s a huge hypocrasy with church weddings. I know an Indian couple, both protestant, who couldn’t get married at their local church because they didn’t attend services regularly enough (they attended every two weeks as they spend one out of 2 sundays with family in London). Yet one of their regulars could get her totally non-attending / daughter married there!

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 12:28

Cherries101 - if it was Church of England church then the church was acting improperly according to our own rules. Other churches are entirely governed by their own rules of course.

jiskoot · 20/10/2018 12:28

I'm getting married next year and my OH would have preferred a church wedding as it (in his words) doesn't feel like a proper marriage otherwise. It would have been the perfect venue as we're having the reception at our house nearby but I would have felt hypocritical if it had been in a church, I haven't even been in one in years. So we've picked some RHS gardens near us instead for the ceremony

ashtrayheart · 20/10/2018 12:30

I couldn't and wouldn't get married in a church as I have no religion and would hate it.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 12:32

Grimbles - I stand corrected. As you can see it’s a recent pilot scheme. I’ve honestly never seen or been part of a church that has had any public funding. Nor do I agree with it personally.

Isleepinahedgefund · 20/10/2018 12:33

If it meant that much to my prospective husband but meant nothing to me, I would so long as I wouldn't have to join in on the religious bit (is that even possible?!)

As it happens I am very bothered by religion so I wouldn't be comfortable getting married in a church.

ApocalypseNowt · 20/10/2018 12:35

I'm an atheist and did not have a church wedding. I've have felt a complete fraud with the religious wording of the ceremony.

I did want somewhere pretty though and found a very pretty non-religious building to do it in.

OP if you don't believe and your DH wants to get married there for reasons of 'tradition' rather than religious belief then really I don't think it's the right thing to do. Each to their own though!

CalmConfident · 20/10/2018 12:35

Blimey Confused Smile

It is a personal decision, like many things and one for you and your partners to make. We all have different histories, experiences and approaches.

In the end it is about making promises to each other. The place of choice to do that, and indeed who you want there to support or witness those vows is different and personal to all couples. Room for all