Would you get married in church if you're not religious?

[Dogmum94]

Basically what it says really. Currently planning our wedding and need to decide. Our local church has a lot of meaning to DP and his family due to tradition more than religion. His family are Christian but not practicing, I was christened as a baby but wouldn't class myself as Christian, perhaps atheist maybe.
5 generations of his family have been married there, he was christened there and his DGM's funeral was held there and it's also where she is buried.
To me it just doesn't feel right getting married there when I'm not religious, and I'm worried other people/guests will think the same too but it means so much to his family

I’m atheist and wouldn’t get married in a church. I’m happy to attend church weddings, funerals etc, but for myself, it would feel wrong to use the church in that way as a non-believer.

Personally I wouldn’t (and didn’t) get married in a church as I no longer practice my religion. I know my mum found this quite upsetting but I just think it’s massively hypocritical.
If I was marrying someone who also didn’t practise their religion I’d be reluctant to marry in his church as well.
However I go to mass at Christmas to appease my mum and that’s massively hypocritical as well so .....

No. Read the words used in the marriage service - it makes it clear that it all centres around god, which would make it meaningless to me.

I got married back in the early 90s when the only choice was not-very-beautiful register offices or churches, but still insisted on register office (DH would have been happy with church) as I did not want our important, legally binding ceremony to be tied up in stuff I did not believe in.

Now you have a much wider choice of venues, why go for a church if you are not a believer?

Another vicar here. Weddings aren't the bread and butter of the church. Ive done one since I came here 4 years ago. In England you can get married in your parish church whether you worship there or not. You don't have to be baptised or make a Christian commitment. This site gives details www.yourchurchwedding.org/

I was in the same position as you. I would go as far to say I am extremely agnostic, as is DH. Neither of us were christened but DH chose to later when he was asked to be a godfather for his relation both at this church.

In the end it was a family church, even if the family isn't religious, and DH is a traditionalist. I like the tradition even though I don't believe, and there was nowhere else I'd rather get married.

I don't think anyone judged us, I think most people appreciate a church wedding.

No I wouldn't. I am an atheist.
I am not having a religious funeral service either. Or indeed any service at all.

I see the OPs concerns. To me unless one of you is religious it seems wrong, as you are in a sense being asked to almost lie. I was a supporter of the change in the law Gyles Brandreth brought in to allow non-religious places to host weddings.

I am non religious but we got married in our local church. I would have been quite happy with the local registry office. My dh grandmother is religious and really wanted us to get married in the church so she paid for it. I was quite nervous about it, but actually it was lovely. The only thing that let it down/ made it more memorable was the appalling organist. Some bum notes to say the least.
We also had all our kids christened there, and the preschool they all went to was next door to the church so were connected to it that way. It was nice in the end to have it play a fairly large part of our lives.

No. My family are Methodists and close family member could have married us in lovely chapel. BUT I read the marriage service and I could not say the words in good faith as an atheist and respect the faith of my family too much to fib. People thought my mum would be cross. Quite the opposite :) super supportive for sticking to my beliefs My brother and wife do have faith and seeing them do the full vows knowing they were true for them was wonderful. I think the compromise of a blessing suggested by previous poster a fabulous idea :) You can still write your own vows and DH include god in his

Too many smiles

Unless DP definitely believes in God then you shouldn't. His family's views and traditions are irrelevant - a church wedding should be about making a commitment to each other in the sight of God, not somewhere that looks pretty in the photos or that means a lot to someone else.

I wouldn't (and didn't), I'm atheist though, for me, making vows involving God would have been a lie, I wouldn't want to tarnish my vows that way.

Also, and I find this difficult to express so bear with me, I don't like the though of going through the motions of something that means nothing to me, but means something to other people, it feels really disrespectful to their faith.

I'd feel hypocritical too, like 'I don't believe in your God but your building is pretty and the ceremony is cheap, I'll just borrow that for the day.'

I think it's different if you're agnostic rather than atheist though. Especially if DP is religious.

I am still not clear what DP wants to do as the statements are a bit vague, yes I get he is a Christian and that “the church has meaning”, but that is not as clear as DP would /would not like to get married in church.

So my answer, if it had been important for my DH to get married in church I would. But as neither of us are religious, we did not.

I am tentatively religious in the sense I do believe but it’s not a huge part of my life (I attend at Christmas and Easter and sporadically once or twice over the year at normal services). Getting married in church however was important to me, and we have a family church that all our wedding, funerals and christenings happen in. DH isn’t religious, although he was christened. He was happy to marry in church but was clear with our vicar that he didn’t consider himself a Christian, and she was fine with that. Interestingly since the wedding he has come to church with me so we may make a believer of him yet he’s ok with us christening future children as he says himself, he was christened but doesn’t feel like it’s forced him into being religious in later life.

It sounds like this church is important to your DFiance so I would seriously consider agreeing to it - it meant a lot to me.

@Alfie19 DP wants to get married there but more because of family ties and tradition rather than purely for religious reasons.

I am not religious and not christened and I got married in a church. My husband wanted to and it's a beautiful church.
The vicar knew I wasn't religious and was happy to do the service.
Sounds like your local church means a lot to the family so I would do the church if I was you.

@Frlrlrubert Agnostic is what I meant (blush) no idea why I wrote Atheist. I am open to there being a God and I fully understand and accept his religion and beliefs but I don't necessarily 100% believe myself but also wouldn't completely rule it out if that makes sense?

But I do agree with you regarding the feeling hypocritical, although I wouldn't choose to marry there because it's pretty or costs less, that has no bearing on my decision at all

I find it really odd and it really gets on my nerves.

People who don't give the Church the time of day, who never go, who mock people who go, call God the sky fairy, and lambaste the belief of Christians (no other religion, just Christians,) should not be having a Church wedding IMO. It pisses me off that they want nothing to do with it; yet they think nothing of using the Church so they can get pretty pictures, of the lovely gardens and the nice Gothic Church.

Pisses me right off. I know several vicars who refuse people who have never ever been to the Church. If you want pretty pictures with a nice building in the background, go to a stately home or something!

Same with Christenings. I have been to the family service at times, and the vicar has decided to do a Christening for someone's baby (a family who NEVER come to Church normally,) and it ends up full of people who have never been before and who never come again. In addition, they don't speak to anyone they don't know. They just ignore the regulars and stay in their family clique. Even when people try and make conversation with them, they don't want to know.

Some of the parishioners walk out when they see there's a Christening in the service, and that 90% of the people there are people who have never been before. As I said, they never come again, and don't even speak to anyone - only the people who are in (or with) the family who have come for the Christening.

Our vicar has been doing Christenings (as part of the family service,) to try to bring more families to the Church, but it doesn't - it just gets people using the Church for their convenience and never coming back. Same with weddings. Still, they get 400 quid every time someone has a wedding, so they're not going to turn down income are they?

I think if you are an atheist it can be a little bit disrespectful. But your fiancé is religious so that’s a tricky one - my husband is more religious than I am but I really meant my vows in church. Would they have as much meaning for you do you think?

I went to a wedding in a church where both the bride and groom were atheists and were basically marrying there for the nice pictures which I found disrespectful but your situation is more complicated!

Maybe you could chat with the vicar/priest and explain the situation? I think they would still be happy as it obviously is a special venue for your fiancé and his family but it’s your wedding too so you need to be 100% happy.

I’m religious and attend my place of worship each week at least. It’s a stunningly beautiful building and so we get a lot of people who aren’t in the slightest religious want to use it for nicer pictures and a big fancy wedding ceremony. I’ve assisted at a lot of these weddings and many of us regular attendees have been quite sad to see many of these people and their guests can be quite disrespectful of the building and the traditions associated with our faith. It can be very upsetting.

I think in your case, the fact that the building has significance in the family’s history means it would be nice to continue traditional and wed at the church. However I’m guessing most of the ceremony itself will be quite meaningless for you in terms of the religious aspects? How do you feel about the wording etc of the vows?

No, I'm not religious and didn't marry in church. My DC are not christened and I don't want a religious funeral. Luckily my DH is the same.

@thisneverendingsummer have you actually read any of my posts? At no point have I said anything of those things, neither have I said I want the 'pretty pictures'

surely the parishioners should welcome irregular church goers?

Anyone seen Rev?
usually Midnight Mass, christmas eve, full,
rest of the year, you can hear a pin drop

the village church near me did a service for pets, did the regulars mind? same as a harvest festival?