Would you get married in church if you're not religious?

[Dogmum94]

Basically what it says really. Currently planning our wedding and need to decide. Our local church has a lot of meaning to DP and his family due to tradition more than religion. His family are Christian but not practicing, I was christened as a baby but wouldn't class myself as Christian, perhaps atheist maybe.
5 generations of his family have been married there, he was christened there and his DGM's funeral was held there and it's also where she is buried.
To me it just doesn't feel right getting married there when I'm not religious, and I'm worried other people/guests will think the same too but it means so much to his family

I wouldn't but I'm a raging athiest and just couldn't.

However, in your position I think it's fine. Honestly, no problem.

The CofE (if it's CofE) explicitly say that they are there for the whole community and if you want to get married in church then you are welcome to.

I see someone has posted a link upthread so have a look.

Have to say to, it’s very heartening to see many of the atheists replying on here that they were so considerate and didn’t want to be disrespectful towards their faithful family members by saying vows that were meaningless to them. Genuinely, thank you for being respectful!

i am getting quite annoyed with the phrase that the parishioners are unwelcoming and may have to leave the thread - real life beckons

I wouldn't but we are both atheists so it felt very wrong for us to get married in a Church. His mum was worried it wouldn't be legally binding if not in a church and we had a fair amount of pressure from mostly his side. But it was our day, not theirs so pffff

No. My oh wanted a church wedding. I tried to be ok with it, but it didn’t sit right with me.

Some of the parishioners walk out when they see there's a Christening in the service, and that 90% of the people there are people who have never been before.

Aren't they likely to be friends/family of the parents, and therefore not necessarily local or from that denomination anyway? I've certainly been to Christenings in churches I never go in otherwise, but that's because they're 200 miles away! (Even if they're not, though, it's not really appropriate for parishioners to strop out of a service because they disapprove of the attendance record of others there imho, and I say this as someone who is there every Sunday.)

Anyway OP - I would unpick with your fiancé exactly why this is important to him, and then go and see the vicar together so you can hash out "we believe different things and I don't want to pretend things that aren't true for me."

No, DH & I decided we wouldn't, as we don't go to church. My parents even offered to pay for the church (they do go) but we said no, as it would have felt dishonest.

I think if either of us had had a particular family connection to the church, it might have been a different matter though. Not sure what we'd have done in that case - a more difficult decision!

"Have to say to, it’s very heartening to see many of the atheists replying on here that they were so considerate and didn’t want to be disrespectful towards their faithful family members by saying vows that were meaningless to them"

Erm that's not the reason at all

I didn't get married in church because I would have been rolling my eyes during the ceremony at every mention of god and I would have felt it silly to marry someone saying words that included a bunch of stuff that I think is nonsense.

I didn't do it out of respect for you.

You seem very keen that everyone should respect you lots.

It's interesting. I don't feel that I should be afforded special respect for anything, as a woman just a normal amount would be nice

Right so to clear a few things up:
DP IS religious and really wants to get married in this particular church, although mainly for the meaning and significance it has to himself and also his family members. If it was another church he probably wouldn't be as bothered about getting married there compared to this one specific church
I am bordering on Agnostic if I had to label myself, I didn't mean Atheist but don't know how to contact MNHQ to get that bit of wording changed?
I also don't want to just use the church for the 'pretty buildings and pictures', I already stated in my op that at the moment I am slightly uncomfortable with it.

And IF I could have managed to go along with it, I would have done, as my in laws are religiouchurch goers, and my parents were a bit upset that we didn't have a church wedding. One is RC other CofE.

So if I had been not so strong in my views I would have done it.

it is NORMAL in most religiions, and in the uK in the past,to marry in the religion of your background / culture, irrespective of whether you believe in it or not. It's only here where we have become more secular and are not so "culturally" religious that there are complaints when there are question marks over whether people shoudl be allowed to, and I mean you can't see into someon's head and know if they believe in god or not.

Plus plenty of regular curchgoers don't believe, they go for other reasons.

I know loads of older people like this.

OP I think church is a good option for you as key for your DH and you are agnostic. Might be good idea to read the actual wording of vows and see if you would feel comfortable saying them out loud?

That made the decision immediately clear for me (albeit a no in my case)

I did it. Both myself and my dh were brought up Catholic, neither of us practice really. We go to church at Christmas and sometimes Easter.
The priest back when we got married was fine with that.
It was more about the significance of being married in the same church we were baptised in etc. Our children were also baptised there but we don't attend church on a Sunday.

As long as the priest is ok with it I don't see the problem.

OP its fine,

I think it's nice to do this for your DH TBH

And it's not like you think it's all total rubbish.

Honestly MN can be very weird for this stuff, IRL loads of people who havent' set foot in a church for years get married there every weekend, and everythng is good.

If the church themselves say it's fine then I woulldn't worry about some people sneering about pretty churches from the sidelines.

Who feels more strongly? Are you adamant that you do not want to get married in a church? If your husband feels very strongly that it is important to him and you are just slightly uncomfortable then I would get married in the church and vice versa. Marriage is not about where you say your vows but about love,compromise and respecting each other. I imagine many posters who are quick to judge people as hypocrites for marrying in a church do not see themselves as hypocrites for telling their children about Father Christmas ( a man they do not themselves believe in ) or celebrating Christmas and Easter ( Christian celebrations ).
And yes , I realise I am about to get flamed for that argument but to me our wedding was about us getting married to each other.We chose the people,places etc that was important to us, as individuals and as a couple and respected each other's decisions.
Good luck with your wedding and your marriage!

I am a Christian, DH is christened but a non believer. When we married we had a civil ceremony because to me for him to say vows to in church seemed not right somehow. He was ok doing either.

The church I attend is a very plain looking church so hardly anyone marries there unless it is a member of the congregation. There is a very beautiful church across town with open fields surrounding it and it is booked up constantly for weddings, my friend got drafted in to do a few one summer it was so busy.

It's all money for the church and I suppose non believers will have some contact with the church and hopefully it will be a positive thing so while I'm not against it at all I can't understand why a cosmetic aspect means more than anyone's belief or non belief system.

Lots of people do get married in church without being regular churchgoers so on that basis I think it's fine. Also some bits of the ceremony are the same in both, God isn't mentioned in every line of the vows.

But if you would really feel uncomfortable maybe have a blessing instead? Then you could even do the registry office on another day to do the legal bit.

I did first time round because it meant a huge amount to my then OH and also to both our parents and wider family, although it didn't bother me one way or the other. The main point to me was that we were married ... where that happened was secondary. I didn't feel hypocritical or "wrong" in any way. Marriage is something which involves two people, so the actual ceremony needs to be agreed by both, surely.

I think if you look at the wording of the ceremony and think you can say those vows with a clear conscience you're fine.

shadylady thank you for your Kind words. The one thing my childhood has given me is lots of songs! wonderful hymns even with my rubbish voice. I do love that opportunity at weddings, funerals and Christmas - makes me emotional

Parish churches are there for the community, so there is no issue with non believers getting married or having their babies christened in church. I don't go to a parish church, though I am confirmed, but when I did, I picked up the fact that a lot of people first set foot in church when getting married or having their baby christened.

For people who think it's disrespectful, maybe you'll feel happier in other denominations who only marry church members or practising Christians.

OP, there's no reason why you shouldn't get married in the parish church if it's what you and your DF want. As has been said before, you should definitely have a chat with the vicar and see how you feel after that.

I'm an atheist, I suppose with some agnostic tendencies as I'd like to think there was someone up there as it's comforting to a lot of people. I want to get married in a church as the music means a lot to me and it wouldn't feel like a wedding to me without my favourite hymns. We do actually quite regularly attend church as the kids' uniformed organisations are based there and we go to the services they need to etc. I also used to work with the vicar's wife and know a lot of the congregation through various community things.

So whilst it would probably feel a bit hypocritical and I've always slated people who get married in church for the pretty pictures, it still feels like My church and I couldn't imagine getting married anywhere else!

Personally, it makes me extremely cross when people who I know not to be practicing/ believing individuals get married or christen their children do so in church. In my view and experience, they’re doing it for the advantages it brings and not reciprocating this back to the community/ congregation.
I am of no faith, but will respectfully attend a service for family/ friends. The last christening I went to, I was very disappointed to see the mother retreat to the back and gossip with friends whilst the service with the regular congregation was going on.
Slight digression from OP’s post, Apologies!
Agree with pp who said to sound out the vicar’s view - honesty and clear respect for the religious elements of the service may be enough for them. Just depends at what point you’d feel hypocritical.
Best wishes for however you get married

It's perfectly reasonable to find meaning in a religious ritual at a particular place without being religious yourself, and to want to participate in it for this reason. And common, too. Lots of non-believers value ceremonies for reasons of family tradition and culture. It's also reasonable to not be religious but to agree to marry in a religious ceremony to please your partner. Anyone who objects to that is a dick. And if they're a member of the established church, should really be campaigning for disestablishment.

That said, you shouldn't have a wedding you're not going to feel comfortable with. Even if it would make your fiance happy. You shouldn't get married in a church if you don't want to, but I'd encourage you to make your decision based on your own feelings rather than what other people might or might not think of you.

I did and neither of us are religious.

I like the tradition, it takes me back to my childhood. It brings a sense of solemness that the council offices or a naff hotel don't.

A marriage is a promise between the two people involved. It is nothing much to do with God and, if you read the service, it is not focused on God.