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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my phone settings are my own business?

122 replies

dellacucina · 20/10/2018 01:36

Tonight I was out for a rare dinner with a friend.

DH called during dinner because DD was vomiting and he felt I needed to come take care of her. I normally have all sounds off. I was in the middle of dinner and didn't see the message for about 30 minutes (unusual for me). My friend asked why he could not take care of his own daughter and encouraged me to pay our bill and finish our meal before responding (about 10 minutes more max).

When I got home DH gave me a bollocking for not having my ringer on. I told him that this generally works well and I would not have heard the ring anyway in the restaurant.

I normally check my phone obsessively. (For his part DH has a habit of leaving his phone in his jacket and becoming uncontactable for a long time).

AIBU to leave sounds off my phone?

NB: I have brought this up as a side point in a separate thread

OP posts:

chocolatebox1 · 20/10/2018 15:05

There are so many reasons you could have missed a call even if your ringer had been on - what if the restaurant was in a basement with no signal? What if your phone was flat? You were obviously going to be contactable or get home at some point in the fairly near future, I don't like his attitude about this at all.

7salmonswimming · 20/10/2018 15:36

I think if you were to tell him that if you got divorced he’d have to have DD half the time without you there, you and he might both hear him saying surprising things. He hasn’t figured out that he has no choice in the matter. Or rather, that he does but he may not like himself too much if he exercises that choice.

gilmoregal · 20/10/2018 16:15

The child had a parent there, it's not like the OP was uncontactable for paid childcare. If the child needed to go to hospital her parent is there to take her, and is just as able to clean up vomit, provide comfort etc as Mum is.

OP you aren't a crap Mum, but it does sound like you've got a crappy husband sadly.

I have a friend who's ex husband is the same when he has their children he calls to say one has ear ache for example. Do you think she calls during the week when one has ear ache or similar? Of course she doesn't. She then has to pick them both up as he's incapable of giving calpol, checking their temp, ringing 111.

I went to a spa weekend recently, signal is appalling there and I didn't have my phone physically on me for hours and hours at a time. I warned dh of this, and ensured he had the spas phone number in case of an actual emergency.

Do you work OP, and those pp who think we should be on call 24/7? For example I'm a nurse and do not and can not have my phone on me at work.

My Mum and husband have my work number for emergencies this worked fine when I was a child and my mum was at work so unsure why it shouldn't be fine now?

MulticolourMophead · 20/10/2018 16:29

OP, I left one like this, sadly only after 30 years. Your DH is controlling, and it'll only get worse.

Your DD is young enough to cope with separated parents, it'll become the norm soon enough. My DCs were teens, and both have been left with MH issues as a result of our time living with ex. If I could go back in time and leave when DS was tiny, I would.

ChocoPoppy · 20/10/2018 16:31

I think you sound like a loving mum op and deserve a break to have some time with friends. Everyone needs to recharge and you cannot continue to be your best for others if you don't care for yourself first. Please feel no guilt over these calls and messages you have done nothing wrong.

The next time you are having an evening out you could be cheeky and hire a babysitter or ask a friend to have your dc. If hubby says anything just say that he seems incapable of coping on his own so you took action to have someone capable there for dc. However I think he would soon put a stop to that that too as the issue is he wants you under control at all times.

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 20/10/2018 16:37

"DH has a habit of leaving his phone in his jacket and becoming uncontactable for a long time"

Yet when you go out and are not contactable you get a guilt trip? Nip that shit right in the bud.

LongSummerDays · 20/10/2018 16:39

WTF? He's the child's Dad! He should be able to take care of his own child for a few hours!

No this is not about his competence with his child it's because he resents his wife having a social life while he's at home. He does not need a third party to babysit, he's a parent so is there to, you know, parent!

CandleWithHair · 20/10/2018 16:45

what do you think you might do about the situation OP? It’s undoubtedly reassuring for you to hear you’re not being unreasonable but nothing will improve without some action now.

hannnnnnnxo · 20/10/2018 16:47

Can you genuinely see this relationship actually lasting long-term? I can’t, unless he fundamentally changes. He sounds like an entitled brat that can’t handle his child by himself. He can’t keep putting his own wants over yours and coming up with reasons why you can’t do what you want/why you need to instantly rush home when you’re out etc. I know he’s your husband but he sounds shit.

mamatomjl · 20/10/2018 17:07

I'd love to have the problem of my DH texting when I leave my dd at home regularly.

knittingdad · 20/10/2018 17:13

Once when I was at work - where I normally have my phone silenced - my DD's school tried to phone because she was ill and needed to be collected. I wasn't at my desk so l didn't get the call when they tried my work number after my mobile.

However, they were able to talk to my manager, who found me, and so I left to collect my DD.

If it really is an emergency then there are ways to make contact. Your DH could have called the restaurant for example. This is what would have happened in the times before mobile phones.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 17:29

@mamatomjl why would you love to have the problem? I'm intrigued!

Isleepinahedgefund · 20/10/2018 17:43

Surely it’s not that he can’t handle it, he doesn’t see why he should and therefore thinks nothing of impinging on and running whatever OP is doing.

OP i’m Glad you’re seeing the pattern of his behaviour, and that you haven’t rolled out the “he’s a great dad/husband despite this awful thing he does” line.

I keep my phone on do not disturb pretty much most of the time unless I’m expecting a call e.g. the doctor calling back. I check it relatively regularly, but I figure that everyone is a grown up and can handle an emergency without my help. And if it’s a medical emergency, they should be calling 999, not me. The reason I keep it on do not disturb is because I do not want to be disturbed!

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 20/10/2018 18:16

To do it once is poor judgement and panicking. To do it multiple times is controlling and arsehole behaviour.

Hissy · 20/10/2018 18:27

Was your dd actually sick op? I’m thinking it was a lie just to get you back home.

Very worrying what you have posted already

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 20/10/2018 18:32

@sonandhelpneeded I believe @mamatomjl was being passive aggressive.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 18:44

@CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide I truly don't understand, maybe me being dim? Why would you post just that with no explanation?

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 20/10/2018 19:07

"I'd love to have the problem"

Passive aggressively suggesting the OPs problem isn't really a problem.

"of my DH texting when I leave my dd at home regularly."

The OP never stated she leaves her dd home "regularly", she has listed a few occasions she's left her dd in the care of dds dad, that @mamatomjl does suggest the OP leaves her dd regularly is passive aggressive.

I can't understand it either, but suspect mamatomjl is feeling oppressed in her own way and feels empowered by a bit of horizontal bullying 🤷‍♂️

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 19:12

@CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide thank you, I understand (sort of) now.

theworldistoosmall · 20/10/2018 19:21

I would be going out more. There are crap parts of parenting, and we don't get to pick and chose.
At times I have been at work and the child with the other parent when ill. I would have asked wtf was wrong with him if he wanted me home to deal with ill child. And phone the restaurant to find me that way? Nope. He would have been told to crack on with it and deal with the vomiting child.

I have also been in situations where the child has been taken ill at school. They phone my numbers and cannot reach me, so contact other people on the list.

Just because I am mum doesn't mean that all illness care falls on my shoulders. My fanny doesn't give me special powers,

penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 02:08

He sounds like a selfish prick to be honest.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/10/2018 13:39

This is SO not about phone settings.

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