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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my phone settings are my own business?

122 replies

dellacucina · 20/10/2018 01:36

Tonight I was out for a rare dinner with a friend.

DH called during dinner because DD was vomiting and he felt I needed to come take care of her. I normally have all sounds off. I was in the middle of dinner and didn't see the message for about 30 minutes (unusual for me). My friend asked why he could not take care of his own daughter and encouraged me to pay our bill and finish our meal before responding (about 10 minutes more max).

When I got home DH gave me a bollocking for not having my ringer on. I told him that this generally works well and I would not have heard the ring anyway in the restaurant.

I normally check my phone obsessively. (For his part DH has a habit of leaving his phone in his jacket and becoming uncontactable for a long time).

AIBU to leave sounds off my phone?

NB: I have brought this up as a side point in a separate thread

OP posts:
LIZS · 20/10/2018 09:43

Yes agree, perhaps looking back at how he has behaved in past would clarify things. Neither your nor dd 's needs seem to be a priority.

CandleWithHair · 20/10/2018 09:45

Perhaps if he spent more time solo parenting his DD she wouldn’t be so distraught at you being absent when she feels ill. He sounds like a controlling prick tbh.

UpstartCrow · 20/10/2018 09:47

If you rarely get time to yourself and he interrupts you when you do, you have a bigger problem that your phone settings. Its a form of controlling behaviour.

oblada · 20/10/2018 09:48

Well on the one hand your DH should be able to handle this on his own no question there.
On the other hand things can and do happen quickly with children and since we've had to deal with some emergencies with our youngest I know have a setting which means if I'm called 3times in quick succession it will override the silent mode and ring out. I've asked DH to do the same and I hope he did.

smallchanceofrain · 20/10/2018 09:49

I remember arriving home to find my OH holding a vomiting 2 year old over a bucket. He'd used all the tea towels for mopping up sick. He was clearly struggling a bit but he coped and he hadn't phoned me. It's called parenting. You need to show your DH this thread OP.

category12 · 20/10/2018 09:49

Basically every time you go out, he tries to get you back early because he doesn't want to parent (or he doesn't want you to have a life).

I'd be switching off my phone more, not less.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 09:54

Oblada: thanks, I actually have now adjusted my settings and my phone has a similar option

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 20/10/2018 09:55

OP - please don't feel guilty. You were, in fact, "there for" your child in the ways that matter. You had ensured that she was safely in the care of her father, who I'm sure is capable of wiping up sick and giving her a cuddle. You were then enjoying a brief night out, safe in the knowledge that she was being looked after. Having a night out is refreshing and helps you build up energy for looking after your child.

And also, you received his message in 30 minutes. That's hardly any time at all. Keep putting your phone on silent and help your DH understand that he needs to step up and cope.

woodhill · 20/10/2018 09:56

Fgs your dh could cope. You deserve a break. We used to manage without mobiles

category12 · 20/10/2018 09:56

I wouldn't tell him you've changed those settings.

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/10/2018 09:57

That said, I feel guilty now.

Which is exactly what he was trying to achieve because:

He loves DD but isn't interested in taking care of her on a day to day basis.

He needs to grow the fuck up, accept his responsibilities as a parent and love you enough to appreciate that you have rights too. He probably won't though.

Lucked · 20/10/2018 09:57

30minutes without checking your phone is not a crime for a parent whose child is being minded by the other parent. I do not have access to my phone at all when driving and regularly drive for more than 30 mins.

Asking you to go home was beyond ridiculous and he should be embarrassed.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2018 09:59

So he calls you to say dd is crying every time you go out and wants you to come home? Is he a controlling arsehole on other ways op?

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:01

BitOutOfPractice: yes, I actually have been posting a lot of threads as I struggle with what to do. Blush

He actually normally doesn't call, just sends messages informing me she is crying for me

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:01

And to be fair, I am sure it isn't literally every time.

OP posts:
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 20/10/2018 10:03

What does he say when you ask him why he thinks the rubbish stuff isn't his responsibility? What dies he say when you ask why does it always need to be you?

I've been a single parent for years and it sounds easier than dealing with a useless partner as well as the kids.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/10/2018 10:05

to be honest, I don't think he actually likes parenting. He loves DD but isn't interested in taking care of her on a day to day basis

This is the part where you know he's being U, and this isn't about you or how long it took for you to respond to his calls, it's about his absolute lack of parenting competency and it's not something you or your phone settings can change.

TulipsInBloom1 · 20/10/2018 10:07

He is controlling.

CountessVonBoobs · 20/10/2018 10:07

DH would message me to tell me if one of mine had been vomiting, because he knows I'd want to know. He would also specifically tell me that he has it in hand and I should enjoy my dinner, because he knows I don't get out as much as him as it is and he actually wants me to be happy.

Your DH is an arse.

5SecondsFromWilding · 20/10/2018 10:12

OP, I'm a lone parent and the first anyone knows when DD has a vomiting bug is the next day when I call school to let them know she won't be in and I cancel my plans. It's really basic parenting, caring for a child with a sickness bug. It doesn't require 2 of you. You had 2 hours out. He should be more than capable of allowing you that without demanding you be contactable in case he has to do something more difficult than change a nappy. Your friend is right. Do not allow him to make out that you should have dropped everything and come home.

carr1e1977 · 20/10/2018 10:16

Classic emotional blackmail from your partner.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2018 10:26

Oblada: thanks, I actually have now adjusted my settings and my phone has a similar option

And you do know vomiting will now be an emergency...

staffiegirl · 20/10/2018 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/10/2018 10:39

OP you have gained some insight into your DH on this thread, I'm sorry.
PPs who are constantly checking phones; how do you manage at work? Genuine question. I work in an environment where having phones on is unacceptable.

AnoukSpirit · 20/10/2018 10:41

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're just describing control tactics.