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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my phone settings are my own business?

122 replies

dellacucina · 20/10/2018 01:36

Tonight I was out for a rare dinner with a friend.

DH called during dinner because DD was vomiting and he felt I needed to come take care of her. I normally have all sounds off. I was in the middle of dinner and didn't see the message for about 30 minutes (unusual for me). My friend asked why he could not take care of his own daughter and encouraged me to pay our bill and finish our meal before responding (about 10 minutes more max).

When I got home DH gave me a bollocking for not having my ringer on. I told him that this generally works well and I would not have heard the ring anyway in the restaurant.

I normally check my phone obsessively. (For his part DH has a habit of leaving his phone in his jacket and becoming uncontactable for a long time).

AIBU to leave sounds off my phone?

NB: I have brought this up as a side point in a separate thread

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 20/10/2018 10:42

< wonders how us parents managed before mobile phones >

Missingstreetlife · 20/10/2018 10:45

Even non resident parents manage on their eow. Resident parent might be 100 miles away, or abroad.
Don't know why you pander to this rubbish

maras2 · 20/10/2018 10:49

robojesus I've never heard such nonsense.
How on earth did my kids make it into their 30's and 40's untraumatised and in good health ? Confused
We were not even 'on the phone' (have a landline) and mobiles were the work of Science Fiction.
dellacucina, I hope that your child is ok today but you really must have a word with your DH, who seems to be a poor excuse for a father, as I'm sure that this sort of behaviour is just the tip of the iceburg.
Best wishes Flowers

MrsSchadenfreude · 20/10/2018 11:06

RoboJesus I used to travel overseas a lot for work when my DDs were small (first trip was when DD1 was 16 weeks old). DH was perfectly capable of dealing with them in the evening, and at weekends, and we had a wonderful nanny during the week. You are talking nonsense. The OP's DH should have been able to cope with a bit of sick and calm his DD - he is a parent after all. It shouldn't just fall to the mother.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/10/2018 11:11

dellacucina

I’m not aware of having read your other threads, but given what you’ve now said on this thread, I’d leave him.

It’s FAR easier to be a single parent, than to live the way you are. It’s far nicer too, much less stressful.

That aside, you need to do it for your DD. She needs to live in a happy home, feeling loved, not with man who can’t be bothered with her. No matter how much you think you can shield her from his attitude, you really can’t.

sleepymouse · 20/10/2018 11:19

YANBU, a father should be just as capable caring for their child as a mother if the child is I'll, dad's should not just be there for the fun times.
If my DC were with a babysitter I would have my phone to hand and check it regularly, but if I leave them with their father I relax and wouldn't see any need to check my phone.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 11:22

AnnieAnoniMouse: is this definitely damaging though? He obviously loves her.

I am often surprised by him, though. As an example, I got her ready for bed and read her stories for something like 3 days in a row. He was home and available the 4th day and I asked if he wanted to read her stories. (I was already handling the really tiresome fight of bathtime and toothbrushing). He said the au pair could do it (!) When I said the point was for him to spend time with her, he said he was tired. Confused (I ended up reading her the stories, and we had a lovely time)

Am I correct that this is unreasonable behaviour? It seems so to me. Do you think that it would be obvious to DD that he chose not to spend time with her?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2018 11:31

Sorry OP I hadn't realised that you'd been having more problems with him. He doesn't sound great to me to be honest

LIZS · 20/10/2018 11:33

She will remember that he didn't. She asks for you because he is not part of her daily routine. He has to want to change that. Does he exclusively do anything with her?

YouTheCat · 20/10/2018 11:41

I used to have one of these types.

If I went out to my friend's (rarely went out out anyway), he'd call within an hour and say the kids needed something. Or he'd not know where the calpol was or some other such idiocy. He was a twat in so many ways.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/10/2018 11:44

On the very rare occasion I got to go out

My xdh cancelled the table secretly before I got there
Other times he would make sure he was always home late

I ended up never going out

ExFury · 20/10/2018 11:47

Sounds like your DH has checked out of parenting.

And to be fair, I am sure it isn't literally every time

I’d bet if you sat and thought about it then it’s likely literally everything you are doing something nice it enjoyable.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 11:48

Guiltypleasures001, my DH would never do that. That sounds next level to me.

OP posts:
deathisforever · 20/10/2018 11:50

Well I have a DD who's 3 months old and I NEVER have my phone on loud, I find it completely annoying and unnecessary (for me). That must make me a bad parent according to some PP.

Yes, I do have my phone in hand almost always but if dad can't take care of a poorly DD whilst mum is out for a dinner, it's a bit poor!

LannieDuck · 20/10/2018 12:00

You need to have a proper, calm conversation about this. Ask him if he'll be happy for you to call him next time DD is vomiting? Ask him if he'll drop whatever he's doing (work, hobby, evening out) and come home immediately?

If the answer is 'no', he needs to consider why he expects something of you that he's not willing to do himself.

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/10/2018 12:04

You say he loves her OP and I assume you'd say he loves you too. What do you think love means though? Love to me means caring, making sacrifices because you want to and not because you're forced to, putting the person you love before yourself, at the very least putting their needs before your own wants. You may like to think he loves her but he's not showing that in his actions, nor is he demonstrating love for you.

His controlling personality is also a massive issue. He will wear you down progressively over time. Intent or awareness on his part is irrelevant - most controllers don't realise or believe they're controlling. That doesn't diminish the damage done to their victims.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 12:09

ExFury: I have just searched old messages and put some thought into it.

When my mother came to visit from abroad, he sent me a message saying she was crying for me when we went out to see Hamilton and left her with him.

A few days before DM left, he agreed to watch DD so we could go have lunch and go shopping. That morning he claimed to be too sick to watch her. She threw an enormous temper tantrum at lunch

When I met a pregnant friend for high tea in the last month of her pregnancy, he angled for me to do it in the week (rather than the weekend) and then made it impossible for me to do work beforehand. Then after the tea, he said HE had to work - so I looked quite bad and was stressed.

Last night I was actually late for my dinner because he got a last minute work call he just had to take.

He was nice when I went to a hen do on a recent Saturday, but then freaked out when I mentioned going to a yoga class on Sunday evening (this would be a 1.5 hour commitment) because he had been made to watch her so much recently.

It really does seem like I get it most of the time when I go out.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 12:14

TooTrueToBeGood

I have often thought about this recently - what does it mean to love someone? He doesn't show the sort of loving behaviours I would hope for.

OP posts:
HenryInTheTunnel · 20/10/2018 12:15

Sounds to me like you need to increase the time he has sole care of your DD. I'd almost be doing a phone triage on any communication while i was out and I wouldn't be changing my plans just for emotional blackmail. If your DD does not need to be seen by a medical professional then i would expect her father to be able to take care of her.

ExFury · 20/10/2018 12:17

It really does seem like I get it most of the time when I go out.

I’m not surprised at all. My first husband was like this.

He’d say “I don’t call you home every time!” and it was a friend who pointed out that he coped when I was at the supermarket, dump, caring for his elderly relative or working, but he miraculously struggled when I was out for a drink, swimming or meeting friends. Coincidentally...

Iaimtomisbehave1 · 20/10/2018 12:19

You don't need to ask permission to go out. She's his kid. Looking after her is his job. You do it most often so when he's home, you are allowed to go out. It's not babysitting or "being made to watch her". He's a parent. That's his job.

I think you need to have a serious talk.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 12:25

The best part about DM's visit was that we went on a long weekend and took DD with us. When I asked DH if I could sleep in on a certain day or to help out with something extra in the following week, he resisted. When I pointed out that he had the entire preceding weekend to sleep or do whatever so maybe he could give me a break, he protested, "but you didn't do that for my benefit, and I had trouble sleeping anyway!"

OP posts:
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 20/10/2018 12:30

The more you say about his attitude and his comments, the more he seems like a selfish manchild who doesn't actually care about you, your wellbeing or your happiness.

At least I know everything is down to me as a line parent. I don't have to wake up everyday and face the realisation over and over that I'm in a marriage but parenting along, because that's what your life sounds like. You expect a team, you plan your activities with the idea that you've got a team mate, then you realise that no, you're on your own coz he doesn't want too be involved in the raising of your child.

Iaimtomisbehave1 · 20/10/2018 12:31

*lone
*to not too

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 20/10/2018 12:39

So, he's nearly at his intended goal, which is to make it too much hassle for you to go out at all.

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