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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my phone settings are my own business?

122 replies

dellacucina · 20/10/2018 01:36

Tonight I was out for a rare dinner with a friend.

DH called during dinner because DD was vomiting and he felt I needed to come take care of her. I normally have all sounds off. I was in the middle of dinner and didn't see the message for about 30 minutes (unusual for me). My friend asked why he could not take care of his own daughter and encouraged me to pay our bill and finish our meal before responding (about 10 minutes more max).

When I got home DH gave me a bollocking for not having my ringer on. I told him that this generally works well and I would not have heard the ring anyway in the restaurant.

I normally check my phone obsessively. (For his part DH has a habit of leaving his phone in his jacket and becoming uncontactable for a long time).

AIBU to leave sounds off my phone?

NB: I have brought this up as a side point in a separate thread

OP posts:
vinegarqueen · 20/10/2018 05:44

There is no need to feel guilty unless you'd have demanded that your DH instantly dropped everything to come home for (from the information available) normal childhood illness. Or would he expect you to look after her on your own? Your DH should be able to handle it as a responsible co-parent.

@robojesus Actively guilting the OP with doom-laden messages is a bit low, isn't it? Nothing in the OP suggests her daughter had to go to hospital afterwards and presumably if the DH had thought she needed to go he'd have said so.

RoboJesus · 20/10/2018 05:51

@vinegarqueen not what I said at all... As a parent you have to be there on call for your child 24/7 even if it's just a reassuring phone call when they are sick or scared. That is just a fact. Your kids don't stop needing you or loving you because your out for the night.

Tilapia · 20/10/2018 05:56

YANBU. DH should have been able to cope on his own. Would he have come rushing home if it was the other way around?

JustARandomBloke · 20/10/2018 06:00

If you are a fairy or a witch with magic healing powers then YABU. if you're just a normal mum them YANBU.

@RoboJesus, shhhhh! A parent went out for 2 hours and switched off. It's a good thing. Don't try to make it a bad thing. Just keep your nonsense talk to yourself. OP's DH has already ensured she has heard enough sanctimonious bollocks.

Secretsquirrel252 · 20/10/2018 06:02

As a parent you have to be there on call for your child 24/7

The child had a parent there.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 06:07

@RoboJesus not what I said at all... As a parent you have to be there on call for your child 24/7 even if it's just a reassuring phone call when they are sick or scared. That is just a fact. Your kids don't stop needing you or loving you because your out for the night.

You sound like a martyr not a parent! Are you never going to be more than half an hour away from your children......just in case?

The child was with their parent and I married someone who is 100% as good and able to parent as well as I do. It would be insulting to him to suggest I need to come home because he can't deal with a sick child even if that child attends hospital. I'm not talking about days without contact but going away, flying and having phone switched off etc. Assessing if you need to return, not assuming you have to return.

On this occasion OP you had no need to return with any great speed. DC was with their. Father not the local drugs dealer.

I'd be irritated with him for making a fuss when not necessary.

civicxx · 20/10/2018 06:09

Even at the age of 2, you should be able to go out for 2 hours. I work 12 hour shifts in an environment that I can't have my phone, I get 3 breaks but means I can't be contacted for 9 & a half hours 3-5 days a week unless it's a full blown emergency then I can be tannoyed to reception, this would only happen if a) daughter/partner was admitted into hospital b) school incident where DD needed collecting & they had rang the entire 5 people on her list & none had answered!

Hope you DD is ok! & I think your DH owes you a proper evening out! one with wine & a taxi ride home!

bubbles108 · 20/10/2018 06:10

How is a vomiting child an emergency ?

Did the child need to go to A&E?

If so - it WAS an emergency and you would have met your Husband there, at the hospital

If the child had a tummy bug, it was NOT an emergency and your H or any adult could deal with the situation

What is the matter with your husband and why does he need to dump HIS inadequacies onto you?

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/10/2018 06:15

YANBU
I really don't understand why you DH called to let you know DC had been sick. Would you have disrupted his meal out with this information? I wouldn't as it would have upset my partner's nice and I'm sure well deserved evening out.
I wouldn't dream of checking phone during a meal or having it ring in a restaurant for that matter; that's just bad manners. There might be a reason eg leaving a sick child with a babysitter where one would discreetly check phone between courses or whatever but you had left your DC with their parent.
Mobiles have only been around for a few years ; instant contact isn't essential.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 20/10/2018 06:20

I don't think he should have rang you to ask you to go back but I couldn't personally relax if my husband had no way of contacting me. I work hut if one of my toddlers gets a temp or vomits my husband would call my work just to update me. I work in medicine though and have seen how quickly illnesses escalate with children and always want to know what's going on.

olympicsrock · 20/10/2018 06:22

What bollocks to say that you should be available 24/7 when you have children. My jobs mean that I am frequently uncontactable and unable to stop what I am doing. I have always left my ds aged 3 and 6 with dh or a nanny in the knowledge that they are competent to deal with any problem that may arise.

vinegarqueen · 20/10/2018 06:43

@robojesus I'll totally admit that ”guilting the OP” isn't what you meant and I was drawing my personal conclusions - but you definitely asked what if her DC had needed to go to hospital or had run out of medicine. Then the OP said she now felt guilty.

You have a different parenting style, which is fine, but I don't think that makes the OP going out and leaving her child with the other responsible parent a failure of some parenting contract. Extrapolating from the OP again, her DH is often uncontactable so presumably he is fine to just switch off rather than being available 24/7.

UsedToLoveMorrissey · 20/10/2018 06:46

He sounds a bit controlling, OP. it might be less to do with your DH not being able go cope with vomit/crying and more with not happy that are you going out. hes trying to guilt you, you day he often texts you when your out to let you know your DS is crying for you. hes trying to guilt you to the point where you ll eventually not bother going out because its not worth the hassle.

he gave you a bollocking? for not answering yiur phone the minute he called? that alone speaks volumes! Im sorry OP but his behaviour was really out of order.

MartyMcFly1984 · 20/10/2018 07:00

My 1yr old got a vomiting bug when I was on night shift. His dad coped. I’m aware some people struggle with poorly kids or vomit etc, and if this is the case for your DH then maybe he should show equal consideration of you in this situation and keep his phone on too.

Moreisnnogedag · 20/10/2018 07:00

OhEctoplasmOnIt your DH calls your work?! Or just sends you a message? I cannot imagine my DH ever doing that - he’s a capable grown assed man who knows the difference between a normal sickness and a concerning one. He’d send me a message every now and then but not expect me to answer it until I was free which could be a few hours (work in medicine too).

EK36 · 20/10/2018 07:30

He didnt need to call you. He could have dealt with it himself.

Jaxtellerswife · 20/10/2018 07:35

In theory yanbu. But my daughter is almost 2 and although she loves her dad, if she was ill or distressed he might as well be Fred bloggs up the road.
However not al are the same.

Mammylamb · 20/10/2018 08:34

Mobile phones have only been used by most people for the last 20 years. The human race survived before that without any issues.

Yanbu to enjoy a night out not glued to your phone

EvaHarknessRose · 20/10/2018 09:03

Would you call him in the same circumstances and expect him to be contactable/drop everything? YANBU and your friend has a point. I guess you could have texted soothing noises and ‘we won’t be long’ once you did see the message. But he must know this is part of parenting.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 09:11

EvaHarknessRose: to be honest, I don't think he actually likes parenting. He loves DD but isn't interested in taking care of her on a day to day basis.

I might text him to inform him of the situation so he doesn't go on the piss or something but I would definitely not call

OP posts:
Roo2012 · 20/10/2018 09:19

Congratulations on enjoying the time with your friend and not being obsessed with checking your phone. Your DH should have been able to manage and it would have been considerate of him not to contact you but to make sure he looked after your child so you could enjoy your time out. If he thought you'd want to know, he could have sent a text 'No need to worry or come home, just wanted to let you know...'.

On another thread we'd be reading about an evening out with a friend being ruined because someone was constantly checking their phone.

You were not out of line at all.

Maelstrop · 20/10/2018 09:19

He’s either insecure about looking after her or controlling you and doesn’t like you being out. Which is it?

LIZS · 20/10/2018 09:22

I rarely hear my phone even with ringer on and check messages intermittently when out. Surely he could cope for ab hour or so. Did he not approve of you going out perhaps, and wanted a reason to interrupt.

Sexnotgender · 20/10/2018 09:24

He’s being ridiculous! I think he needs more alone parenting time.

If he was out for dinner and your DD was vomiting would he have rushed home? I bet not.

Mamia15 · 20/10/2018 09:26

I think you have much bigger issues that phone settings.

He sounds like a controlling arse and a crap parent.

Why on earth didn't he deal with DD himself?

Why is it one rule for you and another for him re phone contact?

I wouldn't have any more DC with him.