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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Manspreading he was a CF

92 replies

Soverytired18 · 19/10/2018 21:07

Was on the train earlier and sat down next to a some guy who had his legs and elbows splayed out, I asked him to move them as he was touching me. His response was to tell me if I don’t like it I can move, my response to that was to explain that generally people are fairly more considerate (and he’s obviously entitled tw@t), he then proceeeded to tell me I was crazy. Wtaf? I didn’t want his leg rubbing mine, nor did I want his leg in my space!

Recently, the men I’ve encountered on public transport seem to be particularly boorish and agressive but maybe it’s me?

An example from the other week was one guy kept standing on me and I said you keep standing on my foot please stop, so the fairly young guy next to me proceed to tell me it’s a packed train I’m being unreasonable (there was nowhere for my feet to go as I was sitting down and the guy could have moved elsewhere) and the other guy thanked him. Bless them.

I’m loathe to communicate with anyone on public transport but when I have feet and elbows digging into me fuck that.

Prepared to be told AIBU for ‘complaining’.

OP posts:

HoraceWimpIsThisYourLife · 19/10/2018 21:09

I just womanspread right back at them. I don’t make it look pointed, I do it as naturally as they do. Usually works and makes them feel uncomfortable and squashed.

Yanbu for complaining btw

Bearbehind · 19/10/2018 21:11

I've noticed men literally never give up their seat for people who need it more than them lately.

I've moved for pregnant ladies 3 times in 2 weeks and each time I was surrounded by men who just kept their head down and ignored the women.

GunpowderGelatine · 19/10/2018 21:13

We live in a world of MRAs who think 'equality' means that if they don't get to stand up then neither should pregnant women!

I wish trains had women's only coaches. YANBU, good for you for being brave enough to speak up

tabbycat1234 · 19/10/2018 21:18

I would just leeeeaaan on him subtlety at first then with more of my weight. If he looks at you just look like you don't know what the issue is.

I sometime do this in bed with DH to get him to give me more space!

I have to womanspread due to a bad back I fear being shamed on Twitter! I'm sure I've irritated people in the theatre but I can't help it

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2018 21:19

What an arsehole. You are brave for speaking up.

EyeSaidTheFly · 19/10/2018 21:21

I woman spread all over them but make it seem like I'm just getting comfy. It's really quite effective. YADNBU.

SayNoToCarrots · 19/10/2018 21:22

Don't explain yourself next time. Just stare at him and shout stoptouchingmestoptouchingmestoptouchingme in a shrill voice til he moves.

Original poster

Soverytired18 · 19/10/2018 21:27

Had another one push me for various reasons mostly because I didn’t move when he wanted to me (people in the way I couldn’t move) and when I said wtaf are you doing another random chimed in and started shouting at me, then they both discussing how they had each other’s backs or whatever they were mumbling about. Wtaf?? It was weird. These were two total strangers btw, I have found all week that in the ‘incidents’ the minute I said anything about inconsiderate and aggressive behaviour it was a torrent of verbal abuse and intimidation.

As I said this has been my experience in the last few weeks and I’m thoroughly fucked off at the way people and mostly men yes have been carrying on on public transport. It’s nothing to do with equality but basic manners and civility, and wait for it a non agressive way or resounding to what I deem a perfectly reasonable response their actions.

Again more than happy to be told IABU but i usually stay well out of other people’s way when moving from A - B.

A friend has said I must be triggering these responses. Fair enough I suppose but do I just put up and shut up?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Soverytired18 · 19/10/2018 21:30

I’m getting angry all over again, the incident with the guy pushing me had me shaking and barley coherent and when they both piled in it was horrific. They were nasty in fact. Just so sick of it to be honest.

OP posts:

FunSponges · 19/10/2018 21:33

And funnily enough, I bet men aren't doing it to each other, only women. Clearly our pesky existence is getting in their way again from their Important Man Jobs.

Topseyt · 19/10/2018 21:40

They don't like being challenged. Nothing wrong with challenging this behaviour though, and nothing wrong with giving them a dose of their own medicine.

AssassinatedBeauty · 19/10/2018 21:43

Your "friend" is a charmer, of course you're not triggering these idiots poor behaviour! I hope you told your friend where to get off.

I'm sorry you've had a run of these incidents recently. It's totally shit to realise there are so many men who will just literally tread all over women to do what they want.

Boyskeepswinging · 19/10/2018 21:43

A friend has said I must be triggering these responses. Fair enough I suppose but do I just put up and shut up?!
That's the issue right there isn't it? Women are just expected to meekly move out of the way of men. Good for you for speaking up, I just got sick of it happening every single journey and I lost the will to live. I have given up sitting at a "four" on the train doing battle royal to try to get space for my feet. I now stick to the airline seats where at least my feet are comfy, even if my thigh is in constant danger of manspreading.

Original poster

Soverytired18 · 19/10/2018 21:48

I just couldn’t believe the wading in from other men not even involved in the exchange of unpleasantries. It beggars belief they feel the need to defend indefensible behaviour. If anyone of us barged deliberately into someone it would be mayhem. We wouldn’t do it in the first bloody place though. Ugh, so pissed off as the general lack of basic civility these days. I actually get anxious knowing there are going to be aggression and space invading etc etc not panicky anxious just in the sense that I know if I say anything I am to expect the described response.

OP posts:

Beamur · 19/10/2018 21:49

Sorry for the hassle you had Soverytired
I womanspread back at a bloke recently. This chap came and sat next to and just took up so much room! I'm not a small woman, so just held my space and didn't shift up. Ignored him squishing my arm and leg and just carried on reading my book. Eventually he realised I wasn't going to make myself smaller and shifted over

xandersmom2 · 19/10/2018 21:54

I hear you. I commute into a major city once a week and absolutely dread the train journey home. I'm not a confrontational person, I mind my own business and am polite and respectful to others and really resent when men (my experiences truly have all been men) decide it's ok to act like an arse.

A few weeks ago one guy decided I was in his reserved seat (I wasn't and could prove it but i think he made such a loud stink from the start that he couldn't then back down) and essentially bullied me out of the seat by literally standing right in front of me, leaning on the back of the seat in front, glaring at me. I mean, wtaf? I kept my cool, declared loudly that if it was really so important to him then I'd gladly let him have my seat and left him to sit with all the other tutting folks who had been telling him he was being ridiculous throughout all of this. But it really shook me up and I struggled to mentally let it go for days.

That was the worst example but there have been plenty of others. Shoving roughly past me or others to get on the train first, rude comments cos I stop to help a lady get a pram on board, refusing to stand up and actually let me out of a window seat properly (just kinda half heartedly moving their legs to the side) and so on.

I think I'm getting old, I just don't understand people any more.

Original poster

Soverytired18 · 19/10/2018 22:00

I thought it was just me! I’m not confrontational and I grew up with as many male friends as female ones so having a direct dialogue as I would with anyone female is not a issue as it’s having a conversation with a person I just find that these situations have only involved men and yes it angers me to be treated with such a lack of decency. I just can’t beluve how some of these men have reacted, it’s vicious and so out of proportion to a fairly simple request to behave like decent human being.

OP posts:

Justanotherlurker · 19/10/2018 22:02

Tumblr has progressed to mumsnet, what a world we live in!

Nuance of day to day life is lost, so maybe we should start some twitter hashtag, start a change.org petition?

Not sure, what do you suggest OP

Sophiafaith63 · 19/10/2018 22:04

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. It can be really scary as well when you just make a polite request and get a load of abuse from nowhere.

It happened to me on the bus the other day. I had my youngest in a pushchair and due to a man spreader, I couldn't quite fit the pushchair in the space. I asked him politely if he could move his leg. Then he asked if I was capable of reading the sign which said I was in the disabled priority seat, not the pram priority space. I said as I wasn't stopping a disabled person using the space, I didn't see what the problem was which was when he told me to f off. I asked him not to swear in front of my child and he told me I was getting on his nerves! He spent the rest of the 20 minute bus trip having a go at me and I ended up in tears and gutted that I let it get to me that much. The kicker of it was that when he got off, he also moved a large pile of boxes - that he was blocking the actual wheelchair space with!

It does seem some men react really angrily to polite requests. Its really frighting when you end up in these situations. I don't think its just you by any stretch of the imagination

TemptressofWaikiki · 19/10/2018 22:04

And this is why I have some safety pins on me....

xandersmom2 · 19/10/2018 22:05

I get frustrated with myself because I always think of the perfect response or comeback about a day later too..... I'm very witty, cool and detached with the benefit of about 24 hours' hindsight but in the moment I just turn away or ignore

hannnnnnnxo · 19/10/2018 22:07

To be honest I find women worse than men for this sort of thing. Men have generally moved out of the way for me and stopped man-spreading, women insist of having some sort of battle in MY personal space. EG a woman standing body to body to me when there’s only room for one of us in an attempt to make me move somewhere else, a woman on her phone and then resting/leaning her phone on ME purposely sort of thing (like pushing her hands/phone into my back), hitting me with handbags.

However in situations with either gender I am quite aggressive in return - I don’t give a fuck I will push back in an ‘innocent way’. Such as pushing back whilst innocently staring at my phone; pushing back very hardly on twats during ‘turbulence’ (ie acting like I’m losing my footing and falling onto them, when I’m fine); taking my coat on/off in a prolonged/out stretched way and hitting them in the process; dramatically swinging my large bag on/off (I normally rest it on the floor if it’s standing room only, but if twats insist on hitting me with their 10kg backpack I will return the favour). It’s a dog eat dog world at peak time public transport!

CandleWithHair · 19/10/2018 22:07

i asked a guy to move his legs recently, he refused as he had his rucksack on the floor between them, even when I pointed out it should be in the luggage rack. So I took every opportunity I could to elbow him while reading my book, and then took my sweet, sweet time getting up when we reached our destination (I was blocking him in).

Men do not like being challenged at all on public transport, but I’m not going to stop doing it.

EdisonLightBulb · 19/10/2018 22:08

I also womanspread but I try to keep my legs in symmetry with my hips, even though they are straight it means I rub up against manspreaders. Generally they retract but if they said something I would retaliate that I was only using the space I paid for 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Soverytired18 · 19/10/2018 22:09

I definitely think something needs to be done to raise awareness of covertly intimidating behaviour by men. Years ago it used to be men rubbing themselves up against women in public transport I’ve had my fair share and now I always put my bag between myself and any man or if I have a backpack use that as a barrier (yes it makes me look like a cf but I’ve had enough bad experiences with perverts to not care anymore)

There are campaigns not to eat food that smells so why not one to stay the fuck in your own space! Obviously a far more, please respect others personals spaces sort of tone

OP posts:

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