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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a guy I've been chatting to online dating who lives an hour away and asks me out on a date should sugget a pub near me rather than

118 replies

Datingdilemashmm · 19/10/2018 20:35

As title says I've been chatting to a guy online who asked me out and then said "how about we meet in x town as its roughly half way". I know I know, gender equality.. why should he drive to me but is chivalry /etiquette totally dead?! Hes an hour away and has suggested somewhere half way. I sort of would like a guy to offer to come my way and I choose a local pub. If he did offer / suggest I'd then say oh thank you, thats thoughtful but I dont mind meeting half way... I mean I'd at least like him to offer!

Or if i accepted then of course on Date two I'd then offer to go to his town.

I totally get equality etc and why should he come to me just cos hes the guy!.. but I just think on a first date a guy should be a gentleman and offer? What are your thoughts?

He seems a nice guy and im tempted to agree to his half way offer altho im disapointed!

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 20/10/2018 06:19

Lol at passive agressive suggestions!!

Perhaps some of the replies to you are PA because your reaction to his date request is so Princessy?

Say no to him and help him dodge a bullet

BarbarianMum · 20/10/2018 06:26

You "understand about equality" but you dont want it when it doesnt work in your favour. Right-o. Why not tell him you'll sleep with him if he comes to your town and buys you dinner, then you'll both know how this relationship's going to work.

nannybeach · 20/10/2018 06:45

Half way sounds great

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/10/2018 06:46

I'm all for gentlemanly behaviour but expecting him to drive all the way to you is utter madness, and frankly, sounds more than a little precious.

I also don't see the problem with how he asked you out - how would you have preferred he worded it? (That's a genuine question)

daisychain01 · 20/10/2018 08:24

By the way OP, completely counter to the MN Policy and Guidelines on OLD, DH paid for my food and drink 100% and when I ordered my veggie meal he said "I'll have what the lady is having". So despite not offering to charge 120 miles along the motorway to my local area, he certainly redeemed himself, if that is the measure of his Gentlemanliness Smile

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt, your journey would surely be less that 15 miles if it's 30 mins away. Hardly the ends of the universe.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 20/10/2018 08:26

I'd say halfway is fine but of you have children he should be willing to travel to your local area.

BatsAreCool · 20/10/2018 08:28

I expect half way on the first date and I also expect to pay half. And no OP, my DH didn't propose, we actually had a sensible discussion about whether we would both like to get married.

daisychain01 · 20/10/2018 08:29

Maybe he has DC, have you thought of that?

Ignoramusgiganticus · 20/10/2018 08:33

I'm sort of with you but don't write him off just yet. He might be perfect and want a perfectly equal relationship just would have been nice to offer

Original poster
Datingdilemashmm · 20/10/2018 08:35

In response .. he didnt actially ask me out. We emailed OLD then swapped numbers. Asking someone out is when you say "would you like to meet up for a drink?" Minor point. I then say yes! He then says "where would you like to meet? I can come your way if you know somewhere nice or we could meet half way sonewhere".

Never mind Im giving him a chance anx meeting him half way monday!!

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 20/10/2018 08:38

If he suggested your town you might think he was planning to miss his train home or drink too much to drive home.

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/10/2018 08:39

There's a problem with the old-fashioned chivalrous and gentlemanly mindset that you're hankering for. It's fundamentally underpinned by the attitude that men are superior to women. If you do find a man that thinks he should do all the running, travel to you, offer to pay etc you are also likely to have found a man who expects you to be "the little woman". If the relationship becomes serious he will no doubt expect to have the final say in any decisions, for his career to take priority over yours and for you to do all the housework.

Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 08:44

I think half way is reasonable and sensible. He might not have wanted to suggest somewhere very close to you in case it came across as him maybe expecting to pop in “for coffee” afterwards. This way, there is no chance that you would feel any obligation.

I think you are being harsh and maybe should not go if you are already criticising him for this.

HenryInTheTunnel · 20/10/2018 08:44

I think you're being unreasonable. If this is your first date then there's time for 'chivalry' once you decide that you're actually interested in eachother.

Halfway is fine, as others have said he may not want to creep you out by being over the top. This is a neutral location.

The way he asked you out is also fine for the same reasons. Mumsnet will tell you that someone who is really overblown and romantic before they even know you is more than likely trying to manipulate you and probably best avoided.

Nanna50 · 20/10/2018 08:48

I think you're way over thinking this for a first meet up. Half way is perfect, there's nothing wrong with the way he asked you, it's a meet up, a chance to see if there is any interest from either side.

There's no pressure thinking is he expecting to be invited back, there's less chance of him turning up in your local pub when you've decided he's a definite no go.

Just make sure you have your safety in mind, although he should too because you sound like hard work. If you want to wait for someone to say they will come to you, then just say no to this one.

TaxCredits · 20/10/2018 08:56

As a man, it would depend on the situation. Do you for instance have kids? Then I would take the day off, offer to come to your town during school hours etc to save you hassle etc.

If you didn’t have responsibilities, then I would prefer a half way meet unless there was another good reason not to (disability etc).

For a man, dating is usually much more expensive than women (no matter how many people say everyone goes Dutch these days, I have never experienced this - at best I have had a fake reach!). As someone said most dates are one offs.

It’s a nice gesture on your part to do so and believe me it’ll be much appreciated if you do so, regardless of whether you see each other again.

ManILurveCake · 20/10/2018 09:00

I just asked my DH opinion as I was interested in his POV & he said he would suggest meeting somewhere public near your house to ensure you felt safe in familiar surroundings.

He is only 43 but has quite a traditional outlook but in todays day in age its all about equality so many might say half way is fair. However if before your first date he is not showing chivalrous behaviour that you would like then maybe he's not the guy for you.

MsMaestro · 20/10/2018 09:00

Halfway is good as it means you're on neutral territory and you have can have an easy get out clause as you need to get back by a certain time etc.

Also, less pressure for both, as you can see it as a casual drink, not a "date" as such.

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2018 09:08

I totally get equality etc and why should he come to me just cos hes the guy!.. but I just think on a first date a guy should be a gentleman and offer? What are your thoughts?

You do see that your two sentences there are totally opposed to each other? How on earth can you "totally get" equality if you also hold the view that as a woman you should be treated differently to the man?

Madness.

I suspect it won't work out between you because he'll have a different attitude to life. So it probably doesn't matter where you meet, tbh!

searose · 20/10/2018 09:09

Halfway is always safer he does not get to know where you live and you are not likely to be seen by people you know when you are out.

iliketomoveitmoveitMOVEIT · 20/10/2018 09:17

If it’s a problem now, what’s it going to be like if you start seeing him? Constant bone of contention!

Notquiteagandt · 20/10/2018 09:53

Surely people dont invest too much more than coffee or quick drink for first meet up. Times precious you dont know youll like them. Srcond dates one to go all out once youve established a spark.

searose · 20/10/2018 10:18

We met for coffee in the morning and we were enjoying ourselves so much we went for a short drive to the sea. we watched the sun go down and went for dinner and then a final drink and said goodnight at 10.30pm you never know how a first meeting will go. That was 7 years ago and we have been married for 4 of them . I hope it works out for you.

ElectricMonkey · 20/10/2018 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrFoxtrot · 20/10/2018 14:44

Halfway is perfectly acceptable. When I was OLD I preferred halfway or even nearer to them, so I'd feel comfortable with getting away if I didn't like them. If they didn't come to my town, they hadn't encroached on my area Grin.

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