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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a guy I've been chatting to online dating who lives an hour away and asks me out on a date should sugget a pub near me rather than

118 replies

Datingdilemashmm · 19/10/2018 20:35

As title says I've been chatting to a guy online who asked me out and then said "how about we meet in x town as its roughly half way". I know I know, gender equality.. why should he drive to me but is chivalry /etiquette totally dead?! Hes an hour away and has suggested somewhere half way. I sort of would like a guy to offer to come my way and I choose a local pub. If he did offer / suggest I'd then say oh thank you, thats thoughtful but I dont mind meeting half way... I mean I'd at least like him to offer!

Or if i accepted then of course on Date two I'd then offer to go to his town.

I totally get equality etc and why should he come to me just cos hes the guy!.. but I just think on a first date a guy should be a gentleman and offer? What are your thoughts?

He seems a nice guy and im tempted to agree to his half way offer altho im disapointed!

OP posts:
Dontfeellikeaskeleton · 19/10/2018 20:58

Yes halfway, but what happens if there's nothing halfway?

I e. He lives in a city, you in the sticks and nothing but fields in between?

newmumwithquestions · 19/10/2018 20:59

YABVU

DitheringBlidiot · 19/10/2018 20:59

Bloke sounds like he can’t win. If I was meeting someone for the first time I think half way would be ideal, that way if it’s a terrible date you can claim you’ve got a good drive home, but a 30 min drive per person seems fair to me

ShadyLady53 · 19/10/2018 21:03

I can also recall seeing a thread on here where a woman was panicking because the guy wanted to come to her hometown for the first date. Most people thought it was because he was expecting sex and in the end she called it off as she was creeped out.

Thenewdoctor · 19/10/2018 21:04

Half way sounds fair to me

Glumglowworm · 19/10/2018 21:06

YABU

halfway is totally reasonable.

I really don’t understand the passive aggressive “I want him to say he’ll come to me so I can say oh no we’ll meet halfway” crap. I think it’s quite manipulative, but then I’m crap at that sort of game playing.

Be straightforward! Say what you mean and don’t expect other people to second guess you.

thisneverendingsummer · 19/10/2018 21:07

WTF? Of course YABU. Why should he come to you just coz you're a woman?!

How bizarre!

RebelWitchFace · 19/10/2018 21:08

So toy wanted romance,special and can't wait to meet you's. That's totally fair enough,but nothing to do with his choice of location.

Original poster
Datingdilemashmm · 19/10/2018 21:10

Lol at passive agressive suggestions!! Hardly! Its called chivalry! I guess its dead! Like you know.. a gentleman offers to come to near you, offers etc.. you dont take the piss and accept every time but its noce for a gentleman to offer! First date he asks so he should offer but then he didnt really ask properly... of course second date id then offer to go to near him.

How many of the negative posters proposed to their oh's or "expected" them to propose... just sayin!! Lol!

OP posts:
Happyinheels · 19/10/2018 21:10

I get why you might want a bit of a chivalrous gesture in him offering to meet closer to yours. However in reality online dating is tricky! The reality is, why should he travel closer to you? Meeting halfway is fair. I had a date with a guy who lived an hour away from me. I totally expected to meet halfway and as it happened he offered and travelled to a few minutes from my house! Yes chivalrous but I felt beholden then and uneasy because he was in my ‘territory.’
Good luck and let us know the outcome!

charleypops · 19/10/2018 21:11

He might be horrible, would you really want to be seen in your home town with him before you've checked him over? I'd prefer to meet half way.

SoupDragon · 19/10/2018 21:12

I totally get equality etc and why should he come to me just cos hes the guy!.. but I just think on a first date a guy should be a gentleman and offer? What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are that you don't "get" equality at all. 😂😂

ChunkyNotSoKitKat · 19/10/2018 21:15

If I was him and knew you thought like that I wouldn't bother at all

Thenewdoctor · 19/10/2018 21:15

I never expected a bloke to propose. And I’d say no anyway because I never want to be married again.

Half way is sensible in case it’s a disaster.

Laiste · 19/10/2018 21:16

If it was me i would not be prepared to drive for much more than about 45/50 mins for a first date. If half way was more than that and the bloke wouldn't 'close the gap' by coming further my way than his then the date wouldn't happen.

30 min drive? Wouldn't bother me at all. I have to do that to get to Tesco here!

Gabilan · 19/10/2018 21:16

I totally get equality etc and why should he come to me just cos hes the guy!.. but I just think on a first date a guy should be a gentleman and offer? What are your thoughts?

If you're still hung up on chivalry, and you are, you don't really get equality.

And like others, I would prefer not to meet in my home town. It's small and I would run the risk of some nutter off the internet being able to work out where I live. Meet half way, neutral territory, decide if you want to go on a proper date.

I mean if you want chivalry and want to be treated like a little woman, that's up to you. But this guy is currently offering something much more equal, and it doesn't sound like it's for you.

AlphaBravo · 19/10/2018 21:18

Christ... he asked you for a casual drink OP, he wasn't proposing Hmm Does it really matter how he asked? Are you always hard work?

MaisyPops · 19/10/2018 21:20

If you're still hung up on chivalry, and you are, you don't really get equality
This. ^^

And it's nothing like proposing.

SunnyCoco · 19/10/2018 21:21

YABU in my opinion

I agree with those who say that in the world of online dating, it would be seen as much safer to meet on ‘neutral’ ground ie halfway.

For your own protection. He is essentially a stranger, you really want him to come to Your local the first time you meet him?

theworldistoosmall · 19/10/2018 21:21

Halfway. He's not a mind reader to know you would suggest meeting half way. He's probably got burned a lot in the past suggesting meeting closer hoping they would suggest half way.
I always suggest halfway, and I always offer to go halves on whatever we are doing. Why should the guy have to pay for everything? Most of the guys refuse btw.

MissConductUS · 19/10/2018 21:21

i think it stemed from the way he asked me out tbh... a bit half hearted but maybe im being harsh i dont know..

I think men try to sound casual and nonchalant when asking a woman out because it softens the blow when they're rejected. He asked you out. Go with it.

When I dated DH we lived about 45 minutes apart. It was a pain in the arse but we made it work. And our first date wound up at his flat, if you know what I mean, so I'm glad I made the trip. Grin

ilovesooty · 19/10/2018 21:22

I don't see anything wrong with the way he suggested a date either.

CookPassBabtridge · 19/10/2018 21:42

He was thoughtful to suggest halfway and the way he asked was normal. I don't think you are very into him.

Allthewaves · 19/10/2018 21:50

Crikey u have only been chatting online. Half way is perfectly normal. Do g can be expensive tbh. One of my males friends has put dating on hold as he said he can't afford to constantly be buying drinks and paying for taxis etc - he's lovely so guess g he feels pressured into paying

Ellisandra · 19/10/2018 21:51

No, you really don’t get equality Smile

Have you been OLD long?
There isn’t really a who asks who side to it. You’ve both already thrown your hat in the ring by registering, let alone messaging!

Most dates on OLD are one offs, I would think. So if you’re the man, that would be a fuck of a lot of long trips, potentially. Totally unfair. It’s all very well you saying a second date you’d travel - but a lot of the time, there’s no second date.

Also, I’m guessing you expect “chivalry” to extend to him paying? Even if you say you don’t, there’s plenty do. Under the guise of “its nice”. Yet, never nice for them to be nice it seems... so now the poor OLD guys are stiffed with more travelling AND more paying.

And as others have said - some women would interpret the man suggesting he come to them as lining up the possibility of sex.

Give him a bloody break! Don’t see what was wrong with how he asked, either!

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