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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother anyone else?

82 replies

cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:44

I really can't tell if iam being unreasonable in thinking this? So be honest i am aware imight be biased.
My DD is 18 and just started uni..living in halls with 4 others in her flat. She really gets on great with 2 of the boys and has tried and tried to befriend the only other girl in the flat but to no avail. The other girl "Clare" has latched on to a girl in the flat above and now pretty much ignores the others in her flat except for one boy who has joined her little group of her him and flat above girl.
Just for background..DD overheard Clare telling flat above girl that herand the boy have a secret throwing up sound they make that the other three dont know what it means....i don't know either but it sounds a bit weird.

Anyway to the point.. Clare keeps washing all the dishes.. constantly. If DD so much as uses a plate and knife and then leaves in for 10 mins she comes back and it's washed. Apparently not washed properly and not put back in correct draw but washed.
DD and 2 boys have asked her repeatedly not Todo this..say they will wash their own dishes. But she just ignores them. One boy even left a post note on his dishes to say not to wash them he would be back in an HR. They have walked into kitchen whilst she is mid wash and asked her to stop but she says no and carries on.
The kitchen is clean..I have seen it's not that they would leavedishes to go mouldy..they just might want to wash them at a more convenient time... shall they just let her get on with it..even though they do t like it? It doesn't seem like she will stop unless they wash everything straight away..which is surely unrealistic for student? Clare also asked the boyshe is friends with in flat to call aflat meeting and basically berate the others for all the work Clare does and how they need to step up...whilst Clare just sat there. The other three are confused by this and just want to get on with uni life without petty kitchen stuff. One boy said he feels on edge even using the kitchen. Just for more background DD suffers with anxiety and that's why I dont know if she is over reacting being bothered by this? It can be hard for me to be objective.
To advice I gave her is to ignore and just be as nice as possible to Clare and just get on with uni Life.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 19/10/2018 13:47

Regarding the washing up, they really should wash it as soon as they’ve finished it in a shared house.

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:47

They also walked into kitchen one night to her scrubbing it at 11pm? DD doesn't know why..as it was clean already..she said it's stinks of bleach constantly

OP posts:
Sammymommy · 19/10/2018 13:49

You're living with them? You're a bit over invested...

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:49

It's not messy washing though..a plate that had a sandwich on and a butter knife and glass can surely be left next to sink for a bit?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 19/10/2018 13:50

It sounds to me like the girl has OCD and compulsively cleans. Telling her to stop will have no effect at all except to increase her anxiety.

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:50

Not over invested just curious..

OP posts:
lljkk · 19/10/2018 13:50

Sounds like Clare has OCD. That kind of thing gets worse when stressed out (starting Uni can be stressful). You yourself have a DD who is prone to anxiety.

Yes people are weird.

lastqueenofscotland · 19/10/2018 13:51

Shared houses are different though, if five people are leaving a glass, a plate and a knife it turns into a complete shed really quickly. With Claire on that.

Sammymommy · 19/10/2018 13:51

But yeah, they shoild wash their dishes straight away, it's gross to leave it when in a houseshare makes secret vomit noise

LMW1990 · 19/10/2018 13:51

Is it possible 'Clare' has anxieties of her own surrounding cleanliness?

beccii161016 · 19/10/2018 13:55

I know some people would see it as petty but I lived with 2 girls like this at university and it was horrible. I also have anxiety and, along with admittedly a few other factors, it really sent my MH to one of the worst places it's ever been so I totally understand where your daughter is coming from. I think the main reason being that, you're living away from home and this place you're living is the only place you have as your sort of "safe space" and it's horrible when it isn't somewhere you can relax.

To be honest I'm unsure of how to help with regards to moving forward as I never solved the issue. It ended up with me quitting uni after a year for the sake of my mental health.

The fact that she's washing them wouldn't be an issue really (although annoying) if she wasn't moaning about it despite being told she doesn't need to do it. Have your daughter and her friends tried explaining to her that they don't expect her to wash their dishes, they are more than happy to do it? Or asking her why she feels the need to do it immediately even though the others will do it? It could be that she's just horrible, like my ex flat mates or it could be that maybe she has an underlying MH issue that means she has a compulsion to clean and cannot stand the mess? It's a very difficult situation. The only thing I can suggest is for your daughter and her friends to try and speak to "Clare" to reassure her that they do not expect her to clean up after them. That they are grateful that she does it but that it is unnecessary as they would never leave it undone and ask why it bothers her and why she has to do it immediately. It may be that they can just have a chat and resolve the issue or it may be that she can't be reasoned with. I think having the above conversation is what will help to determine that.

You are not BU Smile

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:55

I think Clare might have anxiety with cleaning...but then does she belong in student digs? I have never seen a clean student house yet.. these kids want to be clean though...they just don't get a chance to.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 19/10/2018 13:55

It does sound like Clare has OCD, in all honesty having lived in halls and student houses, the 'I'll just leave it by the sink for an hour' quickly escalates until you've got bin Jenga going on and people are eating straight out of saucepans because there are no clean plates. So washing up straight away isn't unreasonable (after you've eaten of course). If it's just a sandwich plate and cup and she's really in that much of a rush, maybe DD leaves it in her room until she gets back and washes it

MrsStrowman · 19/10/2018 13:57

Also you are definitely over invested, you don't live there. Later years will be better as DD will choose who she lives with rather than random halls accommodation

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 14:00

Thanks Becci that exactly it..it's the fact she moans to other people about it and basically tries to say DD and others are slobs..which is not true at all...and yes that's exactly my worry..dds mental health..it might sound a petty issue but DD can build these things up in her head till it really causes massive anxiety..going to uni was big step for asshe has made great progress this last yr.. she barely left the house one point and cbt has helped her greatly.

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 19/10/2018 14:00

Of course someone who may have anxiety or ocd should be in student digs what a stupid thing to say!

The other flatmates sound dirty and disrespectful. Clean your damn dishes as soon as you're finished then no ones got a problem.

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 14:01

Go into any student flat and I bet you 99 percent are not washing dishes straight away

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 19/10/2018 14:01

Clare likes to play the martyr. That’s what she’s doing. She revels in being able to tell everyone who will listen that her flat mates are pigs and that she always has to wash their dishes because they never do it. It’s because she has no personality so she has to create one. I’d leave her to crack on. She’s enjoying the attention for it. When the attention stops, she’ll get bored and stop doing it.

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2018 14:03

It sounds like Clare might have OCD or at least anxieties about cleanliness. When you live with other people you can’t control the mess and if you have high standards that can be quite stressful.

As for not really clicking with the others, unfortunately that’s just one of those things. You can’t force her to be friends.

Whatever happens your DD needs to handle this her way as she’s an adult at uni now and this is all part of the shared housing experience.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2018 14:06

I think Clare might have anxiety with cleaning...but then does she belong in student digs?

Yes, how dare she want a normal student experience ;)

Sammymommy · 19/10/2018 14:11

IStandWithPosie What has popr Clare done to you? Did she buy the last cupcake? I am sure that she has a personality. She just doesn't like filth

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 14:11

She isn't having a normal experience though...normal would a mess lol

OP posts:
Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 14:12

It's not filth though..I really can't stress this enough..

OP posts:
Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 14:14

If my child had OCD then I wouldn't put them in student halls no.. surely that would just make them I'll and stress them out.

OP posts:
Sammymommy · 19/10/2018 14:14

Seriously cabbage, you are overinvested... it's weird. Let's you grown up daughter deal with that.

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