Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother anyone else?

82 replies

cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:44

I really can't tell if iam being unreasonable in thinking this? So be honest i am aware imight be biased.
My DD is 18 and just started uni..living in halls with 4 others in her flat. She really gets on great with 2 of the boys and has tried and tried to befriend the only other girl in the flat but to no avail. The other girl "Clare" has latched on to a girl in the flat above and now pretty much ignores the others in her flat except for one boy who has joined her little group of her him and flat above girl.
Just for background..DD overheard Clare telling flat above girl that herand the boy have a secret throwing up sound they make that the other three dont know what it means....i don't know either but it sounds a bit weird.

Anyway to the point.. Clare keeps washing all the dishes.. constantly. If DD so much as uses a plate and knife and then leaves in for 10 mins she comes back and it's washed. Apparently not washed properly and not put back in correct draw but washed.
DD and 2 boys have asked her repeatedly not Todo this..say they will wash their own dishes. But she just ignores them. One boy even left a post note on his dishes to say not to wash them he would be back in an HR. They have walked into kitchen whilst she is mid wash and asked her to stop but she says no and carries on.
The kitchen is clean..I have seen it's not that they would leavedishes to go mouldy..they just might want to wash them at a more convenient time... shall they just let her get on with it..even though they do t like it? It doesn't seem like she will stop unless they wash everything straight away..which is surely unrealistic for student? Clare also asked the boyshe is friends with in flat to call aflat meeting and basically berate the others for all the work Clare does and how they need to step up...whilst Clare just sat there. The other three are confused by this and just want to get on with uni life without petty kitchen stuff. One boy said he feels on edge even using the kitchen. Just for more background DD suffers with anxiety and that's why I dont know if she is over reacting being bothered by this? It can be hard for me to be objective.
To advice I gave her is to ignore and just be as nice as possible to Clare and just get on with uni Life.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 19/10/2018 14:17

The girl sounds a bit OCD but what she does is at worst harmless and at best, helpful, so surely taking no notice is the best course of action. Not worth making an issue out of or falling out over it.

PiggyPoos · 19/10/2018 14:17

This really isn't too much of an issue and certainly something your DD can deal with.

I would wash my dishes straight away but if she wants to clean that's up to her.

Tbf I would have been quite happy with this as an 18 year old.

IStandWithPosie · 19/10/2018 14:18

IStandWithPosie What has popr Clare done to you? Did she buy the last cupcake? I am sure that she has a personality. She just doesn't like filth

😂😂😂 filth??

MarthaArthur · 19/10/2018 14:18

At university age they are adults and make their own decision. Even people with OCD can be adults who make their own decisions. Parents dont get to dictate where their child lives once at uni.

Starryskiesinthesky · 19/10/2018 14:20

It sounds like Clare has major problems. To all the people saying do the dishes straight away it is not normal to have to wash dishes immediately, even in shared accommodation. Not sure there is much your daughter can do about it though except just be confident that what they are doing is fine.

MarthaArthur · 19/10/2018 14:22

starry i beg to differ. In all shared accomodation i have ever lived in the rule was always wash your dishes straight away. Its lazy and gross to leave them.

Howhot · 19/10/2018 14:22

Just drop it op. Sounds like Claire has her own issues. If this is the worst thing your DD has experienced with her house mates so far I'd say she had it pretty good. Claire is perfectly entitled to live there. It should take your DD all of 30 seconds to do her own dishes and it's a good habit to get into so I really don't see the issue. You're over invested.

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2018 14:22

You say that your DD has bad anxiety and has had CBT for it, yet she’s ok to go to university and you’re proud of her, so why is Clare’s anxiety different and what about it disqualifies her from attending uni?

serbska · 19/10/2018 14:26

It's not messy washing though..a plate that had a sandwich on and a butter knife and glass can surely be left next to sink for a bit?

This would piss me off so much. Keep your dirty plate in your bedroom if you can;t be arsed to wash it up.

Poloshot · 19/10/2018 14:28

She's an adult leave her to it, not sure what it's got to do with you.

The other girl obviously has some sort of issue, just need to let it play out.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/10/2018 14:29

but then does she belong in student digs? so where should she live? Should mummy and daddy have brought her her own private house??

If my child had OCD then I wouldn't put them in student halls no
She isn't a 5 yo being dropped off at childcare ffs. Her parents might not even be making any financial contribution!!

OllyBJolly · 19/10/2018 14:31

Geez - wish that had been my problem when I was a student.

In one flatshare, I got up to one of the guys eating his cornflakes out a beer mug with a fork. In another, a request for flatmate to give us some dishes (as there were none left in the kitchen, she had them all in her room) resulted in several cups and bowls being deposited outside her bedroom door complete with her BF's beard clippings...

But no way would my mother have got involved. Or indeed anyone's mother.

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/10/2018 14:33

Clare sounds a bit OTT in terms of cleaning.
Her choice to do her flatmates' dishes especially when asked not to.
However, your DD should remind Clare not to do others dishes and should wash her own dishes within a suitable amount of time (I don't mean immediately.)
If Clare doesn't like the cleaning habits of her flatmates, she can move out.

MeredithGrey1 · 19/10/2018 14:34

It doesn't sound like the housemate is asking for anything that unreasonable. In houseshares washing up can really build up if not done and student kitchens often aren't that big.

I lived with a girl who wanted the washing up done immediately, before you ate i.e. if you made pasta, she would want you to wash the pasta pan before eating. That was unreasonable and she was ignored on that front.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 19/10/2018 14:34

“.a plate that had a sandwich on and a butter knife and glass can surely be left next to sink for a bit?”

In your own home sure, but not when you share with others. It’s rude.

Lazypuppy · 19/10/2018 14:36

I don't think i ever washed my dishes straight after at uni, mainly cause i'deat right before a lecture, then i'd do them when i got back.

Can your daughter not keep the plates in her room instead? That's what i did every so often, then take them out and clean when she wants.

I also very rarely wash dishea as soon as i've used them now. They either go in dishwasher, or sit in the sink and i do them a bit later.

ChalkDoodler · 19/10/2018 14:39

Your DD needs to do the reverse of what most clean students do and put her dirty plate/knife in her room and lock the door until she is ready to wash it up.

I shared with very messy/dirty Mummy's boys people so I bought my own plates/pans etc used them, ate, washed up immediately and then took them back into my room. Grin

I think it it totally acceptable for an "adult" at uni to ask the advice of a parent. Don't we all do that on here anyway?

I would point out that Clare is a drama llama with the secret childish sick noises and that most of your second year is spent ditching the pathetic, drama llamas from your first year.

headinhands · 19/10/2018 14:39

Half way through the op I already knew the replies would be posters falling over themselves to harp on about how leaving a plate to wash up later is the height of disgusting.

pictish · 19/10/2018 14:42

Stop worrying about this. Coming across people who are a it nutty and/or difficult to live with, is part of the rich tapestry of life that your daughter is not a part of. It’s not for you to be angsting over. Put it out of your mind.

pictish · 19/10/2018 14:43

Fgs...that your daughter is NOW a part of.

Bluelady · 19/10/2018 14:45

OP, this may come as a shock to you but students are young adults and their parents don't "put" them anywhere, they choose where they live. And therein lies your issue. Your daughter has left home, stop being so over invested in her life.

Alfie19 · 19/10/2018 14:46

It does sound like Clare has OCD. Your daughter has anxiety issues, but you "let" her live in shared accommodation, was this wise if she gets so upset at somebody washing up the dirty plates and cups she leaves lying around? And what do you think Clare's parents should have done? Lock her up? Not let her attend university?

I understand that your primary concern is for your daughter's mental well being, but Clare is somebody's daughter too.

Anyway, I do not recall my mother ever getting involved in my living situation when I was a student! So really, you need to bow out.

Mookatron · 19/10/2018 14:47

Your daughter needs to practise being strong on her (clearly annoying) house mate. She can't change her house mate's behaviour, only her own.

As long as the flat genuinely isn't filthy Clare's just going to have to deal with it and your daughter needs a pair of blinkers to ignore, ignore, ignore.

All good life lessons eh.

Original poster
cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 14:53

Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 19/10/2018 14:54

I think Clare might have anxiety with cleaning...but then does she belong in student digs?

Your child suffers from anxiety... does she belong in student digs?

FFS.

In a shared house it's not respectful to leave dirty plates about until you feel like washing them up. It takes, what, a minute to wash up after a meal for one? We all have to rush off sometimes but it sounds like all the non-Clares are lazy.