Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would this bother anyone else?

82 replies

cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 13:44

I really can't tell if iam being unreasonable in thinking this? So be honest i am aware imight be biased.
My DD is 18 and just started uni..living in halls with 4 others in her flat. She really gets on great with 2 of the boys and has tried and tried to befriend the only other girl in the flat but to no avail. The other girl "Clare" has latched on to a girl in the flat above and now pretty much ignores the others in her flat except for one boy who has joined her little group of her him and flat above girl.
Just for background..DD overheard Clare telling flat above girl that herand the boy have a secret throwing up sound they make that the other three dont know what it means....i don't know either but it sounds a bit weird.

Anyway to the point.. Clare keeps washing all the dishes.. constantly. If DD so much as uses a plate and knife and then leaves in for 10 mins she comes back and it's washed. Apparently not washed properly and not put back in correct draw but washed.
DD and 2 boys have asked her repeatedly not Todo this..say they will wash their own dishes. But she just ignores them. One boy even left a post note on his dishes to say not to wash them he would be back in an HR. They have walked into kitchen whilst she is mid wash and asked her to stop but she says no and carries on.
The kitchen is clean..I have seen it's not that they would leavedishes to go mouldy..they just might want to wash them at a more convenient time... shall they just let her get on with it..even though they do t like it? It doesn't seem like she will stop unless they wash everything straight away..which is surely unrealistic for student? Clare also asked the boyshe is friends with in flat to call aflat meeting and basically berate the others for all the work Clare does and how they need to step up...whilst Clare just sat there. The other three are confused by this and just want to get on with uni life without petty kitchen stuff. One boy said he feels on edge even using the kitchen. Just for more background DD suffers with anxiety and that's why I dont know if she is over reacting being bothered by this? It can be hard for me to be objective.
To advice I gave her is to ignore and just be as nice as possible to Clare and just get on with uni Life.

OP posts:

kmc1111 · 19/10/2018 14:56

I’m not sure why all the stuff about Clare not being friends with everyone in the flat matters. She doesn’t have to be friends with your DD just because they’re flat mates, and your DD really shouldn’t have been trying and trying to make her her friend when she made it clear she wasn’t interested.

The washing up could be mild OCD, or it could just be that she quickly saw how messy things got when 5 people sharing a flat all leave the dishes for later and couldn’t stand it. That kind of mess spirals fast with 5 in a flat, and makes using the kitchen really unpleasant. I remember having to fill up the kettle and saucepans with water from the bath tap, because by dinner time everyday the kitchen sink was unusable due to the tower of dishes.

StillAFeminist · 19/10/2018 15:00

If the situation seems to be stressing your daughter it may be worth suggesting she finds out if the uni has a mediation service some do and they can support in shared digs conflicts

Ifoundanacorn · 19/10/2018 15:01

Your dd needs to find some empathy and stop observing claire do all the cleaning, and she and the others should pitch in and help.

Claire may or may not have an OCD but if your dd wants to enjoy the next year then she needs to try and make the effort with Claire and stop judging her would be my best advice to your dd. Claire won't like your dd anymore for labelling her and gossiping about her.

SilverySurfer · 19/10/2018 15:03

I'm trying to figure out why Clare's friendships have anything to do with this.

As for leaving washing up in a shared space, even if only a plate, knife and glass, multiply that by the number in the flat and you've got messy kitchen. As others have said, it's best to either wash immediately or leave in your room until you have the time to do so.

You do seem a bit over invested and it's not like you can change anyone or anything is it?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/10/2018 15:07

OP your daughter is clearly struggling with this because of her anxiety. Does she belong in student digs??

Original poster

cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 15:10

The other boys are struggling with it too..and theydont have anxiety

OP posts:

pictish · 19/10/2018 15:12

Personally if Clare was my flat mate who insisted on doing all the washing up the second it has been placed by the sink, I’d let her get on with it and not give a fuck. If Clare then went on to complain about doing all the work....or any one else on her behalf such as happened here, I’d state that I had made it clear I didn’t need or want her to wash my dishes and that if she wants to be a martyr to the cause that’s up to her.
I wouldn’t give Clare and her dishwashing another thought beyond that. Silly girl.

Original poster

cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 15:13

They all just want to be left alone to wash their own dishes in their own time... not filthy at all...and not be made to wash immediately by a girl with control issues who makes gagging noises to her friend when they walk in theroom...

OP posts:

Original poster

cabbage78 · 19/10/2018 15:14

But I did post on aibu so take the bad with good...thanks for everyone's opinions x

OP posts:

pictish · 19/10/2018 15:14

Clare is an overbearing twat. I’d just ignore her.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/10/2018 15:34

Clare doesn't have to be mates with anyone, she's not 4. If she's clicked with the upstairs lot, let her crack on. I suspect the reason her behaviour is a problem is because she's not made flat friends. She's be viewed more favourably & be easier to chat to if she had.
The dishwashing thing sounds PA but also suggests Clare has issues - has anyone asked her WHY she feels the need despite knowing they're pissed?
She does have the right idea cleaning up- student kitchens get rank in the blink of an eye. All those "come back in a hr types".
Clare sounds like a martyr regardless , she may just get bored & leave to wallow in happy squalorit . That's probably the least explosive option! I do feel for your Dd as it all sounds nasty, but having had mucky housemates I do feel a pang of sympathy for Clare too!

Starryskiesinthesky · 19/10/2018 16:20

Why does Clare make gagging noises when people come in the room? That sounds totally rude. Much worse than leaving the odd dish for 10 minutes.

pictish · 19/10/2018 16:26

I was once followed around Tesco by three teenage girls making gagging noises beside me. I ignored them and when that didn’t work I confronted them at which they shat themselves and scuttled off to the toilet.
My teenaged son tells me it’s a ‘thing’.

It’s an incredibly stupid and immature thing to do. Maybe Clare is stupid and immature.

gamerwidow · 19/10/2018 16:34

It's not messy washing though..a plate that had a sandwich on and a butter knife and glass can surely be left next to sink for a bit?
At home this is fine but in a house with 5 people if everyone leaves this tiny bit of washing up undone then it quickly makes a big pile of washing up.
Why should anyone who wants to use the kitchen have to navigate around others mess.
I’d take with a pinch of salt anything my DD said about only leaving a tiny mess or it only being there for an hour. I know people tend to minimise their own part in any conflict (me included) the truth tending to sit somewhere between the two opposing sides version of events.

Doyoumind · 19/10/2018 16:35

Clare doesn't have OCD in my opinion. She's a PA martyr who is very childish, and likes private jokes and bitching behind people's backs.

Your DD should keep plates etc in her room until she's ready to wash up.

If your daughter is getting anxious about it as a last resort she and the boys should write her a note saying they agree the kitchen shouldn't be untidy but Clare has no right to wash up when asked not to and then complain about it and if she doesn't stop they will have to make a complaint because it's affecting DD's health. But you shouldn't be getting involved.

Mookatron · 19/10/2018 16:36

Clare doesn't have OCD in my opinion. She's a PA martyr who is very childish, and likes private jokes and bitching behind people's backs.

Yup.

Haffiana · 19/10/2018 16:37

FGS let your daughter find her own way of dealing with it. She is at Uni to learn to be an adult.

Happygoldfinch · 19/10/2018 16:38

If a person is anxious, they want to avoid situations which spark their anxiety. So why isn't OP's daughter just washing her plates when she has finished with them? Clean kitchen, no martyrdom from the housemate, that bit of anxiety averted.

Dontfeellikeaskeleton · 19/10/2018 16:40

Seriously who gives a shit

Doyoumind · 19/10/2018 16:41

Happygoldfinch because Clare's behaviour is very controlling and allowing yourself to be controlled is not the answer. Clare will just find another 'thing'.

Chalkhillblu3 · 19/10/2018 16:42

Tell her if it gets bad enough to want to move house, she should tell you. Otherwise back right off. I cannot imagine my mother taking an interest in the ins and outs of washing up in any house I ever lived in. She probably didn't even know the names of most people I shared with.

Puggles123 · 19/10/2018 16:47

They should just wash stuff as they use it, this is pretty tame for living in halls to be honest- Clare probably wants to move flats as much as they wish she would. FWIW I wouldn’t have minded someone doing my washing up!

Happygoldfinch · 19/10/2018 16:48

But this is a 'thing' that seems reasonable to fix. Washing up your dirty dishes is not being controlled - it's being considerate. I lived with a flatmate who refused to pay her share of the phone bill because she wanted to spend her money on other things instead. She would probably have seen paying the phone bill as 'giving in to us'. She certainly whined about how we didn't understand her needs! People have different ideas of what it means to be respectful and civilised.

anniehm · 19/10/2018 16:53

Really in a shared kitchen washing up should be done straight after eating, that said it sounds like this girl has ocd of some kind. Might be worth your daughter raising it as a welfare issue with the warden/hall supervisor but you mustn't get involved. The 3 "normal" kids should make sure they wash up within 15 mins of finishing for the next week and monitor the situation, keep a diary - it might not be her fault if she is actually ill

Mookatron · 19/10/2018 16:55

Maybe your daughter could swap rooms with girl above?

Flip

1 2 3 4