To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

[muddywatersedge]

Aged 38.

The reality is. Being single and childless over 40 sucks.

That's your reality. It is not everyone's.

I'm single, childfree and (well) over 40. I love it. I look at my friends who've done the whole family thing and think I'd hate to have their lives. Nothing about it appeals to me. Which isn't to say they're not happy - I'm sure they are - but you couldn't pay me to be stuck with a husband and kids.

It's easier to take career risks when you have another person jointly responsible for the bills.

I can't imagine anything more stressful than saddling my partner with the consequences of my desire for change. Yes, I did say I settled down young, but the OP asked what respondents would do, and that is exactly what I would do. It's like it's my parallel shadow life that I would be leading had I taken a different path.

Barring any huge debts or convictions, anyone can liquidate their existing material life and up sticks and move on if that's their hearts desire. I was a student until late, and lived the student lifestyle for long after I got a well-paying job, so the financial aspect doesn't phase me. As I said, it's what I would do.

@sammylady37
I could think of nothing worse than going home to a noisy busy house and having to engage with people for the evening

Me neither. I get tetchy and bad -tempered if I'm around people for too long. I just have to escape into a room on my own and shut the door! For introverts - which I am and I'm guessing you are too - it's very difficult to cope with a lot of external stimulation. I think extroverts don't get how genuinely stressful it is for us to be around other people all day, especially when you dont' seem like a stereotypical introvert and are perfectly capable of being sociable and emphatic.

Just not all the time!

Sometimes I think people have kids just so they can imagine the amazing life of travel and high flying career that they "would have had" otherwise. Without having the bother of actually having to have such a life.

OP, for us to suggest what you should do, we have to know a bit more about you and what you like. No point suggesting travel if you hate it, for example.

If I was in your position, honestly I would keep going along, working, taking a trip every 1-2 years, meeting a friend occasionally. I wouldn't do anything big like throw in my job become an artist in Bali. Cause that's just not me.

Hope that people stopped being judgmental about me.

I was single until I was 33, when I married my DH of 15 years. When single, I did lots of things I wanted to. I studied and got 2 degrees, did Christian charity work in Africa, which was the highlight (perhaps not getting malaria awhile staying with a local family in an African village, and finding a scorpion in my bedroom!).

When I met my DH (aged 32), I was finally living a quieter life, I owned a lovely one bedroom flat in Greater Manchester and was doing a job I loved. I had the company of my gorgeous black and white cat, all the company I needed in the evenings, and I had a lovely circle of friends.

I really think now that having done the things I did when single, I don't now resent the limitations of being a mum to 2 adopted DDs, now 9 and 6. I've experienced both, and both lifestyles can be equally fulfilling. (Admittedly, I've never had to cope with being single later in life, which I think must be much harder. In your early thirties, there are far more people who haven't settled down yet so you don't feel out of place as a single woman.)

There’s a massive difference between being single in your twenties/early thirties and single in your forties.

It isn’t comparable at all.

Foster
I’ve worked within and around child protection so know what is involved and how badly it’s needed
I would be particularly interested in offering mother and baby placements

How would you fund fostering?

You would have to give up work and fostering would become your FT job. You would not be guaranteed children or thus an income. Your insurance costs would shoot through the roof too.

How would you finance fostering?

I would really invest in friendships. Meet people at meetups, go to see old friends etc. Don’t assume people with children no longer want to be friends. They are just struggling to maintain friendships with pressure from kids/work. If you have the time, invest in them because in a few years they will be free to being more engaged again and will remember the friend that would come round with a bottle of wine once the kids were in bed and didn’t get annoyed when said kid woke up.

I would focus on a career that gave me massive satisfaction. Perhaps in the third sector.

I would volunteer.

I would find meaning in people not stuff.

I see all the fantasists are still coming on with their dreams of travelling the world and having fab careers and adventures.

They seem to assume that single women are rootless creatures with buckets of money, tons of free time and no desire to remain connected to family, friends and community.

Dream on if it makes you feel good but realise it's just a dream and not reality for most people - coupled up or single.

I've got a few older friends who have always been basically single and don't have any children.

One thing they have in common is good financial planning. One has a property she rents out, and at 50, after two careers, took on a business franchise to prepare for retirement - something with employees, something she could manage, rather than hard graft. Another has a research job she loves and has progressed well with no other ties to consider. Her pension pot is great and she owns her property outright. (Obviously that's a quirk of timing and the property market is not what it was.)

All of them have a core of friends who share interests but are quite compartmentalised by interests - rather than a group of friends who all get together all the time, they have friends for theatre, friends for tennis etc. They work at maintaining those friendships and are proactive at making arrangements. FAR more so that the people who have children and partners and cancel at the last minute - it's really noticeable.

I have another friend who's younger and struggling a bit with this. She's not working at being financially solvent - I appreciate it's harder when rents are ridiculous - but she won't, for example, work at a second job for a while to get over the hump. She's accepted that things will always be hard financially and I don't agree with her approach to it, especially since there is no magic wand here, she's got to manage the rest of her life. There's a lot of 'other people have it made' and not a lot of 'hmm, I wonder how they did it and what I can do?'

I've rambled on a bit but from what I can see, getting yourself financially self-sufficient with a plan and a willingness to explore opportunities seems like a good way to go if you don't have a partner.

@TokyoKyoto that is the best post of this whole thread. Two of my mom's friends are single in their 70s (one never married and one a widow). They tell me to stay single, enjoy being a free spirit. But they are financially fine.

Also I will point out that working abroad gets harder as you get older due to visa requirements. You can't just go to Australia and look for a job like you can if you are under 35.

I also look for child free friends because ones with young children blow me out all the time over plans. I don't give a shit if they will be glad of me making the effort in 15 years time. I want to live now.

And that is sad because society in this country is divided between people who have kids and those that don't. I like Spain for that reason.

One thing I know is that (sorry to be a doom monger) all you moms with kids will probably be empty nesting widows one day. I am ready for that and you aren't.

They seem to assume that single women are rootless creatures with buckets of money, tons of free time and no desire to remain connected to family, friends and community.

Agreed. The same for women in relationships but no children. No responsibilities, financial commitments etc.

Op you might be better asking for women who actually are single and without children what their life is like.

Chalkhillblu3 Thanks! I adore those friends btw. Having older, wiser women around is brilliant and I value their take on life, unencumbered by moaning about men and childrearing

I look at moms with pushchairs chatting at the school gates and I think enjoy it while it lasts. Women live longer than men (20 years longer sometimes) and kids live further away than in past generations.

I'd get a cat if I was single again, other half is allergic!
Am childfree anyway as neither of us wants kids and to be honest we could do all those things like travel etc but you get busy with work and stuff and a good weekend out involves a trip to Aldi!
Then again I can also play on my Xbox all weekend if I fancy it (and often do) so total freedom to do what you want is nice.

I love cats but there are about 100 in my street so I get my strokes in without the responsibility.

@continuallychargingmyphone I mentioned the possibility of fostering or adopting too. In my case I have rental income, savings and a freelance career that I could work during school hours and earn a full time wage for even just 10 hours a week. I’d fully be expecting that I might have to give up that career though depending on the children that I’d possibly be placed with.

I live in an LA where foster care is desperately needed and there are not enough FCs. Therefore FC is very well paid in this area and all the FCs I know locally do not work and are able to live off the allowance alone. Despite that, things can change and I am carefully planning for the future in case I do foster. I also have an adoption plan which is slightly different from a financial point of view.

Single people, like everyone else get older. That means that once most of us get to a ‘certain age’ we have to do our own version of settling down. For me, this meant buying a house as I don’t fancy still renting once I’m retired. So now I’m paying a mortgage, bills and house upkeep / redecorating all on one wage.

This isn’t to say my life is awful, just that financially it’s a constant juggling of the budget to keep my life on track.

I still travel but now it’s just one ‘proper’ holiday a year and that usually has to go on the credit card. Not very financially responsible but spending all your money on bills and house expenses is a pretty dull life when you’re single. I do realise I’m lucky in some respects to be able to afford a mortgage on a single income and still (sort of) have money left over to travel. I do however spend very little money on shoes, clothes, hair etc and have an oldish car.

If money wasn’t an issue I’d certainly be off on exotic adventure all the time 🧐

I think you have to think, when you are 90 do you want to look back and wish you had done something or been somewhere or achieved some goals. Life is about meeting interesting people, going to new places, completing your goals. These goals can be small or large. It is your life, so find things that you enjoy, not what people expect you to do. If your idea of heaven is setting up a hedgehog rescue centre do it ! If your idea of heaven is teaching English abroad do it (some countries have age restrictions) If you want to work 6 months, then travel for 6 months do it !

You could also work numerous jobs and save and retire early.