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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to override my sons's list of who to invite to his party??

109 replies

QwertyLou · 19/10/2018 05:53

DS is turning 4 soon so party prep is underway. I printed invitations and was going to slip them in the kids' book bags (4-5 kids, his closest friends). There was an invite waiting in my sons' locker, for a party the weekend before his (whole class is invited).

normally I would just print an extra invite for this other child too. But I now realise that she is the only one (out of 23) that my son does not like! ("She hits people"). Son does not want to extend the invitation but I still feel like we should... AIBU?

Other dilemma is that my son really wants to invite (made up names)... Mr Tom, Mrs Lee, Mr Rob, Miss Clare and Mr Ben!! (his teachers, whom he adores)

Mr Tom is one of the invited kid's dads so he is coming. Mrs Lee is this other party child's mom so if we DO invite other child, she will come.

But as for the rest.. I think inviting them might be inappropriate (?). I know they are fond of DS (he's "so happy and easy" a few have said) BUT they're around these kids all week. I am sure they don't want to spend two hours on a Saturday with them.

Educators of Mumsnet, do you agree?? When kids invite you to their parties, do you inwardly groan or just smile and politely decline (or accept)?? I'm inclined to override DS and not invite them... AIBU?

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 19/10/2018 22:06

Grown ups always stay as that is half the fun
Hmm maybe I’ve been going to the wrong kind of children since parties.

goodomens830 · 19/10/2018 22:59

Inviting the teachers is just odd.

If he's going to the other child's party, then yes of course she's invited to his. That's just common courtesy.

TotHappy · 19/10/2018 23:24

Ywbvu to serve champagne to toddlers, op. They are happy with Lambrini.

dreaming174 · 20/10/2018 00:58

Where I live it's not unusual to invite teachers to birthday parties. I'd never go though. Why would I want to spend my free time with the children I look after all week? No teacher loves children THAT much

dreaming174 · 20/10/2018 00:58

Plus I'm pretty sure I'd be looked at as extra child care and just no way.

mollysmammy · 20/10/2018 11:42

As it's a small party I wouldn't invite her on that basis anyway, if she doesn't get on with him.

I've had parties where I've invited the entire class (I thought I was going to have to sell a kidney when I saw the price!) and ones where she just invited girls as there was a limit to numbers and she knows people from her clubs, family and school (I would have been looking at over 60 kids - as a single Mum not doable). This year we just had a very small party mainly family as I'd just finished my temp job and things were tight.

I lost so much sleep over whether I'd be judged at the school gates as she'd accepted other invites and not invited their child that I took in little treat bags and cupcakes!

It's his day and he wants who he wants there, if you were inviting the rest of the class and JUST excluding her it would look bad, but it's 4-5 not 30. Don't fret...!

Thisreallyisafarce · 20/10/2018 11:55

I wouldn't invite the teachers because he will upset if they are invited and choose not to come, which is what is 99% certain to happen. I don't want to spend my holidays or weekends working, which is what it is, really.

Littlenic73 · 20/10/2018 18:57

I would never invite a child my kids didn't like just to reciprocate an invite. If you aren't having many it's reasonable not to have to invite them all. If you feel bad, you don't have to accept their invite either. You could always say to the adults that he really wanted to invite them but you understand that they are busy and will have other plans with their own families.

perfectstorm · 21/10/2018 00:40

You're Australian, OP?

Totally different cultural understanding to the UK. Things here are way more formal in some ways and rather less so in others. It's so different, and masked by the shared language.

If asking staff is normal where you are, then it is. I'd go with your gut, because the British one isn't going to help you much.

SleightOfMind · 21/10/2018 00:47

When DS1 was in reception we invited his teachers as we were having a whole class party jointly with 2 other friends.

It was at my house which was two minutes walk from school and I and the other mothers were regular class helpers so knew the staff well.
All but one came and it was a lovely party.

But, DS1 is now 19. I wouldn’t have done it with the DTs a couple of years ago when they started school. Times have changed and, unless you know the teachers in a personal capacity, you might make them feel uncomfortable.

SleightOfMind · 21/10/2018 00:49

Ah, just seen you’re not UK based.
In that case you should go for it if it’s not unusual where you are.
Your DS sounds very sweet. Hope he has a lovely day.

Lollipop30 · 21/10/2018 00:52

No teachers, no kids your kid dislikes.
Simples 👍

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 21/10/2018 00:54

Back yard instead of garden, kindergarten instead of preschool or nursery? If you are from the US most of the responses from here will be irrelevant. But do you really not do whole class parties? Aren't there any church halls to rent out with a bouncy castle? Grin You are missing out.

In the UK we don't tend to call anyone teachers unless they are a teacher at school. I think that's caused some confusion. We'd never invite a school teacher to a children's party!

Alexandra2018 · 21/10/2018 01:01

So you should invite the girl who's invited your child
Don't invite the teachers

indigoprincess · 21/10/2018 03:29

@QwertyLou Please don't make your child invite someone who hits and who may ruin his party. It isn't as though you are inviting the whole class and just excluding this one child. We teach our kids to set boundaries and to not make them feel they must hang around with those who mistreat them or make them uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, am sure this child is not nasty or a bully, probably just going through a stage, but I feel it is better that your child not have to feel uposet or scared at his party.

DeeferDogs · 21/10/2018 03:39

You won’t be going to the girl who hits party, so no need to invite them to yours.

The only time I have ever heard of teachers invited and turning up at parties was at a very amateur run nursery where there were unprofessional teacher-parent relationships resulting in parents leaving in droves.

driveninsanebythehubby · 21/10/2018 12:10

Ywbvu to serve champagne to toddlers, op. They are happy with Lambrini.

Grin this really made me chuckle!

LondonLassInTheCountry · 21/10/2018 17:19

I think the OP means more like staff at a private nursery maybe, young girls who babysit of weekends who have close relationships with some parents.

I worked in a private nursery and would get invited to parties on the weekends, if i was free, i would go...
Just the same as if we were all out in the pub after work on a Friday, we would invite some of the parents over and some of the kids too... The kiddies would all eat and parents would chat to us.
Tje kids would go home about 7 or 8pm and sometimes the mum or dad would stay out drinking with us...
London UK

JessieMcJessie · 22/10/2018 12:08

You haven’t said if your DS will be going to the party of the girl he doesn’t like. Presumably not?

Original poster
QwertyLou · 26/10/2018 09:31

@JessieMcJessie yes he will go to the little girl's party. He is not scared of her (she has never hit him). She is a wee bitty little one, smallest in the class, and he is one of the biggest.

I was wavering slightly but then saw on twitter about Teddy in Tuscon, six year old who had nobody come to his party. Aw the look on his face Sad that did it Smile

I had no idea kids' parties were so culturally specific! To me, parties are for all the people most beloved to the child, kids and adults alike.

I mean my 93 year old grandmother will be there! She says her water aerobics classes (run by a handsome young man I believe) and kids' parties are the highlights of her life these days!

Kids will race around while grownups (including parents of all the kids) just sit in the shade. Maybe I'm boring but eating and talking with friends while our kids play is my idea of fun! Blush

At the last party the hostess (birthday boys' mum) hired her younger cousin who is a trainee beautician and kindly did everyone's nails, so we all left with lovely nails (& happy exhausted kids). Even if the hostess had accepted some contribution from those of us who wanted to (she didn't) I know she wouldn't have accepted anything from her son's teacher who was a guest.

@dreaming174 I'm mortified that you might feel you were looked upon as childcare!! I will have my teenage niece and her bestie to help with games and teenage nephew to do (age appropriate!) rugby drills for any kids. Guests' only job is to sip wine (afternoon party) and chill out.

@TotHappy - now that's a tip I can use - Lambrini for the toddlers it is, we'll save a packet! Grin

@coughlaughfart @perfectstorm thanks for the wise words!

OP posts:
Original poster
QwertyLou · 26/10/2018 09:33

oops sorry for the War & Peace! just read the last responses and got a bit carried away!

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 26/10/2018 09:55

I wouldn't change from your initial list, you either have a small gathering like you intended in the first place, and stick to that, or you invite everyone (which isn't always feasible for lots of reasons) I wouldn't compromise just because you've received an invite to another party, unless that is you go to said party.

Don't invite Teachers, it's not appropriate, and may put them in an awkward position.

Hope your DC has a fab birthday and party when it comes.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 26/10/2018 12:10

You said in your op that your son doesn’t like this girl so you are being very unreasonable to take him to her party and pretend he does like her so you can have your child entertained at someone else’s expense!

Mummyundecided · 26/10/2018 12:29

I agree Bumsex (sorry, I sniggered at your name) The reason the OP has given for not inviting the other child is because of her behaviour, and because her son doesn’t like the girl, as per the original post, then it’s pretty hypocritical for the OP’s son to attend her party.
OP could have just been sensible and low key about not inviting her because, eg only a small no of kids were invited, and parties don’t have to be reciprocal, but instead she’s made it into an issue of behaviour and ‘liking’. But still wants to justify having the girl’s parent invited because they’re her son’s teacher?
OP wants to have her (birthday) cake and eat it.

Original poster
QwertyLou · 26/10/2018 12:39

He won’t be entertained at anyone’s expense. The party is in a park, so the kids will entertain themselves on the swings and slide. They won’t need feeding (not a meal time) nor looking after as all the mums (including me) will be there!

OP posts: