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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to override my sons's list of who to invite to his party??

109 replies

QwertyLou · 19/10/2018 05:53

DS is turning 4 soon so party prep is underway. I printed invitations and was going to slip them in the kids' book bags (4-5 kids, his closest friends). There was an invite waiting in my sons' locker, for a party the weekend before his (whole class is invited).

normally I would just print an extra invite for this other child too. But I now realise that she is the only one (out of 23) that my son does not like! ("She hits people"). Son does not want to extend the invitation but I still feel like we should... AIBU?

Other dilemma is that my son really wants to invite (made up names)... Mr Tom, Mrs Lee, Mr Rob, Miss Clare and Mr Ben!! (his teachers, whom he adores)

Mr Tom is one of the invited kid's dads so he is coming. Mrs Lee is this other party child's mom so if we DO invite other child, she will come.

Educators of Mumsnet, do you agree?? When kids invite you to their parties, do you inwardly groan or just smile and politely decline (or accept)?? I'm inclined to override DS and not invite them... AIBU?

OP posts:

sashh · 19/10/2018 07:05

Inviting teachers is sweet. Email them first to say ds really wants to invite them but you don't expect them to take up the offer.

If you are not inviting the girl who hits then don't go to her party.

errorofjudgement · 19/10/2018 07:06

Agree with don’t invite the teachers, also agree no need to invite someone he doesn’t like to his party.
However, the flip side is I wouldn’t be comfortable accepting the invitation to the other party as your DS doesn’t want to reciprocate.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/10/2018 07:08

Don't invite the hitter. He's only got 5 people coming, they should be mates.

Don't invite the teachers, just explain they can't come.

rainbowstardrops · 19/10/2018 07:22

I currently work in Yr2 and whilst I'm very fond of some of the children, I wouldn't want to go to any of their parties!
I'm with them all week and weekends are my time to be away from them!
Just tell him they're all busy.

With regards to the little girl, if you were inviting majority or all of the class then I think you should invite her but as he's only inviting a handful of friends then I probably wouldn't.

Chickychoccyegg · 19/10/2018 07:32

no need to invite the little girl who's given out invites, if she's having a full class party and your d's is having a few friends, it's totally different.
do not invite the teachers, there's no way any of them would want to give up their free time to go to the party of a work child, completely inappropriate to even ask them, i dont think i've ever heard of anyone inviting the teachers. (i wouldnt even be prepared to give them one with a note saying you dont expect them to come etc, i would say to my child, that the teachers are busy with their own families at the weekend)

Maryann1975 · 19/10/2018 07:32

Do not invite the teachers! It’s their job and I’m sure, however fond they are of your ds, they are fonder of their own dc and time off sat the weekend.
Your child has been invited to a whole class party, you are holding a small party with only 5 dc. The two events are completely different, so don’t feel you have to add her in, especially as your ds doesn’t like the other party host.

EK36 · 19/10/2018 07:33

Don't invite teachers. They won't come. Don't invite a child that your child doesn't like, especially a hitter.

sunshineroo · 19/10/2018 07:36

If this is an all class party it is rude and unkind to leave one child out

Mummyundecided · 19/10/2018 07:38

Don’t invite the teachers - they won’t come, unless they’re parents of children invited, it’s inappropriate. Explain gently to your son that it’s not possible.
As your son’s party is so small, there’s no need to invite this girl. But I wonder, if she’s so unpleasant, whether your son would be going to her party? Surely he wouldn’t want to go to the party of someone who hits him?

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 19/10/2018 07:38

My littlest always wants to invite his teachers. I always point out that teachers need their time to relax without children and say no to allowing the invitation. Honestly no matter how delightful the child I can't imagine why a teacher would chose to attend a party. Maybe I say that because my mum was a primary school teacher and it was hard enough getting round Tesco without being "Misssssssssssssss" ed at 20 times. Mum was always lovely about it but you could tell she just wanted to do the shopping

PussGirl · 19/10/2018 07:39

There was a lovely handsome young teacher that used to be invited to my son's classmate's parties, ostensibly to help, but it all came out that the classmate's mum was shagging him.

There was a particularly entertaining moment at the school bus stop - he was on Bus Duty, her husband was driving past, spotted him, leapt out of his car & chased him down the road effing & blinding & brandishing fists

No idea how she found the time, the classmate being the 6th of 9

This isn't relevant to your problem, however - just felt appropriate to mention it.

Lovemusic33 · 19/10/2018 07:40

I think at that age most people invite the whole class? It seems mean to leave some out, at that age there are often a few not so well behaved children (remember some are almost a year younger than others).

No to teachers coming, they have been with your child all week, the last thing they want to do is spend their spare time at your child’s party.

HeyThoughIWalk · 19/10/2018 07:42

I'm surprised everyone is so horrified at the thought of inviting the teachers. Obviously they're not going to come, but why not let your DS make them an invitation to give them? Explain to him that they won't be able to come, and write on it that you don't expect them to make it but he just wanted to invite them.

TeenTimesTwo · 19/10/2018 07:43

If he's turning 4, is this nursery?

You don't have to return invites, especially from a whole class party. Think about it, if you were later born you'd end up only inviting those who had had whole class parties, not your special friends.

And no, he can't ask the adults.

We never did a whole class party. The reciprocal for a party invite is the present, not another party.

ScarsAndAll · 19/10/2018 07:49

I don't think you need to reciprocate the invite. My ds had a whole class party this year (his choice!) And we have been invited back to some and not to others, I am not bothered and he hasn't really noticed (they are all 4/5) I am actually really good friends with my ds teacher, I did not invite her to the party. I sent her a message on the day to check she didn't want to spend her Saturday with her entire class eating sugar and running round a hall 100mph, she is a wonderful loving caring teacher, but said she would rather stick pins in her eyes 😂

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 19/10/2018 08:02

I wouod NOT reciprocate the party invite from the girl.
She has a whole class party, your dc is inviting a few friends. Totally different ball game. If she wasn’t invited before, and actoy your d really do not want her there, then she doesn’t. There is a question to ask as to why he wouod go to the party of someone he doesn’t like... so I wouod have that conversation with him.

As for the teacher, I’m expecting the other parent to take them, not the teacher. There is a lot of ethical issues with becoming ‘friendly’ to the parents of the child you teach as well as difficulties in the classroom.
It’s sweet your dc wants to invite them. It shouldn’t happen though.

diddl · 19/10/2018 08:05

I wouldn't invite the little girl he doesn't like or the teacher.

Will parents be staying?

If so, might "Mr Tom's" child be there with their mother?

Original poster

QwertyLou · 19/10/2018 08:09

Thanks everyone.. this is my first ever post & I really appreciate the input! just to clarify..

He is not scared of this child at all - has never been hit himself. He's just witnessed it and being a bit of a goody two-shoes, is disapproving. If he was scared I definitely wouldn't invite them.

I just wonder if the other mom (who is lovely btw) might have invited the whole class because her child does not get invited to parties much. It is not usual to do whole-class parties here (no one's back yard is big enough! :-) the only one I've heard of before this was for that reason (to foster friendships).

Grown ups always stay as that is half the fun, adults chat and eat (except for me - I'll be hard at work!!). There will be 14 kids at the party (4-5 from kindy) and 17 adults.

Teachers have been at a couple parties we've attended and I ran into one at a toyshop last week who said "Oh are you shopping for Daniel's party too [another kindy kid]?" I took the opportunity to ask "Isn't going to their parties like going to work on the weekend??" and she said "No, because for once I get to sit down, eat, and watch someone else do all the work!!"

Personally though I do feel a little uncomfortable so will gently fob him off - he will have forgotten all about it by his party!!

OP posts:

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 19/10/2018 08:09

But as for the rest.. I think inviting them might be inappropriate (?). I know they are fond of DS (he's "so happy and easy" a few have said) BUT they're around these kids all week. I am sure they don't want to spend two hours on a Saturday with them.
Believe it or not, most children are nice and their teachers like them, but never to the point that they would want to spend time with them outside of school (as teacher/pupil, obviously if there is another relationship that is different).

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2018 08:19

If D's is going to this girls oArty, he needs to invite her to his, if he isent, than he does not. No you don't invite teachers to kids parties.

xyzandabc · 19/10/2018 08:26

Don't invite teachers. Just tell you son kids birthday parties are just for children, teachers are busy with their own families at weekends.

As for the other girl, don't invite her. She's having a whole class party, so your son isn't necessarily invited because he is her friend, only because he is in her class. Your son is having a small close friends only party, she does not fall in to the close friend category so no invitation.
If everyone was expected to reciprocate invitations, then everyone would end up with a whole class party and invitations to 29 parties a year, nightmare!

BumsexAtTheBingo · 19/10/2018 08:28

Don’t invite teachers. They are obliged to keep a professional relationship and they won’t want to go which will just be really awkward. Obviously the one accompanying their own child will have to go.
Not sure what the dilemma is about the other child? If your child doesn’t like her then surely he won’t be going to her party or inviting her to his?

Ohyesiam · 19/10/2018 08:32

I live with a teacher, they do 70 + hours a week, they really don’t need invitations to decline. Very sweet that he asked though.
I would ask the hitty girl, providing parents would stay . I always told my kids there were a few we needed to invite (reciprocals or the like) plus the ones they wanted.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/10/2018 08:34

I'm surprised everyone is so horrified at the thought of inviting the teachers. Obviously they're not going to come, but why not let your DS make them an invitation to give them?

Because - it puts them in a needlessly awkward position.

They have to lie and make up an excuse for not coming, and if they're especially kind-hearted, feel bad/guilty for disappointing a child.

A parent with any sort of clue with cut that all off at the pass by not passing along an invitation in the first place.

strawberrypenguin · 19/10/2018 08:37

Do not invite the teachers - it's inappropriate and they will have to find a polite way to decline.

Don't invite other 'party child' if your DS doesn't like her. If you feel that guilty about it decline the invite to hers.

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