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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to override my sons's list of who to invite to his party??

109 replies

QwertyLou · 19/10/2018 05:53

DS is turning 4 soon so party prep is underway. I printed invitations and was going to slip them in the kids' book bags (4-5 kids, his closest friends). There was an invite waiting in my sons' locker, for a party the weekend before his (whole class is invited).

normally I would just print an extra invite for this other child too. But I now realise that she is the only one (out of 23) that my son does not like! ("She hits people"). Son does not want to extend the invitation but I still feel like we should... AIBU?

Other dilemma is that my son really wants to invite (made up names)... Mr Tom, Mrs Lee, Mr Rob, Miss Clare and Mr Ben!! (his teachers, whom he adores)

Mr Tom is one of the invited kid's dads so he is coming. Mrs Lee is this other party child's mom so if we DO invite other child, she will come.

But as for the rest.. I think inviting them might be inappropriate (?). I know they are fond of DS (he's "so happy and easy" a few have said) BUT they're around these kids all week. I am sure they don't want to spend two hours on a Saturday with them.

Educators of Mumsnet, do you agree?? When kids invite you to their parties, do you inwardly groan or just smile and politely decline (or accept)?? I'm inclined to override DS and not invite them... AIBU?

OP posts:
IamDrWho · 19/10/2018 08:40

My child wanted to invite teachers - I would override him, he doesn't understand that this isn't appropriate. If you are only inviting 4-5 children, OK to only invite those he really is good friends with

greendale17 · 19/10/2018 08:42

I don't think you should invite the girl.. You got to see it from his point of view she hits him! ? On his special day he doesn't need to be anxious or scared...

^This

crimsonlake · 19/10/2018 08:43

If you are really saying a teacher was at a recent party then I am shocked. I do not think it would go down well with the school if they found out, apart from it appearing as favouritism. You are over thinking this. As a teacher I have have had lots of children say you can come to my party or even you can come to my house to play, you just bat it off nicely.

ShalomJackie · 19/10/2018 08:44

No to other child.

Yours is a small party and he doesn't want her.

No to teachers. Do you want them to feel obliged to come when they would rather not? Also just plain weird!!

AjasLipstick · 19/10/2018 08:47

I just wonder if the other mom (who is lovely btw) might have invited the whole class because her child does not get invited to parties much.

And? That's nothing to do with you.

TotHappy · 19/10/2018 09:00

It sounds like you might not be in the UK op? Which means most of our replies are irrelevant because horns are different. It would be very inappropriate here for a teacher to attend a pupil's party. Obviously not where you are. Ditto the whole class parties. So you probably have to go with your it gut - if it were me I think I'd tell your son that if he doesn't want to invite X he can't go to her party.

formerbabe · 19/10/2018 09:05

No I don't think you need to reciprocate..normally yes but if hers is a whole class party and your ds's is for 4/5 kids, that's totally acceptable.

UnleashTheBulsara · 19/10/2018 09:15

CrimsonLake I have seen a TA from school at a party my dc was invited to. I thought nothing of it as she is a mum to one of the classmates. She was there to drop off her kid, same as everyone else? If you work in the same school your dc go to, it's bound to happen sometimes.

I feel sorry for the hitty girl, if all the class feel as OP's son does she might find not any many children come to her party. She probably only lashes out as she's not coping with some aspect of kindergarten and hasn't developed other more appropriate strategies yet. No need to accept invitation if dc doesn't want to go though.

I had whole class parties for the reason donkeysandzebras outlined, although my dc wasn't violent in any way. He didn't have many strong friendships even though he was invited to quite a few parties. (I always imagined the worst of nobody turning up to his parties, fortunately that didn't happen but it didn't stop me worrying about it.)

UnleashTheBulsara · 19/10/2018 09:17

To be clear, TA was not an invitee at the party, and didn't take part any more than I did... that would be weird

hibbledibble · 19/10/2018 09:19

The only time it's ever acceptable to invite teachers is if you know them outside school. Otherwise it's just odd.

Yonijust · 19/10/2018 09:20

No teachers
No girl

Original poster
QwertyLou · 19/10/2018 09:46

Not relevant I don't think, but I should have said educator/carer, not teacher (this is kindy/day care, not school).

Some carers babysit kids for extra $ and kindy is fine with that, also fine with parties. Most kids though would only invite 1-2 carers (if any). I'm sure many do politely decline (I would)! I only know about the ones who accept, since I see them at the party :-)

Yes, I've seen educators at some parties but not others. Sorry if that causes anyone to swoon in a faint!! Sheesh the way some people are reacting, you'd think I'd asked "can I serve toddlers champagne" or something!

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 19/10/2018 10:34

I think people saying things like ‘inviting teachers is absurd’ are being hyperbolic. A good teacher would and should easily be able to diplomatically decline. The OP herself has said she didn’t think it was a good idea and that they wouldn’t want to come - you’re preaching to the converted.

OP - I’d say if you haven’t already accepted the girl’s invitation, don’t. Then you can not invite her with a clear conscience. The fact that her mom is one of the teachers could actually help you - ‘If you want to invite Mrs Lee you can’t not invite X - she’s X’s mommy, remember? Why not just invite the children?’

MrsEricBana · 19/10/2018 12:10

Easy one this OP. Don't invite the teachers (inappropriate) and neither invite the girl not accept her invitation.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 19/10/2018 12:17

Ywbvu to go to this girls party but then decline to invite her because your son doesn’t like her.
It will depend on cultural norms about the teachers I guess. In the uk it would be an absolute no Andrew pointless to put them in a situation where they have to decline.

Mascarponeandwine · 19/10/2018 12:24

No to teachers, never heard of that. Would they have to go on the soft play/join in party games/bouncy castle with the kids?? Sit at the little table for party tea?

No to the girl too. I’ve never done a whole class party, don’t see the point as there’s always been a couple of kids that my kids don’t like. What’s the point? In life we gravitate to those we like, and move on from those we have no bond with. My kids have not made the cut for other parties of 10 or so kids which is also absolutely fine. Surely that’s just the way life goes?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2018 12:46

Unless I've missed it, you haven't said if your ds will be attending her party? She either hits and he doesn't want to play with her, or she doesn't. I don't think you can have it both ways.

Alfie19 · 19/10/2018 12:56

I don't think you should invite the teachers, that is just very weird.

I think if your son was inviting the other 22 pupils and not this girl, you should over rule him and invite her, but as he is only having a few friends I can think of no reason at all why you would need to. If he dislikes her so much though, then he probably shouldn't go to her party.

MumW · 19/10/2018 13:02

Inviting teachers is inappropriate unless their child is a friend.

If DS is upset, tell him he can take the teachers a slice of birthday cake.

AlphaBravo · 19/10/2018 13:26

Why would you invite teachers to a kids party? How weird.

crimsonlake · 19/10/2018 14:28

It is not unusual for such little ones not to understand that the teacher is not their friend, but is the teacher and there to teach and that is there job. It is easy to explain in a way they would understand.

CoughLaughFart · 19/10/2018 18:09

Why would you invite teachers to a kids party? How weird.

For fuck’s sake, it was the suggestion of a five year-old.

XiCi · 19/10/2018 19:40

Where are you OP? Most UK kids have whole class parties in nursery and reception and it would be unheard of to invite teachers. Also not usual for the adults to enjoy attending a kids party Grin

It is not usual to do whole-class parties here (no one's back yard is big enough!
Most parents will book a hall/soft play centre/ cinema /bowling / farm day etc etc not have 30 kids running riot in a back yard!!

dobbythedoggy · 19/10/2018 19:59

Dd wanted to invite her lovely teachers and ta to her party. We have promised them a slice if birthday cake each instead.

Jamhandprints · 19/10/2018 20:16

What country are you in OP? I think you have to go with the culture there because that's more important than what a group of English mums would do.