AIBU to consider having another child in these circumstances?

[PoorMe123]

I hope no one minds; I posted in chat but I've had a fairly small response and this is obviously a big decision so looking for lots of feedback.

I'm a SAHM. DH & I make ends meet and have 2 DC. We've had a particularly expensive couple of years which has left us with some small debts which we are managing and will have cleared soon. We don't have any savings and are 30. Once our DC are in school I will work again and we'll have more spare cash to get savings together. We don't own our house.

If we're going to have another DC, now is the time. If we wait & I get back into work, then it's just more time off down the line & paying for childcare etc. If we have one now, we will have them all in school by the time I'm 35 so still plenty of time for me to have a good career.

Just to make sure I'm giving you all the information, DH will get 50k around the time he turns 40 (don't want to elaborate and out myself) so we will have some money coming our way in the next 10 years. Also we'd be buying in either Scotland or the North of England where home ownership isn't so expensive.

Would we be foolish to have another child in these circumstances? DH & I would both love another child and a sibling for our existing DC.

No savings, and debts. How exactly do you plan to buy before you get the 50k payout?

Can't say if YABU, but I personally wouldn't plan any more children at this time!

I'm a SAHM. DH & I make ends meet and have 2 DC.

How does your dh feel about working FT while you stay at home all to just 'make ends meet'? Despite him working, he has debt and doesn't own a home. I think you need to separate biological longing from reality here.

I wouldn't put myself or my kids at risk financially or otherwise to add another into the mix. I'd be aiming to get back to work ASAP and getting myself a salary and pension.

Be grateful for what you have and look forward to aiming to providing a home and financial support to the two you do have.

A friend of mine said the jump from 1 to 2 kids was fine but the jump from 2 to 3 was massive in terms of finances.

Holidays are much more expensive, they had to change car for a much bigger one to take 3 x child seats, childcare and school dinner costs, activities and birthdays and Christmas's.

With age comes wisdom, no one wants to think about the worst case scenario but since you're asking advice then that's what people will ask you to consider. A disabled child, a marriage breakdown, serious illness affecting yourself or your husband?

Would your existing two kids really benefit from another sibling? I grew up with three others and none are in touch with each other. Things were really tight and we never got any new things, everything was second hand and not 'current', never taken to swimming as there was too many of us for safety /costs, no decent holidays, no foreign travel.

I'd have preferred my parents stopped at one or two kids and offered us a better life instead of breeding more people they had nothing much to offer.

I think you must be having doubts if you're posting here otherwise you would be going ahead ttc no 3 already.

Listen to your gut.

It sounds like you haven’t worked before other than the admin at your brother’s company.

Where are you getting that from? I had a very successful career in recruitment and also in sales. I was the youngest recruitment consultant in the huge UK wide company I worked for.

I'm pretty sure I could work my way up in any future job. I'm very hard working and seem to do particularly well in a sales environment.

The little bits of admin I do just now is just for some extra pocket money and also, DB's company will give me a good reference when the time comes for me to work FT again. The company are also relevant to my previous employment history so my CV will flow very nicely. It's all been well thought out.

2 kids is enough for the planet. You’ve won the lottery having two happy healthy children, cash out now.

I think your priority should be to clear your debts, then reevaluate whether or not to have another.

You can still work and be productive with 2 children though and improve your situation now and not in years to come. Then you would be more secure to have another child.

Many people rely on future inheritance and this is not guaranteed either.

Personally, I wouldn't have another child in your current position.
You have two already which is lovely however, debts, no savings and only one pension says to me that you are not in a secure financial position.

If it were me, I would look to going back to work and clearing the debts/getting some savings together. Then you could take maternity leave and go back after that. Yes, childcare costs but it is for a relatively short time and then you get the benefits of your salary.

You're only 30 so you have time to sort the finances and then have another baby.

SleepySofa so true. When kids stop requiring money, space and time to raise properly then people can stop considering before they have them whether they are able to provide or not. I’m astonished that there are people who don’t weight these things up.

my mum said you only ever regret the children you didn't have.

Having done the sort of work that exposes me to the deepest thoughts and feelings and regrets people are too ashamed to share with every Tom dick and Harry, I can promise you your mum is wrong (and worryingly lacking in imagination if she thinks her experience can be mapped onto every other parent).

I would absolutely have another child if I wanted one and was able. I have 4 lovely children. They are very expensive. You will know that as any parent would but I wouldn’t have it any other way and I would not even have contemplated trying to figure out if I could afford one. I however had 2 of my children when I was at university and continued with my studies and only took 6 months off my work for numbers 3 and 4 so I continued earning. With 1 and 2 I got no maternity benefits because I was at university. With 3 I had statutory mat pay. With number 4 I had full pay whilst on maternity leave. Although I never figured out if I could afford any of them stopping work was never an option for me. If it was down to money and convenience no one would ever have children lol!!! Go for it. I don’t mean to be rude either but you’re not getting any younger.

You're in debt and have no savings, I think it would be irresponsible to have a third child in that situation. How will you make ends meet without getting further into debt? Will you be able to provide the others with a good standard of living, to put money aside for their futures? Do you have family who can provide free childcare or will you have to wait for funded hours to go back to work?

I think it would be better to find a full time job, advance your career, clear the debts and be in a good financial place before trying for a third. 50k won't go far.

Lots of people can't afford a third, much as they would like one. You need to think about the financial impact on the two you already have.

I don’t know if you’ve answered this yet, I couldn’t see that you had despite lots of people asking it:

But how do you think you’re going to get a mortgage before this £50k windfall in a decade? (And you have no guarantee you’ll still be with your husband then)

You have NO savings, no cushion, and even worse you’re in debt. You call it ‘small debt’ but it’s a bit of an oxymoron cos let’s face it, if you can’t pay it off it’s too large isn’t it?

You don’t have enough money to raise the two you have, so spreading that amount even thinner by adding a third mouth to feed would be grossly unfair to your existing kids.

It’s not pleasant to admit, but as a parent you have to put the needs of your kids first, not your own baby fever. You clearly know this or you’d be TTC already not looking on here hoping for some validation that you should go ahead.

What does your husband think btw? He’s already supporting four humans on his one salary.

No, and I think you’d be very irresponsible to do so.

You are carrying debt, have no savings, have no pension, and live in rented accommodation. You will have been out of the work place for around eight years by the time you are 35 and I’m not sure how much very part time working for family will boost your cv so I think you would be wise to underestimate what your future income might be. Financially you are not in the strongest position.

Are you planning to use the £50,000 as a deposit for a house? Are you planning to take the mortgage out over less than 25 years? If it’s possible it would be more comfortable to finish paying the mortgage before you are in your sixties so you can think about cutting back work hours if you need to.

If you are planning to start your pension between the ages of 35 and 40 you need to factor in saving between 15%-20% of your monthly income for that alone.

Having more children and banking on love being enough to get you all through doesn’t seem very wise. A family of four living in comfortable circumstances and having more choices as a result seems more sensible than a family of five struggling.

2 kids is enough for the planet. You’ve won the lottery having two happy healthy children

Both these are fair points to consider.

I'm shocked you claimed to have worked in recruitment yet think doing the odd but of admin at your brothers company in the current employment climate is likely to mean you'll get a job at all - let alone one that pays well, is flexible for family life and will enable you to start building a pension/buy a house etc!

You sound incredibly naive and detached from the reality of the current job market!

OP ignore the negative posts on here. You appear to be in s happy stable relationship which is the most important consideration as far as I’m concerned. If you want a baby just go for it. Don’t doubt your decision. You know what’s right for you and your family.

And how long will that relationship stay happy and stable if they're in financial straits because they've got another child to support? It's all very well to say love will be enough but it really isn't.

There’s no way of telling. That’s the beauty of life. Not having a crystal ball. Her career is non existent at the moment so she might as well go for it before she gets older and regrets not doing it now. Just my opinion.

Are people really naive to think that love is all a child needs?

OP if your husband was unable to work for a couple of months how would you manage? It really is worth planning for the unknown.

You don’t need a crystal ball to predict that three children will cost more than two, and that if you’re in a poor financial situation, having another child won’t make things easier. You can spout fluffy trite platitudes about the beauty of life all you like but that doesn’t change those essential facts. Obviously nothing can be guaranteed but you can certainly attempt to minimise your risk as much as possible by making wise decisions. Just my opinion.

Some posts may be negative but at least they are truthful. The OP is being very selfish.

"The only children you regret are the ones you don't have". Never heard such blocks. Lots of women (and men) regret having children.

If we all listened to our 'biological urges' we'd all have more children than we could afford to keep.