AIBU to consider having another child in these circumstances?

[PoorMe123]

I hope no one minds; I posted in chat but I've had a fairly small response and this is obviously a big decision so looking for lots of feedback.

I'm a SAHM. DH & I make ends meet and have 2 DC. We've had a particularly expensive couple of years which has left us with some small debts which we are managing and will have cleared soon. We don't have any savings and are 30. Once our DC are in school I will work again and we'll have more spare cash to get savings together. We don't own our house.

If we're going to have another DC, now is the time. If we wait & I get back into work, then it's just more time off down the line & paying for childcare etc. If we have one now, we will have them all in school by the time I'm 35 so still plenty of time for me to have a good career.

Just to make sure I'm giving you all the information, DH will get 50k around the time he turns 40 (don't want to elaborate and out myself) so we will have some money coming our way in the next 10 years. Also we'd be buying in either Scotland or the North of England where home ownership isn't so expensive.

Would we be foolish to have another child in these circumstances? DH & I would both love another child and a sibling for our existing DC.

Also you would need a deposit for the house some lenders might consider higher deposits like 15-30% of the house as the years go up. House prices are constantly going up too..

We would fully intend to be home owners long before getting the 50k. As I said I was considering the absolute worst case scenario. Also, DH is in a very secure job within the public sector.

No job is secure nowadays.

"You cannot afford the two you have"

In what way can she not afford her existing two children?

No job is secure nowadays.

In the 10 years I've been with DH, I've never known one single colleague of his to lose their job. His is about as secure as it gets.

Misfortune can obviously darken anyone's door but you can't base your entire future on the possibility. You'd never do anything if that were the case. The interesting thing is, often redundancies etc can lead you to something better. I've seen it happen many, many tines.

There is no way given your financial constraints even consider another child. The chances of you owning your own home or ever being comfortable financially diminish with every child. It will almost certainly push you into debt in the short term, I would focus on providing a better life and future for the children you already have.

Hi op, there is never a right time to have a child in my opinion.
Something crops up, a huge bill comes etc.
What do you do? Put it off forever?

Your reasons are sound in that you want to have it all done and dusted and back to the workplace by the time you are 35.
I ask you this kindly, do you have 2 children of the same sex? just wondering if that ( if the case ) is making you want a third?
Apologies if I'm way off of course.

I have friends in that situation who had 2dc of the same sex and wanted one of the other.
Ended up with 4 beautiful boys!

I would hardly say you're on the breadline.
Do you have stuff you could use again? Moses basket etc?
You may regret not having a third forever so if you want to then do it :)

Misfortune can obviously darken anyone's door

It is not misfortune, it is life.

Redundancies, major health problems, bereavement, affairs and family breakdown and challenging situations happen every single day to thousands of families. Many do not go on to something ''better'' many simply go under.

You seem to just want encouragement to go ahead with the third child without really listening to the posts that tell you that you are compromising your other children and their future. Why ask if you have already decided?

If I had a £ for every person I know who thought they had a "very secure job", I'd be a rich woman.

Mostly that 'need' to have more babies is hormonal, and will wear off, as it did in my case. You should wait for four to five years and see how you feel then.

I am really glad we did not go ahead with a third baby if I am totally honest, it is a huge relief we only have two dc to consider.
In between ill parents and feeling squeezed in every direction, job and money worries, health problems and increasingly demanding school life of my own two dc we have just about managed. This is not unusual as most of my friends are in the same position. You are in the easy stages now in my view.

It is over optimistic to think your life will magically get better, more money will pour in and things will be easier in a few years, in my experience this is simply not the case for most people, as you will see as you get older.

I genuinely can’t understand people who actively make decisions which will make them poorer and make their lives harder. Children get more expensive as they get older. Don’t you want to help give them opportunities e.g. help fund uni, school trips?

A lot seems to be riding going on this £50k in ten years. How is this money guaranteed? I’ve never heard of money being guaranteed years in advance? Has someone promised you something in their will and they’ve been given ten years to live?

Also your husbands job is definitely not guaranteed and if the economy gets worse post-Brexit, the public sector will be cutback even more.

What ages are your DC? Would it make sense financially for you to maybe start working for your brothers company a few days a week (or can you do some eveing work or work from home?) now and putting all money generated by this aside to clear debt and get started saving for a deposit?

If you really don't want to do this can you take on a course now that is likely to up to your salary when you do go back to work? Is there something you can do to be higher up in your brothers company when you start working for him?

I usually advise people to have that last baby if they want it and they are able to provide a warm and loving home.

A few things to consider though....I mentioned your brothers company earlier because as a working mum you are likely to either need wrap around childcare and to pay a fortune over the school holidays for additional childcare and summer schemes etc, or a job with really excellent flexibility that lets you be available for every school holiday, early finish and exceptional closure day. Can your brothers company provide that flexibility (I'm assuming it's your best shot as there aren't a lot of companies out there who can offer this). Or do you have really good family support that you are positive you can rely on to help over the holidays?

In my experience although childcare costs lessened when my DS started school they didn't reduce by anywhere near what i was expecting. I would try and workout exactly what your financial position would be with 2 kids in school (maybe go to citizens advice?), just to help you realistically plan for the future. You don't want to rely too much on all this extra money bring freed up that doesntnreally materialise.

It sounds like you're being sensible and are happy to move to a cheaper area to be able to afford to buy. Are you living there now to save on rent put down roots? What are your plans for your future career once you move? Can you still work for your brother?

Make sure when you're planning for a house that you take into consideration all the expenses of solicitors fees, arrangement fees, stamp duty (depending on purchase price).

Have you sat down and really thoroughly looked at all you have coming in and going out and drawn up a budget? You would be surprised how much money a family can waste a month. Prioritise clearing all debts and start saving for the deposit now. If you did that how long do you think it would be before you were on the property ladder?

It does seem quite plain you have already decided that you should have another child, even though your finances don't look that great. You currently have no savings and some debts, yet expect to have your own home before the 50K materialises. Any mortgage will have to be based on your DH's income only, and from that you will have to find a home that will house your three kids adequately for some time. House purchase is an expensive business, so you don't want to be doing it again in a few years because you have outgrown it.

What if you have twins? Is four children still manageable? That's four lots of school shoes, four lots of school trips, four lots of school uniform - bigger car, bigger house, bigger bills...

I wouldn't do it in the circumstances you describe, but it does seem like you have decided already anyway.

I wouldn't have a 3rd child under these circumstances, I don't think it's fair to your family to put additional financial strain on the family.

As the parent of teens I can say that teens cost a whole lot more than younger DC, the expensive years are yet to come.

Definitely not.

You aren't even earning the 50k now or any time soon. How are you expecting to save for a mortgage, pension, savings for you and savings for the current kids (for uni or a deposit) with the little you are currently on?

i would and infact did in similar circumstances, you make it work, there's no good time to have a baby, I'd go for it.

I don't know if I've made it clear in my previous posts because some people seem to have missed the fact that I'll be getting back into work when I'm 35. That's 5 years before we get the 50k and should give us the extra to be able to comfortably buy in the area we want to live in.

It seems like you know what you want to do op. It's your decision, not strangers on the internet.

I wouldn’t do it. DP and I own our own house (with mortgage) and bring in around 95k per year, and even we are thinking seriously about how many children we can realistically have. One the other hand, the vicar who married my parents told them never to wait until you can afford to have children, as if you do, you’ll never feel you can afford it. They took his advice, and we were quite poor growing up -which is one reason I’m inclined to think we can’t afford another child.

@PoorMe123
How much salary are you realistically going to have after covering 3 sets of childcare and summer holiday clubs for all 3? If you aren't likely to have any spare money after that then we can discount your earnings in regards to being able to save/get a mortgage/etc.

OP I don't want to come across as cheeky, but I didn't pick up on you going back to work and asked you some specific questions around it. It's ok if you don't want to answer them online, but I just wanted to make you aware that going back to work can also be expensive in its own way.

We had an accidental third child. I had no idea how we would financially cope, but we are. Money is tight but we live fine, kids don't go without. Ok, no hugely expensive holidays and some of their presents are second hand. We are still going and will have time as they grow to save etc when they are a bit bigger. If you want a third I'd say go for it. No one would live if every worst case scenario was constantly worried about

£50k at 40 won’t make it easy to get on the property ladder will it, taking into account that the mortgage term will only be 20 odd years by then?

I think you’re better off focusing on what you can earn between going back to work and then. Have you worked out what you are likely to have between you for those years after childcare?

Honestly it sounds like a stretch to me, and as someone has said, no pension and big reliance on DH.

What's your plan for getting back into work? You're unlikely to walk into a part time school hours job so will probably end up needing childcare. If you've been out of the workforce for a while (ad-hoc work at your brother's firm may plug a gap on your CV but you may well be going for the same jobs as folks with way more experience) you won't be earning a lot - and childcare for 3 young primary children can mount up and will leave you with not much net income! Actually I'd say early primary is the worst age for juggling in terms of covering illness/holidays/school events etc. Is your DH's job flexible enough for him to take his share of covering these plus drop offs and pick ups?

I also note that you've incurred debts due to an "expensive couple of years" and have no savings. And that's with 2 pre-school children - the cheapest time with children! Unfortunately you can almost expect unexpected expenses, and there is no give in your finances to cope with this.

Bluntly in your position, I suspect that, financially, having an extra child will in practice mean giving up on the idea of owning your own house. Depends which is more important to you.

I would have said yes to a first or second child in such precarious financial circumstances, but a third seems daft.

You are only just making ends meet and a third child is expensive, with inevitable compromises down the line that will impact your existing children.

You're in debt and live in rented accommodation, without any pension or retirement planning of your own. You have a plan to address all of that but it all hinges on nothing going wrong. I can't imagine why throwing a third baby into the mix would seem like a good idea.