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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Referred for Safeguarding - very stressed

86 replies

VanillaBeans · 18/10/2018 18:03

Hi,

I’m posting here for traffic and not a bashing so please bear in mind that I’m doing my best here. My children are well lived, fed, looked after and have lots of nice experiences in life, with parents and relatives who love them very much.

However, I’ve recently become a single parent and one of the reasons, well the reason, is because my partner (the father of my 2 children) became addicted to medication and has been very unwell. It’s been a really stressful time and I’ve had to work full time, come back from maternity leave early to pick up the slack and make sure we had money (which is still what I have to do) this, along with the fact that we don’t get lot our post due to a slightly unusual housing setup, means the children have missed some appointments.

Even when we did have the letters I’d be at work during appointment times and this meant I’d have to rely on my partner to make the appointments which unfortunately did not really happen beyond. I am referring to the later immunisation appointments for my son who is under a year, as well as his 12 month appointment (which is not overdue yet) and my DD’s 2 year review - which actually, was a home visit, I had just moved, I filled out the forms and waited in and no one ever showed up.

I actually didn’t know and had read previously that these appointments, particularly the immunisations, weren’t mandatory. Anyway, I received a letter today saying my children (nearly 1 and 3) have been referred to something called MASH.

I’m really distressed by this. I love my children more than anything, they are my reason for existing and everything I do and have done is for them. I also had a bad experience with both the midwife who helped me give birth to my first child and the health visitor who visited me when my DD was born; I was 21 when she was born and the HV was awful and patronising to me and made me feel really on edge and upset.

I feel like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not on top of things, I’m fine day to day but this pressure has sent me over what I feel I can deal emotionally with right now. I just can’t stop thinking that if I get the wrong person it could result in them thinking I’m some kind of neglectful mum and try to take some sort of action against me.

Please help - my question is does anyone have any experience with these referrals? Was everything okay? What is the process? The letter literally just says I have been referred and offers no further detail. :/

OP posts:

kazillionaire · 18/10/2018 18:07

I can't see that missing the appointments would be enough for a MASH referral, has nobody telephoned you to ask why you haven't attended? It seems like overkill on someone's part to have that referral

GreenLantern53 · 18/10/2018 18:07

I doubt those are the reasons you were referred? for missing appointments? I never done any of my childrens 1 or 2 year checks, never got referred.

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:10

Oh don’t worry OP, it’ll be a standard thing, if kids have a pattern of missed appointments and/or there’s some kind of flag re one of their parents being dependent on substances they get automatically notified.

You’ll likely get a social worker who’ll come round, see you and the kids, ask questions, you can explain why you’ve missed the appointments/what you’ve done to rectify this (how you’ll make sure you don’t miss anymore and whether you’ve rebooked and attended them) and how you’re coping/what steps you’ve taken to ensure the kids aren’t at risk from their father.

Social services are really stretched, trust me, they see kids in much worse situations and sign them off because their threshold for intervention is so high. They’ll be able to see you’re a lovely mum who cares for them and either offer support if there’s anything they can help with or sign you off for no further action/maybe a period of monitoring just to be on the safe side.

It’s really not unusual and as long as you cooperate you’ll be fine. I know it’s hard when it’s about you, and there’s such a lot of scaremongering in the papers about social services, but really it’s a good thing it’s been noticed as imagine other children who don’t have a lovely mum like you who’ve been kept from appointments or are at risk, this might mean sometimes good parents are flagged too but it’s much better overall for all children we have these systems in place. Try and see if that way and approach it with a ‘oh of course I understand why you have to check, I know it’s for the best overall for all children’, though you can of course share your fears and concerns too.

You sound great and the social worker will see that. You can ring the MASH if you like and ask what the next steps are/when to expect a visit and take some control. It shows you care and are engaged too. X

LimeCake · 18/10/2018 18:13

It’s an incredibly high bar to clear to have any kind of ‘action’ taken against you, and where possible and safe social services always, always seek to keep kids with their families as it’s what is best for them (and it’s incredibly expensive to remove children, not to mention traumatic). You’re light years away from that. Nothing like that is going to happen unless there’s a lot more stuff going on you’ve not said here.

They should be able to tell you what’s led to the referral too, if you are unsure whether the missed appointments were enough or not.

Original poster

VanillaBeans · 18/10/2018 18:13

The letter literally says the reasons on it, I can take a picture to show but I’d rather not because it shows the area I live. I will quote it here though; I promise you I am not hiding anything as I’m looking for advice specific to this situation:

The Health Visiting service has tried on many occasions to make contact with you and your family to provide the Healthy Child programme for [DD] and [DS]

(Then it goes on to say I’ve missed his appointments after his first immunisation and that DD hasn’t been seen since her 12 month review.) Then is days:

Because of the number of non-attended appointments and no access visits we are making a referral to MASH the multi-agency safeguarding hub to see if there is any way we can support your family.

(Then it gives me a number to call)

Am I wrong in thinking this seems to much? Also I have an up to date mobile number with my GP and nobody has tried to call me.

OP posts:

Original poster

VanillaBeans · 18/10/2018 18:15

JessieLemon thank you so much that is very reassuring

I have to start putting them to bed now but I will check back replies later, thanks for any responses

OP posts:

Original poster

VanillaBeans · 18/10/2018 18:15

Sorry I have cross posted with a lot of posters thanks so much I will read them a little later

OP posts:

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:16

No it seems fine.

It’s a standardised thing OP. Don’t worry about it. You’ll have a visit to check how things are. Remember, for all they know a kid that hasn’t been seen for a while and has missed appointments could have had anything happen to them.

GreenLantern53 · 18/10/2018 18:16

I havent seen my hv since my dd was 6 weeks old so seems bizarre to me

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:17

You’re welcome. I hope it has put your mind at rest. I imagine it’s a real shock, most parents would feel terrified and angry and like a failure, but when you think it through and get a bit more info you’ll realise it doesn’t necessitate any of that and it’ll all be resolved quickly.

HugAndRoll · 18/10/2018 18:17

I didn't want to read and run, but I don't have experience of this. I do, however, have a thought, but please don't take it as 'gospel':

Does your GP surgery know your partner is addicted to medication? If so, they may not have a record of your separation, and addiction (regardless of whether it's to lawful or unlawful substances) plus missing important appointments would, in my mind, be a major red flag.

Now, I have had serious mental health difficulties in the past (while undiagnosed with autism and ADHD) and have attempted suicide and was self-harming daily a few years ago. At one point the crisis team and A&E had to do a referral to social services because I'm a single mum, both my children have disabilities, and they needed to make sure I was able to look after them. I was spoken to once, and the case was closed because the evidence showed the children were (and are) well cared for. As you mention this is the case in your family, I would be optimistic that they're just doing a wellbeing check, and that it's not anything to be hugely concerned about.

Social services get a lot of bad press, but they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. In my mind, I'd rather a social worker visit a family unnecessarily than ignore a concern and the next 'Baby P' is in the news. (Please don't think I'm suggesting this is your family, but they don't know that until they come and visit you.)

Do you have any real life support?

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:18

PS different localities will have different thresholds for safeguarding referrals so other people who’ve missed appointments and not been referred aren’t necessarily relevant if that makes sense.

Bluewidow · 18/10/2018 18:20

Just call the number e plain the situation and see what they say. Get the appointments booked in.

IStandWithPosie · 18/10/2018 18:22

OP you have done. I thing wrong so please do not feel like a bad mother.

Email the contact on the letter and thank them for their letter dated X wrt referral to MASH and then say that no support is required at this time. Say that if they wish to discuss this further they can contact you via email at this address.

You do NOT have to accept a visit from anyone at MASH or social services unless they have an order that permits them to enter your home. You don’t have to entertain this at all. Politely decline their offer of support.

IStandWithPosie · 18/10/2018 18:24

nothing wrong!

GreenLantern53 · 18/10/2018 18:26

Ive always heard that declining makes you look suspicious and they can up it to child protection?

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:26

IStandWithPosie’s advice is a sure fire way to escalate their concerns and make this more serious in their eyes. What would a parent who is abusing their child do? They’d do what they could to avoid SS seeing them, try dodge them, be prickly about it.

Someone with nothing to hide might be upset and worried but they won’t be finding the confidence and nous to respond as if it’s an equal power dynamic basically saying ‘you can come if you get a court order’ (which is exactly what they’ll do as guidelines state they NEED to come and check/see your child, whether that’s the easy way or the difficult way).

Imagine trying to explain why you’re responding like IStandWithPosie says without looking guilty?

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:27

Yes it does, GreenLantern53

OP could try it but there’s no need. She’ll only make the situation worse.

Inebriatededna · 18/10/2018 18:31

Just look at it from the point of view if children haven’t been seen by any health professionals for a while they just need to check they are ok and the questions that would be asked if they didn’t and something were to happen .

Sleephead1 · 18/10/2018 18:33

Hi op I understand why you would be worried but I would try and ring and soeak to them. I work in a doctor's only doing admin but I do know if children aren't brought to hospital or doctors appointments they code that I'm not 100 % sure why but I guess they monitor it. The thing you said about access visit I believe is if it has been flagged as a problem I believe the health visitor can just call around. Again not 100% sure but it's a unscheduled visit so maybe they have tried to do this and you havnt been in. It sounds like you have had a very hard time recently I hope you find them supportive and helpful.

ashtrayheart · 18/10/2018 18:33

I was referred a few years ago as we were a family with several agencies involved (mental health, my ex had a safeguarding referral in, daughter with issues) and it really was just a chat from a child - I knew more then her to check if there was anything they could do. Actually there was but they didn't do any of it!!
But as they didn't have any safeguarding concerns for my children they closed the case.
All the serious case reviews showed children who had slipped though the net and not engaged with agencies who hadn't followed things up. I'm glad when things are looked into.

AamdC · 18/10/2018 18:35

I know social services are damned if they do amd damned if they dont but i thought you didnt jhave to engage with health visitor'setc at all or even have your children immunised if you dont want , not that im suggesting you dont!

Mintychoc1 · 18/10/2018 18:37

OP it sounds like your life is very tricky, why wouldn’t you want some help?

IStandWithPosie · 18/10/2018 18:38

Ive always heard that declining makes you look suspicious and they can up it to child protection?

You’ve heard that from social services? I’ve experience with social services. My own social worker told me I could decline their visits and refuse any support I didn’t want.

LimeCake · 18/10/2018 18:38

and it really was just a chat from a child - I knew more then her to check if there was anything they could do

All social workers have studied for a minimum of two years at Masters level or three years at undergrad level (barring the new frontline SWs coming through who’ve had prior relevant experience), have passed a rigorous course of study and are professionally registered. So it seems a bit snotty to refer to one as a ‘child’ because they were younger than you

But you do you.

And no, I’m not one.

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