Referred for Safeguarding - very stressed

[VanillaBeans]

Hi,

I’m posting here for traffic and not a bashing so please bear in mind that I’m doing my best here. My children are well lived, fed, looked after and have lots of nice experiences in life, with parents and relatives who love them very much.

However, I’ve recently become a single parent and one of the reasons, well the reason, is because my partner (the father of my 2 children) became addicted to medication and has been very unwell. It’s been a really stressful time and I’ve had to work full time, come back from maternity leave early to pick up the slack and make sure we had money (which is still what I have to do) this, along with the fact that we don’t get lot our post due to a slightly unusual housing setup, means the children have missed some appointments.

Even when we did have the letters I’d be at work during appointment times and this meant I’d have to rely on my partner to make the appointments which unfortunately did not really happen beyond. I am referring to the later immunisation appointments for my son who is under a year, as well as his 12 month appointment (which is not overdue yet) and my DD’s 2 year review - which actually, was a home visit, I had just moved, I filled out the forms and waited in and no one ever showed up.

I actually didn’t know and had read previously that these appointments, particularly the immunisations, weren’t mandatory. Anyway, I received a letter today saying my children (nearly 1 and 3) have been referred to something called MASH.

I’m really distressed by this. I love my children more than anything, they are my reason for existing and everything I do and have done is for them. I also had a bad experience with both the midwife who helped me give birth to my first child and the health visitor who visited me when my DD was born; I was 21 when she was born and the HV was awful and patronising to me and made me feel really on edge and upset.

I feel like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not on top of things, I’m fine day to day but this pressure has sent me over what I feel I can deal emotionally with right now. I just can’t stop thinking that if I get the wrong person it could result in them thinking I’m some kind of neglectful mum and try to take some sort of action against me.

Please help - my question is does anyone have any experience with these referrals? Was everything okay? What is the process? The letter literally just says I have been referred and offers no further detail. :/

Vanilla Beans, this isn't really relevant to your op, but can I ask what made you decide to leave your ex? Yep u don't have to answer of course...
My husband abuses alcohol, I don't know whether he is an alcoholic but his drinking causes problems i.e. he gets into debt spending family money on drink, he drinks while in charge of my daughter, he drinks too much, too much of the time and although he has stopped drink driving since I blew up at him about it, I am always on edge that this will recur... He is not violent, aggressive or falling down drunk however. He generally functions well and has a job etc, plays with daughter, is an active and loving parent. I am utterly torn as to whether it would be best to leave or best to stay and hope he gets help. What helped you make the decision?

Again, of course you don't have to answer.

Well done, glad it's sorted. I do find it comforting that when things go a little haywire there are people there who can help if you need it.

I don't see the problem

You need support and they offering to support you, why not see if there is something they can help with?

Glad you're feeling better after talking to them.

I nearly had similar years ago. We moved house when dd was 2yo. We registered at the new village GP. But she was never ill, so I never took her to the GP or HV. We declined MMR because I paid for single jabs (this was at the height of the mmr scare and I told the GP surgery what we were doing).

Then when dd was about 5yo/6yo I rang for advice about bed wetting at night. HV rang back and nearly had a fit. She didn't know about us, didn't know dd was in the village. Apparantly dd's HV care should have been transferred automatically when we registered with the new GP but this hadn't happened - not my fault.

She insisted on coming to our house to do a welfare check and said if I declined this then she'd have to ring SS. I pointed out dd goes to school and there's no safeguarding concerns but she insisted.

So I can believe missing some appts can trigger stuff like this.

So I can believe missing some appts can trigger stuff like this.

Each locality has different rules.

But thank god it does.

Well yes. I was surprised by what happened but I would much rather 10 people have a visit/check which wasn't really needed than have 1 child not be checked on who did need to be checked.

I declined my sons 2 year check and the HV team who i last seen when he was 8 weeks old were fine with it. so depends on the area i guess.

TotHappy

I really sympathise with your circumstances are really similar to mine. My ex is also functioning despite addition - in fact it was easier for him to have his medication because without it he goes into withdrawal and it’s a nightmare for everyone.

This is actually what separated us and we had talked about it before. It might sound surprising but we did not split acrimoniously - I just knew and so did he that he would not be able to get better and beat his problem and still be a functioning and good dad to our kids. I also felt like I was enabling him as he didn’t have to seek help because I’d allow him to buy his stuff and although it’s not terribly expensive we don’t have much and it was still one of the biggest sources of tension.

So it’s not even that we don’t love each other and if one day I can trust him and he is more stable I would want to integrate him back into my life. But addiction makes anyone addicted inherently selfish as the number one priority in their life is their addiction, and it numbs them to normal life so it just can’t work if they don’t seek help by themselves.

There is conflicting advice online about issuing ultimatums to addicts but I have my children to think of and I just couldn’t bear neither facilitating him nor watching him go through withdrawal. Because of my constant support I also feel like he felt no incentive to seek the support he had been sign posted to.

You don’t have to leave forever. I would talk to your DH and if he is sympathetic and understanding about how hard his habit is making life for you and your DD and he listens, it’s worth working on. If he is dismissive or angry at your concerns I would absolutely be making steps to leave. Instability is not good for you or your DD.

I really hope you’re okay, and I would really recommend you speak to someone like Adfam who can offer support or even someone to talk things through. I’m also more than happy to PM you if you want to talk more as I know how hard it is x

Thank you so much Vanilla. I've read your response through three times now and I don't know what to say. I'm so grateful to you for sharing. I would like to PM you when I've got my head together a bit if you don't mind x

frankly I don’t think missing an appointment is cause for him not being able to care for them. It just means he is disorganised and needs things to be simple for him when he’s with them.

Is he really a "functioning and good dad" to the children then?

Or is it handy and cheap to have him available?

Sorry if I come across as harsh and nit picky, but I think you need to reassess trusting him with matters like getting a DC to the GP, and I hope he doesn't have the DCs for overnights or for any extended period of time.

TotHappy of course I don’t mind, hope you feel better soon xx