Referred for Safeguarding - very stressed

[VanillaBeans]

Hi,

I’m posting here for traffic and not a bashing so please bear in mind that I’m doing my best here. My children are well lived, fed, looked after and have lots of nice experiences in life, with parents and relatives who love them very much.

However, I’ve recently become a single parent and one of the reasons, well the reason, is because my partner (the father of my 2 children) became addicted to medication and has been very unwell. It’s been a really stressful time and I’ve had to work full time, come back from maternity leave early to pick up the slack and make sure we had money (which is still what I have to do) this, along with the fact that we don’t get lot our post due to a slightly unusual housing setup, means the children have missed some appointments.

Even when we did have the letters I’d be at work during appointment times and this meant I’d have to rely on my partner to make the appointments which unfortunately did not really happen beyond. I am referring to the later immunisation appointments for my son who is under a year, as well as his 12 month appointment (which is not overdue yet) and my DD’s 2 year review - which actually, was a home visit, I had just moved, I filled out the forms and waited in and no one ever showed up.

I actually didn’t know and had read previously that these appointments, particularly the immunisations, weren’t mandatory. Anyway, I received a letter today saying my children (nearly 1 and 3) have been referred to something called MASH.

I’m really distressed by this. I love my children more than anything, they are my reason for existing and everything I do and have done is for them. I also had a bad experience with both the midwife who helped me give birth to my first child and the health visitor who visited me when my DD was born; I was 21 when she was born and the HV was awful and patronising to me and made me feel really on edge and upset.

I feel like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not on top of things, I’m fine day to day but this pressure has sent me over what I feel I can deal emotionally with right now. I just can’t stop thinking that if I get the wrong person it could result in them thinking I’m some kind of neglectful mum and try to take some sort of action against me.

Please help - my question is does anyone have any experience with these referrals? Was everything okay? What is the process? The letter literally just says I have been referred and offers no further detail. :/

Whatever you do OP, do it all via email. Not phone. Keep a paper trail of every interaction.

I know social services are damned if they do amd damned if they dont but i thought you didnt jhave to engage with health visitor'setc at all or even have your children immunised if you dont want , not that im suggesting you dont!

I guess there’s a difference between active refusal, I.e. contacting to decline an appointment and giving your reasons, rather than just not showing up when they expect you to. If they’ve had no contact to say you’re not going to immunise your children/see a HV then it’ll go down as a ‘no show’ (the current terminology is to record it as the child not being brought rather than a did not attend as obviously the child can’t go alone!).

The easiest way to deal with this is to speak to your GP and make appointments for the missing immunisations and checks. Explain that you accept you dropped the ball and that you want to put it right. If you are visited explain truthfully that you have had to return to work early due to financial pressures and that you have consequently missed some appointments in error.

If this is the cause of the referral, you won't be bothered further. Social services have much more pressing cases to deal with.

This won’t be about a couple of missed appointments. It will be due to consistent failure to engage with healthcare services, despite them contacting you, combined with knowledge of your husband’s drug addiction.
Don’t worry OP, in these days of negligible social services funding, you have to practically kill your kids before they’re taken away.

And that paints a more chaotic, disorganised picture than a parent getting in touch to say the appointments aren’t necessary IYSWIM.

Bearing in mind so many children who aren’t taken to appointments are in homes with domestic abuse, substance misuse and parents with mental health issues. Very chaotic.

IStandWithPosie No just what ive read online.

Although from my own personal experience, a malicious call was made about me to SS and although no concerns she wanted to do a ‘Team around child’ meeting with my childrens school because I have a daughter with a disability, even though I found out this meeting was supposedly voluntary she wouldnt take no for an answer, very forceful, as I didnt want to do the meeting, felt it wasnt needed. In the end I had to complain to her manager.

which is exactly what they’ll do as guidelines state they NEED to come and check/see your child, whether that’s the easy way or the difficult way).

Bollocks. They will not get a court order to come and see OPs children because she missed a 12 month immunisatins and a 2 year review. Especially when by the time they get in front of a judge OP will have already made appointments and possibly even attended appointments to have them done. Don’t be so ridiculous and scaremongering a frightened woman!

This honestly sounds like they are just checking that there is not more going on than meets the eye. So missing lots of appointments could be because the mother is drunk all the time, or the child are being battered and covered in bruises. So they just need to double check.

Co-operate. When they visit explain why they missed appointments and what you are doing so they don't miss any more. Is your partner looking after the kids while you work? If yes they will want to check he is able to do this. If they are in childcare that will be fine. They may ask to see where they sleep, the bathroom and kitchen. Don't panic. They will only be checking that everything is reasonably safe and cleanish. So no dog mess on floor, or signs of rats, that toilet works, that there is cleanish bedding on beds, that kind of thing. They will probably also just want to see the kids if they are not in childcare and check they look reasonably well looked after, not terrified of you, and not covered in bruises. If they are in childcare they will probably ring childcare to check your kids are fine.

They will talk about support, but don't hold your breath. You sound like you are managing to look after your kids fine, so there won't be any beyond telling you about the existence of a local charity or a childrens centre.

I was referred to SS because I had severe PND. They genuinely just wanted to see if they could support me. They were extremely helpful and kind, and referred me to some services which were very beneficial. No home "inspections" - they literally came in to one room, had a cup of tea and a chat, and went off again. Phoned me a few weeks later to see how I was and signed me off. Nothing to worry about and genuinely useful.

They don't want to take kids away. They want to help.

IStandWithPosie it’s hardly scaremongering, when the OP from the sounds of it has no plans to defensively act in the way you’re suggesting anyway. I could equally say you’re trying to cause unnecessary trouble/drama in OP’s situation by advising escalation when there’s a real, frightened woman behind the username.

OP can maker her own decisions re what to do, and I support whatever she thinks is best.

GreenLantern Team around the child is not always about safeguarding. It is about services working together to better support the child and making sure that they are getting access to all the services they need. According to guidelines all kids with disabilities would meet criteria to have this. The involved services basically have a meeting with a parent there, discuss the child's needs and what services are doing - and crucially whether what services are offering could be improved. Sometimes it is a tick box exercise, but if done well it can be genuinely useful.

Please cooperate. This is social services working how it’s meant to, to protect your children. They are currently quite keen on checking that children in families where there is addiction are safe, because of the lifelong consequences this can have for the children. I know this from personal experience and am grateful for eg social services calling to ensure my ex is not still living with us (because of hospital admissions he’s had). I’ve got over the feeling of failure now. It’s his addiction, not mine, and I’ve done my best to protect my children. Not that it was enough, in retrospect. But that’s hindsight for you.

social services did do a home inspection when they visited me, even asked to see the bathroom! but I guess it depends on what the nature of the referral.

They don't want to take kids away

This is true.

abacucat due to the stigma of having social services involved I didnt want to do it but she wouldnt take no for an answer, when I spoke to her manager the manager closed the case immediately.

@LimeCake actually I work for the council (adult social care) so I know how these things work and she was a social work assistant, not qualified. She was very nice, but I had to tell her things she didn't know. I felt a bit embarrassed for her.

OP im going to honestly say that I would feel exactly the same as you do. Well done for starting your new life, it sounds very tough

But, when you think about it this is exactly what you need. No one wants to admit struggling to cope but that’s what’s happening (and goodness, I’m on the brink of this with appointments all the time because when you work full time juggling them is a nightmare!)

So give them a call. Ask them what form their support takes. Can they help you meet these appointments whilst not jepardising work? Probably not, but it’s worth an ask. They have to be clear on how they can support

GreenLantern That is because team around the child is only allowed to happen if parents agree and take part. It may happen as part of safeguarding, but may have nothing to do with it.

Is there any concern about domestic abuse OP? Xxx

I could equally say you’re trying to cause unnecessary trouble/drama in OP’s situation

Really? You are accusing me of deliberately causing OP trouble?

Hello please can anyone give me advice caffcass want to talk to my 8 year old daughter what will they say to her , are you allowed in the room , what happens , I have no one to get advice from Thank - you for any reply’s .

Gather all the appointment letters together in chronogical order, and make a note on each letter whether you attended, which ones you arranged with DP that he would attend, whether the letter arrived after the appt, etc.

Explain your problem with the post, and what you have done to rectify it. Ask at all the different clinics if they send text reminders. These are incredibly useful.

They want you to engage with them. They just want your children to be safe and healthy. Don't be hostile or unco-operative. Hopefully, life will become calmer for you as you regain your confidence.

princess It all depends what their concerns are.

The keyword there is "support". Noone is out to criticise you but it recognising that you may be struggling. Have the meeting and discuss what may be on offer to help you cope and your dc thrive.

Are the children in nursery.while you are at work?

If the primary concern is that the children have not been seen for universal health services you could let them know they attend nursery.