Referred for Safeguarding - very stressed

[VanillaBeans]

Hi,

I’m posting here for traffic and not a bashing so please bear in mind that I’m doing my best here. My children are well lived, fed, looked after and have lots of nice experiences in life, with parents and relatives who love them very much.

However, I’ve recently become a single parent and one of the reasons, well the reason, is because my partner (the father of my 2 children) became addicted to medication and has been very unwell. It’s been a really stressful time and I’ve had to work full time, come back from maternity leave early to pick up the slack and make sure we had money (which is still what I have to do) this, along with the fact that we don’t get lot our post due to a slightly unusual housing setup, means the children have missed some appointments.

Even when we did have the letters I’d be at work during appointment times and this meant I’d have to rely on my partner to make the appointments which unfortunately did not really happen beyond. I am referring to the later immunisation appointments for my son who is under a year, as well as his 12 month appointment (which is not overdue yet) and my DD’s 2 year review - which actually, was a home visit, I had just moved, I filled out the forms and waited in and no one ever showed up.

I actually didn’t know and had read previously that these appointments, particularly the immunisations, weren’t mandatory. Anyway, I received a letter today saying my children (nearly 1 and 3) have been referred to something called MASH.

I’m really distressed by this. I love my children more than anything, they are my reason for existing and everything I do and have done is for them. I also had a bad experience with both the midwife who helped me give birth to my first child and the health visitor who visited me when my DD was born; I was 21 when she was born and the HV was awful and patronising to me and made me feel really on edge and upset.

I feel like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not on top of things, I’m fine day to day but this pressure has sent me over what I feel I can deal emotionally with right now. I just can’t stop thinking that if I get the wrong person it could result in them thinking I’m some kind of neglectful mum and try to take some sort of action against me.

Please help - my question is does anyone have any experience with these referrals? Was everything okay? What is the process? The letter literally just says I have been referred and offers no further detail. :/

We had social services in our lives for 18 months after my GS was put on child protection because his dad abused him so my GS and my daughter came to live with us while we worked with the agencies. Yes you can refuse to see them but I can guarantee that will go against you. WORK with them. They are most likely just wanting to make sure the children are ok and then they can maybe give you support. Not all social services is about child protection. That's an extreme example. Be totally honest too. Social services are stretched to their limit. Believe me we got to know our social worker well and knew they had cases coming out of their ears and although they didn't discuss any on going cases I do know of families that would were in a lot worse situations than yours and the children were never taken from them. They worked with the social services to help the families circumstances. If you've missed a lot of appointments then someone has flagged it up to someone and rightly so. I know you don't have to have vaccinations but it is best to attend appointments. Sorry it's so stressful for you. I can tell you I was terrified the whole 18 months even though they knew he was well protected with us but they always have to be cautious and make sure they've done all they can xxx

The reason you were referred is that they think you are deliberately avoiding taking your DS for visits and for jabs.

It is possible they think you are hiding abuse.

You need to show them not only that you have an unusual housing set up and that your post does not get delivered but that you have managed to find a way around this and will be up to speed ASAP.

How can you sort out your postal address and can the problem of not getting post be resolved?
Could you get a PO Box?

They may wonder, if you know about the issue with the post and you know the GP would be contacting you by post, why you wouldn't have contacted the GP or sought to fix the problem before it turned into a case of your DS missing appointments.

They may also wonder, if you know your DP has the problem he has, why you trusted him to get his act together and get DS to the doctor.

You need to show willingness to work with them and to (1) not let things like the postal problem slide, (2) accept that your DP is not going to be reliable, and possibly (3) participate honestly and in good faith in evaluating your DS's safety if he is going to be spending time with DP.

DO NOT turn down offers of support from SS.
Fix the postal problem.

Sorry don’t know how I’ve got on some ones thread 😦

We got a letter from our MASH once. It is very very frightening. I rang them immediately and though they couldn't tell me who had brought dd to their attention they to,d me why. We had a longish chat and then got a letter saying that after investigation there was no cause for concern. That was it.

Ring them, talk to them, tell them your circumstances. In my case, they were very approachable.

(Oh, should have refreshed my screen before clicking Post!)

Anyway, co-operate. You'll be fine.

Princess I would suggest starting your own post as comments will get lost in this one.

Op. Honestly, don't worry about it. Someone is looking out for your family that's all. Because of the high profile cases, this is a good thing to deter more of those. It's not because someone is suggesting you don't care or whatever, it's just someone has noticed there has been no interaction with medical people and they cannot sit back and say oh it will be fine, because of x,y and z reasons. They don't know why there has been no contact.

They are simply contacting you to meet and see if there is anything they can to do help. They can signpost other help and they can also do a benefits check to make sure you are getting everything.

Do you have copies of the letters now? If so, along with noting who was meant to have taken your DC, also double check if you have correspondence regarding all your 'missed' appointments.

Its common round our way that people don't receive the letters for appointments from HVs. Happened with both DD then DS. When I asked why I hadn't heard about DS' 2 year review I got told I'd missed two appointments, but they gave me the date for the third. Never received a letter for that. HV was snitty until another couple of parents came in and loudly complained they also hadn't been told about their DC review until they'd called and chased. I never missed an appointment I knew about, but I know I was logged down as having missed a few. Same thing happened with my DF and her DC very recently.

That said, tidy2018s advice is very good.

Whilst I agree you absolutely should cooperate and if you book an appointment for your son's jabs that'll certainly make a good impression, better even if you actually manage to take him asap, please, please make sure you keep a paper trail and even record the conversation. They won't like it, but it's backup if the SW you're assigned is a prat and starts causing trouble. If there's no issues then you'll have a bit more peace of mind and if there are issues then you have some recourse.

The little experience I've had with them has been abysmal, had to repeatedly complain, it was upheld every time but nothing changed...

Most trusts have a red flag after two missed appointments. The third results in referral. It’s because in many of the really tragic cases, missed appointments and failure of statutory agencies to make contact with families were a contributing feature in the safeguarding failures. They are concerned that your family contact pattern shares similarities and cannot possibly ignore that.

They aren’t saying you’re a bad mother. They aren’t suggesting your children are abused. They want to ensure your children are safe and that you have any available and necessary support to raise your family.

IStand bad advice. Really important you engage with SS. You have done nothing wrong and when they see that they will close their case. If you don't engage/get confrontational with them, your file will stay open and they will be in your life for much longer.

I missed the 1year vaccinations as we were abroad for a few months and I didn't get the appointment. I had to explain but it was soon cleared up. You can also explain your situation. The vaccinations are not mandatory so you can even say you have chosen not to have them. They just want to ensure someone is looking after your kids and missing appointments is a sign you might not be. But you are, so it will be fine.

Thank you all so much for the replies. To answer a few questions, I do now I’m thinking of it think it could be something to do with my ex DP’d treatment relating to pain killers as well.

• I have tried to resolve the post issue by providing up to date phone numbers with the GP who are supposed to text appointment confirmations but for some reason I got them for myself but not DS.

• I can’t see why they would think there would be any issues with domestic abuse. I’ve never had any trouble in that sense with their dad. He’s actually a very nice and loving father and partner but obviously there is only so much one can tolerate in terms of addiction before you have to put the children first.

• to the poster who said they can’t understand why referrals are frightening; I was in the exact same mindset as you of being glad they did checks in case something was wrong, but I can’t understand how people can’t empathise with the fact that a referral on yourself at the very least feels like your ability as a parent is in question. And I don’t know who wouldn’t find that stressful. Add to that that when DD was born I had quite a bad experience of HVs and she made me feel inadequate simply for being youngish and a first time mum. That’s always stuck with me.

To MintyChoc I need to tell you that you’ve come across as very nasty to me. I know this is just a post on the internet to you, but it’s my life and I’m already feeling quite delicate. My life is “tricky” but it doesn’t mean I’m struggling to cope with day to day - I’m much happier and on top of stuff now that I’m on y own, and I have a good support network for my kids. It’s not my “husbands drug addiction”, he is my ex, I did all I could to support him and I’ve taken steps to ensure he’s not a negative influence on the children’s lives, while doing all I can to ensure a happy relationship between them. This has not been easy.

• I absolutely am going to co operate and thank you all for the advice re paper trails; I did actually have to email them anyway luckily because their phone line is only open 9:30 til 4pm and I’m at work during these hours.

Sorry I also forgot to say that the missed rather than cancelled appointments is a combination of genuinely not being aware of them and for the ones where I was aware, I was expecting now ex to take them only to find when I got in that he hadn’t gone :(

Silly question but do NHS dentists not have any record of children attending? I’m quite stringent about dental care and my DD has been recenntly.

Also, now I’m thinking of it, until DS to GP only a couple of months ago because I thought he was poorly, he had an appointment and then a follow up appointment the next day. It turns out there was nothing wrong with him (he was quite hot and crying a lot so I thought he had an ear infection but it was just teething).

Does this not count as them being seen? Is it because it’s by doctors and not HVs?

*I took DS to GP

- I can’t see why they would think there would be any issues with domestic abuse.

Missing appointments is part of a pattern in other cases where children who have been badly battered have gone under the radar. Parents in many of these cases avoided routine checkups because they knew the GP would see evidence of neglect or abuse once all clothes were off and the child was weighed and examined thoroughly. SS go by statistics. The pattern of notices to make an appointment that that the GP or HV sent to you but have (as far as they are concerned) simply been ignored, is one they can't overlook. They do not know you or your circumstances. It will be up to you to let them know you.

They are probably not cross referencing your exP's drug dependence treatment with your children's names - there is probably no way for them to put that particular 2+2 together. By the same token, if you trusted exP to take your child to the doctor one time and he let you (and the child) down, then I am not sure SS will be impressed by your facilitation of a relationship between the DCs and him. Does he get unsupervised contact with them?

If they just took your child's temp and looked in his ears when you took him for a sick visit then that would not count as a thorough periodic exam with weighing, measuring, proper physical, and the option of any recommended immunisations.

As an aside, is there really no other way to resolve the post issue other than by providing phone numbers? You need to be contactable by post if the powers that be are going to be contacting you by post (and they clearly have not got the message about texting wrt DS). I don't know if your DCs are school age yet but when they go, you are going to have to be reachable by post then, so you really need to resolve this issue.

If your postal issues are related to an unstable housing situation, do let them help you if they offer help. Do you, for instance, live in a single room or do you couch surf or are you homeless in one form or another?

Could you ask the GP office for a schedule of future visits (over the next few years) so you will be able to enter alerts into your own calendar to make an appointment?

I have tried to resolve the post issue by providing up to date phone numbers with the GP who are supposed to text appointment confirmations but for some reason I got them for myself but not DS.
Another random aside here that doesn't deal directly with your issue, but after the change to GDPR my surgery asked for consent to receive text messages. However the company they use to send the messages couldn't handle anyone this for multiple patients with the same mobile number meaning anyone with DC got several messages over several days meaning no one knew whether they'd consented or for who. It took the receptionist going into the system and manually changing adding the consent in. You may need to ask them to check they have the relevant box checked in your surgery for DS.

In answer to the question about NHS dentists, yes we keep a record of all appointments, however each dental practice is stand alone and that information is not shared unless specifically requested.

OK - I’d go and have a chat with your doctor’s receptionist. The immunisation appointments are dealt with centrally but sometimes there are cancellations and they often know when your next appointment is going to be. Can you take a day off work to ensure they happen, or rope in a grandparent? They can take the kids with a permission letter from you. My childminder took DD2 for her flu spray and I’m pretty sure it was MIL who took her to MMR2 as well.

You know why you missed the home visit - they went to the wrong home - and the other appointment isn’t due yet. Once all your ducks are in a row, call and talk to them. Good luck xx

Math anxiety

I assumed the poster, when asking me if there was a risk of domestic abuse, was asking me if there was a known risk about my partner abuse me and by extension the DC, which is why I said I wouldn’t expect them to think there was a risk. The housing situation is not unstable but there are 2 front doors right next to each other, and both doors have the same number but one has a letter after it. Despite me speaking to the post man my post still goes next door and my neighbour has issues which means it is not easy and simple to request my post which means I suspect I don’t get all of it. My children aren’t school age as once they are school age this wouldn’t be an issue. I do understand it being an issue now I’ve calmed down and stopped being emotive - the fact is they haven’t been recorded as being seen so for all anyone official knows they could literally be dead. I understand it’s important for that reason to check in on little ones as it would be awful if something happens - it’s just a shock when you’re already a bit stressed and have had to leave your partner and are then told people have concerns your children aren’t safe - it’s obviously stirring to hear that.

The situation with my children’s partner is up to me to judge and if SS has concerns I would be able to demonstrate why his contact with them is valuable, and frankly I don’t think missing an appointment is cause for him not being able to care for them. It just means he is disorganised and needs things to be simple for him when he’s with them.

OhLook thank you that is really useful to hear and I will get in touch with the GP today to arrange appointments for my DC.

They have done it as no professional body has been able to see your children and cared for because you haven’t taken them to appointments. They always eerr on the side of caution with young children so will generally in most areas in Scotland anyway automatically raise a safeguarding concern if the parents haven’t engaged with any health services or contacted doctors etc to explain why the child hasn’t been seen. Do as the letter asks, engage with social worker or whoever comes, be honest and whatever you do don’t just ignore the letter as you will be opening yourself up to far more questions. Contrary to what the media reports they do not take kids without exceptionally good reasons such as severe abuse or neglect (think kids having the same nappies on for weeks) and nobody has targets to take kids from parents. It’s actually the opposite most services have to try every avenue to keep the child in the home before removing them as their is not enough foster homes for kids. If you are a loving mum and your kids are well cared for you have no worries.

Thanks Fundays

I have spoken to MASH on the phone and they were very nice, understanding and reassuring. I’m making appointments for my DC and feel much better after speaking to them :)

Glad it went well op

Good news OP! You’ve got this. I do wish posters would try encourage the hyper defensive approach, which would only cause far more problems than it resolves. There’s no need to imply social services are the bogeyman and it’s a real shame our media paints them as such as it causes so much mistrust and anxiety amongst the population of parents who might be in need of support.

Not many people twig on that any parent can say whatever they like about SS, bearing in mind very few parents who’ve had their kids removed for abuse are going to admit that to anyone (they’ll say it’s because their home was a bit messy or the social worker was prejudiced or something). Whereas SS literally can’t correct the record due to stringent confidentiality rules, as it should be. So the media reports are largely controlled by disgruntled abusive or neglectful parents running amok spreading misinformation. That’s not to ignore the times when SS do fuck up btw.

Meanwhile, social workers are damned if they do (overzealous child snatchers) and damned if they don’t (baby Peter Connoly, Victoria Climbie, Daniel Pelka to name just a tragic few) with people screaming ‘how could they let this happen? Why didn’t they intervene and remove them?’

It’s a hot mess and nobody benefits.

JessieLemon thanks and I completely agree, it must be a difficult job. It is good really that they do these checks, my DC aren’t school age yet and they don’t go to nursery as I work PT and have family and their dad to help with childcare. DD is going to nursery in January so that will help too.

They didn’t even mention having an appointment or interview or anything, they we just happy to hear that I’d make appointments with the GP and HV for missed appointments. I hope anyone in a similar position can find this thread in future and gain reassurance as I know first hand now how scary it is to get a referral when you’ve never interacted with them before.

Thanks again for all the advice :)

You’re welcome! You sound like a great mum. I’m sure once you explain that they didn’t attend the appointment you knew about because their dad had agreed to and let you/them down and that you’ll be ensuring you do it yourself in future they’ll be reassured (and everything you’re doing to manage the postal situation). So many mums or dads have kids with someone who is in active addiction and stay with them despite the damage it’s doing to the kids, the fact you’re not with him anymore goes very strongly in your favour as you’re obviously doing all you can to put them first. Good luck!