To be angry at in laws

[linniemoss]

My brother passed away unexpectedly in June, then 6 weeks later, my mum passed away with terminal cancer. I took time off work on sick leave after my brother died, returned to work 3 weeks later only to be off again from the week before my mam died. I spent the whole of the week, day and night with my mam in the nursing home and was there when she passed away.
My husband took time off to be with us the same week but spent it mostly with our two boys, doing school pick ups and evening stuff with the boys, during the day he worked from home.
During the day, I would reluctantly come home for a shower and change of clothes. Didn’t want to leave Mam In case something happened.
My problem is the following. Husbands parents normally look after the kids while we are at work, but as we were both off, they took a step back and hubby looked after them. I needed my husbands support at this time, but he couldn’t be with me as he was with the kids. 3 days before mam passed, I came home for a shower only to find hubby, his mam, dad and grandma in the kitchen taking a family photo, all smiles. I couldn’t face their smiles so I went upstairs.
I must also mention that my mam was the last of my family. My dad and both my brothers have all passed, so it was a very stressful time for me.
The night before mam died was traumatic. I phoned hubby crying saying why aren’t you here. He called his parents straight away and they came and stayed the night while hubby stayed with me and Mam.
Don’t get me wrong, hubby looked after me by doing everything else possible, but he just wasn’t with me. And I blame his mam and dad for not taking the kids so we could have time together.
I can’t talk to his parents properly any more as I feel anger, don’t want to be in the same room as them. I missed their golden wedding party and I don’t want to host his mams birthday party at our home any more. Hubby and I have spoken about this, but he sees it differently to me and he thinks he was with me as much as he could be and can’t see why it’s an issue, like it’s me with the problem. AIBU?

So sorry for your loss. I am wondering if your husband wasn't very direct with his parents so they just assumed as he was there they didn't need to come. Sounds like your husband wasn't really aware he was needed until you asked him.

I've got to say that while my parents are quite good at helping out on the odd weekend but they won't do regular childcare. They only help when asked though and would never just offer. I have become very good at just asking directly!!

I think given your update regarding having support from your lovely friends Op that your PILs were in a way that didn't come across well, trying to give you space and that you knew they'd be there if you asked ( given that they do help out with childcare weekly ) they probably didn't want to appear overbearing in your time of distress.

I think it can be very difficult to decipher what people really want from us sometimes.

What's your relationship like with them generally?

In general it’s a good relationship, but very different to what I had with my parents. My mam was all for the family, big Sunday dinners, get togethers round mams house, big family importance, with his parents it’s more us that instigate get togethers, we put the effort in, sometimes they are a bit standoffish and strict

It’s a massive loss for me to not have this any more

I guess it's hard when you're used to having such a lovely mum who did a lot for you and I think it's only natural to compare.
Being different to this isn't necessarily wrong though it's just different.

Lean on your friends for support and take your time to grieve.

Do you think you'll look into some counselling? Ime it can be helpful to untangle the deep and dark feelings that we keep inside us in times like this, so I would really really recommend it.

Also OP please remember this is so very recent and your grief is colossal right now. In time it will ease and you will be able to look back and think about your mum without such heartache ❤️

I am so sorry for your loss it must be hard to lose what sounds like such a wonderful mum.

The thing is in this situation there are no rights or wrongs, no black and white answers as to how you should react or how someone wants you to react. Taking a step back is a legitimate response - waiting to be told what to do. When they were asked they were straight there. That just means they are different in their response and approach. Some people wait to be asked, some people dont like to ask: when these two meet you get what happens here.

Your husband clearly leads this though with being there as much as he felt was appropriate as well - they were following his lead

Very sorry for your terrible loss op. I agree with posters who feel that you are looking at the situation through the terrible lense of deep grief. It must have been awful to come home for a shower having just left your dying mam to be confronted by your inlaws playing happy families.

However your in laws seen kind in other ways. If they are celebrating their Golden Wedding it seems they must be a good age and if they were at your house with your husband's grandma it seems they may have quite a lot of caring commitments. If so they may not have thought too deeply about the impact on you of handing the kids back to their dad to look after.

Rather insensitive of them but if I were in your shoes I would vent on here and to dh if you can trust him not to say anything to them. In a year's time you might be really glad that you didn't make your relationship with them difficult. Of course, if you still felt the same then you could perhaps more calmly tell them how you felt.

Take care of yourself op. Go easy on yourself, your dh and them at this difficult time

I did the same thing when I was grieving. The outlaws never so much as asked how I was, no card when I lost my three uncles, my two aunties and my uncle and my grandfather over a three year period all who I was close to. I got nothing when I was grieving for my baby that I lost at 22 week. Nothing.... no how are you, no sympathy card no hugs. So yes they would save the day and turn up to help. But they didn’t care about what I was going through and everything was a request for help not an offer. I went through a bad time and focussed on them and I couldn’t help but build up anger and resentment. I felt anger about why it was all my family that were dying and they were floating around with there smug grins and having a great little time. I find them disconnected and disinterested and I got more offers of support from work colleagues who I didn’t know that well than any of the outlaws.