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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at in laws

109 replies

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 09:49

My brother passed away unexpectedly in June, then 6 weeks later, my mum passed away with terminal cancer. I took time off work on sick leave after my brother died, returned to work 3 weeks later only to be off again from the week before my mam died. I spent the whole of the week, day and night with my mam in the nursing home and was there when she passed away.
My husband took time off to be with us the same week but spent it mostly with our two boys, doing school pick ups and evening stuff with the boys, during the day he worked from home.
During the day, I would reluctantly come home for a shower and change of clothes. Didn’t want to leave Mam In case something happened.
My problem is the following. Husbands parents normally look after the kids while we are at work, but as we were both off, they took a step back and hubby looked after them. I needed my husbands support at this time, but he couldn’t be with me as he was with the kids. 3 days before mam passed, I came home for a shower only to find hubby, his mam, dad and grandma in the kitchen taking a family photo, all smiles. I couldn’t face their smiles so I went upstairs.
I must also mention that my mam was the last of my family. My dad and both my brothers have all passed, so it was a very stressful time for me.
The night before mam died was traumatic. I phoned hubby crying saying why aren’t you here. He called his parents straight away and they came and stayed the night while hubby stayed with me and Mam.
Don’t get me wrong, hubby looked after me by doing everything else possible, but he just wasn’t with me. And I blame his mam and dad for not taking the kids so we could have time together.
I can’t talk to his parents properly any more as I feel anger, don’t want to be in the same room as them. I missed their golden wedding party and I don’t want to host his mams birthday party at our home any more. Hubby and I have spoken about this, but he sees it differently to me and he thinks he was with me as much as he could be and can’t see why it’s an issue, like it’s me with the problem. AIBU?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 13:30

"I have gone out of my way to do things for my in laws. I think this has to change now"
Because they weren't psychic? Really??

Original poster
linniemoss · 18/10/2018 13:32

We are just totally different people

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 18/10/2018 13:32

First, I am very sorry for your losses. I lost my father a couple of years ago and it was really traumatizing.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It's not fair to judge them by a hypothetical standard for not doing something they weren't asked to do. On that basis anyone can be blamed for not doing anything you can think of. I think that all of the hurt and anger you're feeling is seeking an outlet and you're making it them.

I think you would really benefit from talking this out with a counselor who has no role in the situation.

Ellisandra · 18/10/2018 13:33

I don’t think the most immediate period of grieving is a good time to decide that things are going to change.
Your PIL have provided 2 days a week of childcare, and had your kids overnight without an issue as soon as their son asked. That’s a lot!
Don’t take your grief out on them - it’s not their fault their family is still intact.
Go easy on them, and yourself.

BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 13:35

Blimey. Fair enough-but maybe bear in mind that the vast majority of posters on here are saying that you might not be thinking entirely straight at the moment. Don't, please, punish people who don't know what they are being punished for.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 13:36

Yes you must look after yourself at this time OP, you've been through so so much. I'm confused though because your inlaws have and do help you out.

If you can take anything from all of this I hope it would be that sometimes we have to speak up and ask for help or that we would like someone to do a certain thing, everyone knows where they stand then.

Do look into some bereavement counselling as I'm sure this will help you sort out some of what you're feeling at this time Flowers

mrsmuddlepies · 18/10/2018 13:36

It's not their fault they are different to you. Nobody can replace your Mum. I think everyone understands how very important she was to you. You are probably raging because they are still alive and your mother has gone.However, it's not their fault and you will grow more accepting with time. Allow yourself time to grieve and think about your lovely mother.

Sirzy · 18/10/2018 13:37

Is pushing away the people who are there to support and help you really going to achieve anything except annimosity? Surely now is the time that as hard as it is you, and more to the point your children, need them more than ever?

redastherose · 18/10/2018 13:39

OP like pp's have said I think you are projecting your anger at the unfairness of life and they are the easy target.

Losing a loved one, however, it happens it traumatic. Even when it is an expected Death it is awful (I know my Dad died from Cancer last December). It is easier to blame others for their behaviour or perceived lack of help than deal with the feelings of loss that the Death have caused.

I think you would benefit from getting some grief counselling, by anyone's standards you have suffered several traumatic events in the past year and probably need to focus on getting yourself to the point where you can accept that life is sometimes shit but it's not anyone's fault!

I imagine that your DH and his parents all thought at that time that they were doing the right thing, and you weren't able to articulate that you needed them to behave differently simply because you were at the point of simply existing and coping. Undoubtedly, your DH staying at home with the DC's will have made things easier for them to cope with the loss of their Grandma. They may well not have wanted to go to your PIL that week.

Try and see if you can look at this from their point of view, of your DH's point of view, even the PIL point of view. Putting yourself in other peoples shoes will help you appreciate that everyone is generally trying their best. Flowers

Ginger1982 · 18/10/2018 13:50

YAB a bit unreasonable. Your DH should have had enough savvy to say to them to take the kids. They maybe didn't want to overstep the mark. You can't put all the blame on them and while I understand why you wouldn't want to go to the party after your mum died, cutting them off altogether is a bit petty.

Miranda15110 · 18/10/2018 14:05

Is there any chance your hubby arranged to look after the kids instead of them as he thought that was being supportive? i.e. Giving you time alone with your mother. It's just a thought, sometimes people think they're doing the right thing when in fact we need something else altogether. Sorry for your loss x

Purpleartichoke · 18/10/2018 14:06

I lost my mother this summer to an awful illness. I understand the raw emotions you are experiencing.

I think you need to reframe this.

Your DH was there to support the kids. That is the same role my DH took during my mother’s death. It is an important role and allowed me space to grieve. Your in-laws gave him the space to do this.

One of the things I realized after my mother was gone was that I wished we had taken more photos. I cried over that more than once. Your spouse and in-laws may have had the same realization with your mother’s passing. They need to be better about taking photos so they took one.

Ionacat · 18/10/2018 14:13

I get it. My in-laws did nothing to help or support when my Mum was dying and then died all within a short time period. My head was all over the place and I didn’t have a clue about actually what support I wanted or needed. The best support was from friends who’d text/ring, invite me out for a coffee, chocolate through the door, or who’d come round and entertain DD or take her out for the day and make dinner. However this support was led by friends who had already gone through this experience and knew that DH or I would be all over the place. Too many people don’t know what to do and mistakenly step back rather than actually help. I lost track of people saying if there’s anything we can do let us know, where as the ones that said right I’m popping to the supermarket what do you need, makes it much easier to say yes please.
Anger is normal, I felt angry at my in-laws for a while anger, you work through so many stages with grief, but it is important to realise that you do need to work through those feelings as life is still going on and your in-laws are still part of the family. You need to be gentle with yourself and take things one step at a time. There’s some fantastic support out there and on here in the right places.

Original poster
linniemoss · 18/10/2018 14:28

Ion at thank you. This is exactly what happened with my friends. I had a lot of support from friends who just did things for me without asking, popped by, took the kids etc. I really cherish those friendships x

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 18/10/2018 14:39

I am sorry for your loss. DH and I have both sat with parents through their final days and hours so we know how it takes its toll.

Grief is a very strange and complicated thing. There are lots of emotions which boil to the surface. Anger is one of them. It is very difficult to be angry at everything and nothing at the same time. So you have found a focus for that anger.

From what you have described your PiL did not act in anyway unfairly, inconsiderately, unreasonably. Your DH didnt either.

In the end nobody could carry the burden of sitting with you mum except you. If your DH had sat with you, you would have been angry at him for leaving the DCs.

Anger is what you feel right now. Try not to express that anger to your PiL. If they have experience of profound grief they may be understanding. However, if they have not they possibly wont. Either way they will be hurt.

Original poster
linniemoss · 18/10/2018 14:44

I can’t help myself. Maybe it’s best not to see them until I get over this

OP posts:
Jambalaya76 · 18/10/2018 14:48

Btw I have changed my name in case anyone I know reads this post

Jambalaya76 · 18/10/2018 14:50

Thanks to everyone for your advice x

woolduvet · 18/10/2018 14:53

I'm sorry for your losses.
It sounds like they're two different families, your mum would have offered to help and your PIL would have done it if they were specifically asked.
Your dh thought he was doing the right thing in being with your children, but you wanted him, and he came when you asked.
I'm sorry.

DancingForTheDog · 18/10/2018 14:55

Namechange fail OP!

Jlynhope · 18/10/2018 14:57

I echo what other's have said, you should probably talk to a grief therapist. Your in laws sound incredibly helpful and generous and it sounds like you just need an outlet for your anger.

I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. Death is so incredibly hard. Take good care of yourself.

Jambalaya76 · 18/10/2018 15:01

Oops I thought if I changed my name, it would change on all of my previous comments!

Howhot · 18/10/2018 15:05

So sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

You are being unreasonable. They usually have them twice a week? That's incredibly generous of them and quite a commitment. They were clearly under the impression that your husband wanted to be their for the kids and likely didn't want to intrude and took your husband's lead. And while it must of been hard for you to walk in and see them playing happy family's, they were likely just trying to keep the kids upbeat. This just sounds like bad communication all round. Just take some time for yourself OP and go and talk to someone about this. It isn't fair to take it out on your in-laws who sound like they were just following your husband wishes.

Bekabeech · 18/10/2018 15:16

OP I'm so sorry for your loss - you've had a really tough time.

BUT everyone grieves differently. What you would have liked in those circumstances could be very different to what someone else wanted. You could have resented "outsiders" being around and just wanted to cocoon your little family.
There is no right way to grieve.
However if it is affecting you relationships some professional help might be useful. Could you try Cruse? or see your GP for a referral?

(And as much as catching them having a "happy families moment" hurt you - it could be worse to have them all solemn and sad, when it wasn't their family.)

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2018 15:17

I really think you're seeing this through the haze of grief. Your losses are still fresh, you know. If I were you, I'd try to put this anger on the back burner and see about grief counseling or a grief support group to help you work through this. It sounds like you've had a pretty good relationship with your iLs up to now. I don't think you'd want that to change.

To me, it all sounds like massive miscommunication and assumptions. You assumed they should just step up without asking. They assumed they should wait to be asked. No fault there on either side, just a different way of seeing and/or doing things. Neither is right or wrong. Just different.