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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at in laws

109 replies

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 09:49

My brother passed away unexpectedly in June, then 6 weeks later, my mum passed away with terminal cancer. I took time off work on sick leave after my brother died, returned to work 3 weeks later only to be off again from the week before my mam died. I spent the whole of the week, day and night with my mam in the nursing home and was there when she passed away.
My husband took time off to be with us the same week but spent it mostly with our two boys, doing school pick ups and evening stuff with the boys, during the day he worked from home.
During the day, I would reluctantly come home for a shower and change of clothes. Didn’t want to leave Mam In case something happened.
My problem is the following. Husbands parents normally look after the kids while we are at work, but as we were both off, they took a step back and hubby looked after them. I needed my husbands support at this time, but he couldn’t be with me as he was with the kids. 3 days before mam passed, I came home for a shower only to find hubby, his mam, dad and grandma in the kitchen taking a family photo, all smiles. I couldn’t face their smiles so I went upstairs.
I must also mention that my mam was the last of my family. My dad and both my brothers have all passed, so it was a very stressful time for me.
The night before mam died was traumatic. I phoned hubby crying saying why aren’t you here. He called his parents straight away and they came and stayed the night while hubby stayed with me and Mam.
Don’t get me wrong, hubby looked after me by doing everything else possible, but he just wasn’t with me. And I blame his mam and dad for not taking the kids so we could have time together.
I can’t talk to his parents properly any more as I feel anger, don’t want to be in the same room as them. I missed their golden wedding party and I don’t want to host his mams birthday party at our home any more. Hubby and I have spoken about this, but he sees it differently to me and he thinks he was with me as much as he could be and can’t see why it’s an issue, like it’s me with the problem. AIBU?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/10/2018 12:45

So when asked to help they dropped everything and had the boys overnight? I thinks you are being unreasonable.

If he had taken time off work then of course they will have assumed he will look after the children unless explicitly asked otherwise

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/10/2018 12:47

Of course you weren't up for it and quite rightly shouldn't go. I also think the picture incident when you walked in was very insensitive however other than that, I don't think they've done anything wrong and even then it maybe was just bad timing when you walked in.

I've recently lost all four of my grandparents in the space of a year and my head is a mess so I have no idea how you're feeling OP, you've been through an awful lot. I think speaking to someone is a good idea, that way you can work through your feelings properly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 12:49

OP I think talking to someone would be a good idea before this gets worse.

Could it be that you feel resentful and even envious that DH has his parents when you've lost your mum? It does seem that you're taking out all your hurt and anger from losing your mum and brother and directing on your PILs.

BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 12:49

"They are the sort of people that are hard to get help from"

What-apart from regularly looking after your children two days a week, and coming at once to stay the night when your dh said he needed them to?

TheViceOfReason · 18/10/2018 12:50

OP, I'm sorry you've been through a traumatic time, but it sounds like your DH didn't actually ask his parents for help? And that when he did, they did immediately drop everything and help out.

myfatarse · 18/10/2018 12:51

Your husband took over looking after the kids and home life so you weren't needlessly hassled by it so you could give ALL your attention to your Mum. (and rightly so)

Did you ask your husband to come sit with your mum while you took a shower or just to spend be with you? DID YOU ASK HIM?

Your Inlaws would have been in contact with your DH regarding who was to look after the children and in all liklihood, your DH probably said "it's OK, i'm going to stay off with them, make sure they're ok, eldest child is a little upset, if i need anything i'll let you know"

Yes your inlaws backed off but it seems you are making assumtions as to why rather than knowing.

Again.... Did you ask you DH for his time to be spent with you?

7yo7yo · 18/10/2018 12:52

Some sarcy comments on here.
Give op a break. She’s lost her mum and her brother.
She’s having a hard time. Show some empathy.

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 12:53

There’s a bit more history to it than that. We have been a couple for 21 years. Yes they do pick the kids up twice a week which we are grateful for, but my mam would do so much more when she was able, like have them overnight so we could have time together etc. I guess I miss her so much

OP posts:

TheViceOfReason · 18/10/2018 12:53

It sounds like his parents haven't done anything wrong, and you are possibly misdirecting your anger at the unfairness of life (and maybe that your DH didn't ask for their help more or sooner) at them.

BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 12:54

Obviously you probably wouldn't want to go to the Golden Wedding a week after your mum died, and if you don't feel up to hosting the birthday party you need to say soon so they can find another venue.

But be careful about saying "playing happy families". It sounds as if they were just being a happy family, and it caught you on a raw nerve. They weren't doing it deliberately at you.

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 12:55

Thank you 7yo7yo. It is hard reading some of the comments, I’m trying to see it from others perspectives but some are a bit harsh

OP posts:

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 12:57

NO I DIDNT ASK HIM! MY head was all over the place watching my mam die

OP posts:

myfatarse · 18/10/2018 12:57

I'm so sorry for you loss OP, loosing a family member and especialy your mum is heartbreaking and it looks like you always had a lot of support from her and will miss her deeply.

But please don't let your grief cloud your judgement with how your inlaws behaved, i truly don't think they were being malicious.

LeftRightCentre · 18/10/2018 12:58

I think you could really benefit from speaking to someone about your feelings. Your ILs are already doing plenty. It sounds like your h didn't communicate with them properly and they stepped back to give you privacy. It doesn't sound like they're being deliberately unhelpful.

Sirzy · 18/10/2018 12:59

And his head will probably have been all over the place to trying to support you and the children and keep things going - and it sounds like he did a pretty good job of doing so to allow your focus to rightly be on your mum.

It was a tough time for everyone but don’t let the resentment drag out as it won’t do any of you any good.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 13:04

You're angry and grieving which is totally understandable because of what you've been through OP. Anger is an emotion often felt when we lose someone we love very much.

I would urge you to get some counselling to talk through these feelings though as this situation could spiral out of control and won't be good for you or your family.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 18/10/2018 13:05

I'm so sorry for your losses. What a horrible time you have had.

You know, I don't think you can really blame your inlaws though. Different people have different needs. When my dad was dying I had my mum at home, severely disabled and not able to visit the hospital because of her compromised immune system and the norovirus which was rife there.

I had 4 children at home - adult son, two teens and one in primary school and my husband working shifts.

I was torn apart - I wanted to be with dad, I wanted to know that my kids were all ok - my daughter in particular was in pieces because she was Grandad's girl, and my mum needed care - she needed help with dressing, food prep etc and I wanted to be with my dad.

When my husband wasn't in work or sleeping I wanted him to be with the kids so that they were supported. The only time I wanted him was the last night I stayed at the hospital - I didn't want to be alone in the room when my dad actually died.

If anyone had offered help I wouldn't have accepted it. I wanted my husband to have the kids.

Grief takes all of us differently. For me it was vital that the kids were with my husband - I had it in my head that no one could care for them as well as he could. I would have been in an awful state if he had been with me at the hospital. If my mother in law had suggested that she would stay with the family instead I would have been outraged!

Your feelings and your need for your husband's presence are real and you shouldn't be forced to deny what you went through but if you can try and look forward to what you want from him and the inlaws now and in the weeks/months to come.

They clearly care for you so much. Let the comfort and support you nowxx

poobumwee · 18/10/2018 13:06

So sorry for your loss. you've had a really tough time of it! I agree with other posters that it does sound as if PIL have helped you out a lot in the past. they were probably also accutely aware how much you have been through, and with your Mam being so ill, perhaps thought that you had wanted some time alone with her? Why did your DH not ask them to stick around so that he could be with you, when you needed him? He knows you better than anyone, not them, so he should have asked them. As it is, when he did ask for help they did step up, which suggests to me they would have done sooner if asked. Be kind to yourself OP x

RandomObject · 18/10/2018 13:08

People struggle with what is the 'right' thing to do when someone is experiencing family bereavement, because it's different for everyone. I don't think your in-laws deserve to be punished for not having known what you wanted.

Gazelda · 18/10/2018 13:08

I can feel the pain you're suffering OP. Your words are so raw and emotional.
You've been through a terrible time, and your loss is so awful.
But please don't let it overwhelm you to the point that you push people who love you away.
You didn't tell your DH that you needed him with you. So he didn't know. He thought he was running the home and supporting the DC so that you could give all of your time to your Mam.
As a result, your PIL stepped back to give all of you a bit of space. When your DH told them that he needed their help, they dropped everything like a shot.
They thought they were doing the right thing. As did your DH.
Try not to be angry or resentful. They've done nothing wrong.
Nothing can replace your Mam. But don't alienate your ILs who doubtlessly care about you and would love to support you if you tell them how to.

BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 13:09

It was an awful time for you-and of course you're still grieving, and missing your mum-it sounds as though you had a close relationship and did a lot for you. But your inlaws aren't psychic-and neither is your dp. Try not to be angry with them.

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2018 13:10

I totally understand why you are angry. I also didn’t reflect on your hubbys relationship with your mum in my last post. He knew her for over twenty years, yet he wasn’t really there for her when she was dying.

His parents seem to offer some help - but fro. What you are saying it’s on their terms. They aren’t your mum and it’s so unfair they are still here and she is gone. She would have mucked in and sent both you are your hubby to the hospital while she took care of everything at home. You feel in laws and hubby let you down.

I think tell hubby that. Write in laws a letter, don’t send it. Get your anger out. They are never going to be as brilliant as your mum was.

Rascallsall · 18/10/2018 13:21

I just wanted to to say how sorry I am that you have lost your wonderful mum I agree with Gazelda's comments. Your husband didn't realise you needed more of his support. I am sure your in-laws would be devastated if they read this thread and would have helped out more if they had known. They will never compare to your much loved mum, but they do seem to be supporting your family quite a bit.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 13:23

I think the key point here is when DH did ask them to come over to mind the dc they came straight away and stayed over, they did support you then and I'm guessing if he had have asked for more help during that time they woke have done it.

I know you're angry with them but bear in mind if you do carry on feeling like this they might withdraw their support looking after the dc twice a week, would you be able to sort alternative childcare out if that happened? Obviously financially that might another stress that you don't need right now OP.

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 13:28

I guess it helps me to talk on here, part of the grieving process. It’s been the worst year ever and I maybe expected too much from people, expecting them to do what I would have done.
I often go way and above what other people expect of me, putting them first. What this has taught me is to look after myself more and to put myself first for a change ( and my kids obvious).
I have gone out of my way to do things for my in laws. I think this has to change now

OP posts:

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