Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be angry at in laws

109 replies

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 09:49

My brother passed away unexpectedly in June, then 6 weeks later, my mum passed away with terminal cancer. I took time off work on sick leave after my brother died, returned to work 3 weeks later only to be off again from the week before my mam died. I spent the whole of the week, day and night with my mam in the nursing home and was there when she passed away.
My husband took time off to be with us the same week but spent it mostly with our two boys, doing school pick ups and evening stuff with the boys, during the day he worked from home.
During the day, I would reluctantly come home for a shower and change of clothes. Didn’t want to leave Mam In case something happened.
My problem is the following. Husbands parents normally look after the kids while we are at work, but as we were both off, they took a step back and hubby looked after them. I needed my husbands support at this time, but he couldn’t be with me as he was with the kids. 3 days before mam passed, I came home for a shower only to find hubby, his mam, dad and grandma in the kitchen taking a family photo, all smiles. I couldn’t face their smiles so I went upstairs.
I must also mention that my mam was the last of my family. My dad and both my brothers have all passed, so it was a very stressful time for me.
The night before mam died was traumatic. I phoned hubby crying saying why aren’t you here. He called his parents straight away and they came and stayed the night while hubby stayed with me and Mam.
Don’t get me wrong, hubby looked after me by doing everything else possible, but he just wasn’t with me. And I blame his mam and dad for not taking the kids so we could have time together.
I can’t talk to his parents properly any more as I feel anger, don’t want to be in the same room as them. I missed their golden wedding party and I don’t want to host his mams birthday party at our home any more. Hubby and I have spoken about this, but he sees it differently to me and he thinks he was with me as much as he could be and can’t see why it’s an issue, like it’s me with the problem. AIBU?

OP posts:

JakeBallardswife · 18/10/2018 11:01

Sorry for your loss OP, things are obviously still very raw.

With regard to the inlaws, perhaps they thought they were doing the right thing by stepping back a bit and giving you all some space.

There is no right way to act and it sounds as if you all did as much as possible through this traumatic time.

Take lots of care of yourself over the coming months.

musicalxo · 18/10/2018 11:02

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP.

Could it be that your husband didn't know you needed him there with you at such a vulnerable time so he went ahead and took care of the kids and his parents left them to it? I agree with PPs that perhaps you should have told him straightforwardly that you needed him there.

Nevertheless, take care OP.

Lunde · 18/10/2018 11:08

I understand your feelings as it sounds as though they did less than usual which was not very supportive. Instead of having your children when they normally did they chose not to have them so that your DH was unable to support you at the hospital.

My own mother did a version of this when MIL died and it still makes my angry. We were staying with DM when we got news that MIL had died unexpectedly. As the only child DH needed to fly back to organise paperwork and death certificate. DM said that she would look after the kids for a couple of days - so we booked flights. But when we were packing she changed her mind - forcing me to stay which meant that I couldn't support DH.

diddl · 18/10/2018 11:16

Oh come on, I'm sorry for what you have been through, but you were both at home & wanted your ILs to carry on the level of childcare that they had been doing-without actually telling them that?

How many people wouldn't take a step back so as not to intrude unless specifically asked not to?

Amaried · 18/10/2018 11:21

I'm sorry for your loss but also you are been unreasonable.
Did your husband sit them down and tell them explicitly he needed them as normal.
By the sound of things they are good to ye normally as they mind your kids every day and I think it's mean spirited of you to be rude to them now after everything they have done. Of course you are grieving and are probably resentful of happy families who are luckier than you have been but you are being unfair to them and your husband.

GinIsIn · 18/10/2018 11:47

I’m sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable. If you needed your husband’s support then he should have just asked his parents to carry on as normal. They probably thought they were doing the right thing by giving you all some space.

LeftRightCentre · 18/10/2018 11:51

I think your anger is very misdirected and, however understandably, you're being very unfair to them. Your husband is the one who should have spoken to them if you needed all this support from him but at the same time, they're your kids, not your ILs.

Maybe they need a break from looking after your kids, that's a big ask, tbh. I don't have any grandchildren yet, but I am really feeling my age more and more and wouldn't be up to looking after young kids for any length of time.

Or maybe they felt they didn't want to intrude or that you wanted to be all together, some people do during such times.

Sounds like a miscommunication.

BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 11:56

Why did they step back? Was there a conversation about it? Because whether or not they were awful depends very much on what they understood about the situation and their motivation.
The family photograph thing just sounds like crap timing- surely you wanted things to be a normal as possible for the children?

chillpizza · 18/10/2018 12:00

I think your grieving and using anger in the wrong place. You in-laws normally have your your children while you both work, you lost your brother, your children’s uncle and weeks later your losing you mum, your children’s granny. If not asked to still have the children they will of stepped back since your husband was home as to not be insensitive to you or your children. As soon as your husband rang they came running. They didn’t want to intrude of such a horrible time for you and your children but clearly where willing to help when asked and needed. If they had been there everyday acting as if everything was normal you would likely be angry with them right now too for clearly not understanding and not giving you guys as a family time to grieve.

You need to recover mentally before you start a process of hate that you can’t take back.

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 12:00

Maybe i expected them to be like my mam. She would offer help and go out of her way to help us. His parents are not like that. They mind the kids 2 times a week normally when we are working and tend to do that as a rule with little exception. They just were not there in our time of most need. Hubby says he stayed with the kids to offer them support. Youngest 6 didn’t understand and it hasn’t really affected him. Oldest 10 knows what was going on.
Surely for life to be normal for the boys, the in laws should have been there as normal.
I feel like I went through this alone. I hardly slept, ate, and went through the most traumatic week of my life.
It would have been nice to have someone around like my mam who would have been forthcoming with support took the boys out for a while so that hubby could have come to sit with Mam while I got some sleep 😞

OP posts:

Laureline · 18/10/2018 12:02

Did your husband or you actually ask them to maintain childcare and they refused?

Laureline · 18/10/2018 12:02

And sorry for the awful events you’ve been going through.

starfishmummy · 18/10/2018 12:05

It's a pity they didn't continue with the regular arrangements but did you or your dh ask if they could have the children as usual?

LeftRightCentre · 18/10/2018 12:06

She would offer help and go out of her way to help us. His parents are not like that. They mind the kids 2 times a week normally when we are working and tend to do that as a rule with little exception.

Wow. Plenty of us never had this level of support from grandparents, for a variety of reasons (they were dead, for example, on in ill health or you had to move away for work reasons, have a disabled child that not everyone can care for, etc). They're not your mam and they're already providing plenty of help.

Your h is the one who should have spoken to them if you needed all this support. They probably stepped back because they thought you wanted some time all together. Or maybe they felt they didn't want to intrude on your privacy. At any rate, it was you and your h's remit to communicate with them.

I think you're being really unfair. They're not mind readers and it's a bit mean-spirited to compare them to your mum and punish them for not being like her.

BertrandRussell · 18/10/2018 12:07

Linnie- how did the conversation you or your dp had with your in laws go?

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/10/2018 12:11

Sorry for your loss, OP

It does seem as if you expected your husband to be at your side, but didn't tell him that when he didn't offer. He was working from home during the day and his parents only missed two days during that stressful week at a time when the children probably wanted a parent more than a grandparent for school tbh. His thought was for the children. It does come across that you are a little resentful that he still has his family when you don't and that is unfair.

I know it gets bandied about a lot on here, but have you thought of speaking to your GP about how you are feeling?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 18/10/2018 12:14

I am so sorry for your losses and your pain. I am glad your husband was supportive and did the best he could.

It is very difficult to know how to interpret someone's actions and to anticipate what other people expect / would like.

Sometimes it is best to assume the best intentions unless you know otherwise. Perhaps they really thought it best that your children had their dad around during the time their Gran was dying and their mum was grieving. They may have thought what they would want in this time was privacy and unintruded space.

They look after your children 2 days a week without exception. Be thankful for that and take the time and space you need to grieve. I cannot imagine what it is like to loose the last remaining members of your family in such a short time.

PatriciaHolm · 18/10/2018 12:17

Hubby says he stayed with the kids to offer them support.

So his parents were under the explicit impression they weren't needed, and possibly were actually in the way.

It's simply not their fault. It's down to a lack of communication between you and him, tbh.

Don't let this spoil your relationship with them. They already do a lot for you, try to refocus.

cheesefield · 18/10/2018 12:20

So he didn't ask them to stay with the kids on a daily basis so he could be with you? How would they have known?

I think you're directing your anger at them misguidedly i'm afraid.

Not everyone is the same. I would have most certainly wanted privacy in your position. Perhaps they would and didn't assume you wouldn't.

You an't be angry at them for not doing something you didn't asked them to.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 12:25

Some people need it spelling out that you would like support for various reasons, one of them that they don't want to tread on your toes at such a sensitive time.

Some women wouldn't have wanted their inlaws anywhere near them when they were grieving and would have been put out by their presence.

In hindsight it would have been better for you to talk to DH and explain that he needed to ask his parents to have the children so he could support you. They are obviously different to you mum in that she would have rallied around but they aren't your parents and I think that makes a huge difference, to me it sounds like they were giving you some space.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/10/2018 12:32

It also sounds to me like they were giving you space and if I were in your situation I would be wanting some space, everybody reacts differently and needs different things.

I think your DH should have said something, when he called them they came running and helped out so I really don't think you can blame them.

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time but I do think YABU

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 12:38

I suppose my feelings are all over the place at the moment. I feel
Like we have managed the last few shitty months without their support, kinda want to keep it that way now. I suppose I am a bit resentful of their happy families situation ( as bad as it sounds, I can’t help it) , but I keep that to myself, wouldn’t want the kids to pick up on anything.

Hubby did say maybe he should have asked them for more help at the time. They are the sort of people that are hard to get help from and he tbh I’ve never know any parent to be like that, not mine or any of my friends parents are like that. i feel like they have all let me down. Maybe I do need to talk to someone about this

OP posts:

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/10/2018 12:40

I really would speak to someone, there is no way the children are not picking up on this! What reason did you give for not going to their anniversary party?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 12:43

I don't understand. They normally have the dc while you're both at work. That is helping you out surely?

Original poster

linniemoss · 18/10/2018 12:43

Their party was the week after my mam died, I wasn’t up to going out and partying

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5