Csa

[Jamboree87]

I know this will be probably be a very unpopular thread but here goes....

My partner had a one nightstand a few years ago and was not informed of pregnancy but was told once said female had had the child. He pays csa but has no contact with the child as the mother has made things difficult let's say.

I'm not saying he shouldn't pay but they take an extortionate amount leaving us struggling most months.

I wonder what everyone's thought are on being made to pay csa when:

A) you were never informed of pregnancy and had no say whether you were willing to be a parent. Asking this as if a female is not ready she can decide either way regardless of the fathers wishes.

B) not being on the birth certificate, surely it makes sense that any parent paying csa should be on the certificate. You are paying for a child you have no say over.

I just want people opinions I feel so upset that we are constantly skint because the csa payments are so high and he gets nothing in return.

We have a child together and we struggle to put clothes on her back yet we pay £££ to child that he has no say over and never sees.

A- he did have a say, he didn’t have to have sex with her and I think most people are aware that sex can lead to pregnancy.

B- has he asked to be on the birth certificate?

Has he had a dna test done?

Has he tried to have a relationship with the child? Been to mediation? Court?

If he wasn’t willing to be a parent he should have used a condom, no?

Unfair he doesn’t get to see the child, but he should be paying to support it, yes.

If he’s paying a lot it’s because he earns a lot. For one child it’s something like 12% of the gross taxable income.

He can see her and can have a say in her life. If mum won’t agree, he needs to go to court.

you were never informed of pregnancy and had no say whether you were willing to be a parent.

When you have sex, even with a condom, you are accepting ALL possible outcomes of that sex. This includes becoming a parent to sextuplets. It happens. You’re also fully aware that once that semen leaves your body, you’re no longer in control of what happens to it. If you aren’t aware of that you aren’t capable of consenting to sex.

You are paying for a child you have no say over.

The child has to eat whether your name is on the certificate or not.

Go to court for access and for him to be put on the birth cert.

csa payments are so high and he gets nothing in return.

nothing in return??? It’s not pay per view! The money feeds, clothes and houses his child! That’s not nothing!

Why hasn’t he been to court to get access to his child, to have a relationship and to be put on the birth certificate?

Why the heck hasn't he had a DNA test to prove paternity?

If he wants to be on the birth certificate then go to court and put his name on it.
If he wants to see the child then he should go to court and get visitation.
Its unfair women get to decide about ending the pregnancy and men don't but that's life, biology is a bitch.

Your partner can apply for court ordered contact and to have his name entered on the birth certificate. They do not take an extraordinary amount. 12% of gross leaves you with 88% of his großs income. If two adults have sex, there is always the risk of pregnancy. Don't want the risk? Don't have sex or have a vasectomy.

i do see where you are coming from OP. It can seem very unfair that he is not deemed good enough by the child's mum to be allowed to be part of its life but is still expected to fund that lifestyle. I also see your point about the guy having no choice in whether a pregnancy proceeds and i have my own opinion on that that i am not about to discuss on AIBU!

As others have asked;

1. has he demanded a DNA test? If not get one asap - he may not be the father
2. has he applied for access through the court/mediation - if not then do so. she cannot expect him to be responsible and pay and then deny him a relationship with his child
3. CMS is 12% of his annual income so unless you have high debts it really shouldn't leave you unable to feed and clothe your own child - i would ask to be reassessed

Was he with you when the child was conceived??

You shouldnt be struggling with 12%,do you work?

I think most of these replies are women who get paid CSA every month or are very bitter.

If everyone in the world thought ‘I could be a dad in 9 months if I stick it in there’ then most of the world probably wouldn’t have sex.. nobody needs a sex education lesson she’s asking for advice.

It’s also brilliant people saying ‘you shouldn’t be struggling it’s only 12%’ or ‘take her to court’ yet OP has mentioned they can hardly afford clothes? If he’s paying £400 a month factoring in mortgage, child care fees, bills, all other expenses, they maybe left with £100 a month for food/clothes? And that’s on decent wages... You’re looking at thousands and thousands of £ for court.

First things first OP, do not let this continue. Whilst unless you go on to have more children together, or he gets a lower paid job your money will not reduce, he could Atleast apply for an immediate paternity test and mother has to comply through CMS. If child is his child then you go from there, definitely get his name on birth certificate and maybe sending a letter of your own suggesting she starts allowing contact before you go to solicitor (this may change her mind if she doesn’t want to go through court).

Yes it is very unfair, but CMS is beyond unfair and being a Male is unfair as it seems to be woman who get all the ‘power’ as such.

Hard situation because it’s not like she’s a bitter ex wife.. just a one night stand but no child is asked to born, I’m sure one day they will want to find their dad.

Sending lots of love

I think most of these replies are women who get paid CSA every month or are very bitter.

Not me. Just don’t have much sympathy for men who choose to stick their dick in a stranger and then boo-hoo when she is ‘miraculously’ pregnant.

Conversely, I don’t have much sympathy for women who allow strange men to stick their dick in them and then boo-hoo when they are pregnant and the father wants nothing to do with the child.

Either way, the father should pay to support the child he has helped bring into the world.

If everyone in the world thought ‘I could be a dad in 9 months if I stick it in there’ then most of the world probably wouldn’t have sex.

That would be a positive.

you were never informed of pregnancy and had no say whether you were willing to be a parent. Asking this as if a female is not ready she can decide either way regardless of the fathers wishes.

Sooo.... you want men to be able to force abortions on women?

Presumably he wasn't forced into sex? Presumably he didn't wear a condom? But of course men are so pathetic, they can't possibly have the same responsibility for their children that women have.

not being on the birth certificate, surely it makes sense that any parent paying csa should be on the certificate. You are paying for a child you have no say over.

Sooo.... money should buy you control over the child?

He's never even seen this child but should have an equal say in parenting to the child's mum? He should be able to turn the mum and child's life upside down because he pays 12% of his income?

YABVVVU. Your views on the rights and responsibilities of parents to their children are regressive.

Please don't have children until you have a little more life experience.

Tell your boyfriend to be a man and parent his damn child.

I think most of these replies are women who get paid CSA every month or are very bitter.

I'm none of those 3 things. I just think people who abandon their kids are pathetic. Paying money is not being a parent. A woman who abandons their child is rightly pilloried- it should be exactly the same for a man who does so.

When he was sent the first CSA letter did he just accept paternity? As that in itself is weird. Had sex with stranger, wasn't told she was pregnant, then poof told I have a child I have to pay for, no questions asked here's my money. He could have denied being the father & the csa would have offered a DNA test that if it turned out he was the dad he would have to pay back (around £280 I think). I think he can still probably take this option? Also, does CSA know that you two have a child together as that will lower his payment as he has a dependant in the house.

I've been the girl with a boyfriend paying for a baby without proof that baby was his, however the idiot did put his name on the certificate. she actually pretty much lived with us but legally with her mum so my partner paid CSA aswell as her being with us more than her mum. I had a gut feeling that I couldn't shake, I ordered a private dna test, we did it & sadly baby we had been pretty much been bringing up for the last year we found out wasn't partners on December 23rd. We worked out in total with name change of baby we spent around 13k bringing some other persons child up. You do not get your CSA payments back either.

I would seek legal advice immediately.

We have a child together

Realised I missed this bit. Even more important that your boyfriend is in his children's lives and ensures your child meets his/her sibling.

He gave up his right to choice when he gave her his sperm, whether it was intentional or not. And he chose to abandon the child. Be thankful they aren't making him pay for 50% of the childs upbringing. It would be a hell of alot more

Asking this as if a female is not ready she can decide either way regardless of the fathers wishes

Mum, the woman who is bringing up your partner’s child single-handed lay gets referred to as ‘female’ but your partner is the father!

When you have sex you accept there may be unintended consequences.

surely it makes sense that any parent paying csa should be on the certificate

No. It makes no sense whatsoever. Your partner would have had to have been present at registration to be on the certificate. Why should he get to opt out of that and consequently, not have to support his child?

We have a child together and we struggle to put clothes on her back yet we pay £££ to child that he has no say over and never sees

Nope, you pay a maximum of 15% of your partner’s income. Maybe go to court and seek a court order for contact rather than moan about a lack of control? You do ‘t need a solicitor. There is tons of good advice online. Or is that too much like hard work?

still expected to fund that lifestyle

No. A non resident parent is expected to make a contribution towards the upbringing of the child. Sod all to do with lifestyle. Jesus fucking wept.

You know if men were really concerned about being “surprised” with a baby 9 months later they could always hang around for a few months and see if a bump develops. But no, they want the no strings sex and then act all surprised that the sex worked.

I think most of these replies are women who get paid CSA every month or are very bitter

Yeah, only the bitter and twisted ex’s expect their child’s other parent to make a financial contribution towards the upbringing of the children. How dare they, money- grabbing bitches! You gave birth to it, you support it. Leave my partner alone, he isn’t going to find your lifestyle!

Sigh. Same old shite.

still expected to fund that lifestyle.

What lifestyle? I wouldn't really consider food, clothing, and shelter a lifestyle.