to have found out friend is a paedophile. (May be triggering)

[upsetaboutfriend]

I've held off writing this and have changed my user name even though it's probably obvious. I thought discussing it with friends and family would be enough but it's not, I'm still struggling. I came here to find out if anyone else has been in a similar situation and whose thoughts were like mine.

A mutual friend ( we have all been friends since adolescence) sent me the newspaper article. I saw his picture, I read the article but I was shocked and I felt disbelief. He pled guilty to all the charges; one of which was using a false identity to attract minors and another was possession of images of child abuse, some of which were Category A. I had to find the definition of Category A to understand just how serious it was. After reading it, my immediate feeling was that he is evil. How could he derive pleasure from this? How could he contribute to and enable the evil of child abuse.

The reason I ask all these questions is because he was my friend not some random person I didn't know. I'm applying these moral standards to him that I assumed we all shared but he obviously doesn't have them. Did he ever have moral standards? Was he ever the person I thought I knew? I feel like I'm grieving for a person that never existed. Do paedophiles who commit offences ever feel a shred of remorse? I mean real remorse for their victims and a true appreciation of the gravity of their actions? Might he have tried not to offend before just deciding to give into the urge?

I feel that now I can't be trusted to make friends especially as I have a young son. I knew him for ever a decade and I never once thought something was off. Maybe only one slightly strange thing. Why didn't I get bad vibes? I arrogantly trusted my ability to make friends with good people.

We know paedophilia is not uncommon, I always was aware of the fact I could know one but for it to be an old friend is something else entirely. I made friends with a man who has probably ruined children's childhoods and possibly their life. He has most likely caused devastation to his family. I still can't believe he had it in him though I know it's true.

I must point out that I would never continue my friendship with him because of his abhorrent crimes and the fact I have a young child. He has clearly anticipated this outcome as he has tried to block us on social media and changed his name.

This must be incredible difficult to hear, and I'm not surprised you are doubting yourself for not knowing. The harsh reality is that evil people usually wear a mask and have friends and normal lives, hiding all the disgusting things deep down. We never really know anyone, you just have to trust that you will make the right call 99% of the time. You have been unlucky this time and it will be hard to get over but stick close to your mutual friends, they will be feeling the same way too.

I had a similar experience about 8 years ago. Found out a friend’s husband narrowly missed jail after being caught with masses of child abuse images on his computer. They tried really hard to keep it all secret (moved house, left FB, etc) but I found out entirely by accident.

So I really understand how you feel. I went NC because I just couldn’t reconcile not only his crimes but the sweeping it under the carpet.

@upsetaboutfriend he wasn't going to tell you he did these things , unfortunately there are many people in society who appear to be something they are not and now you are learning . It's life unfortunately.

I haven’t been in that situation but please don’t blame/doubt yourself. Paedophiles are good at covering up behaviour, it’s how they get away with it.

Your last sentence though, you mean he’s not in jail for it? I’m assumjng by category A it means the sickest of the sickest content can be?

A friends ex was convicted of a random sexual assault, police turned up her front door and brought him in. None of us would have expected it, I thought he could be a bit smug and annoying but that's it.

You just don't know and I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Especially if you grew up together then his behaviour would just be 'how he is' rather than standing out to you in any way.

@missonitsimpossible. Sorry I didn't write everything in case some people thought I was putting in too much detail.
Don't worry, he is awaiting his sentence. It is very very likely he will be jailed. I would be appalled if not.

My last post @MissionItspossible. I got your name wrong

He’s the only one you now know about. I’d say there isn’t a person on here that doesn’t have a paedophile or more than one in their close circle of friends and family. All we can all do is keep our kids safe as possible.

I wish I didn't but I know how you feel @upsetaboutfriend
A friend of mine was charged and sent to prison two years ago for some horrendously awful crimes against very young children. I went all the way through school with him, infants, junior, senior and college. We drifted when everyone went off to uni but when I found out what he had done it made me feel sick. I have pictures of us cuddling up together on group holidays and I couldn't believe he could be guilty of something so horrific.

You can't question your ability to choose friends, I'm sure you weren't his only friend and usually these people are very good at creating a persona that is attractive to people.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is awful when you are faced with something so horrific - how could you not know? Did he use you or lie to you about certain situations etc? these are questions you are probably wanting answers for but are unlikely to ever get.

Op, my old school friend was convicted for similar offences.

He was 'a nice lad'. And an extremely, succesful adult. He used to babysit for our old English teacher. That's the sort of person he was, he was kind, supportive, responsible. His parents were extremely proud of him.

But he is what he is. And that's the disgusting secret he kept well hidden.

I think the hardest thing to get our head around is we think we'll somehow be able to.spot these people. We can't. Theyre just like us.

I was in a similar position last year. I found out that someone I lived with for almost 10 yrs was convicted and jailed for multiple historic sexual abuse against four girls (they were also friends who lived in close proximity to us) This was from when I was age 9 to 18 and he was the same age as me. As an adult he is (was) a respected member of his community, has his own business, wife, children, grandchildren.

I was devastated. We were friends, I liked him, I never felt unsafe or weird in his presence and I totally felt that somehow his arrest confirmed that my judgment was skewed. I still struggle to believe it. If I had been called as a witness I would have had to say that he was a good and kind person, popular within our group and someone I've kept in sporadic touch with over the years. Because that's the person I knew.

But. We don't know people. We only think we do because of the face they present to the world and we have to trust them and ourselves or the world would be a very dark place. If we let it affect us then we would be in danger of alienating the genuinely decent people in our lives.

I think people who do terrible things do two things:
They justify it to themselves and they compartmentalise.
That awful side of him was locked up tight in a box whenever he was around you so you only ever knew the good bits.

There’s no way you could have known, short of actually catching him in the act.

Don’t let his evil acts make you doubt your ability to make good friends. He probably was a good friend to you and would not have intentionally hurt you.

Hitler loved animals apparently.

I know someone convicted for similar offences - to all intents and purposes, a nice, easy-going man, who worked full-time and had a circle of friends and so on, but was actually secretly committing the most dreadful of crimes against children.

Don't blame yourself for not realising your former friend is evil. They walk among us.

sadly a dad of one of my sons friend from school, so knew him 8yrs, was convicted of possession of category A child pornography and making and distributing it too, escaped jail with suspended sentence as his wife stood by him. We all said he was odd but i never imagined this! The day before the news broke public he even went on a dad night out at the pub and told them how stressed he was, getting loads of sympathy and support. Then the next day it was in the papers and everyone was so angry and his duplicity. There really are awful people out there. He even felt sorry for HIMSELF! I don't know if they do have any remorse, this man doesn't seem to. Don't judge yourself, its human nature to imagine everyone is good at heart, these people will always prey on that instinct sadly.

This has happened to me. The person concerned was a close family member and I had no idea until the conviction. Look after yourself, op. It's almost like a grieving process that you go through, of course the person is still alive, but the person they were to you is now gone forever.

I agree with the pp who said this is the only one you know about. We are all very likely to have one in our circle of friends, family, teachers, local community etc. The main thing is to equip the children with the knowledge they need to keep themselves safe. Underwear rule. Always tell.

Trust no one. Sadly.

Don't let this put you off making new friends. No good person will be upset by you being overcautious about introducing new people to your son. We are all capable of being taken in by evil.

No one is 100% evil, otherwise they would not be able to commit these crimes. They are human; and they err on the side of 'bad'. They are capable of helping us out when our cars break down, of baking bread, of being hilariously funny. If they weren't helpful- weren't kind- weren't funny- if they were obviously 'bad guys', the children they abuse would run away from them before they got a chance, and the parents would never let them near.

No, everyone is complex. But they have twisted-up consciences, and selfish hearts.

I am so sorry that you have had to face this shock. The truth is, there was no way you could have known. I always say this; the only thing you can control is how you live your life, and how you respond to events. You know now. You have chosen to cease contact to keep your child safe. (Ideally, your child knows, or will be taught, the PANTS rule). Your friend broke your trust and did something awful, and that will feel just as awful, and it's okay to grieve for the friend you thought you had.

I could have written this. I actually wanted to go to court and see what his defence was...although I realised that wouldn’t make a difference there is no defence.

why i ask for last names and google people i date
sorry op just horrible

very insightful post by rixera there. you never know all of someone.

Oh god don't blame yourself. In the course of my life I have known (acquaintances only) two men arrested for online activities and had a family member jailed for abuse.

In all cases, no one had a clue. The family member was seen as basically sainted - he was a social worker, really active in the community, did volunteer work. One of the acquaintances was a teacher. His boyfriend hasn't dated since - he also says he can't trust now.

It's horrible. It's worse than a bereavement in some ways as this kind of thing takes away everything you thought you knew and had. So hard.

Thanks to everyone for your supportive posts and I'm so sorry for those posters who have been in similar questions.
Genuine question: how can I keep my son safe? Believe me, I have a good idea how to but I don't want to make him anxious and fearful.

The other thing is I didn't mean to make this a drip feed but I paid my friend in a professional capacity to take pictures of me and family. The images were all of what you would expect from a family shoot. My child is much younger than his apparent target age if I believe the press report but might he have done anything horrible with those photographs? The police told me it was unlikely but I can file a report if I wished. They would give me no further information.

I've also been through this although after the fact. A good friend had been in prison for offences but had, for obvious reasons, not disclosed it. Except he had to if he was friends with anyone with children - it was part of the conditions of his release and flagged on the sex offenses register. He was never to be alone with them.

First I knew was when two police officers knocked on my door and asked me if I'd known. I had social services calling me and I was in the process of going through a DBS check to become a school governor which was delayed due to it. I am a single parent and if my ExH had heard of it, I could've lost my children (dramatic but my Ex is a cunt and would have played on this).

He tried to justify but there was absolutely no justification for putting me in that position. He was supposedly reformed and he did seem a good guy but he still kept his dirty little secret. Whilst my children were never alone with him, they knew him and he'd been welcomed into my house and I hate the fact I spent a long time looking back to see if I could've known or did i miss something.

So OP - don't beat yourself up. It happens more than anyone realises and it really made me question my judgement. But it's not shameful to trust people and presume they're good.

OP, the best ways to keep your son safe are to have a good relationship with him and teach him 'body boundaries'. Talk about his privates and who is allowed near them (obvs depends on age); ie, 'mummy and daddy help you wipe, a doctor can look if it is sore down there, and nobody else needs to because those parts are private and belong to you'. Not to make him stressed, but as casual chat while getting dressed.

We also have a book called 'some parts are not for sharing', which is a really crap book but good for starting the conversation. My daughter used to read it to her teddies :')

Encourage him that if anyone makes him feel bad, he should tell you or his daddy, even if that someone is usually nice, so you can sort it all out. Remind him he'll never be in trouble for telling you if he feels bad or if someone does something he doesn't want them to. We turn that into a game; call and response type. 'If someone makes you feel bad, who do you tell?' 'MUMMY!' Who else can you tell? 'DADDY!' Big hi 5's!

I doubt he will have done anything with the photos if they're out of his target age range and just uninteresting family photos, but you can get the police to investigate if you want. But tbh I'd say that was more down to just being a 'kind friend' (ick). Family photos wouldn't get that much attention online when there is so much more explicit material available.

@SanFranBear. That's what I'm doing, reading all our old conversations, looking for indications. Madness