to have found out friend is a paedophile. (May be triggering)

[upsetaboutfriend]

I've held off writing this and have changed my user name even though it's probably obvious. I thought discussing it with friends and family would be enough but it's not, I'm still struggling. I came here to find out if anyone else has been in a similar situation and whose thoughts were like mine.

A mutual friend ( we have all been friends since adolescence) sent me the newspaper article. I saw his picture, I read the article but I was shocked and I felt disbelief. He pled guilty to all the charges; one of which was using a false identity to attract minors and another was possession of images of child abuse, some of which were Category A. I had to find the definition of Category A to understand just how serious it was. After reading it, my immediate feeling was that he is evil. How could he derive pleasure from this? How could he contribute to and enable the evil of child abuse.

The reason I ask all these questions is because he was my friend not some random person I didn't know. I'm applying these moral standards to him that I assumed we all shared but he obviously doesn't have them. Did he ever have moral standards? Was he ever the person I thought I knew? I feel like I'm grieving for a person that never existed. Do paedophiles who commit offences ever feel a shred of remorse? I mean real remorse for their victims and a true appreciation of the gravity of their actions? Might he have tried not to offend before just deciding to give into the urge?

I feel that now I can't be trusted to make friends especially as I have a young son. I knew him for ever a decade and I never once thought something was off. Maybe only one slightly strange thing. Why didn't I get bad vibes? I arrogantly trusted my ability to make friends with good people.

We know paedophilia is not uncommon, I always was aware of the fact I could know one but for it to be an old friend is something else entirely. I made friends with a man who has probably ruined children's childhoods and possibly their life. He has most likely caused devastation to his family. I still can't believe he had it in him though I know it's true.

I must point out that I would never continue my friendship with him because of his abhorrent crimes and the fact I have a young child. He has clearly anticipated this outcome as he has tried to block us on social media and changed his name.

Unfortunately this happens, someone we know (wouldn't call a friend and hadn't seen for years) was convicted, we're talking front page of the tabloids convicted! It really makes you question your judgement, was their signs we should have reported? Obviously not always, they are devious, they hide their tracks but it's horrible all the same

I was in scouts and one of my old scout leaders was in the papers years later for grooming young boys. Chilling.

Also a close family member was sexually abused as a child by another family member. Not saying who cause it's upsetting for me to even think about, never mind write. It's not something I ever talk about.

I had a very similar experience, a good friend of mine went to jail for it and apparently the contents of his laptop were pretty horrendous.

In hindsight there were a few signs too, that we all felt we should never have missed (flirting with much younger siblings, we thought he was just being the friendly /cheeky older sibling's friend, all is girlfriends while being over 16, looked very very young for their ages and had very boyish frames)

It is shocking, and it makes you question not just your relationship to the evil fucker, but to everyone else too. Because if they managed to pull the wool so firmly over everyone's eyes, who else could be doing the same?

It's a horrible situation to be in op and I'm afraid I don't really have any advice as I still struggle with it but you most certainly have my deepest sympathy.

ZOMBIE

On average most people have contact with 2 people in their lives who are peadophiles

OP...I dont know if this comment will be helpful or upsetting but one of my friends was in a similar situation to you and against all advice from us she wrote to lets call him John...He was on remand awaiting trial..the lovely,happy,trusted,respected friend who everyone adored...She was in a terrible state when it all came out and she wanted to know why...of course being in the friendship circle none of us knew no one had any inkling but neither could we answer her questions...so she wrote to him...She told him how her world had crumbled,how she felt decieved how could she have not known,how could he be like he was....I never thought he would respond to her but he did...He told her all sorts of stuff no one in their right mind would want to know,of details that were later to come out in court and as to why,,,well he felt it was right...he almost wanted her to believe his theory about how much he loved children,,he reckoned he genuinely loved children and he couldnt or wouldnt accept in his own head that he was a monster,,,he was and probably is still highly dangerous...What I a trying to say I suppose is this course of action helped her,,,,,I couldnt do it but she needed some sort of closure and he provided it...My friend was able to move on after that a bit but I dont think I could have gone to those lengths but she said he was the only one who could explain...and explain he did cos to this day he still in his own mind believes he was right....I fear he is not wired up properly in his head but she could walk away and regain her strength after corresponding....

I had a similar situation, only with a neighbour. A was around 80, a widower with 5 kids and several grandchildren all living nearby. He used to spend a lot of time in the front garden and talked to everyone, adults and kids alike.

It came out that he had brutally abused a kid in the neighbourhood. He befriended the parents, used to give the dad alcohol and then abused the girl. He warned the girl he would poison her dad's whisky if she told.

There was that awful jolt of fear that he had abused my kids, they used to talk to him but luckily they were safe. Having that conversation and asking them questions was awful, they had also never suspected anything going on.

It didn't come out for 10 years, by this point the girl was a teenager going off the rails. The police found pairs of her pants he had kept as trophies. Worse still it came out he had done similar 20 years back and not been convicted because of lack of evidence, a fact which if known would have alerted people to keep their kids away from him.

There was the utter shock that someone seemingly such a nice guy and a family man had done something so terrible. Could we have noticed and stopped it happening? The answer is no.

I read during the Michael Jackson case that he also groomed the parents and others around him. Sex offenders are calculated manipulators, and sadly often cannot be spotted.

In my late teens I shared a camper with its owner and another camper, on our way down to the main campsite for a festival. I only slept in it two nights but a few months after the festival we were all shocked to discover that the (much much older than me) man was done for being a paedophile. Not a single one of the people in our large social group knew.

You feel line this because he groomed you. Probably a bit like Louis Theroux felt with Jimmy Saville. Charm is part of that process I guess in order to normalise their behaviour.

I have been in a similar position, a friend I knew since I was very small and had grown up with. He was charged for possession child pornograph of all categories.

I am a victim of child sex abuse and the person in question knew this. Before I found out he had a long conversation with me trying to justify peadophiles actions and how child porn “wasn’t that bad” because one image can be reused. He used all the typical arguments, the children are smiling, it’s legal in some countries etc. Obviously I didn’t agree and was very upset that he was minimising the harm that happened to me and trying to justify it. I was at a point where I was dealing with my experience and wondering if I was to blame. So it wasn’t helpful.

Once I found out I shut him off, as did the rest of our friendship group. We still talk to his brother. I know it’s wrong but I can’t totally trust his brother now either. They were close and the extent of the collection of the way they lived and shared their computers etc I’m surprised he didn’t have an inkling. It was a housemate that found the images and reported it.

@HildaZelda

I am so sorry for what your grandfather did and the affect it’s had on you and your family. But just to add, it was most definitely rape. It is not possible for a child to consent to sex. So whether it appears consensual or not, it’s rape nonetheless. I just wanted to add this as someone who has experienced abuse. It can be quite confusing to think of sex as conseual. Children aren’t capable of consenting to sex with an adult.