to have found out friend is a paedophile. (May be triggering)

[upsetaboutfriend]

I've held off writing this and have changed my user name even though it's probably obvious. I thought discussing it with friends and family would be enough but it's not, I'm still struggling. I came here to find out if anyone else has been in a similar situation and whose thoughts were like mine.

A mutual friend ( we have all been friends since adolescence) sent me the newspaper article. I saw his picture, I read the article but I was shocked and I felt disbelief. He pled guilty to all the charges; one of which was using a false identity to attract minors and another was possession of images of child abuse, some of which were Category A. I had to find the definition of Category A to understand just how serious it was. After reading it, my immediate feeling was that he is evil. How could he derive pleasure from this? How could he contribute to and enable the evil of child abuse.

The reason I ask all these questions is because he was my friend not some random person I didn't know. I'm applying these moral standards to him that I assumed we all shared but he obviously doesn't have them. Did he ever have moral standards? Was he ever the person I thought I knew? I feel like I'm grieving for a person that never existed. Do paedophiles who commit offences ever feel a shred of remorse? I mean real remorse for their victims and a true appreciation of the gravity of their actions? Might he have tried not to offend before just deciding to give into the urge?

I feel that now I can't be trusted to make friends especially as I have a young son. I knew him for ever a decade and I never once thought something was off. Maybe only one slightly strange thing. Why didn't I get bad vibes? I arrogantly trusted my ability to make friends with good people.

We know paedophilia is not uncommon, I always was aware of the fact I could know one but for it to be an old friend is something else entirely. I made friends with a man who has probably ruined children's childhoods and possibly their life. He has most likely caused devastation to his family. I still can't believe he had it in him though I know it's true.

I must point out that I would never continue my friendship with him because of his abhorrent crimes and the fact I have a young child. He has clearly anticipated this outcome as he has tried to block us on social media and changed his name.

jesus christ

Of course @slimjemima. I have sympathy for people who are paedophiles but don't want to be and will never act on their desires. I wish my friend was like that.

@TimIsHavingABadDay. Sorry your mother didn't support you through that horrific time.
@HildaZelda. That's horrifying. Your parents were awful for putting you in harm's way.

I had something similar. It was a old office manager. He was a wonderful, kind boss who defended us from the 'head office' and made the best working conditions I've ever had. He also put himself in charge of our yearly 'Take your kids to work' day which involved being with our children out of our sight during the day. He's now in prison for disseminating child abuse images. We were all absolutely gobsmacked and had trouble believing it (his wife denied it was true) until he pled guilty because they had him dead to rights.

I questioned my (now adult) son and he has said that this man never stepped out of line with him and to the best of his remembrance was never alone with any one child. I guess it was a case of 'don't shit where you eat'.

Bottom line is that you just don't know.

upsetaboutfriend for your awful situation. Don't beat yourself up about not seeing it coming. I found out about a decade ago that a fairly close relative had a conviction for child sexual abuse (found out about it in a fairly shocking way too - an out of the blue phone call from the police sergeant on his offender management team to say he understood I'd been at a family gathering along with my DS in the company of this man, and had my son been left alone with him at any point? Thank god I hadn't. I am now no-contact.)

The thing you have to remember is that these people are very good at grooming. And grooming isn't just about the children, it's about the adults round them. They are incredibly adept at building a "harmless uncle Fred, just the person you'd leave to babysit your child" - because that's how they manage to be successful predators.

Your best line of defence against them isn't developing mind-reading skills, it's developing a repertoire of safeguarding techniques - making sure your children know the names for parts of their bodies, know that they have personal boundaries (the NSPCC "pants" rule), knowing that they should come and talk to you if anyone makes them uncomfortable, knowing about "tricky" adults who use techniques like trying to get them alone, trying to get them to keep secrets, trying to make them feel indebted.

But it will be a shock, and will take you a while to adjust.

My husband is a prison officer in a sex offenders' prison. He said the majority of them believe themselves to be innocent. Increasingly these days he has many prisoners in for historical crimes like the ones most talked about in the media currently, and mostly they're 80 year old men confused as to why they're there. The worst offenders (I don't ask for details because it makes me feel ill) are normally the ones who see no issue with what they've done.

There is no third sense or gut feeling for weeding out paedophiles. Not only do they look like everyone else, but often they are charming people, socially competent who put up a great front and deceive everyone.

The paedophile in my school who abused dozens of children was loved by all the parents.

I also had a work colleague who was convicted of sexual offences against children (I didn’t want to find out the details of what he did) appeared to be a lovely, kind man and I knew him for years.

The answer cant be to fear everyone though. Most people are not paedophiles and we need family and friend relationships to thrive and grow. The answer is to listen to children when they speak. We all knew about the guy at my school, no knew listened to us. I told my mum and she said nothing - she never did anything either. Listen to children, believe children.

I don't beleive there is no such thing as evil people Tim.
Yes, they seem nice, yes they often have ordinary lives and families etc just like anyone. But there is something so rotten in the act of abusing (or abusing by proxy) a child, and the ability so many of them have to mask and lie and groom.
To be able to actually do that just because you want to, because of some urge, IS evil. There is no other word.

I just wanted to say something about this particular bit in the OP:

Do paedophiles who commit offences ever feel a shred of remorse? I mean real remorse for their victims and a true appreciation of the gravity of their actions? Might he have tried not to offend before just deciding to give into the urge?

A number of years ago I volunteered with a phone helpline. There was a caller who rang up a number of times. He apparently rang on occasions when he was finding it difficult to repress his feelings of attraction to a child. He said calling the helpline helped him talk himself out of wanting to act on his feelings. He had previously spent time in jail for child abuse and calling the helpline was one of his strategies to avoid reoffending.

He said things along the lines of: Although he was attracted to children and it seemed normal to him, he had come to realise that it must be abnormal, simply because so many other people said it was. He realised that if the vast majority of people believe it is wrong and do not feel attracted to children, then he was likely that he was the one who was abnormal, rather than the majority being abnormal and his feelings being acceptable. Although it didn't feel wrong to him, he could understand the concept that society in general believed it was wrong and therefore it must be wrong.

Knowing this did not change the way he felt though. I guess it is like a mental illness and something is wrong with the way the brain is wired.

Obviously, I do not know whether he was being truthful but I have no reason to believe he was lying to me. There would have been no obvious advantage - we never met, did not know each others' names and didn't know where in the country the other person was.

I also have no idea whether there are any other child abuse perpetrators who feel this way. This is just my experience of having spoken to one person anonymously.

I have just done a safeguarding course and learnt that the majority of paedophiles were themselves victims of abuse when they were children. It's a terribly sad vicious circle.

My grandfather abused my mother and sister as children. He died before I was born, so I never met him thank goodness. He was a pillar of the community, in a very senior role, and apparently very vivacious and funny.

It’s awful. I felt such anguish that my mother had to go through that. My grandmother denied it all her life, however she must have known. After I knew I could barely speak to her.

The impact of abuse is horrific and long lasting. My mother was scarred and looking back never bought me a nice dress or did my hair, like she didn’t want me to look pretty. She also has a vulnerability and I’ve always felt like I should look after her. My brothers too I think feel wary, almost as if they worry it’s in the genes and treat women with so much respect. I’ve only told one person, it’s like a hideous secret. The person I told was so revulsed and became distant to me.

I understand OP. The shock of it. You don’t know who to tell. I think time does make it better. I’m certainly extremely wary about my kids and don’t let them be looked after by family members that I’m not 1000% sure of.

It's compulsive behaviour...

Many paedophiles believe their offences re ok... That society is wrong....

They justify, minimise and deny their behavior..... It didn't happen / I only said 'hello' /the 4 Yr old came on to me

They will lie, manipulate and be very believable....

Sadly many of us will have active pedophiles in our family and friendship groups... Are often the people who seem the most unlikely... The super pleasant helpful uncle, the person who puts themselves out to help... The local teacher everyone loves... The adoring dad...

Best we can do? Report anything suspicious.. You will never be told off... Social services MUST investigate ... And teach kids the nspcc PANTS
happiful.com/nspcc-relaunch-pants-campaign/

Yep, there's no way you could have known. Many years ago a male friend who was generous and kind to me in many ways opened up and told me he was sexually attracted to children. He had a complete rationale worked out about how this was fine, it could and should be consensual, children are sexual creatures and delighted to participate, etc etc. I was in an odd place myself, being young (tho not so young that he went after me) and naive, and having just escaped from the house of a man I believed was dangerous to the 'safe haven' of this male friend's house. Plus all this was in a foreign country where I felt rather 'all-at-sea'.

The long and the short of it was I could barely work out (and didn't want to ask) if my friend was just talking hypothetically or from experience, and I never reported it. The friend was a big shot and well respected in his local community; this was the 1990s; and in retrospect I don't think I would have been believed if I'd reported him--and what would I have reported, anyway? Mr X told me he thinks this way about sexual relationships with children? And no, I have no evidence that anything has actually happened?

Now I am old and cynical, I think he was feeling out my own views on the topic to see if I wanted to be a 'partner in crime' with him. It kind of chills my blood to think about it.

In my case the man was a friend of a family member.
It ended very badly.
The family member does not know. I have to keep the secret because it would cause so much devastation and destroy my relationship with that person. The man has disappeared.
I reported and sought advice via NSPCC and police. They couldn't help.
It is an awful burden to carry.

So sorry to hear that @Thishappenedtome. I think you should tell your family member regardless of what it will do to them or tell another trusted family member.

Purple, loads of women are abused and most of them don't abuse anyone, these people are perpetrators first but like to think they are victims

This is one reason I'm glad we have no friends or family. You don't truly know who anyone is. I'm sorry op you must be so confused right now.

My mum started going to a support group where she met friends, and got close to one, she went along to visit her son in prison in support, I don’t know if she knew, but he was paedophilia and both her children were abused by their own father.

This guy got 15 years let out after 7, on good behaviour, sickening!
Class A porn and rape of child on beach?

Mum to this day thinks his innocent,
My sibling no longer talks to our mum, totally understandable but I do only due to being vulnerable and gullible tbh we only members of family, who my mum got!

Wait, this man is CHANGING HIS SOCIAL MEDIA ALIASES after being charged with viewing these images of child abuse?

Alert the police to these new names. He may be trying to engage with more minors.

You really shouldn't blame yourself for not getting the vibes. Some of these people are so good at living a lie, it's not surprising and I'm so sorry you've lost a friend. It must be a massive shock.

My eldest niece had a boyfriend; you couldn't meet a nicer person, he was great, kind, funny, spent time playing with younger niece, volunteered in youth club. Everyone thought he was the loveliest person and couldn't praise him highly enough until the day when youngest niece told her mother what he had tried to do to her. My sister was in shock and felt she had failed her DD, how could she not have recognised what he was etc. The police found hundreds of photos of children on his computer. We all said if any of us ever saw him again he had better run for his life.

You can rarely know what are people hiding. Brutal murderers, peadophiles, rapists... There is so many of them when people swear they wear pillar of the community and it was never suspected, because they were just sooooo nice.

PANTS is a great way to teach your children about how to stay safe
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

*were🙄

Someone I know described (not in an approving way) paedophiles as 'a minority-in-waiting'. I suspect it's not too far off the mark, but I hope I'll be dead by then.

I’m not surprised that you’re struggling with what you’ve found out about your friend. I imagine it must’ve been a complete shock to read about it in the media, and I can see it has left you with many unanswered questions. I want to reassure you that being friends with him in the past doesn’t mean you’re a bad judge of character, or that it was your fault that you didn’t suspect what he was doing online. After all, many people keep this kind of behaviour a secret.

Unfortunately, without talking to this person you are never going to fully understand why he did what he did. However, you might find it helpful to look at the family and friends section of the get-help.stopitnow.org.uk website, where you’ll find lots of information about why people may access indecent images of children.

I work on a helpline through which we talk to thousands of people who have viewed indecent images of children online, to help them understand why they accessed it and how they can ensure they do not access it again. In doing so, we have found that many people are not actually paedophiles (i.e. have a preferential sexual interest in children), but they are people who have spent a lot of time online looking at legal pornography and have become desensitised to certain images overtime. They may not just look at pornography for sexual reasons, but as a way to manage stress or reduce any negative feelings. Most people feel incredibly guilty for what they are doing. While this does not in any way make the behaviour OK, it does offer an explanation as to why more and more people seem to be accessing illegal content, and why it is essential that they can access support to stop.