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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let big brother warn off bully

115 replies

AFOLNerd · 17/10/2018 10:44

Dd has just started high school and is having a pretty hard time of it. She has a medical condition which has caused deformities to her hands and feet. One particularly vile boy in her form has been tormenting her about it. He has been spoken to by the school more that once and still continues.
Last night she came home in tears because after school this little brat had chased her across the field shouting at anyone who would listen to “come and look at these fucked up hands, her feet are like it too” “what the fuck is wrong with you”

Her big brother is at the school, he is a 6 foot year 10 and he wants to have a word and tell him to back off. He has promised me he won’t do today unless he witnesses something. I trust him completely that he wouldn’t lay a finger on this kid, it would just be an “I’m watching you, stay away from my sister” kind of thing. But obviously I don’t want him getting in trouble.

I have emailed her form tutor and told them all this and that this kid needs to be stopped before Ds steps in to defend her.

If the school don’t stop this boy Aibu to let Ds have a word?

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 17/10/2018 11:11

Its disgusting that child hasnt been suspended, what a vile child. Yep definitely let big brother have a word with the little twat (only use that word when Im really mad). that will soon nip it in the bud.

TooTrueToBeGood · 17/10/2018 11:12

I would just make sure that big brother is a squeaky clean hero; ie he can have a threatening effect but he must not swear or be abusive or utter any overt threat.

Bugger that. I'd tell him to put the fear of god into the bullying little shit. Just make sure there are no witnesses and deny everything. The BLS has had his chance with the school talking to him. An older boy giving him a stern but polite ticking off like some Jacob Rees-Mogg tribute act is hardly going to rattle him.

ittakes2 · 17/10/2018 11:13

Normally I would say best not to get involved and let the school deal with it - but after reading what has been happening...absolutely. I agree, scare the shit out of him - he deserves it. Your poor daughter. Please tell her we are all thinking of her. Maybe she should learn some martial arts and if anyone makes any comments she can tell them her hands work well enough to do this...and smack them in the jaw.

user1486915549 · 17/10/2018 11:15

My little brother reminded me recently how brave I was when I had a word with his school bullies.
He is in his 50’s now so he was obviously really impressed at the time !
Let your son have a word too, that’s what older siblings are for.

SheeshazAZ09 · 17/10/2018 11:17

I am with those who advise allowing DS to have a word with the nasty little bully. I speak from my experience from when I was a teacher. A student was harassing me in a creepy sexualised way. Nothing I did to try to shut down his behaviour worked. Finally a tall and beefy fellow student witnessed his behaviour and 'had a word' with him, away from my hearing. I have no idea what my defender said to the harasser but he insisted he didn't hurt him and I believe him. But he did seem to put the fear of God into him. From that day forth, the nuisance student adopted exemplary and respectful behaviour. My defender told me, "It's the only language these people understand." Sad but there you are.

RoboticMary · 17/10/2018 11:17

My brothers did this when I was going through a hellish time at school. I’m so grateful they did and I never had trouble again! I agree with a PP, no witnesses and deny everything if he’s questioned.

SimplyPut · 17/10/2018 11:17

When DD began secondary school one boy made her life hell. After months of frustration by the head of year (only so much power, Head didn't have a bullying issue) DS pinned the boy to a wall and warned him off. The head of year saw it and turned a blind eye.

Not something I would encourage normally but it worked!

MrsTommyBanks · 17/10/2018 11:19

I would. I still have very clear memories of me having words with my little sisters bullies over 35 years later.
Never had a problem after they met me.
My eldest did the same for his youngest sister. It worked that time too.

averylongtimeago · 17/10/2018 11:19

My DS saw off the bullies for his sister. At over 6ft and built like a brick shithouse, he used to loom menacingly. He did thump one, a teacher saw, turned round and walked the other way.
Caution him against violence, but let him look out for her, that's what families do.

BeautifulPossibilities · 17/10/2018 11:20

Make sure your son has a couple of pals with him as witnesses so that if small boy's parents complain then your son has people with him to vouch for him not touching small boy.

diddl · 17/10/2018 11:20

"after school this little brat had chased her across the field shouting at anyone who would listen ..."

Did any of the others join in with him or defend her?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 17/10/2018 11:22

I would let my DS do that, but be sure that a) little bully doesn't have bigger bastard sibs, b) the school can't get him for it.

There was an awful bully in my ex's year at school. Ex just tried to stay out of his way as staff/parental involvement didn't help and he didn't want bother. Until in yr 11 Ex's little bro in yr 9 became a target. Ex decided enough was enough and loosened some teeth (not on purpose, he's an exceptionally mild mannered physicist who simply managed to line up a perfect punch). It worked & the thug never went after either of them again!

Sitranced · 17/10/2018 11:22

Let him. My big brother did the same for me when I was about 11 or 12 when I was being bullied by a boy in my class. My teenage 6ft rugby player of a brother told him what for and scared him off. The bully didn't give me any trouble after that. My brother would do the same for me now. My DH told me that when he first met my brother he took him to one side and said "break her heart and I'll break your legs". Grin

E20mom · 17/10/2018 11:26

I did exactly the same for my little brother.

It worked a treat.

Hunlife · 17/10/2018 11:27

Let him. I had a skin condition at school and one boy used to love to torment me about it. My brother was in year 10 and went to have a word. Brother's friend grabbed bully by the scruff of the neck and held him over a banister (which was obviously going a bit far). Anyway the bullying stopped instantly funnily enough.

DaffoDeffo · 17/10/2018 11:27

yes, it's the way of the world and always has been

older dd and her friends did this for ds and it was the only thing that worked

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/10/2018 11:29

I would also allow him to step in and speak to the boy.

I had to do it for my dsis when we were at school, she was being badly picked on and after that it stopped. As long as he doesn't touch him, I don't see the problem.

I also wouldn't be happy with the school, they need to be dealing with this.

FlamingJuno · 17/10/2018 11:30

DS2 was relentlessly bullied from the moment he started school. It continued in secondary and included his friendship group who were regarded as fair game because they were "arty farty" i.e. musical / dancing / drama which made them "gay" and therefore legitimate targets Hmm.

The bullying was such that the group of bullies would follow the bullied home and form a mob outside the house of DS2's friend where they all liked to hang out. The school refused to get involved, police weren't interested.

Two things happened to resolve the situation - one day one of DS2's friends just snapped, lashed out and a brawl ensued, which was "won" by DS2's group (they were a year older, bigger, stronger and ready for a fight). The second thing was that some years later, one of the bullies tried to re-open the debate with DS2 in a bar resulting in another brawl which was apparently like one you see in old cowboy movies. DS1 was also there, enjoying a quiet drink with his mate. He is a burly 6ft 1 rugby player, always laid back, but on that occasion he waded in, pulled DS2 out by his scruff and deposited the bully into the gutter.

The boys still talk about both incidents today and DS1's intervention reinforced their bond (there's a big age gap).

I'd say let your DS do what big brothers do - your DD will thank you for it, and it will be a hugely positive thing in their relationship. Most of MN doesn't agree with this approach however Wink.

worridmum · 17/10/2018 11:30

Just be prepated for the school to deal with her big brother far more harshly.

Year 7 name calling is bad but when year 10 or year 11 name call, threaten violence / intimidation year 7s at the school i work as governor treats it as much more serious.

Like name calling is a bad behaviour will be dealt with a minor punishment like detention etc but anything that could be even consided racial in nature automatic exculsion.

At my sons school someone was calling everyone names and being really mean to others got called out and was told he was a nasty gobshite his year 11 brother had 'words' with the people that called out the nasty behaviour he was exculded for 2 weeks because a 16 year old should NOT be beating up / intimidating 11 year olds and any school should come down on this like a ton of bricks.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 17/10/2018 11:31

See if a few of his friends will do it with him........just in a 'what the hell do you think you're playing at ' way

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 17/10/2018 11:38

I would let him, my brothers did it for me and I went with my friend to have a little talk to her little sisters bully. They all backed off, no harm done.

Housingcraze · 17/10/2018 11:40

Get brother to have a word! When I was younger my sister step in and made a very big difference

bigKiteFlying · 17/10/2018 11:44

DS was having issues at primary, move and new school, and school were saying everything was fine. So I asked DD1 on same playground to keep an eye out for him - so we could work out what was going on.

To my surprise she did way more than that -she sorted it.

Refused to let dinner ladies dismiss it - got her friends to back her up what was happening, spoke to the boys directly and it stopped. I did worry when she left it would start up but he was settled with friends.

Did worry about secondary as year above was full of little shits and his friend in year above went to different secondary’s to avoid but again DD1 kept an eye out and he has friends so hasn’t yet been an issue.

So IME it can be very effective.

Ceecee18 · 17/10/2018 11:45

worridmum. It's a bit different defending a younger sibling whose been bullying others than a younger sibling who is being bullied though. I think most schools would be able to see the difference there.

And honestly if not then the school needs to look at their priorities. The school I work have had a word with older siblings who've stepped in and told them to go to staff for help in future, but would never be more strict with them than the original bully (unless they had physically hurt the bully). Of course it's not okay for a year 11 to threaten or intimidate a year 7, but the circumstances here are different, he's not just bullying this kid because he can, he's telling the boy to stop bullying his sister. Anyone with common sense would be able to see that it's not the same.

SheSparkles · 17/10/2018 11:45

Absolutely. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire and in language the little shit will understand. This is one of these times.