Why did he do this? (DH being a twat related)

[Whatthehe]

DS got up with DH for work at 8. Heard DS ask if he could play on the iPad, DH said no.

A while later (I dozed off, ds had been up in the night with earache which is why I was snatching a lie in) I heard DH say “go and ask your mother”. Ds came in and asked if he could have the iPad.

I have no idea why DH has sent him in, he’s already said no. But maybe it’s been longer than I think (dozing) so I say “ooh I don’t know, ask daddy).

Ds goes out, I hear DH say “what did mummy say?” Ds say “she says ask daddy” DH comes storming in the bedroom stands over me and rages for “batting it back at him”.

I explain that these were my options.

1. I say yes. He rages at me that I made the decision and go against his.

1. I say no. He tells DS very sorry but mummy won't let you.

1. I say ask daddy. He comes in and rages for "bouncing it back".

So basically he has an abusive answer to anything I will say so I couldn't even begin to second guess the "right" answer.

I asked him why he had sent ds in when he had already told him no. He stuttered “ it doesn’t matter why” and slammed off to work.

He is stressed at work. We’ve just moved and he took time off and now has to catch up (high level city job)

I'm sorry, but that sounds like you're making excuses for him. So he's stressed from his city job, so what? It isn't carter blanche to behave like an idiot. I'm not in the LTB camp here, but the way he's behaved is not OK. That text is appallingly juvenile.

*carte blanche

I'd have posted in relationships rather than aibu, OP, as responses here tend to be somewhat more... strongly worded. I don't think it's a ltb offence personally. Sounds to me like he had a bad morning and snapped at you, which was not great of him but does happen on occasion. I'd leave it for now and see what happens later.

So he is probably reenacting the childhood HE grew up with.

It is absolutely unacceptable to put you in this no win situation and THEN lambast you for not engaging. You need to ask him if he were in your shoes which of the 3 options you were given would HE have picked? If he's up and on duty, HE gets to make the decisions. You don't need HIS approval for decisions about the iPad, and he certainly doesn't need yours.

It was out-bloody-rageous for him to passive-aggressively scupper YOUR lie in just because HE had to get up for work.

He sounds awful. and yes I WOULD start thinking about options to go it alone if in a relationship like this! How DARE he!

You have ONE shot - calmly and firmly state that you were up in the night because HE had to get up early in the morning. Therefore you were having YOUR time to catch up on sleep you had actually LOST. YOU got up all night with a poorly DS so HE didn't' have to. How DARE he interfere with your sleep when you have protected his.

YOU were up with a poorly little person. YOU are stressed at YOUR WORK, so he has no excuse to treat you the way he does. A bit of common respect is needed.

He sounds like a knob.

And it sounds like you were probably correct in leaving him the first time.

OK, so I can understand why he sent DS in. You are presumably going to be responsible for DS during the day and he is off to work. Decision should be yours as he is about to leave the house. No point in raging about him sending DS in.
I can understand why you didn't want to make a decision as you wanted to back DH up and be united so didn't want to undermine him.
Either of these things could've happened to me and DH, but he would not be having a go at me for batting it back, nor would I be texting him to demand an appology. He would probably have come in and asked what I wanted as he was about to leave. I might've wished he'd made the decision without involving me, but I would've kept quiet about that.

You probably need a chat about cutting each other a bit of slack. Sounds like you both need to stop blaming the other for every little thing. You will not always make the decision that the other person wants you to. But that's ok.

Agree with Hissy.

Has your husband had any counselling related to his childhood and going no contact?

We went to one counselling session when I walked out all those years ago. It was a farce.

One of the things I explained to the counsellor was now ds was here, lots of people - medical, nursery, etc tell you what to do (doc says take DS to hospital for example) but when I then tell DH, he says DS doesn’t need to go to hospital and I was wrong for ringing the doctor. (Note DH at work, me caring for DS)

Counsellor said that DH was seeing me in that parent role and reacting. Ok. I explained that for some reason other people (our building management people, neighbours, friends..) came to me rather than DH when they needed something from us. Even if DH was the contact, they would seek me out. (His family did this a lot, rang me to tell him to ring them!) I explained to counsellor that this triangulation was horrible all round.

We arranged a second session and DH was to pay before the date. He didn’t. What did the counsellor do? RANG ME to ask why DH hadn’t paid! He triangulated himself! I asked him to speak to DH as he had the money. He didn’t, he emailed me 🙄

DH never did anything about it. He won’t go back now, said the guy was stupid, which he was!

How old is the child? Because if he's old enough to understand the process of "playing one parent off against the other", even if he isn't necessarily able to name it as such, then I wouldn't say "he's a good boy who never complains when he can't have the iPad."

Because dad said no. And clearly your DS kept asking, at least once after the unequivocal no that you say you heard, and possibly even more times than that which may have triggered an exasperated directive to "go and ask your mother".

In other words, while I do think your husband is a prat, I don't necessarily think your son is entirely innocent either. He sounds like he may well have nagged. He certainly attempted to play you and your husband off against each other, if he did indeed come in to ask you after being told no by dad.

This assessment, of course, depends on the age of the DS. I'd give a three year old more of a pass than an eight year old, if you see what I mean.

son is 3

I meant maybe your dh needs to see a counsellor for himself. Not with you. You ate not the problem.

italiongreyhound

I know, but he won’t.

He’s rung to apologise but I had to say sorry first. 🙄 I did, life’s too short. That’s as good as you get with him. He will now spend the next few days overworking at home when he gets in (cleaning, doing stuff I usually do) to make up for his twittishness.

Worth noting his Ps are cut off because they refuse to apologise. His parents are like that. “Too proud” my mother says.

Oh he also said “I bet you’re talking on the internet about me, I don’t appreciate that”. I said I needed advice and that’s how I get it.

Perhaps he’s that poster on the thread lol!

You say you left him years ago when DS was a baby. I was imagining 4, 5, 6 years ago at the very least, but your DS is only 3

He really does sound bloody horrible. How dare he complain and indicate that he knows best when a Dr has said to get to hospital?

He sounds arrogant and ignorant

DS was a few weeks old. About three and a half years ago.

I think mountains are being made out of molehills on both sides here I'm afraid. Don't sweat the small stuff!

He really does sound bloody horrible. How dare he complain and indicate that he knows best when a Dr has said to get to hospital?

I know. That’s why I walked. He stopped being as bad after that as he stopped being in touch with his Ps who were trying to call the shots from afar also. His family NEVER go to there dictors, I think they see it as weak, even though over the years two children and one adult have had to have surgery which probably could have been avoided if they had acted earlier!

Fascinating that the board is split, some think it’s nothing, something think it’s huge. I expect personal experience comes into play.

I know people like the DH. “Proud” is the old fashioned way of saying “bloody minded”. Comes from a sad place rather than a bad place though

I wonder though op, how long will it be until you get another lie in? At the next opportunity, or will you sense an opportunity, remember this lie in and think it's not worth it?
He made you apologise first, for a situation he created and then prevented you from talking about.

When you say you told the counsellor to call your husband because he has the money, is that in general or because it was his responsibility to pay for it? Do you have access to the money as you wish or does he have to sign off what you are allowed and where it is spent?

MonkeysMummy17 I need my sleep, I get my lie ins!

No money worries, it was just the arrangement made. No signing off, I have more money if we counted!

I think this has all been blown out of proportion he couldn't be bothered to say no again so sent DS in to you, rather than acknowledge you'd heard him say no and support that, you played fun and batted it back to DP. You both sound quite immature. You're also using a cognitive distortion called mind reading , you say he would've answered in one of only three ways, but you're essentially putting words in his mouth, you don't know how he was going to respond. If he'd told you how you would refund there be a chorus of LTB. he's been petty, you've been petty. Move on and actually talk to each other.

I agree on the whole blown out of proportion comment. But it is what it is. Sometimes it happens... couple argue about what seems like a small thing and it's actually as a result of something underlying the hasn't been spoken about.

He shouldn't have sent him in to you. Does sound like he wanted to wake you up or even, start an argument on purpose.

Does he seem to start arguments for arguments sake OP?

yeah, but it's not though is it? If a brand new mother got to the point of actually leaving him for a few days then this is serious isn't it!?

to speak to DH as he had the money

This might just have been s throwaway comment, but just in case .... not having access to the family money is financial abuse