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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did he do this? (DH being a twat related)

103 replies

Whatthehe · 17/10/2018 09:28

DS got up with DH for work at 8. Heard DS ask if he could play on the iPad, DH said no.

A while later (I dozed off, ds had been up in the night with earache which is why I was snatching a lie in) I heard DH say “go and ask your mother”. Ds came in and asked if he could have the iPad.

I have no idea why DH has sent him in, he’s already said no. But maybe it’s been longer than I think (dozing) so I say “ooh I don’t know, ask daddy).

Ds goes out, I hear DH say “what did mummy say?” Ds say “she says ask daddy” DH comes storming in the bedroom stands over me and rages for “batting it back at him”.

I explain that these were my options.

  1. I say yes. He rages at me that I made the decision and go against his.
  1. I say no. He tells DS very sorry but mummy won't let you.
  1. I say ask daddy. He comes in and rages for "bouncing it back".

So basically he has an abusive answer to anything I will say so I couldn't even begin to second guess the "right" answer.

I asked him why he had sent ds in when he had already told him no. He stuttered “ it doesn’t matter why” and slammed off to work.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 17/10/2018 10:11

it's AIBU.

Anyway, I'm out. OP, hope you manage to get things sorted with your DH.

Lovelymess · 17/10/2018 10:12

He sounds a bit of a nob. But probably feels if he has to go to work you should be the one up with DS? But either way he didn't need to send him in to you, he's his father. What he says also goes.

SugarandVinegar · 17/10/2018 10:12

Posting on mn will whip up a storm in Ops private life - presumptuous much?

Original poster
Whatthehe · 17/10/2018 10:14

RiverTam I didn’t ask if I was BU for asking for advice. I asked why DH might have done this.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/10/2018 10:15

Does he usually act like a knob?

DarlingNikita · 17/10/2018 10:19

I'm not interested in talking to you. Everything you say ends up in some sort of criticism or character assassination

What a drama llama he is. Does he have form for behaving like this? If it's a one-off I'd probably say make him laugh about it and see what an idiot he's been. But if he's behaved like this before I'd think hard about the relationship.

TurtleCove · 17/10/2018 10:20

His behaviour is pathetic. I think I would try to forget about it until he comes home and is prepared to have a proper conversation.

Original poster
Whatthehe · 17/10/2018 10:27

TurtleCove Yes, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthehe · 17/10/2018 10:31

Havent answered the “has he got form” questions because I don’t know. Perhaps he has. I think this is the first time I’ve noticed that I was “set up”, in that there was no right answer.

OP posts:
thisneverendingsummer · 17/10/2018 10:32

WOW what an massive arsehat!

You need to learn to say 'fuck off!' a lot more OP!

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/10/2018 10:33

Yes it all smacks of the intense irritation he was obviously feeling because Big Important Man was getting ready for work and he ‘shouldn’t have to deal with’ his child.

He was annoyed you were having a lie-in because deep down he feels he is entitled to do what he wants without having to parent. Male entitlement. It made him lash out at you.

Patriarchy, ruining relationships in all sorts of ways since history kicked off.

PhilomenaButterfly · 17/10/2018 10:35

Good luck getting an apology. My DH never apologises. Mind you, he'd never make a parenting decision either.

PhilomenaButterfly · 17/10/2018 10:38

Helpful Rhiannon.Hmm

Clutterbugsmum · 17/10/2018 10:38

So he bahaved like a twat, you called him out on it and now he sulking.

I would text him than when he stopped sulking after being called out on his behaviour then we have a conversation about it.

He wanted to make you the bad guy and not himself.

thisneverendingsummer · 17/10/2018 10:42

Yes it all smacks of the intense irritation he was obviously feeling because Big Important Man was getting ready for work and he ‘shouldn’t have to deal with’ his child.

This ^ in spades.

MadameOvary · 17/10/2018 10:47

Complete twat and he will have form.
Why does he do That is also the title of an AWESOME book. Its primary focus is abusive men but it also explains the roots of entitled behaviour. The author is Lundy Bancroft.
OP, have a look at Good Reads where there are quotes from it. See if it rings any bells.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 10:49

Why are you both playing these games with your kid? Think of how it feels to him.

Of course your husband shouldn't have sent him in to ask you, but you lost the moral high ground when you didn't admit having heard the no and backing him up, you just batted it back again for no good reason.

If the pair of you wish to wind each other up, then fine, but don't put your kid in the middle.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/10/2018 10:50

You were supporting his parenting when you gave the same answer as him. He was undermining his own parenting when he sent ds to ask you after he had already given his decision.
He was a twat for telling your child to wake you.
He was a massive twat for arguing with you when you questioned his ridiculous behaviour.
He is now being incredibly immature and deploying pathetic deflection tactics to avoid owning his shit. I get a better standard of discussion from my 13 year old. He is being a giant man-child. It is not attractive and it is impossible to respect.

DaffoDeffo · 17/10/2018 10:52

I have to say when I was getting ready for work and the kids were pestering me and h (now exh) was lying in bed it did used to wind me up. They (dcs) default to the one who is most available :).

I would talk to him first before assuming he's a massive twat. When you're busy and stressed and trying to get ready for work, you do say and do things you probably wouldn't if you had hours stretched in front of you!

JustJoinedRightNow · 17/10/2018 10:59

OP, switch YOUR phone off now so he can’t just try to text or call you when he’s decided it is time to talk.
And tonight, if your DC gets sick, nudge your DH and tell him to get up to them. Just because he works doesn’t mean he’s excused from helping overnight.

Original poster
Whatthehe · 17/10/2018 11:03

but you lost the moral high ground when you didn't admit having heard the no and backing him up, you just batted it back again for no good reason.

No, my thinking was perhaps DH has changed his mind and wants my approval, but wSnt sure. I wouldn’t have sent ds in so no clue. I was leaving it up to DH because I was confused.

I do not play games in that way with my son.

OP posts:
HenryMouse · 17/10/2018 11:06

Low blow Bluntness100. Don’t put your experience on the OP. She was asleep until her son was sent in!

showmethemonkey · 17/10/2018 11:08

Projecting much bluntness?!

RiverTam · 17/10/2018 11:11

Henry no, she wasn't. It's the first line of the OP!

thisneverendingsummer · 17/10/2018 11:13

@whatthehe

Just got a text from him.... 'I'm not interested in talking to you. Everything you say ends up in some sort of criticism or character assassination'

Just noticed this! What the actual fuck?

Awful, passive-aggressive, manipulative individual your husband sounds.

I would be seriously considering whether I want to spend the next 60 years with this man. He's making YOU out to be the bad guy, and no matter what you do - or DON'T do - you will always be the bad guy, always in the wrong, and he will always be the 'victim.'

I would (if you can) be so tempted to pack a couple of bags, and take your son, and go stay somewhere else for a few days, and tell him you will return when he stops being a passive-aggressive, gaslighting cunt.

Trust me, if you take it, he will always treat you like this.

You have done NOTHING WRONG.

NOTHING