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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers should always be with their children until they are 3 years old

522 replies

abacucat · 17/10/2018 00:11

This is what one parenting "expert" is recommending in the name of attachment parenting. And he does mean mothers, not fathers. AIBU to think this is a load of rubbish? Babies and toddlers are not damaged as is alleged, from spending time apart from their mother.

www.drmomma.org/2010/07/mother-toddler-separation.html

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/10/2018 10:38

Even yesterday I was talking with a friend who have up her previous career to dedicate time to her son.
Her now adult son gave up his studies and jumps from low paid job to low paid job, not taking responsibility over his own keeping. He's moved out and isn't speaking to her for asking him to be an adult.

If you really want to be at home with your children, by all means stay.
But, ultimately, I don't think it's worth putting children ahead of everything else.

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 10:39

That would somewhat depend on whether you value your child for more than their career choices or not

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 10:58

Adults chosing the location of their home and having the final say is prudent
If I asked the kids where to live they’d chose retail park to get to shops quicker
It is not a lack of respect for my children to not chose where we live,and no it doesn’t require elaborate explanation
To a large extent children fall in line with structure/order adults impose eg education,childcare,mealtimes etc. Child rearing isn’t decision making by committee
Our kids fit in around us,as is case in most families.

Lweji · 23/10/2018 11:01

That would somewhat depend on whether you value your child for more than their career choices or not

Clearly it was not about "career" choices. More about not taking responsibility over himself. Hmm

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 11:18

I wouldn’t think I’d wasted my life raising a child just because they didn’t take “responsibility over” themselves though.

Momo27 · 23/10/2018 11:31

I think we can all safely say that our children are the most precious things to us, and if it comes down to some theoretical argument about which is more important, children or career, of course we’d all put our children first.

However, fortunately it’s rarely a choice any of us have to make, because many people find that it’s perfectly possible to combine being a parent with working. Of course, some people choose not to do that, which is fine too.

This really isn’t an issue of a particular way being ‘best’; surely it’s possible for anyone with intelligence to realise that more than one way can be perfectly fine. ( Dr Twat who wrote the article seems to be lacking in brain cells.)
And of course we all listen to our own children, after all we know them best, whether we work or stay at home .

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:39

Actually no momo. It’s not such a straightforward dichotomy
Having children doesn’t equal giving things up
It’s not a staught kids or career choice,and no I’d not abandon career for my kids

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 11:48

Having children always equals giving things up! Even if it’s just minor things like the occasional lie in or being able to visit adult only holiday resorts

user1499173618 · 23/10/2018 11:52

Our DC were always pretty vocal about the fact that they wanted to live close to school, and we have respected that as it makes everyone’s life easier. The sooner DC can get around independently to school and extra curricular activities the better.

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 11:53

The sooner DC can get around independently to school and extra curricular activities the better.🙌🏻

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 11:54

Well that went totally wrong lol

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:55

Well yes,but it’s a hierarchy of thing given up.doesnt need to be career abandoned
I’ve given up Lie in,tidy house,breakable object at hand height but career no
No one ever asked my dp when he became a dad is he going pt, taking a break
I got asked..because I’m female and it’s a social expectation

user1499173618 · 23/10/2018 12:00

FWIW I don’t think DC in most families I know are expected to fit around their parents’ lives. Most parents I know have a range of priorities which include, pretty near the top end, earning money and bringing up their DC very well indeed. That means arranging family life so that DC’s logistics are as easy as possible.

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2018 12:02

This really isn’t an issue of a particular way being ‘best’; surely it’s possible for anyone with intelligence to realise that more than one way can be perfectly fine

Great comment.

So many people - when saying "x is best" - fail to add on the most important caveat which is "for me" or "for us".

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 12:04

A man I used to work with went part time when he had his first child, as did his DP. I think that’s the best solution of neither parent wants to give up their job

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 23/10/2018 12:13

@BertramKibbler The best solution for them.....not for everyone.

@lipstick No one ever asked my dp when he became a dad is he going pt, taking a break
I got asked..because I’m female and it’s a social expectation
Bloody frustrating isn't it?! Me and my DH work at the same place - only i was told 'how awful' it was that i 'had' to work full time. His working patterns have never been questioned. It isn't awful it's bloody brilliant. I love my job.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 12:20

Neither I or dp wanted to go PT,so we both work FT. That’s ideal for us and the dc
BlaaBlaa,yes isn’t it interesting that the PT question is put to you and not your dp

BertramKibbler · 23/10/2018 12:22

Best for the child....

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 12:27

Did you post too soon or is it meant to hang there as an incomplete sentence?

Bowlofbabelfish · 23/10/2018 12:36

he has ELEVEN CHILDREN.

Eleven. And thinks wifey should be glued to them 24/7. Not him. The wife. Imagine the toll that takes on body and mind.

A reminder that some men use pregnancy and child rearing as a way of controlling women would be a useful addendum to this article. Barefoot and pregnant...

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 23/10/2018 12:37

We go on what is best for the family

Yep@lipstick one of my biggest bug bears. I was also told i wouldn't last 6 months working full time.
I never wanted part time and my career would have suffered hugely.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 12:46

I knew I wanted to return FT, dp and I discussed all the big stuff early on
The most comments and disapproval I’ve had is from women
No man has ever asked why I work FT

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2018 12:48

The most comments and disapproval I’ve had is from women

Same here. The difference being I was a SAHM

I figure whatever we do is wrong to someone so fuck ‘em.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 23/10/2018 12:53

That is so true. All the comments were from other women.

All through my pregnancy i told my team i'd be back full time. I was told numerous times that i'd change my mind....i didn't. When i did return the same women told me they would give me 6 months before i requested to reduce my hours because they thought it was too difficult to juggle ft work and a child..
I just told them it was a good job it wasn't all my responsibility and that our son had two parents.

user1499173618 · 23/10/2018 12:53

WOHM, SAHM or PT worker - the most comments and disapproval will always come from other women.