Mothers should always be with their children until they are 3 years old

[abacucat]

This is what one parenting "expert" is recommending in the name of attachment parenting. And he does mean mothers, not fathers. AIBU to think this is a load of rubbish? Babies and toddlers are not damaged as is alleged, from spending time apart from their mother.

www.drmomma.org/2010/07/mother-toddler-separation.html

As a daughter of a career woman I can say that yes it damaged me, both my parents spent long hours at work this led to me being abused by getting into a relationship with a teacher who saw my vulnerability and that I felt unloved by my parents and took advantage. I am not saying that this happens to every child of career women but was my experience. I will not take the risk with my kids, I am sure I will make my own mistakes though. But I truly don't believe especially with young kids that if you have a career as well you can give your best to both your kids and job, one, other or both will lose out somewhere

It's basically all about balance isn't it? Many women want to work - that is great, many women want to stay with their kids- that is great too. What isn't so good is putting a small child in a childcare facility for very long 11-12 hours a day, for 5 days a week. Not many parents do it, but some do. A childminder would be better as they would hopefully forge a strong attachment with one person, but a succession of people doing their job will never be the same as the love and care a child receives from family. Variety is key...no nursery can be fun for 11 hrs, 5 days a week. I see them at the door moaning for their Mums when I pick my girl up. Balance is key.

@chicken I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience but I will respectfully disagree. It is possible to have a successful career without neglecting your children. Saying otherwise is disrespectful to those of us that manage to do this and do it well.

And again, why is all the pressure on mothers? Why not working fathers?

@kitty maybe it's your nursery that's the problem? I see the opposite. Parents having to drag their kids away from nursery because they're having so much fun.

Also, don't assume that sending a child to a nursery instead of a childminder means they lose out on that bond with an individual carer. My son has an incredibly close bond with his key worker and a couple of other staff. Staff turnaround is minimal and in many cases the key worker has moved through the various rooms with their group.
Nurseries can get a bad time on these boards but there are some truly excellent, outstanding providers out there.

My son's nursery has been nothing but a source of enjoyment and stimulation to him and they have played a huge part in helping him grow into the caring, funny, sociable and clever boy that he is. I'm grateful we've been able to provide that experience for him.

Chickenenbeanz- sounds like you had crap parenting. That’s a separate issue from whether parents are in work or not. Didn’t you realise children get abused by SAHM And SAHD too? Doesn’t mean that you can tar all SAHP with the same brush. Because of your own personal experience your own options are now limited because you feel it would be damaging to have a career. That’s really unfortunate for you that it’s had that effect for you, but you can’t extrapolate from that, that parents having careers is bad.

I agree that more than 8/9 hours in a nursery is not good for the child.
When I looked for one, I chose one near work, so that, despite the commute, at least DS would travel with me. And, as I was breastfeeding at the time, I could pop in at lunch time to feed him and for cuddles.

As it turns out, he ended up staying with dad. It's kind of funny how I mentioned earlier that I left him with someone else, and mummy only pps seem to have assumed it was in a nursery or child minder.

My career didn't reach the same heights as if I dedicated 12 hours a day to it, but it still progressed nicely, thank you. :)

Having said that, it's not only how many hours parents and children are apart, but how the hours together are used.

I don't know why anyone's giving this asshat any head space.

It's not like there's a new, large scale, robust research piece behind this. He's just broadcasting 'pinyons' to sell books/get attention.

He's objectionable on a number of grounds. The misogyny of it all being about the mother is one. Where are all the dads being guilted into giving up their careers and financial independence? Oh wait.

Secondly, the preachy little bit about two income families wanting the 'lifestyle' that additional money brings. That really gets my goat.

Most wohm I know aren't doing it for the fancy holidays, but for additional financial stability in the event of redundancy/illness/divorce, for additional opportunities for their DC, to set their DC up
financially, to provide for themselves in retirement, etc, etc. That's all worthwhile. Providing for the family is not solely the job of someone with a penis.

Also, as I posted earlier, this guy was suspended for gross misconduct in the eighties! Look upthread for the link. It seems like we women are ready to discuss a diktat on our lives by any old fool as if they are rational and supported statements.

I think it would be nice to have the choice but I don't think most women have the choice these days.
It would also be nice if mothers who have a job didn't criticise those who don't or won't.
Mothers who stay with their young children shouldn't criticise those who go out to work.
I did stay with my children in their early years. I wanted to and personally felt I didn't have children for someone else to look after but it was MY choice. We really struggled financially.
I don't regret it. I didn't feel I had missed out nor did I feel my then husband should do it.
I would do the same again if I had my time over and I could manage financially.
Whether it's vital for a child I have no idea but in a time when women have no choice it's not helpful to pile guilt on them.

I actually wholeheartedly agree with the article. Its nice to see someone else affirm what I very quickly realised when I had my child. There was no way I was leaving him. I've got friends who went back to work when their babies were 1 and then complained about the baby waking and wanting attention in the night. They genuinely couldn't grasp that the child just wanted a cuddle from its mother who had been absent all day. Don't get me started on parents who persistently send their child to sleep alone when they obviously don't want to!

Good point mookatron. The guy has zero credibility

Well chosen username MotherofDinosaurs.

Thank you Mookatron. Although I am in fact the mother of a very happy little boy.

I’m sure some/ most children love to be close until three but in some circumstances it would mean the mother gets shunted out of working as the break is quite long.

You know what MOD I stayed at home with my kids too. But I don't presume to tell other people how they ought to bring up theirs. The idea that children HAVE to have only a parent look after them in their first years is ridiculous, and the idea that said parent HAS to be the mother is frankly insulting to everyone involved.

You don't know better than a kid's parent how it ought to be parented.

You seem a bit worked up Mookatron. And you've extrapolated a bit. I haven't told anyone how to raise their child. I certainly wouldn't in real life. I've just shared what I believe. And I stand by it. And the reason it's mums and not dad's is biology. It's pretty basic really. Just saying what I believe.

They genuinely couldn't grasp that the child just wanted a cuddle from its mother who had been absent all day.

You say that with such certainty? My child started waking in the night after one year old too. This would go on for a few weeks, then she'd settle again for a while then it would happen again etc etc. Had nothing to do with me working or being absent all day - because I wasn't, I was at home with her all day long.

Teething, bad dreams, development spurts - there are any number of reasons for a child of that age to wake up so don't be so rigid in your thinking that it MUST be because their mother is at work during the day.

It's a bit of a daft assumption but hey if it fits your judgemental narrative work away.

And the reason it's mums and not dad's is biology. It's pretty basic really.

Again, you only seem to know very basic biology.
Advanced biology would mean you'd know that dads also care and raise babies. In mammals too.

Just saying what I believe.

You can believe in fairies.

The question is what do you base your beliefs on?

Dads also care for babies of course, but by biology I mean the growing of babies in our bodies and the strong physical and mental bond created by that.

I don't believe in fairies.

I base my personal beliefs on my experiences and observations of the world around me.

We all believe different things and you are of course entitled to disagree with me.

I stand by my belief that children's mental health is best nurtured by staying with one parent, preferably the mother, for the first three years.

There was no way I was leaving him.

I think people who are the financial position to do that are extremely lucky.

I would only consider it if I had 6 months plus living expenses in the bank, my pension contributions covered for the period and a clear way back to my current profession and level of seniority. I accept that's a high bar and many would be happy without these in place, but financial security is one of the most important things I want to provide for my DC.

Surely you realise that once a baby is born, they can relate to beings other than their mother.

Don't call biology for support if you don't grasp biology. Biology is much more complex than your basic knowledge.

Your beliefs are just that. You can stand by them if you want. But unless you base them in actual evidence and not your perception and interpretation of your surroundings, then they're worth nothing.
By all means act according to what you think is best, but don't tell other women how they should act.

I'm not worked up at all. I don't care what other people do with their kids providing it's not abusive. 'Don't get me started...' suggests you do presume to judge other people's choices, I'm afraid. I wonder how old your little boy is.

Just for clarity as regards the question about what I base my opinion on, I should add that I am rather an independent thinkers and rarely base my opinions on those of other people.

LaurieMarlow yes in my case I am very lucky to have a supportive and solvent husband, appreciate not the case for everyone

Well we all judge Mookatron. You yourself are judging me by my opinions. My little boy is 4, since you're interested.