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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mothers should always be with their children until they are 3 years old

522 replies

abacucat · 17/10/2018 00:11

This is what one parenting "expert" is recommending in the name of attachment parenting. And he does mean mothers, not fathers. AIBU to think this is a load of rubbish? Babies and toddlers are not damaged as is alleged, from spending time apart from their mother.

www.drmomma.org/2010/07/mother-toddler-separation.html

OP posts:
celticprincess · 18/10/2018 22:13

I hate the ‘why have children if you don’t want to raise them’ type comments. I had children in a loving marriage. That broke down. I’m now a single parent and this is not the plan I had. I need time out for me and really look forward to them going to the ex’s to spend time with him. I get to sleep and binge watch tv for a day or so every now and then. It’s not that I don’t like them and don’t want to look after them, but doing it on my own is much more tiring than doing it with someone else.

Also this idea that all mothers would love to be stay at home mother. No thank you. I thought that and often dream of winnittje lottery and not having to work BUT I am soon bored and lonely when I’m on my own and the kids are at their dad’s and I am sometimes counting down the hours til their bed time when they’re screaming and shouting at each other because one smiled at the other. I enjoyed my maternity leave the first time. I spent a lot of time wandering round shops, having coffee with the baby in her pram, meeting other new mums etc. Second child came along and that all changed. Juggling the new born and the toddler on nursery run and keeping the toddler busy after nursery on my own was incredibly tiring whilst i was still up several times during the night feeding the baby.
I go to work for a rest. I work part time. I’ll neber be rich. Part time suits me.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 18/10/2018 22:14

@claire nope. I could stay at home ( as could DH as we're both relatively high earners) but we choose not to.
Like others I didn't work my arse off building a career and getting my PhD to throw it all away because WE started a family. Parenthood and careers are not mutually exclusive.

I noticed you only mention mums....what about dads?

Clairenewbie · 18/10/2018 22:45

Well you two most mums didn’t have kids for others to raise though.

AutumnEvenings · 18/10/2018 23:08

As an older woman, born in the late 50s I remember my own Mum staying at home until the youngest was at school. She then worked part-time, but still did all the domestic work. Once a man gets used to this situation, it is hard to persuade many to change. I recall my own Mum being bad tempered for much of my early childhood, it was always obvious to me that she didn't enjoy being at home all the time and being at everyone's beck and call (her own words at the time).

Comparing notes recently with friends from the same generation, it was extremely common for elder children to be left caring for their younger siblings and to be expected to help a lot with domestic work after school. This tended to fall much more to eldest girls rather than boys. It also impeded completing homework on time and impacted on elder children doing well at school in many families. My youngest sibling went to university and I left school at 16, in spite of getting better results at O level.

When my own children were born starting in 1985, I was quite determined not to repeat this cycle. My eldest boy has a great career and also says that he grew up without any perception that men were not equal to women. Both my children were raised with the help of paid childcare. The eldest thrived at nursery and still has good friends he met at the age of two. The youngest really didn't like nursery, so we found a good childminder instead, after which she was happy.

The man who wrote this piece would only have credibility if he had personally stayed at home and brought up all his own children. That option is probably harder than most men can imagine.

Momo27 · 18/10/2018 23:09

Nope in an ideal world I wouldn’t give up my career. I love being a mum, adore my kids but being a good parent and having a work life aren’t mutually exclusive.

I’ve always said, I’ve got the intelligence and skills to work in an interesting and useful role just as much as my husband has, and he was always just as capable at hands on childcare and domestic tasks, so weve preferred a balanced life where neither of us is home 24/7 but neither of us is working crazy hours to fund the other being at home.

Anyone who says ‘in an ideal world XYZ would happen’ is revealing themself to be very small minded and blinkered. im Glad I’ve raised my children with more open minds

lunchboxloony · 18/10/2018 23:10

MIL is in her 90s so had her children when things were different - and her children didn't go to nursery or anything until they started proper school. Her DD was OK but DS1 cried his eyes out on the school bus for months, because he'd always been at home with Mum and had no experience of anything else. How can that be good? And DS2 (my DH) came much later in life so had no siblings at home, so it was just him and his DM until school. He was very shy and introverted, and had to have speech therapy because he'd never heard anyone much apart from his parents talk - and they had broad country dialects. I think all options have pros and cons, as we all know - but a blanket assertion that kids are better off with Mum until 3 is just weird!

Lweji · 18/10/2018 23:18

Well you two most mums didn’t have kids for others to raise though.

Grin Fuck that.

You're confusing raising with caring for.

I raise my DS. I just had a better use of my day time when he was a baby or young child.

Someone else cared for him when I was at work.
But nobody else breastfed him to a year of age, spent nights in hospital with him, cared for him when ill, cuddled with him at the end of a day's work, took him on holiday or to see extended family.

At the same time, he's also raised by his dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, friends, etc.

Clairenewbie · 18/10/2018 23:24

If your working every hour of every day then yeah someone else is raising your kids. Unless you mean 9-5 then that’s just a job not a career.

AutumnEvenings · 18/10/2018 23:25

Clairenewbie

Are you suggesting that most Dad's do have children for others to raise?

For this to be compatible with 21st century life, most Mums would need a cast iron guarantee that financial support in staying at home to bring up children is always going to be forthcoming.

Lweji · 18/10/2018 23:29

If your working every hour of every day then yeah someone else is raising your kids. Unless you mean 9-5 then that’s just a job not a career.

Dear god. It gets better.

Lweji · 18/10/2018 23:29

Never heard of life-work balance?

Momo27 · 18/10/2018 23:34

It’s a dumb attitude to equate doing some of the care some of the time to raising a child. Raising a child is about imparting values, loving them, soooo much more than providing care for some of the time.

But I guess some people have very limited capacity to understand that

AutumnEvenings · 18/10/2018 23:39

Men with kids and a SAHM often do work every hour of every day to let someone else raise their kids.

There is middle ground somewhere, allowing for each parent to work and contribute.

I worked hard when our children were young, they enjoyed a great deal of help with higher education as young adults because of this. We paid for extensive post-graduate education to help our kids with their careers. Not once has either turned round and said "Mum, we would rather you had stayed at home when we were little and not been able to give us money for post-grad fees when we wanted to develop our careers".

corythatwas · 18/10/2018 23:50

in an ideal world mums would jump at chance to stay at home raising their kids, but bills have to be paid and children to be fed and clothed.

in an ideal world dh would have stayed at home and raised our dc while I got on with my career

he would have been great at it

his dad (born in 1909) was a SAHP for part of dh's childhood; worked fine

my db was a SAHP, again worked great

abacucat · 18/10/2018 23:52

Why should all mums want to stay at home!!!! Children have two parents.

OP posts:
Kitty6 · 19/10/2018 00:16

A loving parent does not 'always' need to be with their chid, but a small child does, in my opinion, benefit from having a good proportion of time with their Mum or Dad. Many studies have shown that children in nurseries have high levels of cortisol (stress hormone). We all like time at home to chill and feel secure. It's not always possible, but being in a nursery 7.30am-6pm 5 days a week is pretty boring and sad for a kid.

DotForShort · 19/10/2018 00:17

I think having a SAHP can work just fine. (I do think it is detrimental to society that mothers are still considered the default parents in nearly all circumstances, but that isn’t specific to SAHMs.) What I really object to is the notion that the gold standard of family arrangements consists of a SAHM and a breadwinner dad. Especially as this family structure was never the historical norm. Women have always worked (not always in wage-earning positions, though of course that is true of men as well), childcare was of necessity shared among family members (older women, siblings) and others in the community.

While the SAHM phenomenon certainly works for some families in the contemporary world, I reject the notion that it is somehow the ideal setup. I wouldn’t give up my career any more than my husband would. And frankly, based on the research I have read, there is no compelling reason to do so.

Smileyk · 19/10/2018 08:23

Well my well adjusted, intelligent, lovely daughters must be really damaged becauset I only stayed home with them for a few months. I mean me being the breadwinner in our family meant we had a house and food etc. but that is clearly irrelevant when they needed me 24 hours a day for at least 3 years. BTW what happens after 3 years when they are totally dependent on you, you do everything for them and then you disappear off to work? Maybe I'm strange to think that would be more damaging in the long run?

BTW my daughters are 19 and 15 - I guess the "damage" will come out at some point won't it?! LOL

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/10/2018 08:39

@claire you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Raising a child is not purely measurable in hours spent with them.

I'm really interested in your definition of a career because it's not one I'm familiar with. So, somebody who works 9-5 doesn't have a career just a job??? That's absolutely not true.

Lweji · 19/10/2018 09:03

Some people even have flexible hours and can work from home .

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/10/2018 09:04

@kitty I can assure you there is nothing boring or sad about the nursery my son attends.
The research around the raised levels or cortisol are often used but there is some evidence that this is an indication of stimulation and not necessarily stress.

badg3r · 19/10/2018 09:09

Dual wage 🤣 if we had to survive on one wage we would have had £100 a month to spend on everything apart from rent and bills, including food. I personally am not too worried about listening to advice from a man who has 11 children who he has let his wife raise till to age of three, while he wrote about how she should be doing it.

Satsumaeater · 19/10/2018 10:13

in an ideal world mums would jump at chance to stay at home raising their kids

No I wouldn't. I know we're mammals, but we've evolved beyond simple procreation. I like working, I like hobbies, I am my own person and am not just here to run around after kids,

Lweji · 19/10/2018 10:14

Even in mammals not all species have mums as the only carer.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/10/2018 10:27

"in an ideal world mums would jump at chance to stay at home raising their kids"

Uuummm. No! What a sweeping, out of date statement to make. Maybe in the 50s or 60s

I love my daughter but i also love my job and wouldn't give that up to sit at home.

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