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AIBU?

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Original poster

Affair issue.

117 replies

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 18:20

A few weeks ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair with her best friend.
She said it only became sexual a month before I found out and that as soon as i told her i knew she told her friend they could no longer have sex.

There's were obviously many reasons I was hurt but one was that they had exchanged sexual pictures of themselves which is something I'd suggested to my wife and she'd refuse because she "would never feel comfortable doing that with anyone" although the same night she said that she was doing that exact thing with her friend.

Despite this my wife says it wasn't sexually fueled and it was about love and feeling close to one another. Also to make her friend feel good about herself.

Her friend has recently gone through a separation from an abusive partner, something my wife and I encouraged and supported her in.
She has been struggling since the break up and my wife said the affair stemmed from there and my wife helping her through it.

Since finding out though I've been so angry and upset. I gave this friend all the support and help I could and this is what she does.

Am I justified in hating this friend of hers?
I keep finding myself wishing her ill.

Also, I've said this friend continuing to be in our lives is damaging to our relationship and so our family.
My wife says she understands my feelings but her friend is still struggling and she (my wife) is the only support the friend has.
The friend and my wife still exchange messages and meet up every day.
Am I being unreasonable to find this threatening?

OP posts:
LivininaBox · 16/10/2018 18:22

Oh dear it sounds like the friend is in a vulnerable position and your partner has exploited her? I don't see how they can just go back to how things were .

PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2018 18:22

Yes, you are completely justified in all your feelings of betrayal. Flowers You poor thing, they have behaved very badly.

The friendship must be over. It is not compatible with your marriage.

LivininaBox · 16/10/2018 18:23

PS I don't think yabu.

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 21:42

Thanks.

My wife seems sure that now they're no longer having sex I shouldn't have an issue and things can go back to they were right before I knew they started sleeping together.

OP posts:
stellabird · 16/10/2018 21:45

Supporting your friend doesn't normally involve having sex with them. If anything it is causing more harm. You can't go back to how it was before....and neither can they.

SomeKnobend · 16/10/2018 21:50

Why are you accepting this nonsense? Leave! If she isn't cutting contact immediately and completely then she's putting the affair partner's feelings and needs before yours. It's not a relationship worth continuing.

Alpacanorange · 16/10/2018 21:51

She is being totally ur. I would ask her to leave.

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 21:55

Stellabird
I know. My wife said that they always hugged & she'd comfort her friend. They were very close and then started teasing and things went too far. Though the sexual affair went on for a month before I found out.

She claims she just wanted her friend to feel better about herself which is why she didn't stop it.

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 16/10/2018 21:55

OP, are you thinking of continuing your marriage after this?!!

Sowhatifidosnore · 16/10/2018 21:59

YANBU- I would be livid if my wife had an affair and then insisted on seeing the woman she cheated with every day. It would be a ‘ it’s her or me’ call right off as far as i’m Concerned and even then i’m Not sure the relationship would survive.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 22:03

The bare fact of this is that your wife is having an affair.
All the friendship, emotions aside she is being unfaithful.
To me, this signals the end of the marriage, particularly as she doesn’t appear to think she’s done anything wrong and has complete disregard for your feelings

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:04

I love her.
I love our family.

And, honestly, I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else so perfect for me.

I guess I feel guilty too. We had a hard time the last year; I told her how I felt our relationship was struggling, we worked through that then I found out I had to have a tumour removed. She's been through so much and I don't want to put her through more pain.

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 22:06

You don’t want to put her through more pain?!
Seriously, much as you love her you are allowing her to treat you very badly.
That in itself is not very appealing

FizzyWizzyFlash · 16/10/2018 22:12

Your wife is being unreasonable and is not being sensitive to you.

If the tables were turned and you had an affair but your wife was willing to move on from this to save your relationship, I assume she would want you to cut off the person you had an affair with. So why she isn't doing this is questionable.

Having this person in your life will be a constant reminder of what has happened and it would be hard to move forward.

This really isn't fair on you or the other woman.

Your wife is taking advantage of someone who is vulnerable and it's wrong.

I'm not saying I'm right but it sounds like she likes the position she is in right now. Being with a husband who loves her and having the friendship of a woman who is probably still attracted to her (for the wrong reasons because this woman is vulnerable!)

Honestly if the tables were turned and you did this she would not like this whole set up one bit!

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:17

I know.
I know I'm being an idiot.
Her friend is unstable and I understand my wife feeling responsible.

I feel awful for wishing her friend out of our lives. I feel controlling and abusive. I also worry my wife will resent me for it. Especially if her friend does do something stupid.

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 16/10/2018 22:18

Op she betrayed you,

She says it wasn't about sex, it was about love and feeling close to one another...that is WORSE than it being about sex because there are feelings involved..

She has betrayed you in the worst way and she doesn't even sound Sorry, if she was genuinely sorry she would be begging your forgiveness, pleading with you to not leave her and having nothing to do with the friend (to try and save your marriage)

The fact that she is still messaging and meeting up with the friend speaks volumes, she cares for and probably loves the friend more than you, I would bet that if you left her she would be with that friend before the day was over

Op don't lower yourself to settle for being treated like this, you deserve better, you deserve someone to be faithful,.

Don't beg her to stay with you or to not cheat either ,you shouldn't have to beg someone to stay with you or to stay Faithful, if they love you they would only want to be with you and wouldn't dream of hurting you by being unfaithful.

Op you say you don't think you will ever meet someone else so perfect for you , (if you left her)..do you honestly think a cheater (who doesn't care about you and is putting your sexual health at risk) is perfect for you..

You deserve better, cut her lose and find someone better , with her you will always worry she is shagging her friend,

QuietContraryMary · 16/10/2018 22:20

you need to end this now. end the marriage. it's over. Don't waste your life. This will not get better. You are a doormat. Realise it now.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 22:20

Why are you feeling ‘controlling and abusive’ when you are understandably upset that your wife is having an affair?
I’m sorry op but this can’t end well

Jakethekid · 16/10/2018 22:23

Sorry can i ask. Are you male or female? I only ask because I wonder if you would think differently if you were male and she had cheated with another male. Cheating is cheating and sadly you care for her much more than she does for you. She doesn't have any excuses.

Put yourself first.

Howhot · 16/10/2018 22:23

Your wife is a twat. She's has cheated on you and from the sounds of it, started a sexual relationship with her "friend" when she is very vulnerable and in need of support. Not sex. I think your partner has enjoyed being "needed" by this friend and is enjoying the attention. She has no respect for you at all op. I'd be kicking her out but if you're not ready for that the minimum she needs to be doing it cutting off contact with this friend

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:29

FizzyWizzyFlash
I used the same analogy with her to try and explain my feelings. She told me if it happened with me and a female friend of mine that'd be a huge change in the friendship I had with them now.
Her friendship has just gone back to how it was before they started the affair, which is why it's different.

SuchAToDo
She did beg for forgiveness and for me to stay. I do worry you're right that if I left, or told her to leave, the first place she'd go is to this friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:35

Aintnothingbutaheartache
Exactly why I was asking if I'm being unreasonable.

Howhot
She has said she's felt helping her friend has made her feel useful and that she's felt a failure at home, leaving me to deal with the housework etc.

Jakethekid
I'm male. I have written in the relationship board about the f/f friendship thing. My wife says being that close is normal for women.

Sorry, I know I sound like I'm defending my wife a lot but I'm just putting her arguments to things I've said as well.

OP posts:
RockYourSocksOff · 16/10/2018 22:37

She overstepped the friendship boundaries and had an affair. In order to repair your marriage and build the trust all contact must be stopped. She must understand this.

If she is serious about saving your marriage your dw has to forfeit her ’Friendship’ with this woman.

How about your feelings in all of this? Who is looking out for you?

MsMotherOfDragons · 16/10/2018 22:37

It doesn't really sound like your relationship is working, or that it has been healthy for a while -- given what you've said about what happened last year.

Give yourself another chance at happiness with somebody who really wants to be in a relationship with you. Whatever your wife says, her actions say otherwise, and from what you say I tend to think it would be better for both of you to separate.

Jakethekid · 16/10/2018 22:41

Being that close to women is normal? Then surely many women would be having affairs then?

She is really manipulating you and it's so sad to read. Her cheating with a woman is no different to her cheating with a man. Has she ever said she is bisexual?

You deserve so much more than this. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't even be asking strangers on the Internet. It sounds like you've taken so much that you are worn down by it. If this was your sister/brother/ mother what would you say?