Affair issue.

[Robadobdob]

A few weeks ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair with her best friend.
She said it only became sexual a month before I found out and that as soon as i told her i knew she told her friend they could no longer have sex.

There's were obviously many reasons I was hurt but one was that they had exchanged sexual pictures of themselves which is something I'd suggested to my wife and she'd refuse because she "would never feel comfortable doing that with anyone" although the same night she said that she was doing that exact thing with her friend.

Despite this my wife says it wasn't sexually fueled and it was about love and feeling close to one another. Also to make her friend feel good about herself.

Her friend has recently gone through a separation from an abusive partner, something my wife and I encouraged and supported her in.
She has been struggling since the break up and my wife said the affair stemmed from there and my wife helping her through it.

Since finding out though I've been so angry and upset. I gave this friend all the support and help I could and this is what she does.

Am I justified in hating this friend of hers?
I keep finding myself wishing her ill.

Also, I've said this friend continuing to be in our lives is damaging to our relationship and so our family.
My wife says she understands my feelings but her friend is still struggling and she (my wife) is the only support the friend has.
The friend and my wife still exchange messages and meet up every day.
Am I being unreasonable to find this threatening?

If this was a man, she had an affair with would you still feel the same way? Cheating is cheating man, woman or pineapple

You have 3 children together? My goodness. It isn't you breaking up a family. It's her. She's selfish and will only put her wants and needs first. Put your children first

Thanks for the advice.

My wife does seem to be extremely guilty over it but I do worry that much of that was being unable to go to her friend every time she whistled for fear of hurting me. And I do believe my wife is genuinely worried about this friend.

However her continued friendship is hurting me still. My wife is making an effort to reduce the amount they spend together and to spend more time with me as a couple but the friend is a constant spector.

My wife will often sit very quiet, obviously upset, scratching at the sides of her nails and I know it's because the friend has messaged her saying she's struggling, contemplating self harm, and wants my wife to go to her.

Because we were such a huge part of this friends support network I don't want my wife to blame me if her friend did do anything stupid.

As others have said this is just a show for your benefit. She is manipulating you so she can continue her affair without losing the benefits of your marriage. Next time she goes to her friend pack her a bag and tell her not to bother coming back.

Op you need to ask yourself,

Is she sorry/guilty she cheated

Or is she sorry/guilty she got caught

In other words if you never found out about the cheating do you think she would have stopped the affair all of a sudden and confessed all to you, or would she have continued on the affair because you didn't know a thing about it)

Op cheating is her kiss, intimately touching , doing anything sexual, having ex etc...with ANYONE (male or female) that isn't you...basically if she is doing it and it isn't with you, then it's cheating

And if you arent sure if women with women is cheating, then think about all the same sex marriages...e.g women married to women....don't you think if one of them slept with a friend the wife would be furious and see it as cheating...because it is...

Don't stay just to be a family, you can be a family without her, kick her out, let her shag her friend, you raise your kids and find someone more faithful who will treat you how you deserve to be treated...your wife sounds vile, I don't know how you can bear to be in the same house as her,

She's not sorry she did it, she's only sorry you found out...that's a big difference

• her kissing...not her kiss

*Having sex...not having ex

Autocorrect

She is manipulating you completely.

You need an outside perspective in real life to help you through all the emotions you are feeling and to unravel what you want from all of this mess.

I know it gets trotted out on nearly every thread but honestly I think you need some counselling and to work out your own feelings.

You really would benefit from some talking therapy (alone not as a couple) and take things from there.

If m sorry you are going through this.

OP re-read what you wrote :

"She says it was all a mistake and regrets it all but before, I could say anything, that she won't give up her friendship."

She has been unfaithful to you and now she's making it clear that she will carry on seeing the person she was having an affair with? Sorry but there's your answer right there.

She's made her choice. Have some self respect and leave her to it.

A marriage can only recover from an affair if BOTH sides are fully committed to it, that includes cutting off contact with the other person. It goes without saying.

OP I was in a very long relationship (16 years) when I discovered my other half was cheating with a co-worker, my life fell apart. I tell you now from experience that your wife is still lying, she will not want all the details of what happened and what may still be happening to be revealed to you, she is trying to protect herself to have her cake and eat it too. She will have mentally painted you as to blame for your marriage to make her actions seem justified. Your relationship will never recover unless she gets truthful, apologises sincerely for the hurt she has caused you and the risk she placed her family life under. No more excuses. She can have no further contact with this "friend" it does not matter the nature of the relationship between them now, no further contact, this woman is a constant, harmful reminder of deceit and betrayal, you cannot recover under those conditions. For now do not listen to what your wife tells you, if she is saying sorry, fine, but she must show it. What has she done or is willing to do to help you and your marriage recover from her hurtful choices? Has she volunteered to go to counselling, firstly for herself and then together for your marriage to recover? Has she promised to move heaven and earth and then actually set out to do it? Anything less is not good enough. She is underestimating the harm she has done to you by cheating with this woman, who was in your life and around your children. She was an invasion into your intimacy and can no longer be allowed to continue to invade.

If this friend is having distress in life and needs support send her the number of a therapist, your wife can no longer counsel her. If she is threatening to self harm or kill herself report her to the relevant authority in your area as being at risk, I would guess that she is threatening to hurt herself to get your wife back in her orbit and to silence any objections you have to them spending time together, she is trying to guilt you into silence, don't allow it.

I won't tell you to leave your wife and move on, because you are not ready to think about that as an option yet, you are clearly still very hurt and confused because your wife's action are not the actions of the woman you love and share a life with. My advice is to get counselling for yourself first to make sense of what has happened before you attempt marriage counselling together, allow yourself time to come to terms with what has happened and time to grieve the end of your marriage as you knew it, if you stay together it will be a different, new marriage and it will not be the same as the previous one. I wish you well, you have a tough road ahead, be kind to yourself.

ChocoPoppy

Thank you so much. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar.
My suspicion is that the friend is trying to manipulate my wife also but, given the friends history, my wife isn't willing to take that chance. My wife also doesn't want to report her friend in case it gives the friend's ex custody of their kids. (which, I agree, would be awful for them)

My wife really isn't trying to justify the physical intimacy as being "very close friends" beyond the occasional (daily😒) comforting cuddle.
She knows she crossed a line as soon as they did anything more than that.
Her argument is that up to that point it was a normal female friendship and she should be allowed to go back to that and, more importantly to her, her friend still needs that emotional support.
I think any contact between them is still damaging to us.

OP your marriage will not survive if your wife insists in keeping this person in her life, it is that simple really. I had to leave everything behind and I am in the process of moving to the other side of the country to get away from the reminders of what my partner did as there are reminders everywhere. Try reading an article called "Understanding Your Loyal Spouse" on the Affair care website. It goes through the confusion that the betrayed partner feels and then read it to your wife. If she insists that she still wants this person in her life, then I am sorry but I see little hope for your future together.

affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/

You could also try Chump Lady for support, she has some wonderful, funny and insightful articles too www.chumplady.com/

Up until that point... yes. However, the line was crossed and she deliberately chose to betray you.

She can't ever go back to what it was before

I agree. I don't see how they can just take a step back and expect everything to go back to how it was.

She cites a relationship she had in school with a girl C. They were friends who started to experiment but never saw themselves as a couple. They were just friends who had sex. Then, after my wife moved away, C met a guy. After a while my wife and C met up again and ended up having to share a bed. C said she had a bf now so they'd probably better stop having sex. So they stopped but were still just as close as friends as they were.

My wife thinks this is proof that she and her current friend can just step back as she did with C.

My argument is that Cs partner didn't know anything happened between the two of them. They lived at opposite ends of the country at the time C got together with her bf.
And, to the point I've never had an issue with C, the physical side was long over by the time I even met my wife and they only exchange phone calls or emails every 6 months or so. They're not in the same relationship they were the week before they first slept together. My wife wants to go back to the relationship she had with her friend a week before they started the physical affair because I was OK with that friendship then.

I’m dp was unfaithful and the only reason we are together now is that he moved mountains to show me how sorry he was, he worked very hard (and rightly so) to try and piece together the trust he had shattered.

He cut ALL ties, phone number was changed, no social media contact. He wanted me to believe that he was devastated by what he’d done and that he would work on building the trust back.

It’s taken a long time. I never thought I would stay with a person who had betrayed me. He was selfish and at that time was only thinking of himself, pouring all his emotion into another.

If he had told me he would go back to being friends with this person, go back to how they were before they crossed the line and that he wasn’t prepared to end their friendship it most definitely would have been over!

Reading my story would you blame me?

If your DW is not prepared to give up this friendship then I think you need to seriously look into giving her an ultimatum. It’s her friendship or your marriage. She needs to cut all ties with this friend for your relationship to begin to heal otherwise there’s no point.

My not i’m

RockYourSocksOff

Thank you for your story. I'm very sorry you had to go through this and glad things are OK now.

I really don't want to be a villain and demand my wife gives up her friendship which will also remove her friend's biggest support. But at the same time every time I know they are together I think of more and more terrible ways to make her friend's life worse. Even though I'd never make these thoughts reality (where do you even get 25 sewer rats?) I hate myself for thinking of them.

OP you would not be a "villain." It's a normal, reasoned request and your wife should have suggested it herself if she was a hundred percent committed to repairing the damage she caused.

How often do they see eachother?

You aren't being unreasonable at all. I would be insisting on an absolute 100% cut of all contact with this friend or be walking out the door.

Frankly I wouldn't care if this friend needed support, it's your marriage at risk! Yet she is prioritising her friend over her family.

She may have stopped having sex with this friend, but there is obviously still a very strong emotional affair going on.

You are being a doormat.

Actually she should be the one leaving the house, not you.

A lot of that anger you're feeling needs to directed at your wife, not her friend. She was the one that was supposed to be committed to you. I think you're blaming the wrong person here and your wife is getting off scott-free.

Oh OP I am sorry.

When I was 18 a girl at 6th form who was bisexual really fancied me, and would text me about the lesson, asking if I needed help, if I wanted to come for snacks at hers etc etc.Which was lovely as this time I knew nothing about her sexuality, she always in the past was the hot girl in school, she was lovely, funny and fab. So yeah let's be friends.

Things after snacks at hers with nothing happening, then heated up during texts, I was just being a flirt, being young and naive and probably a little bit of a bitch.

But then a little down the line after being told about her a little more by an ex girlfriends friend, which didn't matter to me, I realised that the texts I was sending reciprocating to flirtation as some people are flirts naturally, may be too flirty and thus girl might fancy me.

But anyway time went by a Christmas party came around, and we kissed, and I was in a relationship, I told my partner about her texts and showed him as what the fuck, upon reflection at that time I realised it wasn't fun anymore, and told him, about the kiss, but to him it was too much which was fair enough I cheated, but because it was a girl, and I mean no offence I just thought he was being unreasonable, because I'm not a lesbian - I'm straight. With a fuck off attuitude.

Now mid twenties, I realise it was totally out of order and I should not have done that to him. Maybe she isn't finding this serious at all? And isn't actually understanding your feelings as she's not a lesbian so how could it actually be cheating? Which by the way is a plausible reason to LTB! Can you get over this OP? Can you forgive her and move on? If not quit while your ahead.

Hope this helps though very very different in seriousness. We did actually get back together for 4 years of hell and disfunction leaving me shaking like a shitting dog by the way hahahaha!

Lots of love and hugs OP X

Am I justified in hating this friend of hers?

Yet you don't hate your wife?

Don't be a mug, mate.

@RockYourSocksOff
I think probably daily. Or very close to that.
My kids tell me she's been round to ours and I know my wife still goes there sometimes. Plus they see each other due to my wife's work but there's nothing that can be done about that.

@HereForTheLineEyes
I know I should feel more anger towards my wife and that she's wronged me more than the friend but I don't want to hate her. I see how broken she is over it and how she's suffering.
Taking someone she's so close to away from her is punishment enough.

@absla
Thank you for sharing that.
Yes, in the story I told about my wife and her old school friend, C, they thought the same. Though they were having sex they weren't lesbians (my wife didn't realise she was bi then & they remains C's only gay encounters) so it wasn't a thing.

I do think that my wife thinks this sort of message exchange is normal, having perhaps had this with previous close friends who also thought "I'm not gay so it's ok"
I'm guilty of exchanging flirty birthday messages with a very lesbian friend of ours and that, in our minds, is OK because neither of us actually find the other attractive. It's all just exaggeration and over the top.

Because my wife and her friend have crossed that line there continued friendship, let alone flirting, feels unacceptable to me.

Oh for fuck's sake. SHE'S SUFFERING?