Affair issue.

[Robadobdob]

A few weeks ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair with her best friend.
She said it only became sexual a month before I found out and that as soon as i told her i knew she told her friend they could no longer have sex.

There's were obviously many reasons I was hurt but one was that they had exchanged sexual pictures of themselves which is something I'd suggested to my wife and she'd refuse because she "would never feel comfortable doing that with anyone" although the same night she said that she was doing that exact thing with her friend.

Despite this my wife says it wasn't sexually fueled and it was about love and feeling close to one another. Also to make her friend feel good about herself.

Her friend has recently gone through a separation from an abusive partner, something my wife and I encouraged and supported her in.
She has been struggling since the break up and my wife said the affair stemmed from there and my wife helping her through it.

Since finding out though I've been so angry and upset. I gave this friend all the support and help I could and this is what she does.

Am I justified in hating this friend of hers?
I keep finding myself wishing her ill.

Also, I've said this friend continuing to be in our lives is damaging to our relationship and so our family.
My wife says she understands my feelings but her friend is still struggling and she (my wife) is the only support the friend has.
The friend and my wife still exchange messages and meet up every day.
Am I being unreasonable to find this threatening?

Sorry I might not have been clear in my last post. I meant downplaying it in the sense that because they're both women she thinks they can go back to just being friends no problem. Whereas it would be different with the opposite sex. Was basing that on things you said in other posts.

"I'm going to tell her that the friend needs to be out of our lives. If she agrees but there are still issues agreeing to counselling will be the next step."

Those are both good ideas, I hope she agrees and things work out for you and your wife

"I'm going to tell her that the friend needs to be out of our lives. If she agrees but there are still issues agreeing to counselling will be the next step."

I think these are both good ideas. Her response to these will tell you how serious she is about your marriage. I really hope you the best.

@NobodysChild

I don't want to think too much about how things started or why.
The only acceptable explanation for me is that my wife was giving her friend a comforting cuddle, and her friend kissed her. From there fear of rejecting the friend played a part but, as I said, she also got carried away with the excitement and being with a woman again.

I can accept that, if that's what happened, as long as it never happens again and the friend is out of our lives. (hmm, auto fill wanted to put "burns" after the word friend... Phone doesn't take any shit)

@RedDrink
Sorry, I misunderstood. Others have said things along the lines of my wife thinking the sex is normal part of friendship and I thought you were agreeing with that.

What you're saying about the ability to just take a step back is correct. I don't believe it either. Her examples are all following the friends being separated and having only a long distant friendship for a long period of time.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Thank you. Me too.

Rob, I think you should stop describing yourself as a loser! On this thread you've come across as dryly funny (25 sewer rats made me laugh a lot too), extremely caring, loyal, forgiving and emotionally generous. Many women would be delighted to find a man with these qualities. As for the story you tell about your mate and the girl, he's the loser for doing that to you.
The world is set up to make us see all sorts of things as admirable which are actually awful.
As for your wife, it's clear from your posts that you want two things. You want to give her another chance; you want her to stop seeing the friend. Both those things are reasonable. If she is to be given a second chance then she has to do her part by ceasing contact. It can't all be one way.
Frankly, I think she's lucky not to be out on her ear.

Agree with sadiekate

Rob just say you had the affair, you were utterly remorseful and desperate to save your marriage. And your wife said she’d give the marriage a second chance, but her number one condition was you never saw the OW again

Would you think she was BU? Or would you do it in a heartbeat?

Thank you so much @sadiekate. That's really nice of you to say.
My friend from the story is still a good mate. Obviously there was no ownership over this girl. I could have asked her out but, for reasons I won't get into, didn't. It was more his reasoning that made me feel crap.

I spoke to my wife this morning and she agreed that she would (almost) cut the friend out. She's asked if she can still be a reserve babysitter on the odd occasions the friend is out of town. And that she can do something with the friend her kids and ours on the anniversary of the friend's uncle's death.
Both of which I've agreed to.
There's certain messaging things I still needs to clear up with her. As I said, my wife is scared for her friend and doesn't want to block the friend's number in case of an emergency.

I think she should use the house phone and we call the police if there's any concern.

Also, she's asked if she can tell the friend we'll review how I feel in 3 months. I agreed she could tell the friend anything she wants as long as she understands what needs to happen now is happening. Though I doubt any review will give any different results.

She was very quick to accept that this is what needed to happen.

She was very quick to accept that this is what needed to happen

Of course she was. Easiest and quickest way to shut you up and assume you'll just forget about it. She's not cut the friend out but left doors open and wants to "review" it in three months? Seriously.

You're being taken for a mug mate.

Oh OP, why are you letting her call the shots?

Are you even reading the responses on here? She's taking you for a mug and you are bending over backwards to accommodate or even placate her

I'm trying to make a compromise with my wife. She is genuinely concerned about her friend and I am too, if I'm honest.
They've both wronged me but it would be wrong to want them to suffer.

No, your wife has wronged you. Her friend, much as we can dislike her behaviour, never made any promise to be faithful to you.

But your choice to be a doormat/mug (delete as appropriate).

ShatnersWig
No but social decency alone should be enough to tell you don't sleep with somebody else's wife. Let alone the wife of someone who considers you a friend.

You've really got a low opinion of cheaters and I'm really sorry if you've been hurt before. It sucks.
But I'm not going to throw in the towel when things get difficult. We've come through some really shitty times, miscarriages, depression, car accidents. I survived a God damn brain tumour last year. If we work at it, we might get through it. If not we'll have died trying.

My wife's willing to cut the friend out to the maximum point she feels she can without putting the friend at risk. I'm willing to accept that. Monitoring it but accept.

The "review" is my call and it's just to tell the friend. I've already said to my wife it's probably going to be a no but if the friend needs that glimmer of hope, so be it.

This was a really sad read. Op you sound amazing and it sounds like you’re being massively undervalued. Probably because you value yourself so low.......

Have you always suffered from low self esteem?

I’m a counsellor and my advice to you is to have individual counselling for you. Have some marriage counselling as well if you like but the priority is YOU.

Good luck and pm me I’d you need any advice re counselling 💐

Nope. Never been cheated on. But I wouldn't tolerate it. I expect exclusivity. I expect my partner to talk about problems and try to sort them out, not go off and fuck someone else. I'm worth more than that.

Anyway, I wish you luck. You're getting precisely the same answers and responses as if you were a woman and your husband had cheated on you.

Thanks @TeddybearBaby. I had low self-esteem as a teenager a lot but I sort of learnt to deal with it. Yes, there are things about myself I hate but there are parts I like too: I'm a good father, I'm good at my job. Not qualities that scream out to women really (when was the last any of you or your girl friends said you were looking for a guy who sort of looks like a less attractive Leonard from big bang theory, a good tree surgeon and can French braid a 8 year old's hair without losing his temper? I know, total package.)

I'll maybe look into counselling for myself though. If it can help me improve myself then might be worth a try.

@ShatnersWig
I expected the same but it didn't happen. She can have another chance though. We've talked a lot since it happened and seems to have been honest about why it happened, and kept happening. My wife has agreed to stop communicating with the friend and to block the friend if she tries to communicate with her. I hope my wife will stick by that.

My same sex partner had an affair with her straight work colleague.
Me and my partner have been together for 9yrs, in what I thought was a happyish relationship, taking away the usual life stresses e.g Money, jobs. Back in Aug 2017 I got my partner a job with the care company I work with. This is a hard job with 12hr shifts My partner is 'shy' and 'quiet' type and I'm more talkative and outgoing. Everthing was going fine for a Yr or so I thought. But then she started staying out til 7am with her new work mates and wearing more reveling clothing, not to mention her phone was always on silent she would always ignore my calls or text back infrequently. I have been under a lot of stress as last year I supported my mother through stage three bowel cancer. So when my partner made new friends I wanted to encorauge this so let her go out every weekend with no restrictions, I wanted her to let her hair down a bit becaoue of how depressed it had been at home. But then in September she stayed out till 7am... I was worried sick, she had never stayed out that late before. I started to get really paranoid that she was cheating on me. But felt awful for not trusting her. I just had this gut feeling that wouldn't go away. So I Confonted her. I asked her I'f she had done anything with any of her work colleagues. She denied it and told me I was depressed from my mother being ill and we both booked myslef a Dr's appointment for the next morning. That night the nigling feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. So I looked through her phone. My life just stopped... I found naked pictures of my girlfriend, in my underwear on are bed that she was sending to her other women and really nasty messages between herself and her other work colleagues laughing about hiding it and keppimg her options open. So again I Confonted her. She's told me lie after lie, to the point she made up fake people, names and fake conversations. I eventually after months of being told her fabricated truth I messages her entire work team, only to told that she had been cheating on me with a straight girl from work that was also in a long term relationship with a man. I was devistated and embarrassed that they all knew and that they were planning this behind my back for god nos how long. But now that I have the 'facts' my girlfriend told me that they kissed twice exchanged naked pics and sexy danced while out. But I don't belive her, she said that it only happend in Aug 2018 even though she had been friends with this OW for over a Yr they had not done anything until Aug. I have found pics of them both in night out from over a Yr ago though my girl freind says that nothing was going on then. I have arrange for counselling with relate that we are both attending. But my problem now is. HOW DO I BELIVE HER VERSION OF THE TRUTH. HOW DO I TRUST THAT WHAT SHE IS TELLING ME IS THE TRUTH. I feel stuck, I just want to know if This feeling will ever go away and if it is worth even fighting for. Thanks x

I don’t think you’ve posted this in the right place. Do you want to post on aibu? If so, start a new thread x