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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Affair issue.

117 replies

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 18:20

A few weeks ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair with her best friend.
She said it only became sexual a month before I found out and that as soon as i told her i knew she told her friend they could no longer have sex.

There's were obviously many reasons I was hurt but one was that they had exchanged sexual pictures of themselves which is something I'd suggested to my wife and she'd refuse because she "would never feel comfortable doing that with anyone" although the same night she said that she was doing that exact thing with her friend.

Despite this my wife says it wasn't sexually fueled and it was about love and feeling close to one another. Also to make her friend feel good about herself.

Her friend has recently gone through a separation from an abusive partner, something my wife and I encouraged and supported her in.
She has been struggling since the break up and my wife said the affair stemmed from there and my wife helping her through it.

Since finding out though I've been so angry and upset. I gave this friend all the support and help I could and this is what she does.

Am I justified in hating this friend of hers?
I keep finding myself wishing her ill.

Also, I've said this friend continuing to be in our lives is damaging to our relationship and so our family.
My wife says she understands my feelings but her friend is still struggling and she (my wife) is the only support the friend has.
The friend and my wife still exchange messages and meet up every day.
Am I being unreasonable to find this threatening?

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 16/10/2018 22:44

Oh wow. Yanbu.
I imagine more people have extramarital affairs than one realises. They are forgiven because they are desperately sorry, say it was a dreadful mistake, and spend the next x amount of time 'making up' for it.
The problem is, none of those additional things are happening in your case. This is desperately unfair on you op, and your wife is showing where her priorities are.

Original poster

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:58

We did have problems over the last few years. Just distance between us that affected me more than her. Until it didn't affect me anymore and we realised we needed to really fix things. And I thought we had.

I've always known she liked women. In fact she hadn't dated a guy since she was 15 when we met (she was 20)

She says it was all a mistake and regrets it all but before, I could say anything, that she won't give up her friendship.

OP posts:

Jlynhope · 16/10/2018 23:02

If her friend was a man and not a woman would you still accept them seeing each other everyday?
Your wife sounds like a creep who is manipulating you, and taking advantage of a vulnerable woman.

Original poster

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 23:13

No, if it was a man there'd be no question. It being a female friendship there are apparently things I don't understand.
My ill wishes may have been more straightforward and I'd not hate myself for thinking them so much.

I'd never really thought about my wife taking advantage of her friend. Perhaps I don't see my wife as being like that. Certainly not for sexual kicks. I understand where you are coming from with the emotional side of things though.

OP posts:

FizzyWizzyFlash · 16/10/2018 23:16

Well put @Jlynhope

You do sound like you have been manipulated.

And like a lot of people have said, she's taking advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I really do hope you find a way out of this .

You're making a lot of excuses for her but it doesn't sound like you believe them yourself. You sound like you want to let go but can't let go. You can't let go because you don't sound like you think for yourself anymore. And I'm not trying to say that in an insulting way. It's really sad to see.

Original poster

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 23:23

@FizzyWizzyFlash
I'm just putting forward my wife's reasoning to things I've already said to her to see what is said. You're right, I don't totally believe much of what she has said or at least I don't agree with them.

It's not that I don't think for myself but I want to believe what I'm being told.

OP posts:

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 23:33

I’m actually really surprised that you sound so calm about all this.
You sound like you’re trying to be rational and understanding.
Obviously I don’t know you or your relationship but it seems abundantly clear to me that your relationship with your wife is a complete joke and quite frankly I think your only hope is to scrape together whatever self respect you have left and move on

Original poster

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 23:58

I really am trying to stay calm and rational about it all. I was so angry early on. And still get so worked up, which triggers hateful thoughts and anxiety attacks. Neither of which make me feel any better.

OP posts:

stellabird · 17/10/2018 00:08

If your wife's friend was a man would you still be so accepting ?

Original poster

Robadobdob · 17/10/2018 00:25

@stellabird

No, but she's insistent that female friendships are different and that for women being so close (up to the sex) is normal.

OP posts:

stellabird · 17/10/2018 00:33

Nope nope nope. She is lying to get you on side. Female friendships are not "different" like she says . You know how you feel about your male friends ? Well that is how most women feel about their female friends . Your wife is obviously either bisexual or a lesbian. She didn't go with men from 15 until she met you at 20 ......that should have given you a hint ! And you are bearing the brunt of her duplicity. I feel really sorry for you. Good luck.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 17/10/2018 00:44

Oh bloody hell op!
My head is in my hands

Original poster

Robadobdob · 17/10/2018 00:45

Her sexuality was no secret going into our relationship. I knew fine well she was bi and her previous 3 relationships had all been with women.

I can understand women being more emotionally open in friendships, I only hug one of my male friends and that's only as we very rarely see one another, but yes, I did think this sort of thing seemed excessive.

OP posts:

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 17/10/2018 00:49

Op......are you being genuine here? Your wife’s sexuality is neither here nor there. SHE IS BEING UNFAITHFUL.

Original poster

Robadobdob · 17/10/2018 00:56

That is genuinely what she told me.
Do I believe her? No.
Do I want to believe her? Yes.

That's why I came looking for something that backed her up.
I want this just to be a friendship now and nothing I need to worry about, as she tells me it is.
I believe that they're not still having sex but as I said originally, am I being unreasonable to feel threatened by this continuing friendship?

Again, I've made many of the same points you have and these are the answers she's giving me.

OP posts:

HoomanMoomin · 17/10/2018 01:02

YABU to hate her friend and wishing her ill. She didn’t cheat on you, she was single.
Your wife is the cheater and you shouldn’t stay in this relationship. Leave.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 17/10/2018 01:03

Op this is not just a friendship and yes, there is plenty for you to be worried about.
You ANBU to feel threatened, you are being threatened

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/10/2018 01:17

I've known my closest friend for 30 years. I adore her and she calls me her soulmate. We are very close. But that is where it ends. No sexual feelings at all. She's getting married to a great guy. I was also there when she split from her partner of 10 years.

You're wife is quite frankly, disgusting. This friend has been through alot and your wife's idea of support is to have sex with her.

She is also massive arsehole to you. You know they are still having sex right?

BruegelTheElder · 17/10/2018 01:27

OP, no offence, but you're being a doormat. It makes absolutely zero difference whether the friend is a man or a woman. She betrayed you and broke your marriage vows.

araiwa · 17/10/2018 01:27

Bag her stuff and put it in the garden

Change the locks

Move money to private accounts, cancel joint cards

See a solicitor

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 17/10/2018 01:27

Op, I’m not entirely sure what you hoped to hear here.
Has it made you feel better or worse?
Did you hope that lots of women would tell you that it’s absolutely normal to have sex with a vulnerable friend?
That women are so touchy feely that this intimacy meant nothing?
I’m really sorry but you are being made to look like a total fool.
Move on op.
Really.

Original poster

Robadobdob · 17/10/2018 01:48

It's just confirmed what I thought.
I've got the weight of 15 years of marriage and 3 kids on my shoulders so of course I don't want to sacrifice that without at least trying to find something to disprove my thoughts. My family mean far far more to me than that.

I hoped that women would say I was being unfair to the friend in hating her for her betrayal (during their affair was still asked to regularly watched her kids for her, fixed things around her house, pick up shopping for her)
And to be told that female friendships can share an extremely close emotional bond. Obviously the physical side crossed a line and why wife knows and regrets that. It's the continuing friendship I'm worried about

OP posts:

BruegelTheElder · 17/10/2018 01:52

And to be told that female friendships can share an extremely close emotional bond

They can. Just as male friendships can. But if you were off shagging your best mate while your wife watched his kids, how do you think she would react? Do you think she'd be worried about being mean to your friend?

Honestly, just imagine this woman is a man. And then react accordingly. Because there is literally zero difference between cheating with a woman and cheating with a man.

POPholditdown · 17/10/2018 02:44

I don’t think yabu for hating the ofher woman either tbh. Yes she was single (if you can even be sure of this?) but she used you under the pretence of being a friend in need.

Ok, so your wife owes you more loyalty, obviously, but the other woman was part of your life still and you were seemingly part of her support network. She owes you some respect, at least.

Your wife doesn’t seem to show any remorse. From what you say, she feels she was justified. It is absolutely not the norm for women to have a sexual friendship just because the closeness of may differ to men.

Considering her pitiful excuses and actions since, you need to try and find some strength to leave her.

stellabird · 17/10/2018 03:53

It's ironic, OP, I was just talking to my son about "what you will put up with to keep your family together". I tolerated a husband who was unfaithful on multiple occasions, and always had an excuse like your wife has . I stayed because I loved my family life, and I knew that without him , my family would be splintered and would never be the same again. I did leave, but only after many years when my children were older. Maybe this is the path you will take , I don't know. But whatever you decided to do, take care of yourself and take care of your heart. Best wishes to you xx

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