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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for my partner to go away when I have an operation?

95 replies

doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:37

I’ve got an operation coming up next year, and my partners going away at the end of March for 5 days. It’s unlikely that it will be on that exact date, but I just bought it up in case it was. I was hoping he would be the person to be there when I wake up, take me home and look after me as I won’t be able to do anything for a few days.
He’s just said he would still go away on his piss up holiday to Amsterdam with his friends if my operation was the dates he was away?
AIBU to get annoyed with this or should I not be?!

OP posts:
CrazyDuchess · 16/10/2018 15:38

Hard to judge - what kind of operation are we talking about?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/10/2018 15:39

YANBU! Not at all.

Why can he not rearrange holiday with his mates? You having an operation should be his priority. 'In sickness and in health...?'

Is he this selfish in other ways?

LemonBreeland · 16/10/2018 15:41

I think it depends on whether or not there are other people to look after you. It also depends on how long term/serious your relationship is? Do you live together?

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/10/2018 15:42

Is it just a holiday or is it stag week/significant birthday?

Did he not care at all that you would be left trying to find another person (family? friend?) to take you home and look after you?

PinkHeart5914 · 16/10/2018 15:43

Depends if it’s life saving surgery or routine? I’m guessing the latter as it’s not until next year.

Depends when his trip was planned. Tbh unless he was deciding 2 weeks before the operation I wouldn’t expect him to cancel

Loopytiles · 16/10/2018 15:43

More info would be useful. On the face of it his behaviour on this doesn’t sound very caring.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2018 15:45

If it's your tonsils and your DM wants to support you and is lovely... YMBU (You Might Be Unreasonable).

If it's exploratory surgery for cancer and you have no one else... he's a total wanker and YANBU.

Original poster
doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:46

@crazyduchess it’s not a major op, but it’s to see how bad my endo has got, and to see if my Fallopian tubes are blocked, and if they can unblock them, and to see how far and what damage the endo has done really.
@greenfingerswouldbehandy he deffo wouldn’t change the date, i’m Just hoping the operation doesn’t fall on the same date..
@lemonbreeland been together 4 years, there’s only my mum but she’ll be at work and also had my brother to look after.
Was hoping he would be there when I wake up, as he’s the one I’ve always gone to when I’m upset or in pain with it all.

OP posts:
IAmAllAsttonishnent · 16/10/2018 15:47

🤔 I’m due a small..ish procedure next year and me/fiancé are both prepping for it.
Whilst it’s nothing serious (and he’s a doctor so literally sees hundreds of this same procedures) he gets how big of a deal it is to me and that I’m V nervous at the thought of being knocked out!

🤔 I’m not really sure it matters how long you’ve been together or how ‘serious’ you are. If he cared about you enough he wouldn’t be going.

*unless this is a stag/birthday (special event) which you haven’t disclosed. But even then I’d expect him to feel quite torn/ show empathy

Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2018 15:48

It really depends on the support you need and when he booked the trip.

A trip booked before you knew about the op and it’s, say, a mole removal, I don’t think I could get worked up. Spinal surgery? YANBU.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/10/2018 15:48

So it is quite an invasive operation in terms of psychological impact as well as physical?

I say he's a selfish bastard. Am assuming he is an Adonis/wonderful man in other areas?

Original poster
doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:49

It’s not a stag or birthday, it’s just a boys weekend away drinking and watching football, he said he’s paid for it already, which he has, but he said ‘you gonna pay me to stay’ after I asked if he would still go to it

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 16/10/2018 15:50

What did he actually say? Does he seem to care at all about how you'll be afterwards, physically and mentally? I'm not sure I could accept such a dismissive and callous attitude from a long term partner.

Original poster
doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:51

Yeah the whole things been playing on my mind ever since I started getting pain, and getting referred to gynae, so it’s definitely had big psychological effect aswell as physical, and this isn’t helping what he’s said! Hmm

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 16/10/2018 15:51

Is his lack of care towards you normal, or is this unusual? He sounds unpleasant tbh.

Lazypuppy · 16/10/2018 15:51

But he might be there for you. You don't have a date for the operation yet.

ChocoPoppy · 16/10/2018 15:52

I think in your position I would be peeved too OP. It is not just the practical support but wanting someone you are close with to be an emotional support too. I hope his mates are there for him if he ever needs support, seeing as they seem to be his priority.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 16/10/2018 15:53

He's coming across like a total shit IMO. Are you trying for a baby with him?

Original poster
doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:54

I know it’s highly unlikely it will be in that date, but I bought it up just to have support knowing he would be there whenever it may be..
he normally is very caring and a lovely boyfriend which is why I’m so shocked by it all?!

OP posts:
Lauren83 · 16/10/2018 15:55

It's a tough one as I have had two laps for endo and appreciated DP being around, although was up and about straight away and back to work after a couple of days. If you haven't been listed yet and don't know when it will be then I think it's a little unfair to ask him to cancel his holiday when the op could be a completely different time. If you knew it was that week then maybe although the fact it's already paid for is tricky. Hopefully you will get your date with plenty of notice

GeezAJammyPeece · 16/10/2018 15:55

I’ve got an operation coming up next year, and my partners going away at the end of March for 5 days. It’s unlikely that it will be on that exact date

So, you don't actually have a date yet? What do you suggest then? That neither of you make ANY plans for the next 18 months, just in case it happens to fall on the two or three days that you are out of sorts?
Yes, YABU.

In your position, I may have asked "I'm hoping to get a date for my operation between X and X next year, once I hear, what's the chance you could maybe organise time off to collect me. The blurb says I won't be able to do xyz for a couple of days so I'd be really grateful if you could help me please" if he came back with, " well yeah, of course, but remember I've got Amsterdam planned with the guys between X & y" I'd reply " awesome thanks. With luck it'll be another week " then he'd say "ACH, I'd send you a postcard if I remember to get yer ward number" (but actually mean "if it did turn out to be then, I'd pull out the trip")

I certainly wouldn't have just brought it up in a clumsy attempt to dictate whether he could exist as an autonomous being or not.

Original poster
doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:55

Yeah, started TTC a few months ago, and a big thing with endo is infertility, which is the main worry of mine, and with things like that your partner is the one person you would want there for it

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2018 15:55

he said ‘you gonna pay me to stay’

That's nasty.

Does he want children? The avoidance of an operation about that to go on a lads' weekend is telling.

Loopytiles · 16/10/2018 15:56

With the further info, including that you may be receiving difficult news about the findings of the investigations, he would definitely be out of order to go away if the dates clash.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 16/10/2018 15:56

If the trip has all been paid for, would he get a refund if he backed out now?

Equally if this is an unlklely thing to happen, perhaps he doesn't actually mean it. If the roles were reversed I would say the same to dp but he would be well aware it was a joke.