for my partner to go away when I have an operation?

[doughnutgirl]

I’ve got an operation coming up next year, and my partners going away at the end of March for 5 days. It’s unlikely that it will be on that exact date, but I just bought it up in case it was. I was hoping he would be the person to be there when I wake up, take me home and look after me as I won’t be able to do anything for a few days.
He’s just said he would still go away on his piss up holiday to Amsterdam with his friends if my operation was the dates he was away?
AIBU to get annoyed with this or should I not be?!

[MatildaTheCat]

Contact the hospital and ask for a note to be made of the dates and say you are available at short notice (if you are) but not available for this one short period. Then stop worrying about it.

His attitude doesn’t sound very nice but you are getting overwrought about something unnecessarily. I hope the procedure goes well and you don’t have to wait too long.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Does he actually understand how serious the op is though?
A laparotomy is only a camera in your tummy but actually I nearly had an overnight stay with it, had to be driven home from hospital, two weeks off work etc.
I'd ensure he's fully aware it's not just a simple procedure where op will be skipping home an hour later

[burnoutbabe]

Can't you just avoid those dates for the operation and delay it to the next one (assume they are booking 6/7 months ahead). If it's not that pressing to go ASAP then waiting another month seems better than losing money on a holiday.

[Postino]

I can't get past "you gonna pay me to stay?"

He's a grade A bastard. Is this really the father you want for your children?

[OurMiracle1106]

He’s shown what an ass he is. I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with him. You can’t rely on him for support so if you do have a child together be prepared to raise it as if you were alone

[LakieLady]

I'd be bloody livid. I've had 2 operations since DP and I have been together and he's been utterly brilliant both times.

TMI warning: he even wiped my arse for me when I'd had a nerve block that gave me a totally useless arm for 36 hours - that's lurve!

Having said that, both operations were cancelled several times before they finally took place, so it may well not clash with his trip.

[Knittink]

'You gonna pay me to stay?"

Seriously?! There is no way on earth that I'd be ttc with an arsehole like that. It tells you everything you need to know about how involved and supportive a partner and parent he'd be.

[Purpleartichoke]

You are considering having a child with this person?


My partner went to every single one of my appointments, procedures, and surgeries when I had physical problems that were also impacting y fertility. I didn’t even have to ask. He just did it because that is what partners do.

Going away while you have surgery or are recovering is a giant red flag telling you exactly what kind of co-parent he will be.

[QueSera]

"You gonna pay me to stay?"

I don't know - I don't get a nice feeling about this guy - that sounds nasty. Obviously it's just one sentence in the whole 4 years of your relationship. But it seems symbolic, somehow. He should WANT to stay. What will he be like when you're TTCing? pregnant? giving birth? raising a newborn/infant/toddler etc together?

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

You should be able to give the dates as ones to avoid, but honestly I think he’s shown you who he is with this. I would not be thinking about a baby with him. His priorities are not you and your future family.

[Coyoacan]

I’ll remember for the future when he needs some help or support that I’ll be too busy to care

NO! Do not think that being such a bastard as him will be the solution, it just means that you will both be in a shitty relationship.

I've seen this sort of tit for tat thing happen in relationships and nothing is solved, just one of the people loses their lovely qualities to match the unloveliness of the other person.

[elifant]

My ex abusive partner was exactly like this. OP, your 'D'P's priorities are clearly NOT you. Going out with the lads is way more important. Says it all. This will escalate and get worse if you stay with him anyway, but worse if he does this to you now and you let it go - carte blanche for him to do it again and much worse.

[BillywilliamV]

They dont seem to let people be there when you first wake up. I think this is a thing from American TV. However that is irrelevant, he shouldnt deliberately be miles away. I sssume ypu are trying to have children with this man?

[sunshinewithabitofdrizzle]

You're seriously considering having a child with this man? I think it's time you rethink that because given his attitude, he'll leave you with all the childcare and not lift a finger to help.

[Chingchok]

I’ve just been through this situation, almost. My partner had an unavoidable business trip 2 days after I had the same op. It was a screw up over the dates, largely his mistake, but it was me that decided not to change it as I had already waited a few months and it was too late to move and risk not getting the surgeon I chose (I’m not in the U.K. obv!). Still, I was upset he’d be away for two weeks right after as we have no family out here, and I was told min 2 weeks bed rest. In the event, he was with me for every moment before and after the operation, slept at the hospital, and was absolutely mortified leaving for his work trip just the morning after I was discharged. The surgeon found endo in a lot of places, as well as various growths that were sent for biopsy. I was in a lot of pain, barely able to walk, and unable to take care of our child. We have a live-in helper and she did absolutely everything for him, took him to school, packed lunches, cooked for me (not that I could really eat) as well as all the housework. Friends visited on the weekend and brought food and played with my son. Nevertheless I struggled to cope psychologically and the worst part was being alone most of the time and waiting for biopsy results (only takes a week here, thankfully all benign). I struggled with intense anxiety, possibly linked to the general, insomnia, and a lot of bleeding. I know I am lucky to have someone full time as without family I can’t see how I would have coped. My husband clearly hadn’t realised how serious the operation was (nor had I tbh) and it was really hard for him to walk out the door, even two days post op. He was clear that he would cancel or come home mid trip if anything went wrong or if it was cancer, and nevertheless it placed quite a lot of stress on our 20 year relationship. I think a lot of the info I had found online glossed over the reality of recovering from an op like this, especially in more complex cases. I went into surgery in really good physical health, having quit drinking, eaten healthily, slept plenty and worked out daily, yet the first ten days were a huge struggle and it was tough on my young son, too. I found myself defending my partner being away, because I can tell you people judged him very harshly - and this was for a company wide, annual event he would have been in big trouble for missing. For a lad’s holiday? I can’t even imagine.

I hope that in your case, the situation won’t arise, but I will say that after only four years with this man, I would be seriously considering leaving the relationship. There will be dozens of times like this during your lives together, and it won’t get any easier, particularly if you have children. Him not being for you physically or emotionally at a time when you are going through a serious medical intervention for fertility really doesn’t bode well for a future together. I wish you all the best with your operation, and with TTC, but I think that unless he has a serious change of heart, he might not be the one you want to have children with.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

He sounds quite nasty. If the situation were reversed, would you be there for him?

[Skittlesandbeer]

My policy would be, any operation that involves:

a) recovery disability (ie can’t drive, or wash hair, or 1 day + bed rest)
b) general anaesthetic
c) psychological component (ie fertility-related, cancer related with family history of bad cancer, embarrassing bowel related)

Requires automatic, pleased-to-help physical presence of DP. With no need to discuss or negotiate. Hands down anything less than this is mean and uncaring.

[EndeavourVoyage]

I think you are getting worried over nothing to be honest. It is a minor procedure and you can get about immediately. I drove home after a laparoscopy last time I had one. Your DP doesn’t know that though so I can understand you getting a bit pissed with him not being there. Having said that my DP would not want to change a long standing holiday for that so IF and you don’t know yet, but IF it turns out to clash, call the hospital and change it. You still won’t get much from him even if he is here though, he has shown you the type of person that he is, you now need to decide if you can live with that type of person.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Sorry OP but your title is really misleading. You don't even have a date yet. Is he supposed to book nothing for the next year on the off chance that it clashes?

[Gincision]

I drove home after a laparoscopy last time I had one

Would you drive when drunk? PLEASE don't be so irresponsible to drive within 48 hours of an anaesthetic, you're risking the life of yourself and everyone else on/ near the road (HCP)

[spiderplantsalad]

Echoing those that said this is a problem with his attitude to the OP, not a potential date clash. Asking her if she would pay him to stay? I'd pay him to go and not come back. OP, what's he usually like when you're sick or in pain - does he step up, or is this out of character for him?

[Sisgal]

A lot of people failing to grasp that you are annoyed at his uncaring reaction and NOT that you have asked him to cancel or re-book. How is it so hard for some people to understand. Just making their own shit up

[Tahani]

I’ll remember for the future when he needs some help or support that I’ll be too busy to care
Honestly if this is the case I'd walk away now. Do you really want to spend the next X decades playing tit for tat.

This, with bells on
I would seriously be considering my future with him, it might be a throwaway comment now, but it could easily be a pattern he could be set on

[ushuaiamonamour]

OP, are you frightened by the prospect of the exam or generally browned off with your partner anyway or do you feel you should always take precedence over his friends or do you generally feel you should be able to control all eventualities? I don't understand what's going on.

It is indeed a very minor procedure. I had an additional procedure performed during my laparoscopic exam and still was in hospital for only an hour or two; the only after effect was being a bit drowsy and some abdominal discomfort because of the gas used. If someone was advised to rest for a fortnight after it, either there were horrible and incredibly rare complications or the patient was mistaken about what procedure she actually had.

I’ll remember for the future when he needs some help or support that I’ll be too busy to care. Under the circumstances that's a bit nasty and it gives the impression that you're miffed by not having things your way. Theoretically. Over something that's not likely to happen on a date you're not even certain of. Please don't let this gnaw at you and then take it out on him for the next five month.

[PoshPenny]

Surely you will have the option of phoning up and saying you can't do that week as your partner is away IF it turns out your appointment is in the same week? His comments aren't great, but you can't put your life on hold for the next 6 months because of a potential appointment clash.