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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for my partner to go away when I have an operation?

95 replies

doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:37

I’ve got an operation coming up next year, and my partners going away at the end of March for 5 days. It’s unlikely that it will be on that exact date, but I just bought it up in case it was. I was hoping he would be the person to be there when I wake up, take me home and look after me as I won’t be able to do anything for a few days.
He’s just said he would still go away on his piss up holiday to Amsterdam with his friends if my operation was the dates he was away?
AIBU to get annoyed with this or should I not be?!

OP posts:

Stefoscope · 17/10/2018 08:45

I wouldn't like his attitude at all. Chances are your op won't clash with his holiday, but his response that he would still go if it did is awful. I wouldn't have a baby with him. Imagine if you had birth complications or a c-section and needed his help; it doesn't sound like you can rely on him at all.

fantasmasgoria1 · 17/10/2018 09:17

My fiancé doesn't do lads weekends away but if that was the case he would cancel for anything health related. I was ill once when he was going out for the evening and he refused to go!

Chamomileteaplease · 17/10/2018 09:37

You mentioned "laughing faces" in his reply - did you have this conversation by text???

And I second a PP, does he know exactly how serious the condition, operation and recovery really is?

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2018 10:18

He's an arse.

And you and any family you have will always come after his 'mates'.

Is this the life you want?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

Chingchok · 18/10/2018 05:15

Just to be clear to all those “snap recovery” posters, as another poster has already mentioned, there is a difference between exploratory laparoscopy and operative, and when it is operative, the surgeon might be removing eg one cyst, or extensive endo, or multiple different things. The recovery time can vary greatly between women, and while we might be able to be back on our feet within a few days to a week, the healing continues for a minimum of two weeks. Age, general physical fitness, extent of surgery will all play a part. Of course if you have a fairly sedentary lifestyle it probably won’t stop you from going about your daily life but the surgeons know what they have actually done in terms of excisions, and approximately how long this will take to heal. Personally I have erred on the side of caution, as I have friends that ignored the recommendations and ended up with complications a few weeks later. A week to ten days is the minimum in my opinion if it is operative.

Soontobe60 · 18/10/2018 05:56

Let's look at this in reverse.
Him: I know you've got a girls weekend in Barcelona booked in 6 months' time, but I might also get a date for that operation at the same time. Would you cancel?
Her: I've paid £500 for this trip and I'd lose it if I cancelled.
Him: I hadn't realised. Let's see when the op date comes through. If it clashes I might be able to change it, because I know it's an option. After all, it isn't a life saving procedure I'm having 😂😂

timeisnotaline · 18/10/2018 12:35

I too would stop trying to conceive at least until you’ve talked more. If he genuinely thought he should be refunded his holiday by you so that he can support you he must also be planning to pay you 6 months salary for your time off work and support for the two of you having a baby.

Darkstar4855 · 18/10/2018 12:39

I agree he’s being a bit of an arse but I don’t see why you can’t just tell the hospital that you’re away/unable to have the op on those dates.

Loopytiles · 18/10/2018 17:09

Usually now NHS hospitals put you right back down the waiting list (eg back to your GP for re referral) if you decline a surgery date other than for exceptional circumstances, which a partner’s holiday isn’t. Appointment letters state this explicitly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 17:14

He doesn't come across very well from how you've described him. Hopefully the dates won't clash OP and he will be there.

Tbh if he's already booked and paid for the trip I wouldn't really expect anyone would cancel unless it was for major surgery.

What's he like otherwise?

Bluelady · 18/10/2018 17:58

Actually, you don't get put right back at the beginning if you can't make a date for a procedure. It's much more likely that you're asked to give dates that aren't convenient. It would be pretty ridiculous to penalise people in this way, given how often operations get cancelled, frequently at hours' notice.

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:23

Is it just a laparoscopy?

If so, you’ll be fine and won’t need him. It’s more of an exploratory procedure. I had one where they found and lasered away some endo. The guidelines apparently are to rest for a week but I was back at work two days later. It hurts when you come round cos of the gas in your shoulders and your tummy is swollen and hard for a bit but that’s it.

If it was a heart bypass fair enough, but something like a laparoscopy isn’t a big deal and it’d be a bit dramatic to insist he’s around for it!

Whereismumhiding2 · 19/10/2018 05:37

I think the Gran a PP mentioned was right, this is 'borrowing trouble'.

If I had a girls weekend, my only holiday, I'd planned, paid for and was excited about booked for next year, and my partner said they had a routine operation and if it falls on that weekend, would I cancel it to stay by their side, I'd be pissed off!!

Firstly it's very unlikely, to fall that specific friday before that one weekend! Why spoil my excitement about a rare holiday for me? It's so far ahead, you haven't got date yet, why ask now? Is it a test? You won't get a real reaction to a hypothetical, as i'd be thinking 'it's unlikely' and what else will partner demand about other hypotheticals..?

It all seems very controlling. If it was an operation you were worried about and it definitely fell on same date, then yes, when we talked about how you felt about op, I'd probably cancel my holiday but I would want to make that decision myself at the relevant time.

It is possible your partner was a bit taken aback by your hypothetical demand and joking back with you, given how unlikely it is to happen. Why not wait and see when date comes through?

All you've done is create a resentment for yourself, a suspicion. Really, unless you had other reasons to doubt your partner's caringness , I think you've done both of yourselves a disservice.

bubbles108 · 19/10/2018 05:43

but he said ‘you gonna pay me to stay’ after I asked if he would still go to it

Explain to me why you're still with him?

What an absolute twat.

bubbles108 · 19/10/2018 05:45

I’ll remember for the future when he needs some help or support that I’ll be too busy to care.

You can't have a child with someone you feel like this about

PlugUgly1980 · 19/10/2018 05:52

If you're on an waiting list, why not tell them the dates you would be unavailable to be called as you have no one to care for you? I'm waiting for a second Op but I've got a holiday booked. I just put the dates on the consent form. Life has to continue. I had an emergency Op (saw consultant Friday, admitted Saturday) in the Summer. I had to make my own way there, waited best part of the day to go to theatre on my own and other than the nurses I was on my own until my DH could pick me up...it was bloody awful, I was terrified, the waiting on my own wasn't nice, and everyone had people with them, I cried most of the day, but with 2 small children DH had no option but to look after them. Where you know in advance you've got dates you're partner isn't available just tell them. Then you're not worrying about it.

PlugUgly1980 · 19/10/2018 06:02

And my letter doesn't say I'll go back to the bottom of the list. It say the NHS have an obligation to offer me two dates with reasonable notice of 3 weeks. It says if I decline both of those or am unavailable for more than 6 months I will be referred back to my GP and start the pathway again. My letter specifically says to advise of any social or domestic reasons which mean I can't attend (not having someone to care for me, regardless of the reason, would be valid).

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 19/10/2018 06:11

There will only be medical staff around if you are lucky when you wake up. They wait until you are awake and stable before they call anyone.

You sound quite (understandably) apprehensive about the operation. Have you been asking him about other possible scenarios too? He sounds like a 'let's cross that bridge when you get to it sort of person '. I would also probably ring them and ask them to avoid those dates. Having said that his response doesn't sound very supportive either so I would re-evaluate the relationship too. Is he as keen as you to have children?

pigeondujour · 19/10/2018 06:47

I've had many laps for endo and I have some sympathy for him - I'd be fed up if my boyfriend introduced the idea of me cancelling a holiday in six months that I'd paid for and was looking forward to because he might or might not be having an op of equivalent seriousness on one of the dates. That said, his comment about paying him to stay is just depressing.

cushioncuddle · 19/10/2018 07:16

The chances of it being on the same date are small so this means you're stressing about something that very likely won't happen.
You may be fixating on this as you are stressed and our brains like to find something to hold onto.

What you are saying to him is I'm scared and I need you to pass this test so I know you'll be there for me.

He just sees it logically and believes there is no need to change the date. But doesn't realise it's not a logical answer you want or why you need another answer.

You need to talk to him about how scared you are. Help him understand.

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