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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for my partner to go away when I have an operation?

95 replies

doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:37

I’ve got an operation coming up next year, and my partners going away at the end of March for 5 days. It’s unlikely that it will be on that exact date, but I just bought it up in case it was. I was hoping he would be the person to be there when I wake up, take me home and look after me as I won’t be able to do anything for a few days.
He’s just said he would still go away on his piss up holiday to Amsterdam with his friends if my operation was the dates he was away?
AIBU to get annoyed with this or should I not be?!

OP posts:

DeadCertain · 16/10/2018 15:56

I would always rather be alone for anything like this, hate anyone being around if I need to be in hospital or have any form of procedure - but if it's important to you that someone is there to support you at this time then your partner should consider revising his plans if they conflict with your procedure date. You don't know whether or not the dates clash yet though, so not worth worrying about right now perhaps.

Loopytiles · 16/10/2018 15:57

Are you married? If not, plan on returning to work FT if you have DC.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 16/10/2018 15:58

I imagine he'll be a great help if you have a baby, hideous birth, emergency c section and it clashes with his lads plans.

End sarcasm.

GeezAJammyPeece · 16/10/2018 15:59

I took so long typing that I xposted all your updates.

Yeah, on the surface he is coming across as a bit of a dick!
Could he be worried about you having the opportunity and he's trying to act like he's not?

Original poster

doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 15:59

I haven’t asked him to cancel his holiday just in case if happens on that day, why would I ask him to cancel it when it might not even be then?
I haven’t asked him to cancel it, I was just wondering what he would do if it happened to turn out on the time he way away

OP posts:

SilverLining10 · 16/10/2018 15:59

Yanbu. My dh has cancelled for much less. I get that he would be losing money but surely it's about priorities.
Things happen like this for a reason.
You are going in for something related to fertility as you are ttc and this is him being there for you. I wouldnt ttc with someone like this.

GeezAJammyPeece · 16/10/2018 16:00

operation not opportunity

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/10/2018 16:01

It's obviously not about trying to control him. It's about his attitude and total lack of care. It would be totally different if he had recognised that the timing could be a problem and discussed ways to get around it should it happen.

NonaGrey · 16/10/2018 16:02

Personally I’d stop TTC ing. This does not sound like the kind of guy who will have your back if you have a difficult pregnancy, or post birth.

I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear but consider your position very, very carefully.

There’s a reason the marriage vows say “in sickness and in health”.

SinkGirl · 16/10/2018 16:03

I’ve had six laps - the diagnostic one was fine but the treatment laps have all made me really unwell for a few weeks. DH has supported me through the four I’ve had while we’ve been together.

Would there be anyone else that could stay with you? You’ll usually be discharged the same day and should have someone with you for 24 hours after a general.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/10/2018 16:03

He doesn't sound all that loving and nice from here.

That's not the smallest of operations and the psychological ramifications, good or bad, will be big.

I don't blame you for feeling unsettled. I have to admit that after the question of payment I would have said no and then shown him the door! That was really unpleasant of him.

Good luck working your way through this!

crimsonlake · 16/10/2018 16:04

I would not be having this man's child if he cares so little.

Original poster

doughnutgirl · 16/10/2018 16:06

Thanks for all the replies and help..
I should hopefully have the date within the next few weeks.
I’ll remember for the future when he needs some help or support that I’ll be too busy to care.
If it does come to it and it being on that weekend, god help me, and him!
It’s not the support I would expect from him telling me with laughing faces that it cost X amount and that he would loose it all. When fertility is involved and something as big as this.

OP posts:

GeezAJammyPeece · 16/10/2018 16:06

As other pps have said, it is quite reasonable to assume that he is just winding you up and of course he would cancel if there was a conflict in dates. iIF that turns out to be the case. Just now, you are just getting yourself in a state over a problem that you think might occur.

The possible outcome of findings is weighing on your mind and focusing on the other non-problem is your way of dealing with it.

Hopefully you'll get a date soon, it won't clash with any plans of either of you, the procedure goes smoothly, and you get the news you hop for

Lauren83 · 16/10/2018 16:07

Sorry if I misread I read it as you wanted him to cancel incase it fell on the day of the op, hopefully it will fall either side of it so you can have him there for the op and he still goes on his holiday

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 16:08

For god's sake don't have a baby with this guy! He's either not ready to commit to someone or a complete tosser. Probably both.

There are loads of men out there who are decent and kind - those are the ones you should be looking at to father your child.

And don't even think of getting pregnant unless you're married, too. Unless you are independently wealthy, of course.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/10/2018 16:09

"you are just getting yourself in a state over a problem that you think might occur."

No she's not. It's reasonable to be bothered by his dismissive and callous attitude. It's also not a problem "you think might occur" - it is a possibility. And it would bring difficulties so it's reasonable to discuss it in advance. A blanket unkind dismissal of concerns is a shit response from a long term partner.

Winkybum · 16/10/2018 16:10

I had my endo lap on Friday and personally I needed someone so I get how you feel. I am recovering slowly but each day is so different. They ended up getting rid of some endo, removing a polyp that they didn't know was there, a further biopsy and also a camera in my bladder. I feel so swollen and sorry for myself that some TLC is needed.

I hope you get the support you need when the time comes. Feel free to PM me if you need some virtual support from someone that has been/is going through it.

Bluelady · 16/10/2018 16:12

My gran used to have a saying about not borrowing trouble. Worry about it if the dates clash.

reallybadidea · 16/10/2018 16:14

What is it about him that has led to you thinking that he's a good man to have children with? Seriously.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/10/2018 16:17

I’ll remember for the future when he needs some help or support that I’ll be too busy to care
Honestly if this is the case I'd walk away now. Do you really want to spend the next X decades playing tit for tat.

I'm not saying he's right at all but it's currently an abstract question about a procedure he probably doesn't understand much about.

If the dates clash, you explain about the emotional and physical consequences on the procedure and he still doesn't give a damn then is he the right guy for you? And the right one to have a child with?
If the dates clash, you explain everything, he's empathetic and understanding but doesn't want toose £500 and offers to call you, support otherwise its your call but either accept it or call it, don't hold a grudge for the next 20 years.

Personally I wouldn't expect him to lose hundreds of pounds and would find a friend who could take me to theirs / home / mums

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 16/10/2018 16:19

If holiday is booked I wouldn't expect him to cancel. Just ask for a different operation date if a clash occurs.

Whitney168 · 16/10/2018 16:22

But this is just an entirely theoretical discussion about something that probably won't happen? If the operation is so far away anyway, could you not actively ask to avoid those dates if we are just talking about a few days that are an issue in a whole year?!

Of course, if he generally doesn't treat you well outside of this one issue, then that is another relationship issue entirely and you certainly shouldn't be aiming to have children with him.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/10/2018 16:23

"Worry about it if the dates clash."

It's not the possibility of a date clash that's the issue, it's his reaction when the possibility was raised. It was dismissive and heartless.

Welshmaiden85 · 16/10/2018 16:24

He is being very weird. The response you would expect is that if it clashes he cancels. Childbirth is a massive thing and can be disabling unfortunately for some of us. I would not have children with someone that is so cavalier about your health.

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